Category Archives: unconditional love

Love Myself More

Summer is almost here … so is June – the month I usually start dating and make every effort to be more active and social.  I let January pass by without even a thought to dating.  Anyone who knows me or has been following my blog knows I tend to date in ‘J ‘ months … no singularly one reason … just with new year’s resolutions to be more open and more social and summer months with warmer weather, I try to get out and about.  Just this past November, I wrote how I was going to put myself first and start dating!  Ha!!  I just managed to hibernate longer and further isolate myself this past winter.

I have noticed something about myself this year – I have allowed myself to gain even more weight and dress shabbier.  My hair is usually a mess or under a hat, sweats have become my uniform, my legs haven’t been shaved nor moisturized in months … I haven’t had a pedicure in a year and I have even ‘borrowed’ clothes from my 80-year-old Mom.  Apologies on sharing too much … but this my is safe place, my venting, no judgment zone.

I didn’t just let myself go, I gave up – without much thought.  I found myself walking to Church the other day actually hoping that no one would look at me, talk to me or even notice me.  I prayed for absolutely no contact. Just this morning walking to the train station I caught a glimpse of myself in a car window – I looked sullen and frumpy.  For a second, I did a double take – wondering who that person was.  Talk about out of body experiences.

Then it was like a light bulb went off … I purposely let myself go.  Depression isn’t the only thing at play here … I have let myself go because I didn’t want the attention to only be let down again.  Subconsciously, I put on weight because I didn’t want to look good and be sexually attractive.  I have been using weight as protection.  *sigh*

I lost my dog in February … so less walking.  Still taking steroids … dexamethasone, prednisolone, methylprednisolone… oh my!  I love to eat … especially sweets.  I don’t go to the gym.  I am 51.  Yikes!  I get it.

What the heck have I been doing?  Letting life happen instead of taking it by the horns and l i v i n g …

Need to formulate a plan and start creating the life AND body I want … sure maybe not the body I had in my 20s nor 30s but some semblance of healthy … middle ground for my middle age!

I need to learn how to put myself first, stop hiding behind excuses, make an effort, stop being afraid of receiving attention – positive attention; get healthier and yes start dating … again!  No more weight as a cloak for invisibility.  Find and then do things that make me unequivocally happy.  I need to change from the inside out in order for any dieting and changes to my level of activity to have the most profound effect.   Here’s to commitment … to myself.  I promise to love myself more …  the only real relationship I want this summer and every month that starts with the letter ‘J’ is with myself.  But flirting can be fun.  We will see.  *giggles*

Putting it out there in the universe, holding myself accountable … with grace in my step and hope in my heart.

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Who suffers most is I …

I cause displeasure to the one

I most desire to gratify,

And from displeasure that I give,

The one who suffers most is I … 

Such beautifully stirring words written many years ago by Juana Inés de la Cruz –   acclaimed in her time as the “Phoenix of Mexico”, America’s tenth muse; a generation later she was forgotten.

Sor Juana Inés de la  Cruz was a 17th century nun, self-taught scholar and acclaimed writer of the Latin American colonial period and the Hispanic Baroque. She was also a staunch advocate for women’s rights.

 


My Chili Dog

I no longer know who I am if I am not a doggie mom.  I have nothing to rush home to anymore.  It’s very disconcerting.  I have had dogs in my life steadily for the past 22 years … now only in my heart, memories.  My heart hurts.

Always greeted with such sweet kisses, wagging tails.  Today I walked into the vet with my precious 12-year-old Boston on a leash and walked out with an empty leash and broken heart.  Tears don’t stop.

I had that split second of indecision – should I bring him home, keep him next to me for a few more days or say good bye and hold him as his little heart stopped.   I pray I did the right thing.  I let him go.  Tumors and fluid had filled his abdomen and his heart was not working well.  His breathing was labored, he wasn’t walking nor eating.  I can’t remember him that way.  I want to remember him as the loving, kind companion he was.  My Chili Dog = my heart.

My first dog was my companion, my adventure seeker.  We traveled, we dined out.  He went everywhere I went, even to work a few times.  When my Cairn Terrier became a big brother, he became the protector, sharing his bed and toys with his baby brother.  He would bark if anyone got too close.  It was endearing.  Losing him was hard.  I never felt pain like that.  But my Boston would comfort me, snuggle up to me and together we forged a new life built on trust, love and patience.

My Boston was not much for adventure, he was more the stay in bed and snuggle.  It worked – I was going through a series of health issues – cancer, broken bones – and healing at home with the best snuggler was my saving grace.  He became my hero – just when I thought I couldn’t take anymore treatments, bad news, I was always met with wet kisses.  He just knew how to chase the demons away.

Today I am all alone.  But I know my two fur babies are playing together with no pain.  One day soon, this will comfort me.  Today I grieve.

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