Category Archives: Words

My Last Day …

Have been having a terribly long stint of insomnia lately but I have been resting, laying in bed listening to music and prone dancing – yes just made that up.

Heard this beautiful song last in the wee hours of today.  The English lyrics have been translated below – but as most of us know, direct translation never captures the same meaning.  It’s a beautifully stirring song.

As if it were my last day,
I’m going to live with a sincere love
And show those close to me how much I love them.

As if it were my last day,
I’m going to fight for my dreams,
Living without fear and treasuring every minute.
I’m not going to wait until tomorrow because all I have is the present.

If there wasn’t much time, I would stay and take a moment
To show you that I love you and that I am fully content that I have you.
And if your joy depended on me, I would give everything I can to you to make this day the best day in our life.

If this was my last chance to look at you again,
I would make this moment the most important in your memory,
Because in the times of difficulty and stress of this life, we miss the details we later wish we could remember.
And then regret that we’ve forgotten these experiences, and mourn that we cannot recreate them.

If there wasn’t much time, I would stay and take a moment
To show you that I love you and that I am fully content that I have you.
And if your joy depended on me, I would give everything I can to you,
And make this day the best day in our life.

I would enjoy all that God has given me
friends, family and love,
and I’ll make this day the best of my life.


In Memory of Me …

I have just not been able to write as much as I would prefer lately.  So many thoughts, words, complete sentences in my head … but having a hard time expressing myself without crying at times.  Been so busy building walls so others can no longer hurt me, that I just can’t express myself in the only real way I know.   Sinking into depression … I know I am but I am not sure what I can do differently, right now. I feel lost, alone, insecure, idle, forgotten, bored … Emotional flu … yes that is what I have, lately.  Tired of feeling – especially sorry for myself.  So it’s taken me awhile to write this post.  Sometimes my hurt overwhelms me.

Anyone who really takes the time to know me, understand my life – they would know I have never had a good relationship with my mother and her daughters.  My sister is having knee surgery and will be staying with my Mom, so whenever any one of my sisters visit, even for a few hours every few months, my mother tends to be even more cruel to me.  For some reason, this past Friday we were talking about someone we knew and how they died with no family.  My mother then proceeded to tell me that I should save money to make sure I can pay for my own burial since no one would help once I die and I shouldn’t think to burden anyone.  Now I know deep in my heart that my family couldn’t care less if I lived or died.  I have known this far too long.  And sadly, yet obviously prudently, I already took measures for my burial many years ago after my first bout of cancer.  I reassured my Mom very calmly that I already took care of things for when I die.  Then I just went upstairs to my safe place, my own apartment, and just cried for hours.  My mother will never know how much she has hurt me, how much her words hurt me.  Just when I think she can’t hurt me anymore, I learn that it’s just never going to stop.  My skin just isn’t thick enough sometimes.  My heart breaks a little more each day when I am around her.  I try so hard … try not to let her words bury me alive.

So many hours I find myself too weak, too sad to do much of anything which only makes me sadder. I try.  I am in pure survival mode.  Don’t need to be saved. I need to be found and appreciated for exactly who I am.  I need others for my voice right now.

Quotes that speak to me, for me …

“Sensitive suffer more, but they love more and dream more.”  – Augusto Cury

“A sensitive soul sees the world through the lens of love.” – Unknown

“Having a soft heart in a cruel world is courage, not weakness.” ― Katherine Henson

“You soak up others’ moods and desires like a sponge. You absorb sensation the way a paintbrush grasps each color it touches on a palette. The ethereal beauty of a dandelion, the shift of a season, the climax of a song, or a certain stirring scent can awaken such wonder they’ll become your very breath itself – moving through you as fuel does to fire and wind does to waves. ~ Victoria Erickson

I have to keep reminding myself to love myself first and foremost … I have been on my own longer than I have ever been with anyone, loner by nature, alone by choice.

I’m here – I’m a survivor – and you can, too!  Everyone has to deal with their own situation, but my method is ‘distraction’.  My pain, worry leads me to writing.  Peace, acceptance, quiet, serenity, empowerment … keep loving myself.  Keep striving to have a decent life.  I have to remember who I am – that is how I will get through this life … with grace in my step and hope in my heart.


I Stand Naked

Real soulmates know without having to ask the easy questions … The one who deserves your naked body is the one who knows your story.

* I do not own these two poems, but it was too beautiful not to share.*

You think you’ve seen her naked because she took her clothes off?
Tell me about her dreams.
Tell me what breaks her heart.
What is she passionate about, and what makes her cry?
Tell me about her childhood.
Better yet, tell me one story about her that you’re not in.

You’ve seen her skin, and you’ve touched her body.
But you still know as much about her as a book you once found,
but never got around to opening.

i felt you not

by fingertips
or even against my lips.
i felt you in my breath
and in my bones.
And how you turned my skin
from a body to a home.

i found you
not by compass
and not by map.
i found you from the light
that made it through the cracks.

Grace, Dominic Matthew Jackson

I am still waiting on this person. I thought I found him – once, twice … many eons ago, in shadows, in rare moments, in my memories. But he only tore my pages apart to the ones where he and only he was the star in them.   You could touch a woman’s body but still have her soul remain untouched. I am not for shallow waters – you want me, you better get to know me in the depth of my soul.

I want, I wait for that one special person who will open my book … who will devour the light that reaches his eyes and who can savor every single word that he reads, sees, understands, and still after turning the last page, wants to know more, to seek  out more, to understand the words that I do not yet know how to write or share.  I want him to read until our lives entwined becomes the book. I want to love with all of my soul …

Waiting …  standing here naked …


The Edge of Forever

It’s my Hallmark’s Signed, Sealed Delivered marathon Saturday!  Just finished watching episode 5: The Edge of Forever.  As a mother’s last wish is to unite her daughters after her death is realized by words in a letter.  Part of the letter is read aloud: “A treasure waits for you to find, but only if you leave behind whatever each has in her heart that kept two sisters so long apart.”

Story of love, family, forgiveness, respect and moving on …  and the power of heartfelt words.

The final lines of the letter implore the two sisters to disperse their mother’s ashes together; to take the hike they never got to and find the edge of forever. As the sisters walk through the forest they come upon a breathtaking clearing where mountains rise above the valley. As the sisters open the urn and prepare to disperse the ashes, they realize they should say a prayer. Shane looks to Oliver, saying as a man of faith he would be the perfect person to deliver a final prayer. As the two sisters join hands and disperse their mother’s ashes, Oliver speaks:

“Whenever I have sorrow, Whenever clouds arise, when songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies, I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free; His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me. His eye is on the sparrow and I know… He watches me.”

What beautiful words … finding hope and comfort with faith in God in any given situation … yes, we must keep doing so.  Timing is everything.  Trying to remember that God walks with me … with grace in my step and hope in my heart.


High … One Day!

I heard this song at the mall yesterday and the words spoke to me ….

When you’re close to tears remember
Someday it’ll all be over
One day we’re gonna get so high
Though it’s darker than December
What’s ahead is a different colour
One day we’re gonna get so high

And at the end of the day remember the days
When we were close to the end
And wonder how we made it through the night
At the end of the day
Remember the way
We stayed so close to the end
We’ll remember it was me and you

Cause we are gonna be
Forever, you and me
You will
Always keep it flying high in the sky
Of love

Don’t you think it’s time you started
Doing what we always wanted
One day we’re gonna get so high
Cause even the impossible
Is easy when we got each other
One day we’re gonna get so high

And at the end of the day remember the days
When we were close to the end
And wonder how we made it through the night
At the end of the day
Remember the way
We stayed so close to the end
We’ll remember it was me and you

Cause we are gonna be
Forever, you and me
You will
Always keep it flying high in the sky
Of love

And at the end of the day remember the days
When we were close to the end
And wonder how we made it through the night
At the end of the day
Remember the way
We stayed so close to the end
We’ll remember it was me and you

Cause we are gonna be
Forever, you and me
You will
Always keep it flying high in the sky
Of love

Cause we are gonna be
Forever, you and me
You will
Always keep it flying high in the sky
Of love

Cause we are gonna be
Forever, you and me
You will
Always keep it flying high in the sky
Of love ….

❤ ❤ ❤


Actions speak louder than words

I came across the below words and had to share. I live by the words – actions speak louder than words!

Tiny Wisdom: Actions Speak Louder Than Words

By Lori Deschene (credit)

“Actions speak louder than words, but not nearly as often.” – Mark Twain

A while back, I wrote a blog post about giving people the benefit the doubt, and suggested, as I often do, that people rarely intend to be hurtful.

Someone wrote in the comments that I’ve obviously never encountered a sociopath.

This got me thinking about the many times I’ve heard women refer to men they’ve dated as sociopaths and narcissists. It occurred to me that many of those men likely treated them horribly, but may not have had mental disorders.

There are sociopaths out there, but more often than not when people hurt us, it’s not because of psychiatric diagnoses. It’s because they’re hauling around pain from their pasts and crashing it into everyone they meet.

When someone knowingly manipulates or uses others, or deliberately tries to control or intimidate them and they aren’t mentally ill, it’s rarely a happy, well-adjusted person who simply decided to be heartless and cruel.

In understanding this, we can be compassionate—but that doesn’t mean we need to willingly accept mistreatment.

The question then becomes: how do we know when to give someone the benefit of the doubt, and when to withhold it?

Last week a reader shared an insightful Oprah quote that read, “When people show you who they are, believe them.”

While I don’t believe any one action defines who someone is, I think there’s something to this. Actions speak louder than words. And repeated actions are what shape our character and reputation.

If someone says they want to spend time together but repeatedly fails to show up, they are communicating that they aren’t willing to follow through on their promises.

If someone says they’re trustworthy but repeatedly lies, they are communicating that their word can’t be trusted.

If someone says they want to change but repeatedly fails to make an effort, they are communicating that aren’t willing to do things differently.

Acknowledging this isn’t forming judgments. It’s recognizing the facts so that we can make a wise choice based on how things are—not how we want them to be.

We may recognize we’re being mistreated and choose to set and enforce a boundary. We all deserve second chances, and sometimes a third or fourth.

But other times we need to open our eyes so that we know when enough is enough.

It’s never our fault when someone else hurts us, but it’s within our power to stop allowing it.
________________
So, I have realized the last couple of men I have dated have been complete narcissists. They said all the right things but their actions never measured up. I am just happy I finally woke up and now have my eyes wide open. I won’t settle. I expect people to do what they say they will do. I expect people to be honest – even if it hurts. Life is too short for second-guessing, constant doubts. I don’t need to hear empty words and promises, I need to pay attention to the little cues, signs, body language.

“Lips and tongues lie. But actions never do. No matter what words are spoken, actions betray the truth of everyone’s heart.”
― Sherrilyn Kenyon, Born of Fury

“Thoughts do more. Words to much. Actions do much more.”
― Israelmore Ayivor


Her Words …

“Love a girl who writes, and live her many lives;
You have yet to find her, beneath her words of guise.

Kiss her blue inked fingers, forgive the pens they marked.
The stain of your lips upon her, the one she can’t discard.

Forget her tattered memories, or the pages others took;
You are her ever-after, the hero of her book.”
― Lang Leav


Love Lang …

I came across words, passages, quotes that loudly resonated with me and discovered an author that is in my head as well as heart – Lang Leav.

“What was it like to love him? Asked Gratitude.
It was like being exhumed, I answered, and brought to life in a flash of brilliance.

What was it like to be loved in return? Asked Joy.
It was like being seen after a perpetual darkness, I replied. To be heard after a lifetime of silence.

What was it like to lose him? Asked Sorrow. There was a long pause before I responded:

It was like hearing every goodbye ever said to me—said all at once.”

————————————————-

“It happens like this.

“One day you meet someone and for some inexplicable reason, you feel more connected to this stranger than anyone else–closer to them than your closest family. Perhaps this person carries within them an angel–one sent to you for some higher purpose; to teach you an important lesson or to keep you safe during a perilous time. What you must do is trust in them–even if they come hand in hand with pain or suffering–the reason for their presence will become clear in due time.”

Though here is a word of warning–you may grow to love this person but remember they are not yours to keep. Their purpose isn’t to save you but to show you how to save yourself. And once this is fulfilled; the halo lifts and the angel leaves their body as the person exits your life. They will be a stranger to you once more.

————————————————-

It’s so dark right now, I can’t see any light around me.
That’s because the light is coming from you. You can’t see it but everyone else can.”


If I Don’t Tell You Now …

One of my favorite lines from my early movie today:

Look, that night was as much a surprise to me as it was to you. But being with you was like going to a place that I had never been before. And after you fell asleep I just laid there, staring up at those cheap fluorescent stars you have stuck on your ceiling, and – after a while they just started forming a pattern, this weird glow-in-the-dark pattern that linked together our entire relationship. And for the first time everything seemed clear to me – like one logical progression. It felt like you and I were the greatest plan ever made and I had nothing to do with it. Being with you made me feel that maybe I didn’t have to keep planning anymore because it felt like I was actually living. And that for once in my life I wouldn’t have to work so hard at being happy. That it could just happen. Nothing will ever hurt me as much as your reaction to that same experience.

Love this song:

Ooh ooh oh yeah
I kept it inside for the longest time and I can’t keep keeping it
All this love that’s inside of my heart
Maybe it’s safer not to say that I care
Maybe this road won’t lead me anywhere
But if I don’t tell you now (if I don’t tell you now)
I may never get the chance again (I may never get the chance again)
To tell you that I need you, tell you what I’m feeling
If I keep these feelings in
And if I don’t say the words (if I don’t say the words)
How will you hear what’s inside my heart
How will you know then
If I don’t tell you now

Ohhh
I’d do anything to be in your dreams and I can’t stand standing by
With this dream that’s inside my heart(heart)
Maybe I’m only gonna make a mistake
And there’s a chance maybe my heart will break

But if I don’t tell you now (if I don’t tell you now)
I may never get the chance again (I may never get the chance again)
To tell you that I need you, tell you what I’m feeling
If I keep these feelings in
And if I don’t say the words (if I don’t say the words)
How will you hear what’s inside my heart
How will you know then
If I don’t tell you now

Ooooooh
How will you know you’re inside my soul
Oh it’s driving me crazy
Cause you don’t see, you’re the world to me
I’m so afraid to see
The way that I feel for you

If I don’t tell you now (if I don’t tell you now)
I may never get the chance again (I may never get the chance again)
To tell you that I need you, tell you what I’m feeling
If I keep these feelings in
And if I don’t say the words (if I don’t say the words)
How will you hear what’s inside my heart
How will you know then
If I don’t tell you now

Ohhhh ohhhh
If I don’t tell you now…


Words…

Words…words…words…

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me!
Do you remember hearing this as a child? How many times did we recite these very words? Countless…. However, over the course of my life, I never realized how wrong that little tune was. As a child, I grew up in a very dysfunctional home. I am still living a nightmare with my bi-polar mother. She still takes no personal responsibility for anything. She continues in her world of blame and ridicule, and her words cut like a knife. It breaks my heart how she treats me, but also my 76 year old step-father. She stops talking to him, caring for him; her silence is deafening and further alienates. I see the light leave his eyes, he tells me his heart hurts. She doesn’t care what her words, her actions, her lack of words do to those around her – only trying to understand, accept and love her. My heart is broken. . I became the pawn between my mom and dad. That is not a very nice place to be. The only other emotion I feel is anger.

I just spent the last two hours crying my eyes out. My mother has been unbearable lately and I just don’t know how much more I can take. My life is just falling apart…I am on the edge, falling; the seams are frayed beyond repair…I don’t see even a flicker at the end…

I am so sick of being a punching bag. There are times, too many – too often, the words that come out of her mouth are appalling. I have been hurt too often and for far too long from my mother. There has always been a small voice deep inside of me that tells me, I need to run away. I know there comes a time in one’s life when you should realize you just can’t help them any longer. I know that time for me is near. I know I need a break, and although I already feel immense guilt, I will have to find the time and strength to cut her out of my life.

Sticks and stones may break my bones…but words can also hurt and haunt me. Sticks and stones break only skin, while words are ghosts that haunt me. Pain from words has left its scar on my mind as well as on my heart. Forever. I am so raw, so tender, even scared. Cuts and bruises heal, but words, words will haunt me…I will remember.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me,” could not be further from the truth. Each one of us has at one time or other been on the receiving end of hurtful words. Make no mistake about it – those painful words not only hurt, they also change us forever. While broken bones can heal in time, words filled with rage, bullying, belittling and scoffing never heal. Even with therapy, time and knowledge – hurtful words remain for a life-time.

“Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions, they become habits. Watch your habits, they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.” Frank Outlaw.

I pray. I cry. I hope.

sticks

words


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