Category Archives: Thoughts

Actions speak louder than words

I came across the below words and had to share. I live by the words – actions speak louder than words!

Tiny Wisdom: Actions Speak Louder Than Words

By Lori Deschene (credit)

“Actions speak louder than words, but not nearly as often.” – Mark Twain

A while back, I wrote a blog post about giving people the benefit the doubt, and suggested, as I often do, that people rarely intend to be hurtful.

Someone wrote in the comments that I’ve obviously never encountered a sociopath.

This got me thinking about the many times I’ve heard women refer to men they’ve dated as sociopaths and narcissists. It occurred to me that many of those men likely treated them horribly, but may not have had mental disorders.

There are sociopaths out there, but more often than not when people hurt us, it’s not because of psychiatric diagnoses. It’s because they’re hauling around pain from their pasts and crashing it into everyone they meet.

When someone knowingly manipulates or uses others, or deliberately tries to control or intimidate them and they aren’t mentally ill, it’s rarely a happy, well-adjusted person who simply decided to be heartless and cruel.

In understanding this, we can be compassionate—but that doesn’t mean we need to willingly accept mistreatment.

The question then becomes: how do we know when to give someone the benefit of the doubt, and when to withhold it?

Last week a reader shared an insightful Oprah quote that read, “When people show you who they are, believe them.”

While I don’t believe any one action defines who someone is, I think there’s something to this. Actions speak louder than words. And repeated actions are what shape our character and reputation.

If someone says they want to spend time together but repeatedly fails to show up, they are communicating that they aren’t willing to follow through on their promises.

If someone says they’re trustworthy but repeatedly lies, they are communicating that their word can’t be trusted.

If someone says they want to change but repeatedly fails to make an effort, they are communicating that aren’t willing to do things differently.

Acknowledging this isn’t forming judgments. It’s recognizing the facts so that we can make a wise choice based on how things are—not how we want them to be.

We may recognize we’re being mistreated and choose to set and enforce a boundary. We all deserve second chances, and sometimes a third or fourth.

But other times we need to open our eyes so that we know when enough is enough.

It’s never our fault when someone else hurts us, but it’s within our power to stop allowing it.
________________
So, I have realized the last couple of men I have dated have been complete narcissists. They said all the right things but their actions never measured up. I am just happy I finally woke up and now have my eyes wide open. I won’t settle. I expect people to do what they say they will do. I expect people to be honest – even if it hurts. Life is too short for second-guessing, constant doubts. I don’t need to hear empty words and promises, I need to pay attention to the little cues, signs, body language.

“Lips and tongues lie. But actions never do. No matter what words are spoken, actions betray the truth of everyone’s heart.”
― Sherrilyn Kenyon, Born of Fury

“Thoughts do more. Words to much. Actions do much more.”
― Israelmore Ayivor

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People

“People empty me.  I have to get away to refill.”  – Charles Bukowski

Yes!!  I know, I distance myself from many for many different reasons.

I am far too sensitive when it comes to absorbing other people’s energies.  So, I need a lot of me, alone time, to re-calibrate my heart, refocus my mind, and reorganize my thoughts.

This is why I prefer spending time with my dog….he never lies about love.   Unconditional.  No second guessing.

Nothing loses my interest faster than someone lying to me.   I have been known to enjoy real conversations, just not too keen on small talk.


Just venting…

Life. Life sometimes really sucks. Period.

Being a divorced, single, childless woman in my 40s battling cancer yet again is just a sad state to find myself in…again.

Divorced Female, Going Bald, Undergoing Chemo and Radiation, Going Through Menopause, Weight Fluctuations, Mood swings…

Oh yeah, isn’t that the first profile you would click on if you were searching for the love of your life or even just a new ‘friend’ online? Dating in itself – or, I should say, finding someone to date – is never easy. Finding someone when you happen to be bald, going through chemo and/or making daily trips to the hospital for chemotherapy and radiation makes it a zillion times more complicated. Trust me, I know. I have tried it. I am not sure why I have tried it but I did. Logically, I knew it was not the best idea. But heck, I guess I am bored, optimistic, stupid?!

Going through cancer treatment can be really tough for a single woman. You may not have a friend or family member who can be there for you like a partner. You may also worry about how a current or future partner will react when they find out you’ve had cancer.

Perhaps the most private scar left by cancer is the damage done to your view of yourself. My self-image is completely distorted at times. I constantly find myself worried if I can ever catch up, keep up or even get going on most days. I wonder how active I can be and even how long I will live. If I ever even allow myself to think about remarrying one day, I obsess about if I should ever involve a partner in such an uncertain future.

In the past, concerns about having children also affected my relationships. I became infertile many years ago with my first bout of cancer. So alone I am.

I have been single most of my life. And I live by this quote by prixie: “Single is not a status. It is a word that describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.”

Yes I am scared. Tired of not having someone special around. But the reality is I am my own person, and if I can’t enjoy being single, how can I enjoy being with someone else?

The most difficult thing for me about going through cancer yet again is doing it single, alone. In the past, I had a much larger, strong support network so I was hardly ever alone. But now I find myself more alone. At a time when closeness is so much more important, I feel so utterly singularly alone. During this time, my treatment, I am trying so hard to be brave and not complain too much. But staying quiet and calm, doesn’t prevent me from being lonely sometimes and longing for someone to hold me at night and whisper that everything is going to be alright. Or even just to take me to dinner, make me laugh, smile and forget about cancer for a little while, make me feel desirable. I have friends who take pity on me and take me out for dinner, and make me laugh but its just sadly not quite the same thing. Sometimes I just so desperately want to ignore the cancer.

Nearly everyone I encounter who has or has had cancer – friends, people at the hospital, family, people in books and on TV – were either married or in a serious relationship when they were diagnosed; or children with caring parents. Not me. I am in the very vulnerable single state and not having someone to hold my hand every step of the way, makes me wistful, if not angry sometimes. But instead of just being jealous of others in relationships with supportive loving partners, feeling sorry for myself, I keep trying online dating. It makes me feel somewhat normal.

Within minutes of posting a new photo online, I had e-mails from men ready to shower me with attention. Of course, most weren’t exactly my type, but you need to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince, right?! lol

I guess I am lucky somewhat … I have had some really interesting email exchanges, but alas have not found the man of my dreams during treatment. Still, dating during treatment restores my self-confidence, reassures me that I am still attractive, and distracts me enough moments at a time. The way I see it, is that everyone is unique and carries baggage of some kind and this is only one part of me, I guess. Just tired today of carrying all this baggage. Tired of my hand dangling alone.

So yes … Life. Life sometimes really sucks. Period.


I know I will see you again …

I get so more melancholy and turn more quietly inward – especially between August through September. I have lost so many people I truly loved. For the past 13 years, I dread today. I dread the anniversary and the repeated replays of the planes, the impacts, the fireballs and the collapsing towers.

It truly is like ripping off a Band-Aid … but my heart feels this open wound. Today, 13 years ago, I lost four true friends, one my irreplaceable heart, my soul mate.

The days will always be brighter because he existed. The nights will always be darker because he’s gone. And no matter what anybody says about grief, and about time healing all wounds, the truth is, there are certain sorrows that never fade away until the heart stops beating and the last breath is taken. Always my heart ♥mm♥ …(Excerpt from Tiffanie DeBartolo, God-Shaped Hole)

I have come to realize that destiny can hurt a person as much as it can bless them, and I find myself wondering why – out of all the people in all the world I could ever have loved – I had to fall in love with someone who was taken away from me.

One day he was there and then all of a sudden, he is gone. There’s less of him each passing year. And you wonder where that part went – if it’s living somewhere, outside of you, and you keep thinking maybe you’ll get it back. And then you realize…it’s just gone.

Many say it’s easier to burn than to build; many say it’s easier to hurt than to heal…But I say you lose when you give up what you love…And I’ve lived my life without that long enough.

I hold pieces of him; I hold them so tight that they eventually become pieces of myself that am still learning to grow from but never away from. I hold onto them so tight that they eventually become the only pieces that can hold my shaky bones together. They become the only pieces that can keep this broken heart of mine held together…

Have you ever thought that if one thing hadn’t happened, a whole set of things never would have either? Like dominoes in time, a single event kicked off an unstoppable series of changes that gained momentum and spun out of control, and nothing was ever the same again. Don’t ever doubt that a mere second can change your life forever. It can. It has. Everything does really happen for a reason.

I’ve got no more illusions…I know I’ll see you again…but for today, I am allowing myself to fully experience the full impact of my loss. Grieving all over again. Grief…I am following it, crying when I want to, yelling at God, screaming into my pillow, and avoiding most people and definitely the news.

Grief is itself the only medicine I need right now. And anyone who doesn’t understand this or who can’t accept, stay away from me. So fake better stay away from me.

“After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. You learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises. You learn that loving doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t always mean security, and you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. After a while you learn to build all your dreams on today because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for dreams, and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn to accept your defeats with your head held with the grace of a woman and not the grief of a child. After a while you learn to plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone else to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really are strong, that you really do have self worth, and you can endure, and you learn and learn, with every “goodbye” you learn…” (Veronica A. Shoffstall)

“I am not the happiest person. In fact, in the battle between joy and misery, I’d say that the latter often seems to prevail. I don’t like this, and every day I refuse, for the eighty millionth time, to put up with another minute of it. But the world does what it does, and I often find it disagreeable. After all these years, I’m kind of resigned to that. But I do have one thing on my side: I have enormous faith. And hope. I am not speaking of the kind you find in church or in the afterlife or in heaven or in the Saint James Bible or in the Hare Krishna’s that we all encounter changing flights in the airports of the world, I am speaking of a simple faith that says that one way or another, no matter how many times I stumble and stub my big toe, somehow life is going to work itself out.” (Elizabeth Wurtzel)

candles


Time…

For who knows where the time goes?
Who knows where the time goes?


Touch you with my words…

This past weekend has been all about me being lazy, somewhat selfish, staying indoors and watching movies…one of the movies I watched is called, “The Sessions”.  It’s a heartfelt movie, a feel-good story with an uplifting ending and irreproachable educational value.  It’s a picture based closely on fact, and it’s dedicated to “Mark O’Brien,” one of its central characters. Mark (John Hawkes) had polio when he was a child and became paralyzed in all but his head.  Inspired by the words below…

♥ Love this poem from the movie…resonates:

“Let me touch you with my words
For my hands lie limp as empty gloves
Let my words stroke your hair
Slide down your back
And tickle your belly
For my hands, light and free flying as bricks
Ignore my wishes
And stubbornly refuse to carry out my quietest desires
Let my words enter your mind
Bearing torches
Admit them willingly into your being
So they may caress you gently
Within”

Mark O’Brien – Love poem to no one in particular

Ah…wise words read, heard, shared today…

The worst thing about being lied to is simply knowing you weren’t worth the truth…

It’s not hard to find someone who tells you they love you, it’s hard to find someone who actually means it…

That feeling you get when he kisses your neck…

When you choose to forgive those who have hurt you, you take away their power…

If someone wants you, nothing will keep them away, but if they don’t want you, nothing will make them stay!

Love waits for one thing; The right moment…

A wise man said to me today:  “Give me a kiss to build a dream on”…

Give me a kiss to build a dream on
And my imagination will thrive upon that kiss
Sweetheart, I ask no more than this
A kiss to build a dream on

Give me a kiss before you leave me
And my imagination will feed my hungry heart
Leave me one thing before we part
A kiss to build a dream on

And when I’m alone with my fancies, I’ll be with you
Weaving romances, making believe they’re true

Oh, give me your lips for just a moment
And my imagination will make that moment live
Give me what you alone can give
A kiss to build a dream on

When I’m alone with my fancies, I’ll be with you
Weaving romances, making believe they’re true

Oh, give me lips for just a moment
And my imagination will make that moment live
Oh, give me what you alone can give
A kiss to build a dream on…


Reflections of a Year

Happy Holidays, Everyone!  I hope you have all been enjoying the holiday season and its many celebrations.   I have been blessed with love, warmth, meals, and friends, and yes – some truly wonderful gifts…♥

The past year for me has been a journey of discovery and re-direction in many ways.  It has been a time of quiet reflection, a time to gather my memories of my pasts, and learn how to accept love into my life again.  Aside from some grief and feeling of loss it has brought serious contemplation of the importance of friends, family, the necessity of unassailable caring for one another and the need to resolve differences and reach a level of unimpeachable understanding between us all.   And it hasn’t and still isn’t always easy to accomplish.   I have been fortunate though – so many times this past year, I have felt at peace, sense of quiet faith that all will be well in the future.

These last few days of the year will be all abuzz with chatter of the past year’s best of, hottest this, latest that.  And even more than that, everybody will most likely vow a commitment to some act of self-improvement for the upcoming year.   Ah – the infamous New Year’s Resolution.   Good intentions, that most often fall by the wayside only to be regarded as lists of would’ve, could’ve, should’ve.

Want to know why I don’t believe in New Year’s Resolutions?!   I have said this many times – they are an excuse to take the bad parts of your life and flaunt them with the promise that you’ll change them; they’re an excuse to realize you have messed up and are going to change without being ashamed.  But there is no shame in wanting to change.  We are constantly changing, whether we know it or not.  Take a year and live it one day at a time; you’d be surprised how much can change on its own when you’re not making dreamy long-term goals.  That is how I have lived my life…and now here I am and I don’t know how to accept people who don’t.

At this time of year, we naturally think back over the past twelve months and look ahead towards the future.  Looking back at times gone by (Auld Lang Syne) can be a good thing, especially if we focus on the stuff we’ve accomplished and the adventures we’ve had with friends or family. I think reflecting on our accomplishments and giving thanks for our good fortune is healthy.  But what about looking forward?

So I wonder how many of us will make New Year’s resolutions:  Lose weight.  Sleep enough hours.  Hit the gym.  Cut out the fast food.  Quit smoking.  Drink less.

If you’re looking for a new way to approach your outlook on the New Year, try this instead. Take a moment for some silent self-reflection on the past year and use where you are today to get where you want to be tomorrow.  While I’m not one for New Year’s Resolutions, I am committed to setting goals.

This coming January, concludes my first year writing this blog.  What a journey it has been.  I want to thank all of my followers for taking time out to read some of my musings.  This has been a very disparate year for me – looking for love, fighting demons of insecurities, loss, dealing with cancer, re-connecting with family and friends, looking for work, joining support group, volunteer work…the year is ending on  a very positive note for me…finding a great man and steady work have been true blessings.

How about you?  Are you setting resolutions goals for the new calendar year?


A.C.S.D.S.R…Day!

I am reminded of the very wise comments of an old friend, trainer and business mentor who said, ‘always look for the opportunity to find the positive in what people do, then give them genuine praise and watch them glow and grow with the appreciation’.

Wednesday is training day – acronym for today’s work in training people to value and appreciate what they do and help them to glow and grow is – A.C.S.D.S.R = Always Catch Someone Doing Something Right.

When I took my current job, training others was not part of my job description.   But there was a need, a gap – and who knew, I am good at it…but sometimes it’s hard not coming across as a know-it-all.   Or worse, unintentionally ruffling someone’s feathers and making them feel stupid.  So it is a balancing act.

I try to remember that everyone does something right, you just need to look for it, let them know you value and appreciate it, and then it is much easier to address what they may have done wrong and the solution to correct it.   So today I will try to encourage everyone that is being trained or mentored to use A.C.S.D.S.R. constantly in order to enjoy the personal lift you get from doing it.

It is good to be reminded of this wonderful acronym which I know needs to be maintained as part of my daily life and not just used occasionally.  I am sure this rewarding and enjoyable part of my life will again become a positive and ongoing habit.


Good day…

I knew good things were going to happen this weekend…:-)  Sunshine Sunday!

The weather has been absolutely gorgeous.  Re-connecting with one of my sisters and getting to spend quality time with my niece has been the saving grace, I have been looking for.   See wishes do come true.  I even went to see two, yes not one, but two movies at the theater yesterday.  I haven’t really been to the movies in months.  Forgot how much I miss it.

And walking out of my support group this morning, I was just feeling so optimistic.  Life really can be good…

I love that feeling. You know, the one you get when you take a deep breath and suddenly everything feels like it’s going to be okay. Just when you are hopeless as can be, and life is going nowhere, there’s those moments we have every now and then where we just stop and we get this feeling, that can’t be described, but you just know… you just feel like everything really is going to be okay. Like the world stopped spinning for a second, and everything was clear.  I had a few of these moments this weekend.  I need more of those moments.

There’s that one moment, the moment when you’ve figured out how much you’ve really let go, and how much you’ve grown. It’s that moment when you can’t look back, yet you can’t seem to look too far into the future. It’s that moment when you realize you’re living for yourself and no one else…yay!

I think I am lucky despite all the hurt and heartache I have experienced and still keep having to battle so many things.  I am lucky because I have learned so much.  Some people go through hardships and just get bitter and can’t move forward.  I have changed, and realized maybe things do happen for a reason. Maybe they don’t. But no matter what, they still happen. That’s what we need to remember. I learned to stop analyzing things so much, to just let them happen. And if I get hurt, or if something bad happens, there’s nothing I can do to change that. I’ve learned to go with my gut, and that it’s okay to make mistakes because the ones that matter won’t care. I’ve learned that love really is as great as they say it is. I’ve learned that your friends can save you from your worst enemy: yourself. And most importantly, I’ve learned that today is all we have.

When I look in the mirror, I see a lady who’s been through so much and yet still finds a way to smile at the past. She still loves with all her heart, or what’s left of it, and when you see her walk down the street I can guarantee you she’ll have her head up high, faking a smile just one last time at all those who try to break her but never will…yes that is who I see in the mirror….most days…today is one of those days!

I’m the kind of woman who is quiet in large groups or around people I don’t know; you only see the real me if we’re close. I smile and laugh a lot, especially at the most inappropriate times. I’m a hopeless romantic. I trip over air, up stairs, and over people’s feet – which explains my three broken toes and sprained ankle.  I am the hardest person to offend, but it is all too easy to make me feel horrible.  Too sensitive most times.  I hate telling people about my problems; they don’t need to worry about me.   I don’t want their pity. I’m the one who listens to other people’s problems. I believe people should not be judged before one takes the time to get to know them…and not even then.   I love to think rather than talk. I’m awkward, clumsy, shy, quirky… but this is me. Take it or leave it.

As you get older, you stop being scared of the dark. You realize the dark is just the dark…and night lights work just fine.  😉  But you also become scared of other things, people themselves. You learn that not everyone wants to see you succeed nor happy. You become aware of people’s underlying intentions and selfish actions.  And the monsters you used to check for under your bed at night, don’t even compare to some of the things people do.  This makes me sad.

People, me included these days, are always talking about how hard it is to find a good man, but nowadays it’s hard to even find a good person. It’s so hard to just find a person to talk to, someone who will just listen and not judge, someone who will just take you as you are.  This is why I joined my support group.  There’s a story behind everything.  How a picture got on a wall, how a scar got on your face. Sometimes the stories are simple, and sometimes they are hard and heartbreaking.  So I listen, I learn, I appreciate, and I hope…

Sometimes you just need someone. Someone to make you smile when you’re sad, to tell you that you’re beautiful. Someone to look forward to seeing you everyday. Someone to call you every night just to say I love you and mean it.  Yes, I know that my someone is just around the corner…

I have been ‘accused’ of living in a fantasy and looking for something that doesn’t exist.  But I disagree.  I have had the fairy tale once before so I know it’s out there again – as I long as I stop settling for the wrong people.  I think we’re all just looking for someone who makes every love song, romantic comedy and fairy tale seem relatable. We’re not really looking for a prince or a princess, or exactly for the person who chases us down to the airport before we leave for somewhere and confess their love to us and say we can’t leave. We’re not looking for someone who makes every song on the radio seem like it was written for them, we’re just looking for someone who when we watch these movies, hear these songs, read these fairy tales, we can sit back and say, “I know the feeling.”  Yes!

Breathe….exhale…smile…hope…♥


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