Category Archives: Struggle

Glimpse of a Genuine Smile

I am so tired of plastering a fake smile on my face, crying in the inside, keeping my tears at bay.  I just need a few hours with someone who I think understands me, my life, who cares enough to ask me about my day.  I am so lost most of the time, so alone … especially when surrounded by people.

But last night, I had the pleasure of reconnecting with some childhood, neighborhood friends and I found myself smiling, a genuine, sincere smile that starts at my heart and ends on my face.

Social media can be a good thing if used wisely.  I reconnected with a beautiful brother and sister who will forever be my step bother and sister.  Their Mom and my Dad dated while both were were separated.  Fast forward 30 years …we met for dinner, laughter, reminisced, laughed some more.  I went home with a genuine smile.  It felt so nice.  Even if fleeting.  I get lucky and appreciate those rare moments when I feel connected, loved, cared for and my smile makes an appearance.

I have always suffered from smiling depression.  Just put on a smile, brace myself, and get through the day.  It wears me out though.  Its exhausting.  Constantly hiding my sadness, my palpable misery behind a happy mask just keeps me at arms length from most people.  I get near but never fully close enough to someone. Always find myself on the periphery of their lives and even of my own.

The pain of getting close, of losing someone again, of struggling to get out of bed, the anxiety of learning how to breathe each minute of each day is too overwhelming most days.  So I smile, lean in, and pretend just about every day.

I go to work, to the doctors, out to dinner … I take tons of photos …of my food, desserts … I dress up, put make up on, get my hair, nails done, take selfies.  I am sure 90% of the time to the outside world, no one can see my struggle. How can they when I paint such a pretty picture?!  I hold down a part-time job, run a family, stay active but that frayed tethering line of rope just barely visible to me at times – somehow keeps me going – all the while I suffer for the most part in silence with panic attacks, insomnia, crushing low self-esteem and even suicidal thoughts.  I do share my story more these days, not like 10 years ago when I was too depressed to get out of bed, too weak to allow anyone in, before social media, before my blog.  Now I vent, share, open myself up more.  I work hard each and every day on trying to put myself out there.  Even if depletes me by the end of the day.

I have learned to keep negative, self serving people at arm’s length and I find myself being more appreciative of the smaller, less tangible things.  Gratitude really changed my life.

Sincerity, honesty, acceptance, sharing all have changed my life … so with tears in my eyes, smile on my face, hope in my heart, grace in my step … I move forward.  Looking forward to reconnecting, finding my genuine smile.

 

 


In My Veins

Watching episodes of Sons of Anarchy and all I can say about Jax and Tara’s relationship is WOW.

“We don’t know who we are until we’re connected to someone else. We’re just better human beings when we’re with the person we’re supposed to be with. I wasn’t supposed to leave. I belong here.”
―Tara to Jax

Nothing goes as planned
Everything will break
People say goodbye
In their own special way
All that you rely on
And all that you can fake
Will leave you in the morning
But find you in the day

Oh, you’re in my veins
And I cannot get you out
Oh, you’re all I taste
At night inside of my mouth
Oh, you run away
‘Cause I am not what you found
Oh, you’re in my veins
And I cannot get you out

Everything will change
Nothing stays the same
Nobody here’s perfect
Oh, but everyone’s to blame
Oh, all that you rely on
And all that you can save
Will leave you in the morning
And find you in the day

Oh, you’re in my veins
And I cannot get you out
Oh, you’re all I taste
At night inside of my mouth
Oh, you run away
‘Cause I am not what you found
Oh, you’re in my veins
And I cannot get you out

(No, I cannot get you out)
(No, I cannot get you)
(Oh no, I cannot get you out)
(No, I cannot get you)

Everything is dark
It’s more than you can take
But you catch a glimpse of sun light
Shining, shining down on your face
Your face
Oh your face

Oh, you’re in my veins
And I cannot get you out
Oh, you’re all I taste
At night inside of my mouth
Oh, you run away
‘Cause I am not what you found
Oh, you’re in my veins
And I cannot get you out
(No)

No, I cannot get you out
(Oh, you’re in my veins)
No, I cannot get you out
Oh no, I cannot get you


Black – This Is Life

If your lonely heart is aching,
think you can’t take any more,
you have to cup your hands to keep the light.
I will lean across your shoulder
and whisper in your ear
that this is life.
If you’re old enough to face it,
you are old enough to fake it,
to get what you desire and still ask why.
Then I’ll tap you on the shoulder
and whisper in your ear
that this is life.
This is what you struggled for,
no reprisals, no resistance,
this is life.
Can you answer me a question-
Have you lain awake at night,
the blinds undrawn, the ceiling streaked with light?
You feel tired but you can’t sleep,
feel so hungry you can’t eat-
Well, this is life.
Has your courage seemed to fail you
as you take your chosen path?
You pass a camel through a needle’s eye.
Get up in tiny little pieces
and you’ve learnt the major rule:
that this is life.
This is what you waited for,
no rehearsals, no more stalling,
this is life.
Have it tattooed on the inside
of your pink and sleepy eyelids;
This is life.
This is life.
(solo)
Absence makes the heart grow fonder,
grow more foolish than we can ever guess.
You feel your nerve ends slowly coiling
and you hope the answer’s “no”, the answer’s “yes”.
This is what you struggled for,
no reprisals, no resistance,
this is life.
This is what you waited for,
no rehearsals, no more stalling,
this is life.
If you can’t do what you ought,
lead by example, don’t get caught,
’cause this is life.
Uh, this is life.
This is life.
This is life.
This is life.
This is life.


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