Tag Archives: hope

Linger …

Today …  a very new friend of mine is traveling from NYC to Iceland for 14 days and I find myself obsessed with the very thought of him lingering in my mind, in my thoughts, in my random smile.  As I write, think on this, I hear the song, “Linger” by the Cranberries. Signs are everywhere, if you keep your mind and heart open to them.

I always tend to attempt dating each and every summer … and those months starting with the letter J!  Being June already is no different.  What is different is actually believing this may be a real possibility of me finding myself again, of falling in love – that I won’t get bored, distracted, jaded, disillusioned, overwhelmed.  I won’t make excuses, and go back into hibernation.  I am nearing the end of my 40s and I don’t plan on being alone.  I owe it to myself, and to my Michael’s forever love for me to keep moving forward, accepting love, and no more settling.

We all wish to be wanted, desired – I can easily admit that I need it.
We all want to be understood –  I will no longer settle for less.

I have had so many people I love die way too young.  I want to live with purpose, live more fully for them as well as for myself.  Life moves too fast.  In a blink, you can have it all and lose it all as quickly.

This week, I find myself more alive, carefree.  Wanting … wanting not to be alone.

Longing to be held by strong arms. Feel my fingers entwined with another’s.

Living to anticipate a kiss that takes my breath away …  again.
Looking forward to staying awake until the sun rises.

I want to slow down and listen, breathe it all in.

I want to stare into his eyes, get lost in reliving the moments.

I want to be free to be me around him.
I will sit quietly and wonder if he dares to let our lips linger without fully kissing, breathing me in and holding me tight.

I wish time could stop … I wish I could stop time –  so we can linger.
An honest life is made of moments of both good and bad – I fully understand this.  But right this minute, this instance, this small moment in time, I want my conversations with him to linger … and when I sigh, I want him to sigh.

Is this all too much to wish upon? No – already our conversation linger on my lips …  as always with grace in my step, hope in my heart, smile on my lips …

 

 

 


Just how I am feeling….

…this second….It’s time we all stopped hiding from life, and said yes to the adventure of being alive.  Enough of the routine already. Go on…I dare you, myself – to have an adventure – do what you always wanted deep within your heart. Do what brings you alive, and the universe will open doors where there were only walls.  Gotta believe.  Don’t give up HOPE. Tomorrow is bound to be better.  We just have to go out there…make it happen!  ♥


Don’t Want This Night To End…♥

Girl I know I don’t know you
But your pretty little eyes so blue
Are pulling me in
Like the moon on your skin

I’m so glad you trusted me
To slide up on this dusty seat
And let your hair down
Get out of town

Got the stars coming out over my hood
And all I know now is it’s going good

You got your hands up
You’re rocking in my truck
You got the radio on
You’re singing every song
I’m set on cruise control
I’m slowly losing hold
Of everything I got
You’re looking so damn hot

And I don’t know what road we’re on
Or where we’ve been
From staring at you girl
All I know is I don’t want this night to end

Gonna cuss the morning when it comes
Cause I know that the rising sun
Ain’t no good for me
Cause you’ll have to leave

Gonna make the most of every mile
Do anything to make your smile
Land on my lips
Get drunk on your kiss

Clock on the dash says 3:35
There’s plenty of gas and the night’s still alive

You got your hands up
You’re rocking in my truck
You got the radio on
You’re singing every song
I’m set on cruise control
I’m slowly losing hold
Of everything I got
You’re looking so damn hot

And I don’t know what road we’re on
Or where we’ve been
From staring at you girl
All I know is I don’t want this night to end

You got your hands up
You’re rocking in my truck
You got the radio on
You’re singing every song
I’m set on cruise control
I’m slowly losing hold
Of everything I got
You’re looking so damn hot

And I don’t know what road we’re on
Or where we’ve been
From staring at you girl
All I know is I don’t want this night to end

I don’t want this night to end

No I don’t want this night to end…♥


Do I dare pray for another chance at life?

I find myself at an all-time low. Snow falls all around me outside, tears inside me. Last week I reached a small positive milestone, I was able to walk, in the ice and snow, and managed to keep my anxiety low, not falling, slipping nor breaking any bones since marking my one year anniversary of getting hit by a car. But this past weekend, brought me much heartache…a man I was dating verbally and physically assaulted me. I am mad at myself for allowing myself to be treated poorly and tolerating these selfish, insecure people in my life.

I am sure we have all heard the saying, “Never let someone be your priority, while you remain their option” – but how many actually follow this sage advice?! I know I have not…but I am working on it…

It’s no secret I have a weakness — I see people better than they really are or better than they see themselves. My expectations and trust of people always gets the best of me because I place them high on top of the totem pole instead of leaving room for their faults and issues so, when they do something that goes against what I think of them; I always, always end up being disappointed and in tears. When getting involved in a romantic relationship this kind of thinking has always lead to my own personal heartbreak because I chose to make a man my priority when he only considers me his option.

No more. And just when I thought things could not possibly get any worse…I find myself lost…yet again. I got worse news from my doctor…heard those dreaded words, “you need a biopsy”. Seriously! I am trying to process…words replaying in my head….dense breast tissue, spot compression, need for additional projections, sonogram, ultrasound exam, aggressive cells…biopsy…I don’t know how I will survive the wait in between more tests.

I had my mammogram in December then I was told because it showed dense breast cancer tissue, which I was assured then, was common – I had to have more tests done. So, after getting the insurance company to agree to move forward, I endured more tests – different breast imaging tests. And today was more tests results day. Yes, another dark day!

The past couple of months, I have been accused of being negative. I just rationalized that I was a realist. I always believed I was a glass half full, turn lemons into lemonade kind of gal. Ha! Fast realizing that I am not so much an optimist as I am a pessimist with the largest worry gene. When the sun is shining bright, I carry an umbrella, anticipating rain; when the phone rings after 10pm, I envision twisted metal, heart attacks, start to mentally plan a funeral. Truth be told, I have never been the overly effusive, perky, upbeat cheerleader type. But I still thought I was a positive person, adapting well to change. Not afraid to be impulsive and take risks. I am admittedly not the type to in denial of every dark emotion I have had. I have had my inner demons of sadness make me doubt God at times, especially when I was younger. But I believe in God, and I place my faith in Him, and I pray, hope, and believe that things happen for a reason. Sometimes God wants us to trust Him through hell so that He can give us strength to see better days. And I am beginning to think I am like a cat with nine lives and then some…

Right now I am just channeling darkness….what can I say – I have dark hair, dark eyes…I am dark. So, I guess being an intellectual and a cynic, I have trouble admitting this but I have to believe this latest bad news will somehow turn out well.

I do volunteer work at Memorial Sloan-Kettering so I tend to keep up with research. I know all too well the statistics. I have just, once again, joined the growing ranks of cancer survivors who are confronting second, new malignancies—not a recurrence or spread of their original disease. Sometimes, the new cancer is an aftereffect of powerful radiation or chemotherapy treatments. Other times, genetic or familial risks play a role. And sometimes, lifestyle—diet or exposure to toxins—is to blame. The numbers are surging: An astonishing one in six people with a new cancer diagnosis had previously been diagnosed with a different cancer. Yup! That would be me. I always knew the risks, early on. We all need to know that many chemotherapy drugs are themselves cancer-causing agents. The chemo that’s eliminating a first cancer may cause another later; while targeting the DNA of cancer cells, the drugs also affect normal cells. I am proof of that.

Years after my leukemia fight, I was cautioned that I would most likely have complications from experimental treatments. And the past few years, I have had many tumors removed. For many cancer patients, radiation treatment controls tumor growth, decreases recurrences, and improves survival. Like chemotherapy, though, radiation itself is a cancer risk. As patients live longer after treatment, the possibility of a radiation-induced tumor rises. So, I tend to live my life with eyes wide open – even so, I am thrown for a loop. I knew, on an intellectual level, I am a high risk, and considering my health history, today should not have come as such a surprise. But it has. I cannot emphasize to other cancer survivors and patients how important it is to be brave, face facts and act fast…I know I will.

Considering I am such a worry wart, you would think I would be more prepared to handle today’s news. Learning that worrying does NOT prepare you for disaster. Learning that nothing prepares you. The worst has found me again, and you know what? I will have to deal with it … keeping hope in my soul…grace in my step…love in my heart. ♥

So the last couple of weeks, especially the past ninety-six hours, I am trying to remain hopeful, thinking about how different things can happen, be quite insightful, humbling and puts things into perspective.

Sending out a special request to all who read this, pray…for me, for you…for all.

“Life is short. Kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly” ― Paulo Coelho


Embraced by the light…joie de vivre…♥

So…another Wednesday, another morning at occupational therapy….no pain, no gain – HA!

I ran into someone I knew from HS – well, my therapy building is near my old stomping grounds – not far from our High School.  We stopped for coffee afterwards, chatting, catching up – and she made me cry…not maliciously – but nonetheless…felt more like support therapy rather than occupational, physical therapy – maybe both are needed in tandem.

I walked away replaying parts of the conversation and feeling grateful.  She said to me that there is a light about me, that draws people to me….that its probably because I have been through so much and am very grateful, appreciative and that people pick up on this and just want to be near me.  She said I was full of joy and my smile radiates.  I was like wow, really??!!   Hmmm….

All I know is that I am trying really hard to de-clutter my life.  Stay away from drama and negative people.  Life is definitely way too short to be dragged down by someone else’s nonsense.

When you have lost your faith and freedom for years, you get this incredible urge to cut away all the fears and expectations – and just experience life for all its worth. I want to believe that I am open…open to whether you want to hurt me, or love me…I don’t care. I just don’t want to hear that I have to wait, that I can’t, or shouldn’t…I just want to LIVE – live without boundaries.

I don’t expect many to ever fully understand what I am going through, what I am feeling, why I do some of the impulsive things I do. You know what losing someone that I loved deeply has taught me? That it takes a brush with death to get your priorities in order. And then one day if you are lucky, you wake up and realize it was worth every minute of pain that you had to endure…just to learn how to live again. That is where I am at – learning how to live again….each and every day I have to remind myself of this.

I vowed to never again allow anyone or anything get me so down, so lost that I had to second guess everything.  Life is way too short.  When we’re after more out of life, when we’re looking for the depth and satisfaction few even know exist, sometimes the disappointment is as deep, as the joy. I can’t just lie down and give up. I know the real satisfaction comes from trying, from living to the fullest. My ramblings, my beliefs, my hope…

On my forever quest to somehow smooth out the edges of  my soul…faith – hope – love – promise…♥  Embracing my own light….embracing me…joie de vivre!

“Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.” – Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet


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