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Loving Myself Enough to Share …

It’s been a long time since I’ve actually written and rambled here on my blog and especially write about my dating woes.  One reason was because I have not been dating and all the J months passed me by as did the summer.  Now here it is November and I promised my friends I will start dating … and truly dating – not a first date here or there with no real effort or desire for a 2nd date with the same person.  I have learned a lot about myself – I have made half-hearted attempts at dating in the past, used my parents and my cancer as excuses.  It’s just been hard … letting go of what I thought defined me – grief, obligation, brokenness…

My wish is not to be fixed or even fix another broken soul.  My desire is to meet a person that was once broken and survived just like me so that they can fully understand my brokenness, my weariness, because they too have experienced such pain; they have had to battle demons and conquer despair.

So many people will never understand how much it hurts when you experience great loss.  So many fortunate people will never understand what it is to wake up with the scent of a person on your pillowcase knowing that it’s all a memory now.  We can paint the walls, we can rearrange the furniture, we can even move but that pain stays inside of us; that pain will forever have it’s place.  Some of us learn to live with it; some of us learn to hide it well.  Then there are some of us – lucky ones – who after many dark and lonely years learn that pain, beauty and love collide, coexist and we start to accept and transform that pain and allow it to bring out the beauty within us.  It’s taken me a very long time … but I know I have been lucky …

I have had great men in my life as well as great love and they have taught me how to love soneone as well as how to truly love myself in preparation for what I truly deserve.  I love myself enough and need to share myself in order for that to grow.

Many say you shouldn’t rely on another person to fill the empty spaces in your heart. They tell you, you are just as strong on your own. But the way I see it – some of those empty spaces are only shaped for another person to fill it.
Doesn’t matter how much I love myself, how confident I am. I can’t hold myself while I’m crying. I can’t roll over and hug myself to fall back to sleep. I can’t wash my own back. Life is about love and love is meant to be shared.

So I am ready … truly ready to rise in love, learn in love and accept love. FINALLY going to put myself first and start dating, going on 2nd and 3rd dates with someone worthy and not just go through the motions … with grace in my step, hope in my heart and a twinkle in my eye.

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No more fear of rejection…

I’ve learned a long time ago that life is too short.  I’ve buried lovers, best friends, family members, my father and my brother.  I would rather honestly express myself and tell someone I love them and risk rejection; if I love you I’m going to tell you while we both have breath even if it makes you uncomfortable.  I don’t expect to hear it back I just want you to know because when I’m gone I don’t want any doubt to be there.  I would rather give it my all and fail than wallow in regret and uncertainty.  I want to be passionate about life again.  So, who cares if others think I’m a little crazy – I rather be a tad impulsive, free spirited.

Have you ever just met someone and wanted to grab and kiss them as deeply as you’d like but didn’t because of fear of rejection? Well I hope you went for it.  I let an opportunity pass me by this week – and I swore afterwards, I wouldn’t miss it again.  I’d rather be rejected.  I have to live – we all need to live – before we die …  so while there’s still air in our lungs – go for it … with grace in our step, hope in our heart and a twinkle in our eye.


Stuck in a Toxic Pattern

I put up a good front and I selfishly thought having my Mom back home from Florida would be good for me so I could leave my Step Dad with her and actually go out and live my life … but less than 24 hours of her being home – she has managed to depress my Step Dad and I.  She is overbearingly selfish and she thinks that she is the physically sick one and we all need to cater to her at her whim.  But both my Step father and I are physically sicker than her – she is just mentally and emotionally sick, unstable.  She drains us of the little energy we have.  The entire mood has shifted in this house in the past 24 hours.  I can’t wait to leave and start working again.  My mother dearest is pure toxicity.

I feel bad for my Step father but I need a life.  I need to start doing things for myself.  I have neglected myself for so long sometimes I don’t know where to start.

I wish I could be like my older sisters who have estranged themselves from our Mother.  They only come around for a couple of hours on holidays.  They don’t care.  They don’t worry about her or me; and definitely don’t care about our Step Father.

I have been aware that I need to somehow end this toxic relationship and put myself first.  I need time to find what will make me happy and pursue that – but I feel so unworthy, full of self doubt and guilty – just not sure how to move forward.

I keep praying …


Pawprints on my Heart

I put off today for as long as I could … I had to pick up my Chili dog’s ashes from the vet.  I thought making the decision to put him down, to sleep was hard but today was much harder for me.  So final.  My house is so empty.  My heart so shattered.  My head so confused.

When I put my first dog, Scruffy to sleep, I already had Chili, my second dog – so I found comfort in him.  But the past few weeks have been so hard.  Some people keep asking me if I am going to get another dog – they mean well, but I know they don’t understand.   Sadly, many people have been somewhat dismissive, not understanding this immense grief I am feeling from losing my fur baby, my best friend.  I am grieving, I need time to process all.  Moving on isn’t always that easy.   I need to allow the pain to subside.  I am feeling guilty because I think my time with Chili, I was very selfish, leaning on him too much especially after I lost my first dog, went through a divorce, cancer, and car accident.  All through this, my Chili dog always greeted me with kisses.

Coming home to Chili each day was the highlight of many of my dark days.  He was Home to me.  Chili let me lean on him when I was sad and I always counted on him after a long day.  Being barren and then single, my dogs were my family, they were my children.  Their unconditional love and trust filled such a void in my heart and daily life.  I never felt alone with them.  Chili was very therapeutic for me, as well.

I am still so raw and heartbroken.  The change in my daily routine and the pure emptiness and silence in my has been too much to handle these days.  I purposely been staying away from my empty home.   But today I had to deal with something all too real.  I started to put away my Chili dog’s winter coats, his leashes, his dog food.  I made the decision to go pick up his ashes because I needed him home.  I needed a part of him physically here.   Now he is with his older brother and their ashes sit next to other on the mantel.  Saying good bye was so hard but this trying to live each and every day without them is harder.  My two dogs were my number one reason to go home, my favorite hellos and now have become my hardest goodbyes.

A friend sent me the following poem and it more than sadly resonates with me …

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Still Here …

“Still Here”

Musing through memories,
Losing my grip in the grey.
Numbing the senses,
I feel you slipping away.
Fighting to hold on,
Clinging to just one more day
Love turns to ashes,
With all that I wish I could say.

I’d die to be where you are.
I tried to be where you are.

[Chorus:]
Every night, I dream you’re still here.
The ghost by my side, so perfectly clear.
When I awake, you’ll disappear,
Back to the shadows
With all I hold dear.
With all I hold dear.
I dream you’re still here.
I dream you’re still here.

Hidden companion
Phantom be still in my heart
Make me a promise that
Time won’t erase us
That we were not lost from the start.

I’d die to be where you are
I tried to be where you are

[Chorus]

I dream you’re still here,
Ever slightly out of reach.
I dream you’re still here,
But it breaks so easily.
I try to protect you,
I can’t let you fade.

I feel you slipping.
I feel you slipping away.

[Chorus]

I dream you’re still here
(Every night I dream you’re still…)
(Every night I dream you’re still here)
I dream you’re still here
(Every night I dream you’re still…)
(Every night I dream you’re still here)
Ever slightly out of reach.

I dream you’re still here
(Every night I dream you’re still…)
(Every night I dream you’re still here)
But it breaks so easily.


Waiting On Something Beautiful

Been home sick, trying not to get too depressed, watching old movies… watched “Waiting To Exhale” and I absolutely love the scene where James (Wesley Snipes) sends Bernadine (Angela Bassett) a letter – melts me.

I miss the days where people actually write words down on paper.

Below is the except of that note from James in the movie:

I’ve been thinking about you a lot, Bernie.  Every day. All the time.  I’m embarrassed to even write that down…but it’s true.

Bernie, I fell in love in one night.  You know what’s even harder for me to understand…is that what I feel for you…has never undercut the love I have for my wife.  Now, how is that possible?
I still watch her every day.  So beautiful. So brave.  I just wanna give her
everything I’ve got in me.  Every moment.  She’s hanging on, fighting to be here for me…and when she sleeps, I cry…over how amazing she is…and how lucky I’ve been to have her in my life.  Can I say it?

 

You’re the only person in this world I ever knew I could tell this to…
and even if this never finds you…and we never speak again…you’ve changed my life.

You know what inspiration is?  It’s someone who lets you know life will go on…and something beautiful can be waiting somewhere.  Somewhere when you least expect it.

Yes, waiting to exhale…waiting on something beautiful…with grace in my step and hope in my heart…


Romantic Gestures … Chivalry is Not Dead!

Now that summer is winding down and my J months of dating are behind me, I can share my notes on what I have learned from my dating experiences the past couple of months.

I have learned that chivalry is not completely dead.  Thank goodness.  I believe I am finally meeting the right people.  I was raised by very traditional parents.  My Dad did everything for my Mom and his four daughters; and my brother was raised to protect us as well, even though he was younger than us – his sisters.

Being the youngest girl and sickly as a child, made my Dad and brother extra protective of me. They wouldn’t let me do much, nor carry anything.  I was exempt from most chores.  I guess that is why I became a voracious reader and enjoy writing.  But I digress.

One thing I grew up loving, was when my Dad and brother always walked closest to the curb, ensuring I was protected from any oncoming traffic, or splashes from cars hitting puddles.   I’ve known men who religiously obey this unwritten rule and those that don’t even know it exists.  Happily, lucky for me, lately, I have met men who are still old-fashioned, chivalrous and true gentlemen.

I have enjoyed the past few weeks.  I have had men open doors for me, carry my bags, hold the umbrella in the rain, take my hand to help me out of the car, give me their jacket as the sun went down, stand as I entered the room, promptly on time, and ensured I arrived home and upstairs safely.  It was refreshing.

I understand that we live in a society where women are fighting to be treated equally and are fiercely independent.  And many of the traditionally gentlemanly acts are lost to so many.  I have heard some women call men sexist for holding doors and even offering seats to them.  Not me.  Sadly, I think many young men are a product of today’s society and many may think they are damned if they do, damned if they don’t.  They don’t want to be considered weak nor whipped.

Yes, women are totally capable of opening their own door. We are also capable of opening a door for a guy. It’s the kind thing to do for others.   I have held the door open for many a people, regardless of their gender.  I have offered my seat to all sorts of people – pregnant women, elderly people, people with many bags, or small children.  When an opportunity arises to encourage, promote, and kindly accept chivalry, why not take it?  Let’s allow more kindness in our lives.  I will continue to allow the men in my life to be slightly old-fashioned, manly and chivalrous while I graciously respond to their actions.

I enjoy my femininity and prefer a masculine man.  I don’t think I am weak nor helpless.  I do like when men make me feel valuable and worthy of respect.  I truly believe that it’s the small things that count in any relationship. Displaying good manners will always earn extra points with me.  I encourage and appreciate male chivalry.  These little things are romantic and sweet gestures as well to me.

When a man walks around me, so he could position himself to be on the outside, closest to the street and curb, makes me smile.  I think it’s cute and somehow shows me he can be reliable.  And I just know that my Dad and brother are smiling down on me from Heaven when I find a man to make me feel as protected as they did.  I am truly thankful for the care and strength that the men in my life have shown me. I am blessed.

And if someone opens a door for me, offers me their seat, or any other chivalrous gesture – I will always smile and politely say, “thank you” … with a twinkle in my eye, grace in my step and hope in my heart.

 

 


Demons …

This song still speaks to me.  We all have some sort of demons inside us. We all fight them, some daily.  We don’t always succeed in defeating them, but we try just the same. Who isn’t waging some internal battle?!  Demons … ‘Unless you show me how’ …

When the days are cold
And the cards all fold
And the saints we see
Are all made of gold

When your dreams all fail
And the ones we hail
Are the worst of all
And the blood’s run stale

I wanna hide the truth
I wanna shelter you
But with the beast inside
There’s nowhere we can hide

No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

At the curtain’s call
It’s the last of all
When the lights fade out
All the sinners crawl

So they dug your grave
And the masquerade
Will come calling out
At the mess you made

Don’t wanna let you down
But I am hell bound
Though this is all for you
Don’t wanna hide the truth

No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

They say it’s what you make
I say it’s up to fate
It’s woven in my soul
I need to let you go

Your eyes, they shine so bright
I wanna save that light
I can’t escape this now
Unless you show me how

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide


Worlds Apart But Always In My Heart …

The heatwave has me more drained than usual.  The only thing lingering these days is this oppressive heat.  Watching movies on one of my favorite channels and heard this beautifully stirring song playing during one of the sweetest kisses on TV.

I love the voice, the words … lyrics resonate with me … hold me in your heart …

You’ve been lying awake all night
Your head’s been running around, it won’t stop
But it’s a wonderful light
I wish you could only see the things you’ve got
You’d see it’s all right

Hold me close
I’ll be there soon
Hold me in your heart
Hold me close, like I’m the sun to your moon
Though we were apart
Though we are worlds apart

So when you leave the sun for the snow
Crossing ocean tides
Know you will be safe there at home
Rest now, close your eyes

Hold me close, and I’ll be there soon
Hold me in your heart
Hold me close, like I’m the sun to your moon
Though we were apart
Though we are worlds apart

I want you to dream in fields of flowers
And know that you’re not alone
Soon come morning hours
The sweetest winds will blow

If you hold me close, I’ll be there soon
Hold me in your heart
Hold me close, like I’m the sun to your moon
Though we were apart
Though we are worlds apart
Though we are worlds apart


The sociopath will always accuse YOU of what they are guilty of themself

Time to get away from all manipulative, lying people who try to rob me of my energy, my compassion, and forgiving nature.

Dating a Sociopath

Did you feel like you were going crazy? You were losing your mind? This is all part of the sociopath’s crazy making behaviour.

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The sociopath will always accuse you of doing the very thing that they are guilty of themselves. They do this to deflect the attention from them.

Examples of this are

  • Accusing you of cheating
  • Accusing you of being dishonest or lying
  • Accusing you of talking about them
  • Accusing you of doing whatever it is that they are guilty of themselves

The sociopath has a bizarre ability to be able to make YOU feel guilty and feel like you have defend yourself… for things that he has done.

You see the sociopath, is actually fairly intelligent. He knows that whilst you are busy defending yourself, and proving your innocence, you will be confused, and will forget about the real issue, the truth that you are close to uncovering…

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