I came across the below written by Lorna Evol (Charlene) and wow the words were written as if they came out of my mouth. Such raw, strong, truthful words. Resonates …
Once those blood ties are broken there can be no repairing it because it wasn’t worth it to them therefore it is no longer worth it to me. I really tried but I can only be hurt so much….no more…
As she wiped the blood from her lip she smiled and said in a tone of determination, Is that all that you have? You have tried your damnedest to beat me down. I have been spit in the face by the betrayal of those close to me. I have tasted the bitterness of the bullshit of lies fed to me by those who said they loved me. You expected me to be the good girl for the sake of others, while sacrificing my own identity. I have walked through days with nothing but shreds of self dignity. Each corner I have turned I wondered what cruel ass lesson would be taught to me. You have put judgement, shame, hatred, and ridicule in your bag of shit to dump on me. Yet here I stand battered and bruised, flawed and fucked up, I am standing with my head held high. I ask again life. Is this really the best you have to BREAK ME? She stood there fists held high because she knew all her life it would be ass kicking time. – Lorna Evol
Yes I am a Survivor … each and every day!
This year has brought to light many betrayals. My body has betrayed me. Some girlfriends double crossed me. Another friend disclosed some information in the hopes of exposing some little known facts about me. Some friends I want to believe unintentionally revealed little things. But the biggest betrayal was from a person I considered a best friend, the one who knew all my secrets, fears. I have never felt so disillusioned and vulnerable. Mind you, I have family members who are mentally ill and re-write history all of the time. So I am used to betrayal but not to this magnitude, not from the one person I considered sane, in control.
I go to Mass and want to light a candle for all that are lost. But then I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror – and I am the one that is lost. “It is not an enemy who taunts me – I could bear that. It is not my foes who so arrogantly insult me – I could have hidden from them. Instead, it is you – my equal, my companion and close friend. What good fellowship we once enjoyed as we walked together to the house of God.” – Psalm 55:12-15
Of all experiences in life, betrayal by a trusted friend is one of the most difficult to understand, accept, move on from. I find it difficult to breathe some times. My self-esteem was already at a low from my accident, losing my job, dealing with a new cancer, feeling dependent. Betrayals from friends only further produced feelings of worthlessness for having trusted an untrustworthy person. I feel like anger and depression are my only recourse. It raises questions about my judgment. Because of the intimate friend’s knowledge of my situation, such betrayal has great potential for further damage. And I am just not equipped right now, in this singular frame of mind to effectively deal with all of it.
I just quietly pray. Help me, Lord God, to let go of the hurts that have come my way. Amen.
Igniting my own true light out of this darkness.