The month of September always starts out by reminding me of loss….of the great men I have lost in my life…and it just makes me feel lost myself , unfocused…sad….I am trying to be in a good place, stay strong.
September 1st would have been my Dad’s 73rd birthday….its been 15 years since his passing, and I miss him each and every day….more so when I feel alone, sad, just plain scared at times…he would have been my rock. I was and will always be a Daddy’s girl.
I am beyond dreading the 11th. Already in NYC, there has been a flurry of added security. I just feel like I can’t escape the memories of profound sadness that permeates these leading days. I don’t date; feel like I will never fall in love again. Many of my friends think I will never get over my fiancé lost to me on 9/11 and that I don’t give men a fair chance because I compare all to him…but they are partly right, and I understand this. I don’t want to settle for just anyone anymore. I want that grand love I had before. I know I deserve that and more….most days…just maybe not today.
Last week I spent the 90% of the long holiday weekend, in my pjs…feeling slightly gloomy, being unshowered – pathetic. I managed to watch sad movies – sort of allowing me to validate my feelings. I feel stuck and unmotivated lately. Going through the motions at work. Thank goodness I don’t have many friends nearby, because I have been just a drag to be around.
ME = Broken. Victim. Complainer. Crying all the time. Barely leaving the house.
I just want to feel numb sometimes. Carefully teetering on the tightrope of not feeling well, and not wanting to exist…to wanting to rewind the last few years…to finding a shred of hope and looking for a challenging work and love….I vacillate.
But for the next few days, weeks…I think I will allow myself to continue being one of the walking depressed. I won’t fully collapse and stay in bed all day. I will get up Monday and go to work. I will keep looking for hope and strength, keep smiling through my tears, keep looking after my dog, my friends. Keep blogging and tweeting and enjoy a glass or two of vino. I just sadly have to admit, I will do all while being profoundly unhappy….accepting my life right now. Knowing things will change…time and hope propel me forward. ♥mm♥
I did remind myself that September is California Wine Month…so I think I will try to get myself out my funk, by drinking responsibly and deliciously enjoying a glass of red wine….each day until perhaps October comes. I will need to read up on California wineries and make my picks. A little research, a little sip…will hopefully chase away some of the sadness. A girl can dream…Everyone has problems. Some people are just better at hiding them than others. I will fake my way through another week.
I will soon…reach out as if I could touch the breath of beginnings where each moment is one of discovery instead of one step closer to goodbye.