Tag Archives: Life

Demons …

This song still speaks to me.  We all have some sort of demons inside us. We all fight them, some daily.  We don’t always succeed in defeating them, but we try just the same. Who isn’t waging some internal battle?!  Demons … ‘Unless you show me how’ …

When the days are cold
And the cards all fold
And the saints we see
Are all made of gold

When your dreams all fail
And the ones we hail
Are the worst of all
And the blood’s run stale

I wanna hide the truth
I wanna shelter you
But with the beast inside
There’s nowhere we can hide

No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

At the curtain’s call
It’s the last of all
When the lights fade out
All the sinners crawl

So they dug your grave
And the masquerade
Will come calling out
At the mess you made

Don’t wanna let you down
But I am hell bound
Though this is all for you
Don’t wanna hide the truth

No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

They say it’s what you make
I say it’s up to fate
It’s woven in my soul
I need to let you go

Your eyes, they shine so bright
I wanna save that light
I can’t escape this now
Unless you show me how

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide


Linger …

Today …  a very new friend of mine is traveling from NYC to Iceland for 14 days and I find myself obsessed with the very thought of him lingering in my mind, in my thoughts, in my random smile.  As I write, think on this, I hear the song, “Linger” by the Cranberries. Signs are everywhere, if you keep your mind and heart open to them.

I always tend to attempt dating each and every summer … and those months starting with the letter J!  Being June already is no different.  What is different is actually believing this may be a real possibility of me finding myself again, of falling in love – that I won’t get bored, distracted, jaded, disillusioned, overwhelmed.  I won’t make excuses, and go back into hibernation.  I am nearing the end of my 40s and I don’t plan on being alone.  I owe it to myself, and to my Michael’s forever love for me to keep moving forward, accepting love, and no more settling.

We all wish to be wanted, desired – I can easily admit that I need it.
We all want to be understood –  I will no longer settle for less.

I have had so many people I love die way too young.  I want to live with purpose, live more fully for them as well as for myself.  Life moves too fast.  In a blink, you can have it all and lose it all as quickly.

This week, I find myself more alive, carefree.  Wanting … wanting not to be alone.

Longing to be held by strong arms. Feel my fingers entwined with another’s.

Living to anticipate a kiss that takes my breath away …  again.
Looking forward to staying awake until the sun rises.

I want to slow down and listen, breathe it all in.

I want to stare into his eyes, get lost in reliving the moments.

I want to be free to be me around him.
I will sit quietly and wonder if he dares to let our lips linger without fully kissing, breathing me in and holding me tight.

I wish time could stop … I wish I could stop time –  so we can linger.
An honest life is made of moments of both good and bad – I fully understand this.  But right this minute, this instance, this small moment in time, I want my conversations with him to linger … and when I sigh, I want him to sigh.

Is this all too much to wish upon? No – already our conversation linger on my lips …  as always with grace in my step, hope in my heart, smile on my lips …

 

 

 


In Memory of Me …

I have just not been able to write as much as I would prefer lately.  So many thoughts, words, complete sentences in my head … but having a hard time expressing myself without crying at times.  Been so busy building walls so others can no longer hurt me, that I just can’t express myself in the only real way I know.   Sinking into depression … I know I am but I am not sure what I can do differently, right now. I feel lost, alone, insecure, idle, forgotten, bored … Emotional flu … yes that is what I have, lately.  Tired of feeling – especially sorry for myself.  So it’s taken me awhile to write this post.  Sometimes my hurt overwhelms me.

Anyone who really takes the time to know me, understand my life – they would know I have never had a good relationship with my mother and her daughters.  My sister is having knee surgery and will be staying with my Mom, so whenever any one of my sisters visit, even for a few hours every few months, my mother tends to be even more cruel to me.  For some reason, this past Friday we were talking about someone we knew and how they died with no family.  My mother then proceeded to tell me that I should save money to make sure I can pay for my own burial since no one would help once I die and I shouldn’t think to burden anyone.  Now I know deep in my heart that my family couldn’t care less if I lived or died.  I have known this far too long.  And sadly, yet obviously prudently, I already took measures for my burial many years ago after my first bout of cancer.  I reassured my Mom very calmly that I already took care of things for when I die.  Then I just went upstairs to my safe place, my own apartment, and just cried for hours.  My mother will never know how much she has hurt me, how much her words hurt me.  Just when I think she can’t hurt me anymore, I learn that it’s just never going to stop.  My skin just isn’t thick enough sometimes.  My heart breaks a little more each day when I am around her.  I try so hard … try not to let her words bury me alive.

So many hours I find myself too weak, too sad to do much of anything which only makes me sadder. I try.  I am in pure survival mode.  Don’t need to be saved. I need to be found and appreciated for exactly who I am.  I need others for my voice right now.

Quotes that speak to me, for me …

“Sensitive suffer more, but they love more and dream more.”  – Augusto Cury

“A sensitive soul sees the world through the lens of love.” – Unknown

“Having a soft heart in a cruel world is courage, not weakness.” ― Katherine Henson

“You soak up others’ moods and desires like a sponge. You absorb sensation the way a paintbrush grasps each color it touches on a palette. The ethereal beauty of a dandelion, the shift of a season, the climax of a song, or a certain stirring scent can awaken such wonder they’ll become your very breath itself – moving through you as fuel does to fire and wind does to waves. ~ Victoria Erickson

I have to keep reminding myself to love myself first and foremost … I have been on my own longer than I have ever been with anyone, loner by nature, alone by choice.

I’m here – I’m a survivor – and you can, too!  Everyone has to deal with their own situation, but my method is ‘distraction’.  My pain, worry leads me to writing.  Peace, acceptance, quiet, serenity, empowerment … keep loving myself.  Keep striving to have a decent life.  I have to remember who I am – that is how I will get through this life … with grace in my step and hope in my heart.


You Only Live Once – False!

I came across this post and had to reblog it.  Thank you Aeron Elizabeth!

You only die once!
It was meant to be funny,
but I found truth in the words.
I don’t want to just live every day.
I want to give my angels a show to enjoy!
Joyce Meyer said something cute,
“The 20 angels watching over you sure are bored to death when you
go about living each day like it’s another ordinary day.”
Exactly.
Each day is a gift.
Don’t let “The Joy Thief” steal it away!
Get up in the morning telling yourself,
I am going to make this the best day!
I am going to overflow with joy, love, happiness, excitement,
even if I just go to the grocery store!
I will not let anyone steal my joy!
We have only ONE life to live!
Every day is another chance to give it all you got!
Living, breathing, going after your dreams, making a difference!
Find the beauty in each day.
It will become a habit.
Make your angels dance for joy.
Give them a show.
 photo 1b88a4c6-1ece-4940-b3b4-9682ee6452e9_zps395bafe1.jpg

Best Mash Up

Every Breath You Take and Chasing Cars MASHUP = Pure Love!

I love this mashup heard during the movie ‘Just Go With It’ with Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston.  Romantic comedy at its best.


Just Go With It …

Finally home indoors, all snuggly warm watching the movie, “Just Go with It” … We all know that Adam Sandler is a funny goof ball at best and he gets a lot of bad reviews for doing terrible, cliche movies, and yes many of them have over-the-top, tasteless humor with reused gags. But in almost every movie he does, to me, there’s some emotional moment or scene. (in Big Daddy, when he has to let “Frankenstein” go. In Anger Management, at the end when he confesses displays his love for his girlfriend at Yankees stadium, etc) Of all of them, I think THIS scene has the most emotion and is the most heartfelt moment. Just so real, honest … Friendship Love revealed – the best.

You know what I love? Mmm-hmm?
How you just do everything for everybody else
and you never expect anything back.
In fact, when I say thank you, I don’t
know, do you hear that or not?
It’s cute.
And I love…
I just love…
You’re the only person I’ve never lied to in my life.
I swear to God.
I just trust you more than anybody in the world.
You know every secret about me.
I love your smile.
That smile is the magic.
When I’m in the operating room all I think about is,
“All right, 20 more minutes, I get to see the smile.”
It’s just like…
It starts my day, that smile …

Beautiful.  Makes my heart smile.


I’d Be Lying…

Who knew while flipping channels, I would hear a beautiful voice singing with words that ring so true….

ABC’s the Bachelor brought me to this song …

 

 

Thank you to Bachelor ABC for introducing me to “I’d be lyin'” by Lucy Angel Band!

 

 

 


Survivor

 

I came across the below written by Lorna Evol (Charlene) and wow the words were written as if they came out of my mouth.  Such raw, strong, truthful words.  Resonates …

Once those blood ties are broken there can be no repairing it because it wasn’t worth it to them therefore it is no longer worth it to me.  I really tried but I can only be hurt so much….no more…

Survivor:

As she wiped the blood from her lip she smiled and said in a tone of determination, Is that all that you have? You have tried your damnedest to beat me down. I have been spit in the face by the betrayal of those close to me. I have tasted the bitterness of the bullshit of lies fed to me by those who said they loved me. You expected me to be the good girl for the sake of others, while sacrificing my own identity. I have walked through days with nothing but shreds of self dignity. Each corner I have turned I wondered what cruel ass lesson would be taught to me. You have put judgement, shame, hatred, and ridicule in your bag of shit to dump on me. Yet here I stand battered and bruised, flawed and fucked up, I am standing with my head held high. I ask again life. Is this really the best you have to BREAK ME? She stood there fists held high because she knew all her life it would be ass kicking time. – Lorna Evol

 

Yes I am a Survivor … each and every day!


Just how I am feeling….

…this second….It’s time we all stopped hiding from life, and said yes to the adventure of being alive.  Enough of the routine already. Go on…I dare you, myself – to have an adventure – do what you always wanted deep within your heart. Do what brings you alive, and the universe will open doors where there were only walls.  Gotta believe.  Don’t give up HOPE. Tomorrow is bound to be better.  We just have to go out there…make it happen!  ♥


Why Not Me

Suddenly, it came to me surrendering could set me free
Oh, what a comedy
Just when I’d scratched true love from my list
Given up hope such a thing could exist
Then you came along
So it was you all along

You who made me figure out what all those songs are all about
If love could save this whole damn world, then why not me?

Love again,
Like a forgotten friend came round the bend
I’m in love again
I think it’s love

I’ve come to grips with my loneliness
Contented myself with a meaningless kiss
When you came along
So it was you all along

You who made me figure out what all those songs are all about
If love could save this whole damn world,
This beautiful, this mixed up world
Then why not me?


%d bloggers like this: