Tag Archives: Grief

My Chili Dog

I no longer know who I am if I am not a doggie mom.  I have nothing to rush home to anymore.  It’s very disconcerting.  I have had dogs in my life steadily for the past 22 years … now only in my heart, memories.  My heart hurts.

Always greeted with such sweet kisses, wagging tails.  Today I walked into the vet with my precious 12-year-old Boston on a leash and walked out with an empty leash and broken heart.  Tears don’t stop.

I had that split second of indecision – should I bring him home, keep him next to me for a few more days or say good bye and hold him as his little heart stopped.   I pray I did the right thing.  I let him go.  Tumors and fluid had filled his abdomen and his heart was not working well.  His breathing was labored, he wasn’t walking nor eating.  I can’t remember him that way.  I want to remember him as the loving, kind companion he was.  My Chili Dog = my heart.

My first dog was my companion, my adventure seeker.  We traveled, we dined out.  He went everywhere I went, even to work a few times.  When my Cairn Terrier became a big brother, he became the protector, sharing his bed and toys with his baby brother.  He would bark if anyone got too close.  It was endearing.  Losing him was hard.  I never felt pain like that.  But my Boston would comfort me, snuggle up to me and together we forged a new life built on trust, love and patience.

My Boston was not much for adventure, he was more the stay in bed and snuggle.  It worked – I was going through a series of health issues – cancer, broken bones – and healing at home with the best snuggler was my saving grace.  He became my hero – just when I thought I couldn’t take anymore treatments, bad news, I was always met with wet kisses.  He just knew how to chase the demons away.

Today I am all alone.  But I know my two fur babies are playing together with no pain.  One day soon, this will comfort me.  Today I grieve.

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Heaven has another angel…

Came across this poem below and really needed it today. We lost yet another family member, my first cousin, Germancito, after a very long battle with Cancer. He put up a good fight, but God has decided to relieve him of his pain and suffering. It was time for German to join God as one of his angels in heaven. My heart breaks for my aunt, Rosa, his siblings and for his 2 beautiful children. I pray that God gives my family the strength to deal with this immense loss. This was a man that I admired, he was, and always will be such an inspiration to me, his strength was incredible. Rest in peace. Life is so fragile. I wish more people, especially in my immediate family, could see and appreciate how short life truly is and take time to care about others, show more compassion. I feel at times, I care too much, I hurt too deep, but my heart is ever expanding and always forgiving. The sun shines yet again as God took another angel into heaven.

The loss of a love one is so hard to face,
you just want to hide,
go somewhere and escape!
But death is something,
we all must go through,
I know it’s hard,
when it’s someone you loved and knew.

Just know now,
he is in a better place,
no more hurt or pain shall he face.
It seems unfair and yes this is true,
but he is in Heaven now
watching over me and you!

God has called him home to rest!!
And he’s being well taken care of
Because God knows best!

“Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.” ― Leo Tolstoy


Sympathy, empathy…Grieving…

Another sad day as the sun shines bright bringing another angel to Heaven. My second cousin, who died June 11, 2013, left a hole in our family; but now he is being joined by his only son, his namesake – who died a hero at the age of 24, trying to save a friend. Both young men drowned this weekend. My heart is broken and aches for my cousin’s wife, the mother of this selfless young man.

This death marks the second for me in less than two weeks. But this one hits me so much harder. My feelings are a mix of sympathy, empathy, selfishness, grief, guilt, confusion…so many jumbled feelings.

When my cousin died last June, I was so afraid to see him in the casket. My cousin looked so much like my brother growing up. My brother passed away when he was only 25 years old, twenty years ago; but there isn’t a day that I don’t think about him, miss him. I think I was filled with so many anxious feelings of having to relive the moment of seeing my brother in the casket again. And now thinking of how my cousin’s son died…due to drowning and he was only 24 – almost exactly like my brother. It’s surreal. I feel like my heart is being ripped open again, emotions so raw, jumbled. Feeling like I did 20 years ago.

I know I can’t fully understand how my cousin-in-law feels – losing her husband, now losing her only son. I am sympathetic. I worry how she will survive, and find a way to move forward. Although, I feel sorry for her loss, I am also feeling strong pangs of empathy, and reliving my own personal loss from many years ago. It may be impossible to be fully empathetic because each individual’s reactions, thoughts and feelings to tragedy are unique. But I am not just feeling sorry for, I am sorry with and have placed myself in the midst of someone else’s emotional reactions.

Learning that grief takes on many forms, and never goes away fully.

“You don’t get over it, you just get through it. You don’t get by it, because you can’t get around it. It doesn’t ‘get better’; it just gets different. Everyday… Grief puts on a new face.” – (Wendy Feireisen)

“Learn to get in touch with silence within yourself, and know that everything in this life has purpose. There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from.” – (Elizabeth Kubler-Ross) ♥


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