Category Archives: Tired

“Receiving with love” …♥

I am so tired these days…almost feeling like I did many years ago battling leukemia and depression. Sick and tired….But these days I find myself tired and easily getting agitated, as well. I am getting old and cranky, I guess. Now on top of all that saddens me, I must find a way to deal with anger?? This shorter fuse I have these days is easily triggered by things that irritate me, so many pet peeves —from simple things like people who walk their dogs while talking on the phone to big stuff such as political/religious issues. Lately, these work day mornings, I find myself muttering under my breath, when tourists stand on both sides of the escalators in the City. Doesn’t everyone know by now that you stand to the right and walk on the left??

Tonight I watched a silly, funny movie, “Our Idiot Brother”. There is a hilarious scene in the film that resonates with me regarding rage. There is a phrase what will now become my mantra, a reminder that not everything is worth getting my panties in a bunch.

In this one funny scene, the brother’s sisters go the home of his former hippie girlfriend to retrieve his dog. His sisters are angry as is the girlfriend:

Girlfriend Janet: I am not going to stand here and be insulted on my own porch.
Sister Miranda: I’ll insult you right here [off the porch].
Janet: OK, I’m a pacifist. I don’t play that way.
Miranda: I’m gonna peace you in the side of the f*^%in’ head you don’t give us the dog.
Janet: I’m not going to receive that with anything but love. ( ♥ this)

While the sisters are right about getting the dog back, and the Janet is rather annoying in her hippie-ness, what sticks with me is the “receiving with love” part.

I’ve been practicing it all day, and just plain giggling out loud. When something starts getting to me, like not understanding how and why my upstairs neighbors can be so loud in their mere existence, I say to myself, “I am going take in their slamming of drawers with love, just love.” And it calms me. lol

Doing this seems to force a break between the event and the jump to irritation/anger, and gives my brain time to decide whether a reaction is worth it. I find most of the time it’s not. If it is worth it, I have given myself time and space to appropriately formulate a reaction that will benefit me and the situation in the end.

It seems to be helping, and I am spending more time chuckling than I am fuming. All is good….with love…♥


Living and working…

Ah Mondays always take on different meanings for me.   Today it’s all about will I be able to work during my chemo treatments.  This is where I find strength I didn’t know I had and have to keep adopting my inner Divatude!

I am realizing from chatting to others, many people can work during their chemotherapy treatment.  It depends on the person.  Right now I am having very few noticeable side effects.   Besides being late every once in a while to go in for treatments and being tired, I can work through it.  Other people really need to take a break from the stress of their work life. And I think, in part, the decision is personal one, in addition to a medical one. It is rare for the chemotherapy itself to produce side effects that would make it impossible to keep working.  Sometimes it does — some people have their own reaction, and if so then that needs to be managed — but it isn’t a common thing, and most people can keep working if they want to.  So here I am getting ready to go into work.  

So far, I feel very fortunate to be able to continue working, since it really helps to keep my mind off of my illness and dwelling about my condition.  I still have to tell my boss about my illness but that comes after next week when we can talk face-to-face in Dallas.  But I will keep it a secret from others.  I learned how to actually put some makeup on to hide the dark circles and redness, and will use my clothing to hide the weight changes I am going through.  Right now, the worst looking thing are my nails – they are a mess; breaking off.  They hurt.  I wish I could just wear gloves 24/7 to hide them.  *sigh*

I need to keep reminding myself that all these changes are temporary.   Temporary!

I know all of this sounds shallow but keeping my appearance up is good for my morale.  I would love to hear compliments.  And get some positive attention.  I usually shrink away from that – but am realizing that it will do me some good this time.  It is easy to dwell on how horrible I feel or look when my skin and hair texture is changing, feeling nauseous, and so tired.  So trying to look normal, even having fun with my look really helps.   I am hoping that it also helps people around me who know what I am going through.   If they see me coping and doing ok, maybe they won’t pity me or feel uncomfortable around me.  They will be less afraid of the illness and treatment.   Here’s to hoping…


T’s Pushing people away…again…

Trying really hard not to.  Every time I get sick, start feeling overwhelmed, feeling sorry for myself, I push people away.  I just can’t deal.  Some people make it easy.  My true friends give me the space I need but they won’t allow me to fully disappear.  Thank goodness.  I wish I could take back some things the past two weeks.  But I guess we really don’t get do-overs, do we?!

Yes, a part of me understands why things had to happen this way. I understand the reasons for causing me this pain and anxiety . But mere understanding does not chase away the hurt nor pain.  There are times when life suddenly casts a shadow before us: we suffer for sins we did not even commit, we go through situations we certainly do not deserve to be in. In such times, we have so many questions throbbing at the back of our minds, but the biggest of them all is “WHY?”  “Why ME!?!  Again…”

Pain = Pushed people away = Higher anxiety ~ Cycle?!

I have sadly learned that an answer is not really forthcoming.  I know I will not hear answers to these questions; the pain remains, life stands still, and I can’t do anything but wait ‘til everything’s over, until I can move on again like I used to, when my body didn’t fail me and my heart wasn’t shattered yet into the thousand lonely pieces they broke into.  Here is my most important question, and that is “HOW?”

How do I deal with my feelings of brokenness? How to continue moving forward? Where is my smile again?  Like many people, I’ve been through dark and painful moments in my life as well, moments I wanted to skip, moments when what I really wanted the most is to have my own time machine so I can either go back where I was happy, or fast forward anywhere in the future where I can find myself again. But no machine like that has ever been invented yet, and the only way to move from the terrible place where I stand is to continue going through the dark tunnel ahead that will lead me towards the new beginning I’m looking forward to.   *sigh*  I know once I do what the doctors suggest, I will be back on my journey.  But am I really ready?!

Sending an apology to my friends…out into the universe… I don’t mean to push you away.

I don’t have a fear of intimacy.  I don’t fear someone seeing the real me (well maybe this minute since my eyes hurt from crying).  I don’t fear someone might leave me.  I don’t fear that I might get hurt.  I recently met someone who I feel sabotaged their relationships, by allowing fear push people away.  I felt like it was the good old, “I’m gonna get you before you get me” syndrome, where someone behaves poorly to drive the other person away or just flat out breaks-up for no real good reason.  I have also seen people who sabotage themselves by consistently looking for things to fight about, to be jealous about or to be critical of.

But that’s not me – today I am admitting that I am pushing some people away because I have this inane belief that they can’t handle my life.  My uncertainty.  My getting sick.  My honesty.

So I am trying so hard to find and hold onto…accept, challenge, patience, love, strength, don’t dwell, learn, pray, laugh, cry, believe…keep breathing…hoping…

I don’t plan too far ahead…too much expectation, too much disappointment, too much illusion.  I tend to live from day to day.  Mostly it’s from moment to moment…gets me to the next step.  Pain is pain and suffering is suffering. There is no magic pill or any kind of painkiller that we can take to prevent us from feeling our hurts. We have to bear it head on and cling to the thought that things will definitely change for the better.  “I have deep sorrow today, and an unclear vision of the future. But nobody ever died of loneliness – only of hopelessness! As long as I have hope, no problem is ever too difficult, no night ever so dark that it can prevent the rising of another day!”

Can joy still exist even in my sorrows?!

Yes – although right this second, as I write this I am not fully embracing this but I do believe that joy and sorrow can definitely exist at the same time.  Someone deep down, I know I am going to get through this current hurdle.   Somewhere in my heart, there is a chamber of joy that has remained intact, untouched, forever guiding me in me most troublesome days and paths.  Faith, hope, loving myself…protects me and my happiness.

I didn’t realize the power of a secret I’ve been keeping. I didn’t notice the constant weight hanging on my shoulders. I didn’t realize the enormity of it all until I let it out today and now again via this post and I feel like I am slowly learning how to breathe again.

It’s nice to put trust into someone who speaks in “when’s” and not “if’s.” It’s nice to know that, despite how heavy and deep and painful a secret may be, there’s at least one person who’s willing to accept what you’ve told them and be honest when they tell you, “it’s not okay…but you’re going to be.”  Thank you – you know who you are….my rock, my sanity.  And ♥mm♥ is there too – even with September 11 fast approaching and my sadness hitting an all time high.  Talk about timing!

I have allowed some wrong people in my life this year, as well as learning to cherish the right people.  Still learning.  I think I will continue to look at most things as though they are my first time, as though it will be my last.  I will continue to pray, smile, and love!


Ramblings…

Trying to take one day at a time; savor the moments. Let things blossom – right, isn’t that what he says?! But for me, timing is everything. I value time. I don’t want to waste my time nor anyone else’s. Life should always be appreciated because it can change or be taken away in an instant. I know this all too well. What does it take to hope? Everything. Hope is about never ceasing to be amazed, wearing your heart and soul on your sleeve, holding your breath, waiting to hear magical words, believing that tomorrow could be better than today, that you’ll get a second chance, that you’ll make a difference, that you’ll finally be able to stand for something in your life. Have you ever thought that if one thing hadn’t happened, a whole set of other things never would have either? Like dominoes, a single event kicked off an unstoppable series of changes that gained momentum and spun out of control, and nothing was ever the same again. Don’t ever doubt that a mere second can change your life forever. Count your blessings. Go for it now. The future is promised to no one. I am not trying to rush things. It’s not about forcing happiness. It’s about not letting sadness win.

Sometimes…You don’t choose who you fall for. You just fall and you get this person who is all wrong, but yet so right. You know that you like them so much, except sometimes they drive you insane and no one can explain. Maybe I need more time…to accept who he is and who he will never be.

Sometimes…I have a long list of things to say but I will look over at him, I leave it alone and just want to say, “You amaze me”.

I promised myself that I would never learn to regret that I met him, for liking him and for falling for him. But because it is hurting me, I tend to forget that promises were meant to be broken and indeed it was. I’d rather love someone I can’t have than have someone I can’t love. It’s no wonder my marriage failed.

Sometimes…His lips tell me that he’s afraid of what people will say, what others think of him, but his eyes tell me that he’s fearless. And I get lost in them.

Sometimes…when I hear him speak, all I can hear are all his insecurities wound up. Do people really believe they are not special? I think the reason some people think they are not special, and maybe even think they are nothing, is because no one has ever fought for them. I have been fortunate to have people who care enough to fight for me, to walk me off the edge, to make me feel like I am the only one in the room. I believe that if I was really, truly, worth it, that someone would’ve fought for me to stay, but instead, I end up walking away.

It’s the worst feeling in the world to love and hate someone all at the same time. And it’s hard to watch things change when all you want is for them to stay the same. It’s funny but stupid how you want everything and nothing at the same time. It’s crazy when you want to let go, but you keep holding on. And when you want to move on, but you’re stuck right where you started. When feelings come and go and you can’t decide what you want. When you have so many things to say but you don’t know where to start. When you want them in your life so bad, but all you can do is push them farther and farther away because you can see into the future.

Sometimes, I wish I weren’t so smart.

Sometimes, I wish I weren’t so perceptive.

Sometimes, I wish I weren’t so honest.

Sometimes, I wish I weren’t so complicated.

I have never been strong enough to stay. People say that walking away is the hardest thing to do, but it isn’t. Staying, even when you know it will break your heart, is the hardest thing.

Staying right where you are, waiting for your entire world to be ripped into pieces is much harder than walking away and starting a new one.

Sometimes… there’s nothing to say.

Sometimes… silence expresses more than words. Picking up the phone, dialing a number…it can do more damage than good but humans are afflicted with this obsessive desire, to talk things to death. So we make things worse, just by trying to make it better. Some feelings don’t go away, they just get avoided.

Sometimes…living today like it may be your last…can be avoidance or an excuse…

The sun does not use the excuse of clouds to stop shining its light, for it knows that clouds will always come and go.

I am a realist, still a hopeful, dreamer…contradiction…nah!  Complex yes!

Over tired and confused …why do so many conclude that people are too complicated?!  We’d like to have an instruction manual to know what to do, but, of course, it doesn’t exist.

Most people see what their eyes allow them to perceive.  What is bigger than their vision “doesn’t exist” and, what is constituted by more elements than what they can manage is “complicated”.  Before we can even begin to understand and accept a complicated person we have two choices: widening our comprehension of reality or keeping things simple.  Simple to me usually equals boring.

I don’t do well with boring.  When one is getting aware that things are bigger and more profound than what one thought one gets to think in terms of how people are complicated.

What happens is that one is awakening to human complexity. Welcome to reality.

*sigh* Ramblings of a sleep deprived rubik’s cube….yup…that is how I am feeling!


Conversations in my head, heart… trying to be patient…need sleep!

Conversations in my head, heart… I have this knack of making the simple complicated, analyzing things right out of existence, ending them before they begin. I don’t know how to sit back and watch life unfold. I want to give this, whatever it is a chance, kick back a little, and not hold each other up to relentless scrutiny and arbitrary tests. We might actually find some happiness. I get the impression you live life under the bar. You have passion I have felt it sparingly. Let it come out of you. Be more carefree…every day is precious. You live in anxiety, anticipating but never quite reaching out. It’s like you move to a tune in your head, yet you remain motionless in so many ways. I am hoping that I have the time and patience to draw you out…Out of your comfort zone…

Ordinarily my genius equals insanity to many…but in my very lucid moments, always sleep deprived, I am merely stupid in my hasty actions…like thinking that I wanted to let you go before it really even got started. But I won’t. Don’t let me…

You have a way about you – not quite tangible. There’s something that you do to me; something no one sees…It’s the way you make me feel inside. The way you allow me speak so freely, whenever we sit and talk, the way you don’t even move when I caress your face; the way you make me feel so comfortable – opens up a part of me. Ironic how something so scary, so new, can feel so right, so quickly. I hope we can be a breath of fresh air in each other’s cluttered life. Somehow smooth out the edges of our souls. So I will continue to lay here and recall the exact moment your lips touched mine, I could remember repeating in my head, “Do it again and again and again..”. So soft and gentle…until….


Maybe to know me is not to love me…

We all want to fall in love. Why?

Because that experience makes us feel completely alive,
where every sense is heightened,
and every emotion is magnified.
Our everyday reality is shattered
and we are flying into the heavens.
It may only last a moment, an hour, or an afternoon,
but that doesn’t diminish its value,
because we are left with memories
that we treasure for the rest of our lives.

From the movie The Mirror Has Two Faces 

I think I am going to be single a lot longer than I thought at first. But this is my year – my time to be selfish, to finally put myself first. And not everyone will like this nor understand this. And that is just fine by me. Those who I choose to be in my life will understand and accept me. I am no longer going to change or go out of my way to accommodate others. I don’t feel like answering to anyone; I have no more patience or tolerance for people who don’t pay attention and I find myself having to repeat things to. I don’t need to be rescued.  I just need to re-discover and embrace me.

Relationships are harder now because conversations became texting, arguments became phone calls, and feelings became subliminal messages online. Sex became easy, the word love gets used out of context, insecurities have become your way of thinking. Getting jealous became a habit, trust has been lost, cheating became an accident, leaving became the only option and being hurt became natural.

Tired…


Something clever, wise, pithy and at times melancholy…Oh my!

I am feeling pithy and melancholy…Uh oh – probably not the best combination! But it’s yet another rainy, gloomy day and I am still beyond exhausted, feeling slightly less stupid. I am only responsible for what I say not for what others understand. Life is all about trusting our feelings, taking chances, losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories and forgetting the past.

Best advice in two lines:

  1. Silence is the best answer for all questions.
  2. Smiling is the best reaction in all situations.

And…If you find yourself trapped between your own feelings and what others think is right, always go for whatever makes you happy unless you want everybody to be happy except you.  Trust me – I learned this a little too late in life.

There’s always a little truth behind every ‘just kidding’…

A little curiosity behind every ‘just wondering’

A little emotion behind every ‘I don’t care’

A little knowledge behind every ‘I don’t know’

A little love behind every ‘I hate you’

A little I need you behind every ‘leave me alone’

And a little pain behind every ‘its ok’…

With Memorial weekend fast approaching and summer right around the corner – I am working hard on not gaining weight, just knowledge….♥

Never forget the three powerful resources you always have available to you;  love, prayer and forgiveness.

Received a new Blackberry Bold 4G at work and wow its takes great clear pictures….Let’s all treat life as a class in photography…

Capture every moment,

Enjoy each shot

Don’t miss a frame,

Identify what went wrong and get better with the next shot,

Develop the negative into something beautiful

Life offers a lot of things and challenges…enjoy it!

Remember finding peace is not about being in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work; it means to be in the midst of these things and still remaining calm in our hearts…♥


T needs to toughen up!

Ever feel like a failure at work, at life in general?   *sigh*  This second, this past week and weekend, already spilling into this new week – sadly this is how I feel.  I had to work late each day last week all through the weekend, and I was not able to be as successfully productive and effective as I would have liked.

I am in the midst of yet an equally busy week. But I am so exhausted.  Being sickly, trying to work a full-time job is so much harder than I ever imagined.  But I am hopeful…I will keep trying to rise in life and at work even when I feel like a failure.

In the fall of 2001, when life knocked me down to my knees and I lost everything – I was so lost, I felt like a complete failure. What I learned was that by making a decision to rise above any and all circumstances, backed with the strongest inner vision of true heartfelt purpose, one day at a time, one moment at a time, I continue to be able to transform my entire life.

Overcoming adversity is something I no longer feel like a complete failure at – I just have to somehow apply this to my everyday life.  I am still learning that….no experience is a failure.  I am not a failure simply because I have yet to achieve all that I desire.  Experience is definitely a good teacher – as long  as I am open to change.  I believe that the fateful twists of life amid our tragedies are what bring us our greatest strength and wisdom.  Trying not to judge myself as a failure simply because I have not yet succeeded at so many things.  I believe my time has come…I am deserving to have all of my desires and joys manifested.   With resolve, understanding, faith and decisiveness, I am slowly creating the life I want and desire.  I just need to STOP buying into the false belief that I am “less than” any other person.  Working on not comparing myself to no one; but to gain inspiration from the few who have shared their pain and have overcome their own darkest hours.  I am learning that the only difference between them and me is a stable support system, and an inner resolve, a decision backed with sheer will, vision, determination, and consistency.

“Winners never quit and quitters never win”….It’s an old saying that I’m sure you’ve heard many times before.  But just how much truth is behind those words?  When and how do you know if it’s the right choice to cut and run and throw in the towel?

You are never ever going to follow every single path you begin to it’s end destination.  You change. Your life changes. Your goals constantly change.   Every step that you take, causes you to grow and stretch beyond your current boundaries. Sometimes those changes will almost predetermine your need to give in and throw in that towel in certain areas.

It’s not a failure to give in.  It’s a courageous act, too often unrecognized.

Decisions are tough, and the bigger attachment you have to the outcome the tougher they can be. Be honest in your assessment.  You can play head-games forever and  justify your argument no matter which side of the coin you’re backing.  I need to believe that we all  struggle with throwing in the towel, second guessing ourselves becomes part of our nature.

On my journey….learning to toughen up!!!  ♥


♥ Mondays…who knew?!

I never thought I would be so happy for Monday to come around.  This weekend was rough.  I am tired.  TIRED.  I am tired of unbalanced relationships.  I am hurt.  HURT.

I guess I was brought up to be invisible; taught to be very tuned into others’ feelings and needs, but to never have any of my own.  For years, I have felt that as a person, I didn’t really exist, other than to be there for others.  No more.

In the past, when I had feelings and needs, I would tell myself that they weren’t important; that I was strong and could handle not having my feelings cared about or my needs understood. I convinced myself that if I just cared enough about others, others would eventually care about me.  Well, it never happened…

It’s taken a toll.  The inner stress of never attending to my own feelings and needs and always feeling so invisible to others as a result finally took a toll on my health.  Because of this, I am FINALLY really tending to myself.

Tired of feeling unappreciated, unseen, not valued.  I understand why this has happened…and how much of this is a reflection of how I have treated myself in the past.

Since my own feelings and needs were shut down and invisible to myself, of course they ended up being invisible to others.  I have finally learned that it is not realistic to constantly put myself aside and then expect others to value and respect me.

Anytime you tolerate uncaring or disrespectful behavior in others to avoid conflict, you are training others to see you as invisible, to not care about your feelings and needs.  If you have been allowing yourself to be invisible for a long time, it is a real challenge to start to care about yourself.

So here I am…I am now going through a difficult period of feeling others’ anger and resentment.  I allowed others for years to not have to care about me, and now I am changing the rules.  And I no longer care who doesn’t like it.  I am learning who really cares about me and who has just been using me.

It takes great courage to shift from invisibility to being seen and valued.  It takes great courage to be willing to lose others rather than continue to lose myself.  I am not losing myself ever again.  I hope that others won’t wait so long, until you are ill or feel alone and cast aside by others to start to practice this loving yourself and become visible to yourself.

It starts with ME – with learning to tune into, acknowledge, value, and take loving action for myself regarding my own feelings and needs. It means moving into personal responsibility for my own feelings and needs rather than taking care of everyone else in the hopes they will eventually take care of you.  If you are ever going to feel cared for and loved, it has to start with you caring about and being loving to yourself!

No more friendships or relationships that are one-sided, tired of people who become too busy at the last moment, unable to devote the same amount of time to the relationship.  All relationships take effort, two people willing to make time, etc.  No longer will I be that one person who repeatedly calls, texts or emails to get a response from another.  Tired of people who only think of me, or reach out to me, when they need a favor or something.  Tired of being at the whim of another in terms of plans, frequency of get-togethers, and activities.  Just tired.

So….alone I am….I have stopped spending time with the wrong people.  Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.  And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.   ♥


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