Category Archives: Truth

Glimpse of a Genuine Smile

I am so tired of plastering a fake smile on my face, crying in the inside, keeping my tears at bay.  I just need a few hours with someone who I think understands me, my life, who cares enough to ask me about my day.  I am so lost most of the time, so alone … especially when surrounded by people.

But last night, I had the pleasure of reconnecting with some childhood, neighborhood friends and I found myself smiling, a genuine, sincere smile that starts at my heart and ends on my face.

Social media can be a good thing if used wisely.  I reconnected with a beautiful brother and sister who will forever be my step bother and sister.  Their Mom and my Dad dated while both were were separated.  Fast forward 30 years …we met for dinner, laughter, reminisced, laughed some more.  I went home with a genuine smile.  It felt so nice.  Even if fleeting.  I get lucky and appreciate those rare moments when I feel connected, loved, cared for and my smile makes an appearance.

I have always suffered from smiling depression.  Just put on a smile, brace myself, and get through the day.  It wears me out though.  Its exhausting.  Constantly hiding my sadness, my palpable misery behind a happy mask just keeps me at arms length from most people.  I get near but never fully close enough to someone. Always find myself on the periphery of their lives and even of my own.

The pain of getting close, of losing someone again, of struggling to get out of bed, the anxiety of learning how to breathe each minute of each day is too overwhelming most days.  So I smile, lean in, and pretend just about every day.

I go to work, to the doctors, out to dinner … I take tons of photos …of my food, desserts … I dress up, put make up on, get my hair, nails done, take selfies.  I am sure 90% of the time to the outside world, no one can see my struggle. How can they when I paint such a pretty picture?!  I hold down a part-time job, run a family, stay active but that frayed tethering line of rope just barely visible to me at times – somehow keeps me going – all the while I suffer for the most part in silence with panic attacks, insomnia, crushing low self-esteem and even suicidal thoughts.  I do share my story more these days, not like 10 years ago when I was too depressed to get out of bed, too weak to allow anyone in, before social media, before my blog.  Now I vent, share, open myself up more.  I work hard each and every day on trying to put myself out there.  Even if depletes me by the end of the day.

I have learned to keep negative, self serving people at arm’s length and I find myself being more appreciative of the smaller, less tangible things.  Gratitude really changed my life.

Sincerity, honesty, acceptance, sharing all have changed my life … so with tears in my eyes, smile on my face, hope in my heart, grace in my step … I move forward.  Looking forward to reconnecting, finding my genuine smile.

 

 

Advertisements

Reminder

Came across some of Rachel C.Lewis’ writing and had to share … resonates …

Tell The People You Love That You Love Them

“I love being horribly straightforward. I love sending reckless text messages (because how reckless can a form of digitized communication be?) and telling people I love them and telling people they are absolutely magical humans and I cannot believe they really exist. I love saying, “Kiss me harder,” and “You’re a good person,” and, “You brighten my day.” I live my life as straight-forward as possible.

Because one day, I might get hit by a bus.

I could be walking down the street one day, blasting Rihanna or Fleetwood Mac, jamming so hard that I don’t see the bus coming. I could be walking with a book in my hand, reading until the very end. I could be paying total and complete attention, imagine the impact before it arrives.

And I’d really, really rather not die with some confusing statement I said sitting in the phone or the thoughts or the memory of someone I know, care about, need.

I know how it is — we all want to be mysterious. None of us want to get hurt. None of us want to look desperate. So we wait to respond to texts, phone calls, emails, Facebook messages, Tweets. So we communicate our emotions in how we end our messages (no period this time? Really gonna get them.). So we say vague, half-statements and expect people to read our minds.

But what if we died?

Maybe it’s weird. Maybe it’s scary. Maybe it seems downright impossible to just be—to just let people know you want them, need them, feel like, in this very moment, you will die if you do not see them, hold them, touch them in some way whether its your feet on their thighs on the couch or your tongue in their mouth or your heart in their hands.

But there is nothing more beautiful than being desperate.

And there is nothing more risky than pretending not to care.

We are young and we are human and we are beautiful and we are not as in control as we think we are. We never know who needs us back. We never know the magic that can arise between ourselves and other humans.

We never know when the bus is coming.”

― Rachel C. Lewis


Break

Need a break from myself. I am my own worst enemy. I am too sensitive. I feel to much. I try too hard. I am exhausted. I know all too well, if someone keeps hurting you time and time again, they will never change as long as you keep letting them – I need to change myself, and stop allowing them to hurt … but sounds so simple in theory. I am tired from being just a passing time person for many people. I know all the lines, motto, etc. If people don’t make an effort to be in your life, don’t try so hard to be in theirs, it’s not worth it. Don’t make someone a priority who makes you an option.

Many say don’t be too nice, you will be taken for granted. But why should I change?! I just have to get wiser, stronger – not stop being too nice. But there are times when you have to show people that you cannot be taken for granted. You cannot be considered weak and your opinions must be considered. This is what I need to work on.

I have just been so emotionally drained – let down by people, in general. Family, so-called friends, dating – all have left me feeling unsure about myself. I feel like I am the one always trying – trying to make time, ask them out, follow-up, texting to check in – but I am not getting much in return. I think many feel that I am strong and a loner, and just don’t need them somehow – I need to believe this somehow – otherwise, I must accept that people suck and are just mean, selfish people. I can’t live my life this way.

I am sure all have watched the movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You” – well it rings true and the book is even more full of wise advice. SO many quotes, so much sage advice – I have heard all before – just have to truly find a way to listen, learn, let go and live by it.

“If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do. If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn’t respect your feelings and needs. “Busy” is another word for “asshole.” “Asshole” is another word for the guy you’re dating. You deserve a fucking phone call.”
― Greg Behrendt

“You picked a lemon, throw it away lemonade is overrated. Freaks should remain at the circus, not in your apartment. You already have one asshole. You don’t need another. Make a space in your life for the glorious things you deserve. Have faith.”
― Greg Behrendt, He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys

“When someone tells you they are too ‘busy’… It’s not a reflection of their schedule; it’s a reflection of YOUR spot on their schedule.”
― Steve Maraboli


We are all important….

…to someone….

Always remember you are unique and you are important. There is no one else in the world quite like you. You are special. There never has been and there never will be anyone like you again.

Don’t let people take away your respect for yourself. No matter what they say or do remember that you are very important and a worthwhile person, and always retain respect for yourself. They cannot take away your self respect and dignity, for you control what you think of yourself and no one else.

You have your own special qualities and talents, and though you may not have the talents and gifts that someone else has, you have your own talents and gifts that others do not have. No one else can be you. Only you can be you. Try to be the best you possible.

Remember also that you are important to other people. You cannot help but touch the lives of other people as you go through life. There are many people who need your love and support, and who look up to you, and want to emulate you. People you may not even be aware of need you, and watch your life, and if you give up and fail yourself, you are failing them and letting them down too.

And you are important in the eyes of God.

I believe God spared me since His plan for me is not completed.  I am still trying to figure out my role.   I know I was born to be somebody.  I know I am meant to be important to someone.  

Today has been yet another life affirming day…and a day where I must accept the truth about certain people in my life.  Some people grow, change, adapt…others just lie, and continually let you down and themselves.  

“Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad. Let God deal with the things they do, cause hate in your heart will consume you too.”

“Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away”  – Will Smith

I am just going to be me…be responsible and true to myself.  ♥

 

 

 


Re-learning how to date….

Hmmmm…Re-learning how to date…or should I say un-learning how to date! When it comes to finding love, there are certain truths that seem so irrefutable that any single person would be a fool to not follow them. Maybe you’re a firm believer that you can tell within seconds if you’re attracted to someone. Or, maybe you think that a first kiss says it all: If you feel fireworks, your date’s a keeper; if it bombs, cut your losses. But I am learning – finally – that these beliefs shouldn’t weigh in too much when dating. We shouldn’t follow so many “rules”.

I used to believe I could tell if I am truly attracted to someone in three seconds. Ha!! Now I am accepting, understanding that I can’t tell if you’re truly attracted to someone until I have had at least two to three dates

“Love at first sight” is a familiar romantic notion. And in our increasingly fast-paced world, it’s darn convenient to think you can tell if you click with someone that quickly. But I am learning that I need real time to cultivate a bit more patience, sticking to a three-date minimum to know for sure whether we are a match (or not). The reason: People are a bundle of nerves on date #1, begin to unwind on date #2, but only by date #3 can people truly relax and maybe build some rapport. And while sparks early on are nice and all, they say nothing about someone’s long-term potential. Trying to learn if we are compatible, if our values match takes time, discussion, observation, and real honest interaction, not an initial impression based on superficial cues. So, I am trying hard now not to write someone off — or fall head over heels — until I have done some due diligence.

I have also thrown out “must have list”. As much as this may look great on paper, it won’t keep me warm at night. You can check off the attributes you want — appearance, background, education, career, salary — but unless you’re building your lover in a lab, you’re missing out. Yup! I know I have! Of course, I am keeping some standards and not settling for a two-pack-a-day smoker who doesn’t like dogs. But settling for nothing less than perfection is unrealistic. I am trying to expand my social circle and move forward, not be so inflexible, limiting and not allowing chemistry to build. Really trying to be open minded, especially when it comes to physical or material attributes like someone’s height, salary, or hair color.

I tend to believe that a first kiss should be this toe-curling experience. Quickly learning that the first kiss is basically inconsequential. In fairy tales, an amazing first kiss leads to a happily ever after—no wonder I have placed such importance on that primary pucker! But there are ample reasons why a first kiss from a potentially great partner can go awry (nervousness or a less-than-ideal setting) and just as many to explain why a first kiss from Mr. Wrong can feel so right (you’ve exceeded the two-drink minimum, perhaps). So as romantic and erotic a kiss can be with someone we find physically attractive, a relationship will still crumble without more shared values. So now, I am not going to write someone off following a less-than-mind-blowing kiss. I will try smiling; lean in slowly for kiss number two, either at that moment or on a subsequent date. A kiss is not just a kiss…ever…♥


Undeniable Adult Truths

Undeniable Adult Truths – Joe Kelly (Had to share…)

1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection, again.

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1 .7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ladies…..Quit Keep Laughing.


What hurts you today, makes you stronger tomorrow…

Rough week!  So over the moon its Friday…but the weekend is already mocking me with silence.  Took my Chili dog to the vet, learned he had arthritis and a spinal injury deterioration – he is limping around a little better with his new meds.  Poor little guy – he has already endured two knee surgeries.  I had to go to the Orthopedic today to learn my results from my MRI – sure enough I need surgery on my right hand – they found a tear in my ligament, a cyst, and central perforation…enough said.  Was praying against hope that surgery would not be needed.  But learning that somehow this is my life…

I find myself repeatedly asking God how much am I to take and when will it be my year but I somehow find the strength He provides for me to keep moving forward…smiling through my tears.   I was hoping to find someone special by now so I can find comfort and support in another but I guess it’s just not my time.  I know my Mr. Perfect for me is out there.  And I know that God has a plan as to why my life, physically and emotionally needs to go through this pain now with broken bones that don’t heal.

I am learning that letting go has nothing to do with weakness, and everything to do with strength.  We let go and walk away not because we want others to realize our worth, but because we finally realize our own worth.

Sometimes you just need to do your best and surrender the rest. – Don’t be too hard on yourself.  There are plenty of people willing to do that for you.  Tell yourself, “I am doing the best I can with what I have in this moment.  And that is all I can expect of anyone, including me.”  Love yourself and be proud of everything that you do, even your mistakes.  Because even mistakes mean you’re trying.

You are in control of one person, and one person only: yourself. – There is only one way to be happy, only one route to happiness, and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of your control.  Letting go in your relationships doesn’t always mean that you don’t care about people anymore; it’s simply realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.

What’s right for you may be wrong for others, and vice versa.– Think for yourself, and allow others the privilege of doing so too.  We all dance to the beat of a different drum.  There are few absolute ‘rights’ and ‘wrongs’ in the world.  You need to live your life your way – the way that’s right for you.

Some people will refuse to accept you for who you are.   And I am learning not to care as much.   Always choose to be true to yourself, even at the risk of incurring ridicule from others, rather than being fake and incurring the pain and confusion of trying to be someone you’re not.  When you are comfortable in your skin, not everyone in this world will like you, and that’s okay.  Yup…it really is.

Relationships can only exist on a steady foundation of truth.  When there is a breakdown in a relationship, you must have the hard conversation.  It may not be pretty and it may not feel good.  But if you are willing to listen and tell the truth, it will open up.  When you learn how to build relationships based on truth and authenticity, rather than masks, false perfection, and being phony, your relationships will heal, connect, and thrive.

Sometimes walking away is the only way to win.  Never waste your time trying to explain yourself to people who have proven that they are committed to misunderstanding you.  In other words, don’t define your intelligence by the number of arguments you have won, but by the number of times you have said, “This unnecessary nonsense is not worth my time.”

Sitting in silence I will learn to hide my pain…

Focusing on what I have left, not only on what I have lost.

It truly should never be all about what you have lost, but about what you have learned.

Still looking forward on putting my loss behind me….looking forward to my newest finds….

I have said this before…

Every day I am crumbling more apart and yet falling more together all at the same time.

We all need to remember one simple thing: it’s OK to be lost. It’s OK to let go of needing all the answers. It’s not going to kill you— in fact, it just might bring you to life.

I’ve lived, I’ve loved, I’ve lost, I’ve missed, I’ve hurt, I’ve trusted, I’ve made mistakes, but most of all, I’ve learned.   Very happy that I am in one piece…mind, heart, body and spirit…. All good to go….♥


Life, Love…no room for lies…

Someone once asked me how I hold my head up so high after all that I have been through….its because I am a survivor, not a victim.

Life is filled with so many emotions…happiness, sadness, love, hate, tears, laughter, and many more.   When life challenges you, hold your head up high and have faith that all in life will work out and God will always be by your side.

Never forget that there are three types of people who can make a difference in your life:

  1. Those who helped you through difficult times.
  2. Those who left you during those difficult times.
  3. Those who put you through those difficult times.

Learning to balance all in my life…

Learning how to give, but not allow myself to be used.

Learning how to truly love, but not allow my heart to be abused.

Learning how to trust, but don’t be so naive.

Learning how to fully listen to others, but not lose my own voice.

Still holding onto the hope that some day everything will all make perfect sense.  For now, I continue to laugh at the confusion, smile though the tears, and keep reminding myself that everything really does happen for a reason!

Living life to the fullest teaches us to make good use of time.  Being conscious of time can really teach us the value of life.

One lie is all it takes for someone to lose their faith in you.  The best thing you can do is always be upfront, always be real and always tell the truth.

To be honest, I am always a little disappointed when a real liar’s pants don’t actually catch on fire.  Love this commercial…finding laughter in all is key!

Pants on Fire – Progressive Commercial

There are four very important words in life that everyone should learn, embrace and live by:  Love, honesty, truth and respect!  Without these in your life, we truly have nothing.  ♥


Ah…wise words read, heard, shared today…

The worst thing about being lied to is simply knowing you weren’t worth the truth…

It’s not hard to find someone who tells you they love you, it’s hard to find someone who actually means it…

That feeling you get when he kisses your neck…

When you choose to forgive those who have hurt you, you take away their power…

If someone wants you, nothing will keep them away, but if they don’t want you, nothing will make them stay!

Love waits for one thing; The right moment…

A wise man said to me today:  “Give me a kiss to build a dream on”…

Give me a kiss to build a dream on
And my imagination will thrive upon that kiss
Sweetheart, I ask no more than this
A kiss to build a dream on

Give me a kiss before you leave me
And my imagination will feed my hungry heart
Leave me one thing before we part
A kiss to build a dream on

And when I’m alone with my fancies, I’ll be with you
Weaving romances, making believe they’re true

Oh, give me your lips for just a moment
And my imagination will make that moment live
Give me what you alone can give
A kiss to build a dream on

When I’m alone with my fancies, I’ll be with you
Weaving romances, making believe they’re true

Oh, give me lips for just a moment
And my imagination will make that moment live
Oh, give me what you alone can give
A kiss to build a dream on…


On My Journey….

On my journey…

I remember my journey

The endless journey

My heart made

Towards hope

Toward love

Time stands still

My courage frozen

Not knowing if I should take a step forward

Or to remain still, very still

Waiting for strength to push me ahead

Silence

Truth beckons

Every step taken is a new beginning

Every new sight, a dream realized

On my journey

Forever hopeful…♥


%d bloggers like this: