Category Archives: Wine

September….

The month of September always starts out by reminding me of loss….of the great men I have lost in my life…and it just makes me feel lost myself , unfocused…sad….I am trying to be in a good place, stay strong. 

September 1st would have been my Dad’s 73rd birthday….its been 15 years since his passing, and I miss him each and every day….more so when I feel alone, sad, just plain scared at times…he would have been my rock.  I was and will always be a Daddy’s girl. 

I am beyond dreading the 11th.  Already in NYC, there has been a flurry of added security.  I just feel like I can’t escape the memories of profound sadness that permeates these leading days.  I don’t date; feel like I will never fall in love again.   Many of my friends think I will never get over my fiancé lost to me on 9/11 and that I don’t give men a fair chance because I compare all to him…but they are partly right, and I understand this.  I don’t want to settle for just anyone anymore.  I want that grand love I had before.  I know I deserve that and more….most days…just maybe not today. 

Last week I spent the 90% of the long holiday weekend, in my pjs…feeling slightly gloomy, being unshowered – pathetic.  I managed to watch sad movies – sort of allowing me to validate my feelings.  I feel stuck and unmotivated lately.   Going through the motions at work.  Thank goodness I don’t have many friends nearby, because I have been just a drag to be around. 

ME = Broken. Victim. Complainer. Crying all the time. Barely leaving the house. 

I just want to feel numb sometimes.  Carefully teetering on the tightrope of not feeling well, and not wanting to exist…to wanting to rewind the last few years…to finding a shred of hope and looking for a challenging work and love….I vacillate. 

But for the next few days, weeks…I think I will allow myself to continue being one of the walking depressed.  I won’t fully collapse and stay in bed all day.  I will get up Monday and go to work.  I will keep looking for hope and strength, keep smiling through my tears, keep looking after my dog, my friends. Keep blogging and tweeting and enjoy a glass or two of vino.   I just sadly have to admit, I will do all while being profoundly unhappy….accepting my life right now.  Knowing things will change…time and hope propel me forward.  ♥mm♥

I did remind myself that September is California Wine Month…so I think I will try to get myself out my funk, by drinking responsibly and deliciously enjoying a glass of red wine….each day until perhaps October comes.  I will need to read up on California  wineries and make my picks.  A little research, a little sip…will hopefully chase away some of the sadness.  A girl can dream…Everyone has problems. Some people are just better at hiding them than others.  I will fake my way through another week.  

I will soon…reach out as if I could touch the breath of beginnings where each moment is one of discovery instead of one step closer to goodbye.  

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Wine down Wednesday….

Wine is definitely my friend, solace this cold, snowy evening…

“Wine is bottled poetry.” – Robert Louis Stevenson

“One should always be drunk. That’s all that matters…But with what? With wine, with poetry, or with virtue, as you chose. But get drunk.” – Charles Baudelaire

“There are days when solitude is a heady wine that intoxicates you with freedom, others when it is a bitter tonic, and still others when it is a poison that makes you beat your head against the wall.” – Colette

“Wine is one of the most civilized things in the world and one of the most natural things of the world that has been brought to the greatest perfection, and it offers a greater range for enjoyment and appreciation than, possibly, any other purely sensory thing.” – Ernest Hemingway

“We all need something to help us unwind at the end of the day. You might have a glass of wine, or a joint, or a big delicious blob of heroin to silence your silly brainbox of its witterings but there has to be some form of punctuation, or life just seems utterly relentless.” – Russell Brand

Home is where the wine is…unwinding…

I’m a hybrid. I run on chocolate & wine!  ♥


Elusive or sustainable…happiness…WE CAN DECIDE!

“Cherish this moment, for happiness is elusive”…how many of us really believe that happiness is elusive?  I used to believe this…I am slowly realizing that we can learn to sustain our happiness.

Okay – so we can’t beg for it or buy it or even barter for it.  We can however create it and better yet sustain it.  By deciding to be happier, making it a priority – happiness won’t be so elusive.   The old adage, “people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be” is true.  Choose to live a life of happiness.  When you are not ask yourself why and begin to erase the unhappiness.  For me sometimes all it takes is a really good piece of chocolate, a nice pinot noir and some music – can turn my day around.

Learn to be present in the here and now.  Placing emphasis and attention on the past and the future makes it impossible for us to fully experience this moment right now. One way to remind yourself to be present is to take a deep breath any time you notice you are worrying about the future or experiencing regret about the past. Yesterday is your history, the future is a mystery.  The here and now, this moment is life’s true present to ourselves.

Take responsibility for your thoughts and feelings.  Learn to communicate honestly about what you want, expect.    Do not wait for people to make you sweet offers; do not fall into the trap of assuming people should know what you want.   Learn to be less judgmental of ourselves and others.
I am finally learning that I deserve to live the life I want to live.  But in doing so, I also have to allow other people the ability to live the life they choose without judgment and criticism. We can only control our life, putting our attention on how other people ought to live their lives will cause us nothing but disappointment and frustration.

I have stopped worrying what other people think of me.  My opinion of my life is the only one that matters.  I will never make everyone happy – so I choose me.  One way to stop judging others is to stop thinking about what other people think of you. Trying to live up to other people’s expectations is hard, never ending work. This is your life. You are the only one who has to approve of how you live it.

Happiness is less elusive than you might think. It is also contagious. One way to be happy is to be with happy people.  Smile more.  Seriously do the things that make you happy – worth repeating:  chocolate, wine…lol

“If you let go a little, you will have a little happiness. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of happiness. And if you let go completely, you will be completely happy.” ~Ajahn Chah

I won’t lie – it has taken me many tears and years to find happiness that is not so fleeting.  I used to experience some very high and low moments.  So many moments of complete happiness, bliss, peace, and then it used to just dissipate without notice.  Boom!  Like when on vacation, then coming back home!   I started to spend more time by myself, writing, and exploring what was really going on with me – deep inside.  Mainly asking myself:  Is it because I can’t focus that I experience a deflation in my mood? Do I become bored too easily? Or maybe I have lack of patience that often leads to dissatisfaction?

Several pages later, I arrived at: I can focus; but I am impatient, so I involve myself in multiple projects and events to even out the pace.  When one project or event ends, I fully dive into the next to prevent boredom.  During this gap of engagement, my mood shifts.

I used to work only part-time, many temporary consulting positions just for these reasons.  I found comfort in moving around, connecting, accomplishing, engaging, clinging.

After many days, months of soul searching, I learned that I cling.  I realized that many of my mood dips, the occasional creeping feelings of dissatisfaction resulted from my clinging – clinging to past accomplishments, the next stimulating thing, the next anything in the future.   I would bet that many of us, at some point in our daily lives, find ourselves clinging:

  • We cling to old habits.
  • We cling to daily comforts.
  • We cling to pleasing others.
  • We cling to the next vacation.
  • We cling to a stubborn attitude.
  • We cling to the love in a relationship.
  • We cling to a perfection of how we should be.
  • We cling to the security of a paycheck.
  • We cling to memories of the past.
  • We cling to the someday: the someday of when we reach retirement, or when we win the lottery, or when we get that awesome job, or when something uncomfortable in our life passes.

We CLING.

Often our clinging is to satisfy our ego—an attachment to prove to ourselves and the world that we are good enough.  To prove that we are worthy.  To prove that we are somebody special.  We each want to be heard, loved, and appreciated. So we attach ourselves to the needs of those feelings and, in turn, we seek out fulfillment by clinging to external outcomes.   I know in the past, I found myself clinging to the comfort of an unhealthy relationship because of some false belief that I did not deserve better.   I have seen many people cling to over-committing at the office because they don’t fully enjoy their life outside their careers.  Many cling to other people’s opinion or approval because we have not tuned into what we truly want.   Most common, I believe is how we tend to cling to old habits because of the fear of the unknown and change.

Each day we have the decision to choose the constant of peace or the erratic peaks and valleys of satisfaction and dissatisfaction.

Once I recognized that I was clinging, I began to reflect on memories of when I experienced true happiness.  I found, in each these moments, there was neither attachment nor expectation.  I was, simply, fully submerged in the present – completely surrendered to the moment, the present.  Clinging disconnects us from being here. When our mind clings to replaying the stories of the past or worrying about the future, we wander, and wander further away from the present, further away from happiness.

Clinging detaches us from our ability to live freely. It removes us from the flow of creativity and flexibility. When we box ourselves in with expectations of a plan, we distract ourselves from seeing a grander picture. When we cling to expectations of people, desires, and situations, we become shortsighted.

I plan on sustaining my happiness by accepting that happiness is an ongoing practice.  It is a conscious choice.  I’m learning to spend more time here in the moment, while reminding myself that happiness is a choice: I can choose to cling less to the past.  I can choose to wander less to the future. I can choose to marvel more in the present.

Be happy…live wisely.  ♥


If today is your last day on earth, what would you do to make it worth it?

I bet all of us at some time or another, have heard comments like, “seize the moment’, “carpe diem”, “live in the moment”… So many quotes expressing this mentality: “Go for it now.  The future is promised to no one”; “Dream as if you’ll live forever.  Live as if you’ll die today”.   Everybody says things like “Live like there’s no tomorrow” and “Live each day as if it were your last”.

If today might be my last day on earth, If I go to sleep tonight and never wake up again, what exactly am I doing with my life today that would make it worthy of being my last?

“What if today were my last day on earth?” I know many of us don’t think about dying. We’re so wrapped up with egotistical and material things, career, family, having enough money, meeting the mortgage, vacation – we’re involved in billions of little tasks just to keep going. So we don’t get into the habit of standing back and looking at our lives and saying, “Is this all”? Is this really what I want? Is there anything missing? Sometimes you need to come face-to-face with a near death experience. Or have someone point you in that direction.

I find myself asking myself the same questions just about every day: “Is today the day?” “Am I ready?” “ Am I doing all I need to do?” “Am I being the person I want to be?” I think asking these questions allows me to be more prepared. Allows me to become more involved in the everyday aspects of the life I am presently living.

Trust me, once you learn how to die, you learn how to fully live your life. During chemo many eons ago, I never thought I could be so tired. It’s like a continual cloud passing over the sun. There were so many moments when I didn’t know if I would have the strength or sense to get to the bathroom, walk the dog, or even get dressed. But I also learned, that I was stronger than I have ever been.   Lying isolate in a laminar airflow room, I tried to reach the dead within me, in order to fight, to find the will to live.  My mind was clear. That is the moment I learned how to detach. My mortality was at optimal distance, not up so close that it obscures everything else, but close enough to give me depth perception. In the past, it may have taken me weeks, months, or years to discover the meaning of an experience. Now it’s instantaneous.

Detachment, disconnecting to some degree, doesn’t mean you don’t let the experience affect you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate you completely. That’s how you are able to deal with it. Take any emotion – love for a person, or grief for a loved one…. if you hold back on the emotions – if you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them – you can never get to being detached, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, you’re afraid of the grief. You’re afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to leap, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. I have experienced those emotions. I recognize those emotions. Sometimes in order to fully accept, you need to detach from these emotions moments at a time. Let other emotions in.

Learning how to live, fully embracing so many scary,wonderful things is part of living in the moment. Appreciating so many little things. By living each day as if it could be our last, we relate to each life experience passionately, powerfully, and memorably. I try to appreciate every sunrise, every sunset (may explain my insomnia – I hate that nagging feeling I am missing something); I crave so many things, especially sweets; appreciate every culinary delight, every sip of wine. So many instances of my life these days are laced with a sense of urgency and passion. Don’t get me wrong, there are still so many moments where I have to remind myself, “breathe, slow down, appreciate”. Embrace life, seize the moment, conquer our fears, appreciate the differences in people, cultures.

In the words of Robert Brault, “Life is short, God’s way of encouraging a bit of focus”.  

I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, all the food and sweets, I want to eat, all the wine I want to drink, and all the friends I want to see…♥


♥ Downtime…and being my own Valentine ♥

Wow – having a full Saturday to myself is a rare and beautiful thing….I made sure to keep up with light cleaning during the week; got the grocery shopping for the family done after work this past week; taking a day off from traveling into NYC, no doctors, nurse or kids this weekend…sound selfish?  Yes perhaps a tad…but I deserve it.  Yes.

Sometimes it’s best to forget how you feel, and remember what you deserve…I always knew looking back on the tears would make me laugh. But I never knew looking back on the laughs would make me cry…miss my ♥M♥

*sigh* So I find myself single this coming Valentine’s Day…and I am okay with this.  I am going to be my own valentine.  Today it starts – carving out some much needed “ME” time.    So sitting here in my pajamas still (yes its past noon), ordered comfort food, and listening to music, flipping through tv channels too.  I love music that speaks to me.  Its like the artist is in my head and expresses how I feel.  I am enjoying my one-day, super mini staycation…yay.

Being single doesn’t mean I am not celebrating Valentine’s Day – trust me, I find any occasion to enjoy chocolate – a definite must.  So I am celebrating life, health, friendship…with good food, great wine, lots of laughter.  I tend to put myself last sometimes, when I get lost in the details of caring for others but being selfish for the next 48 hours or so is going to be quite indulgent of me.

So I am investing in me.  Loving myself.  Pampering myself.  Challenging the idea that roses, heart-shaped chocolates, red, and romance are only for those with significant others.  Treating myself to little things that make me feel special – because you know what?  I am!

I have mentioned before this is the year of ME.  Challenging myself.  Creating new goals.  Finding new hobbies.  Tackling new projects.  Learning new skills.  Making new friends.  Going to new places.  Feeling so empowered by all the possibilities and opportunities before me and I am finally taking this life of mine by the reins a little.  Who knew learning and trying could be so invigorating?!

So since I am being lazy today and have nothing special to do or pressing, I hope I can go to bed early and catch up on some quality Z’s.   But knowing the insomniac that lives within me, I am sure sleep will elude me later.  I may have to write another post.  😉

So making this weekend of love and taking a moment or two to reflect on life’s big and little blessings.  Saying a prayer of thanks and laughing through my tears.  ♥


Another sleepless T night…

Glimpses into my life….today was a very surreal day for me…it started off with a potential stalker situation got sidetracked with budget issues at work and a migraine that wouldn’t go away but now its ending with a sense of wistfulness.  Recapturing parts of my life.  Making plans, looking forward to the newness of things…yes an interesting transformation for me.

So I have dubbed this year of 2012 –

This is the Year of T:  ME!  I am learning to love all things T!  I find myself gravitating towards things, places, people who start with the initial – guess what?!  T!!!! 

Some of my fav things:

Teuscher Chocolates

Terra Chips

Teas’ Tea

Twinings Tea (Tea in general:  Tetley and Tazo, too)

Tiramisu, Twizzlers, Taffy, Tootsie rolls…Yummy!

Timberland boots

Tignanello leather purses

Terrazza Ristorante

Tulips

Terrano Noir wine

Now all I need is to move to a town / city starting with the letter T here in NJ:

Toms River, Totowa, Teaneck, Tenafly, Trenton…and find a guy to love whose name is Tom, Tad, Ted, Tai, Tanner, Tim, Tony, Trent, Trevor…I would love a Thor! And live happily ever after…embracing my inner Goddess wearing Togas…sipping my Tattooed Love Goddess drinks all night…

A girl can dream….♥


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