Category Archives: Smiles

Hope is beautiful…

Heard today….”Tragedy makes you even more beautiful”…taken aback at first, I found myself speechless…yes me speechless…Beauty is definitely in the eyes of the beholder…”Beauty in things exists merely in the mind which contemplates them.”

I am an emotional mess these days.  I feel ugly – inside and outside.  It’s been a month since my accident and I am so tired of the pain I feel each second of every minute of every day.  I am tired of trying to learn how to do the simplest of things with my left hand.  I understand there are a few good people who are truly in my corner praying for me and hoping that the scars within me are not as visible on the outside nor on the inside.  I am afraid to see people because then they will see that I am barely clinging to life by a shredding thread….of hope.

So many people unfortunately see beauty as something to be measured and weighed.

I no longer see beauty that way. I see beauty as the grace point between what hurts and what heals, between the shadow of tragedy and the light of joy. I find beauty in my scars.

We all have scars, inside and out. We have freckles from sun exposure, emotional trigger points, broken bones, and broken hearts.  The invisible scars are the hardest to let go and deal with.

However our scars manifest, we need not feel ashamed but beautiful.

It is beautiful to have lived, really lived, and to have the marks to prove it. It’s not a competition—as in “My scar is better than your scar”—but it’s a testament of our inner strength.  I am strong.  I know this…I just have to keep reminding myself.

“The tragedy in a man’s life is what dies inside of him while he lives.” – Thoreau.  I am tired of dying a little at a time.  I don’t want to hide, to run away, to stay away…I will always somehow manage to smile through my tears…it’s just that some days are truly harder than others.

The Dalai Lama, the Tibetan saying:  “Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength.  No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is, if we lose our hope, that’s our real disaster.”  I believe, I continue to hope…for better days.

…smiling through my tears…♥

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Another small part of me has died…

Okay – admitting it – feeling sorry for myself.  It’s going on a week that I got hit by a car.   It’s going on a week that I miss going into the office and work.  It’s going on a week that my so-called love went MIA.   I thought he was the one.  I truly thought I was lucky enough to get a second chance at finding true love.  But when I needed him the most, he let me down.  He choose the cowardly way out – avoidance and lying.   I may be down and out, but I know I deserve better than that.  So I continue on my struggle alone.  Who cares if I am broke, who cares if I can’t comb my own hair, who cares if I can’t walk my own dog…the only thing that keeps me going is my faith that God has spared me once again.  There must be a reason.  I have hope that things will once again be okay…in the long run.  But right this minute, I am giving into my pain, my helplessness…for now, I scream, I fight, I curse, I cry, I feel sorry for myself…

I am finally getting over the shock of getting hit by a car.  I know I should have paid more attention in physics class.  But I am sure my accident proved something scientific, no??   A smaller, lighter object will generally yield to the heavier, faster-moving object.  But not necessarily without some resistance…hence my aching body, broken bones, bruised ego.

I was the pedestrian in a car-pedestrian tussle.  I don’t even think I did any damage to the car – *sigh* – all in all, I have to say that the car got the better of me.  I will be on the mend for at least three months according to my doctors.

I was only two blocks away from being home…only two blocks from being able to walk my own dog….only two blocks away from feeling safe.

I haven’t really been outside all week.  I used to love walking everywhere.  Now I am afraid of being squeamish about crossing streets – hoping that as my bruises heal so will my fear dissipate.  I sit here all alone and think if there is anything I can do to change what happened to me?   But the answer is always the same…No way.  And so it goes.

I recall one minute laying sprawled on the ground, and the next getting up, trying to shake off the cobwebs of disorientation and saying aloud, “I want to go home”.  I had people all around me….strangers shouting different advice.

A young girl crying dialed 911 and the driver called the police.  Pain started getting worse, my head hurt.  I felt more disoriented, more disembodied.  I was extremely lucky they said, not to suffer any head trauma. At first I managed to laugh about it and cover up my emotions. Then the shock kicked in during my treatment in hospital.  After waiting an eternity at the hospital, laughing instead of crying, trying to make those around me feel okay, I just wanted to be alone, to cry.  Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful things weren’t worse but I am still feeling this overwhelming anxiety, nightmares of the accident and the new challenges of daily life due to the recovery time.  And now on top of all this, I am dealing with a broken heart as well.  I understand that I am lucky there too.  I am happy that I know now how much of a coward he is and how much better off I am without him, before any more time invested.  But I have to face so much by myself, and now having to explain to family and friends what happened, and why he isn’t here is just too much for me right now.  I want to close my eyes and just pretend things are better.

I feel like I am the one left behind being punished and with the difficulties of trying to move forward, while everyone just gets to move on with their lives uninterrupted.

I truly wish there was one person in my life who could understand this incredible numb feeling I have as well as understand the nightmares, the sickness I get when I’m in a car as well as on a pavement.  There is no shortage of people saying the right things like “feel better”, things will get better”…but seriously, I know they don’t fully understand the depth of my pain…emotionally or physically.   I have a long way to go…paying off medical bills, trips to the doctors, trying to keep my job, keeping slimy ambulance chasing lawyers at bay, holding onto dignity, grasping at hope, fighting off depression, trying to forgive…My optimism has diminished.  Even though I’m lucky, trying to put on this brave front, and smile on my face – more than not, I can’t do it anymore.

I sincerely thank God that I am alive because I could have been dead.  Life could be worse I understand all of this.  Sometimes I just wish I could pass out for good from all the excruciating pain.  But I am stronger than that.  I can’t lie – this experience is dredging up a lot of past painful memories for me.  Memories I had thought I had successfully put behind me.

I’m in pain every day, but refuse to take enough meds to control it because they sedate me too much and I have other added complications of dealing with my blood count.  I try to be grateful that I’m alive, but I’m constantly reminded of all the things I can’t do.  Today is usually the day I give my dog his bath, but I couldn’t even pick him up and place him in the tub.  I can’t even open his shampoo bottle without crying out of frustration.  I am praying that in time things go back to some kind of normal.

I am still raw… my feelings of loss are overwhelmingly painful and scary.  I keep trying to explain, “This is just too much to bear! I can’t stand it!” But no one hears me.  So I will  cry when I want, yell at God, scream into my pillow, shut out well-meaning, but not good for me people. I am not suppressing nor avoiding my grief.  Its how I feel! Not letting anyone take away my right to it.  Most people are clueless.  They attempt to comfort me and give me advice and encourage me to “get over it” and “get on with your life” as soon as possible.  Yeah whatever.

Their discomfort and awkwardness with my situation is leading to some pretty severe “foot-in-mouth” disease.  I will keep trying to find humor in everything – laughter releases endorphins and may ease my pain.  My motto – smiling through my tears.

This was to be my year…grappling with faith and clutching at hope…♥


National Pursuit of Happiness Week

It’s already Day 5 of National Pursuit of Happiness Week.  Sad that we even need a full week to remind us to pursue and find what makes us happy.

If Hurricane Sandy did nothing but force us all to slow down and appreciate what we have, then some good came out of that weather insanity.  If you are feeling overwhelmed – slow down. When we slow down we breathe more deeply, which makes us feel better. Sounds simple enough. Are you taking time each day to celebrate the good and let go of the bad?  It seems we get so caught up in the day-to-day that we forget to take some time to be still. When we take time to be still we can appreciate what we have and that lifts our spirits.

As the Dalai Lama tells us in his book The Art of Happiness:

‘In the same way, a situation that you initially perceive as 100 percent negative may have some positive aspects to it. But I think that even if you have discovered a positive angle to a bad situation that alone is often not enough. You still need to reinforce that idea. So you may need to remind yourself of that positive angle many times, until gradually your feeling changes.’

Have you thought about it? Are you so busy going through the day-to-day that you’ve forgotten the big picture?  Or are you bored senseless and just going through the motions?

I used to be downright bashful unless I felt I was in safe company. And now I just try not to care – I giggle out loud, sometimes at inopportune times, I skip, I trip, fall, laugh and get back up.  I kiss my dog, whisper to him, walk and play around. Do people look at me and think I am nuts?  I am sure – sometimes.  But I no longer care.   I enjoy and need to have fun goofing around.  I can recall so many stupid moments, and giggle aloud.  Giggling reminds me and gives me permission to lighten-up and have some fun…Do you hold back the true you? Is there a playful person hiding under layers of fear? Has the essence of you been squelched out by life’s challenges and limitations?  Don’t let it.  Its been a struggle, but I no longer allow the old uptight person come out of me.  I have to strangle that person.

I hope you all go out today and laugh out loud… and go about your day feeling lighter and gigglier…♥

Came across this and thought I should share:

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness Week 3: The Pursuit of Happiness

Speaker: Trey Kelly Follow @treykelly
Date: October 29, 2012

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

But what is Life? What is Liberty? And what is Happiness?

Is it a good job? A house in the suburbs? A beautiful wife, 2.5 kids and a dog? Is it all the money you’ll ever need. Is it a fancy car?

Life is more than just living. Liberty is more than just being free. And there’s only one source of true happiness.

Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Redefining the American Dream.


Trust…

Only trust someone who can see the following three (3) things in YOU:

  1. The sorrow behind your smile.
  2. The love behind your anger.
  3. The reason behind your silence.

♥ mm ♥


Serious need of some seriously funny people…

“I am serious, so I laugh a lot.  You need to laugh.  You don’t laugh enough.  I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t laugh”.  –Maya Angelou

“I don’t believe in being serious about anything. I think life is too serious to be taken seriously.” –Ray Bradbury

I find it interesting that most people in my life either describe me as ‘silly’ or ‘serious’…nothing really in between.  But lately many people have been telling me I am too serious…some of these people also ‘accuse’ me of wanting too much; they say, I don’t know how to take a joke.  I have to disagree.  I think these people just don’t know me…which is all good.

If people say something bad about you, judge you as if they know you, don’t easily get affected. Remember this: dogs bark if they don’t know the person.  This is my favorite saying of the week!

Sure I admit that I am very serious most of the time but not too serious, because seriousness has always been very natural to me.  Growing up, I was a loner, buried my head in a book, escaped in the words, travelled to places described.  I am a dreamer; but life has me firmly grounded in reality.  And unfortunately, that reality has seen its share of heartache. I believe this serious side of me is because of my desire to always improve myself and my dislike of imperfections.  As a result, I am hyper-critical of myself, everything I do, and even the world around me.   See to me – this may explain why many believe that I am too serious.

But I try to lighten up…I have my moments…I know how to suspend my reality hours at a time.  I think that is why I tend to gravitate toward people who have a healthy sense of humor.  They know how to laugh things off, shrug their shoulders, dust off their pants, and just keep smiling.

In my not so distant past, I have learned there are so many problems with being too serious leading to many sleepless nights:

The silent killer = Stress:   Always being sick and always feeling responsible has for the most part been overwhelming.

Worry:  Being serious leads to worrying a lot.  I tend to worry all of time.  Even insignificant issues become worrisome to someone who is too serious. Major issues become even more worrisome than they should be.

Anxiety: People who are too serious tend to have great anticipation or fears that preoccupy their thoughts.   Social anxiety is the biggest hurdle for me these days.

Depression: When serious people concentrate mostly on serious issues that are mostly out of their control, they tend to become more depressed.  Lucky for me, I don’t hibernate as long as I used to in the past.  I am more aware of all these issues which greatly helps my mood.

Boredom: Serious individuals tend to become more bored with mundane tasks. They prefer to work on more important tasks and solve problems instead.

Interactions: Being too serious can negatively affect interactions with other people, thus resulting with poor social skills and fewer friends.

As a result, being too serious most of the time can have detrimental effects to a person’s happiness, health, and social life.  Yes!  I have been proof of this.  Changing for the better…finally!

Fortunately, there is a simple and easy suggestion to help anyone become less serious. Just set aside some time each day when no important tasks need to be or will be done.   For me, this takes place every day now!  J  This will be the down time to just relax.  Do not do anything that’s stressful – I don’t watch the news, I don’t talk to selfish people, I don’t listen to love songs; I try to stay away from all that aggravate me.  Instead, I watch funny movies, read a good book, take the dog for a walk, write in my blog, allow attention from admirers, chat with my new funny friends…best of all check in with my Goddaughter – she is the brightest spot in this murky life.  She is so full of hope, love, and promises yet wise before her years.  I just pray she allows herself to be silly and doesn’t let the serious side of life take over.  She has already learned the most important thing in life:  Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.

A sense of humor… is needed armor.  Joy in one’s heart and some laughter on one’s lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life….I am finally almost there.

I strongly believe:  “The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain”.  –Kahlil Gibran

Let’s all try to remember that:  “Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious”.  –Peter Ustinov

Always looking for balance…♥


A very Happy Birthday goes out to the Heavens…

Wishing a happy, heavenly birthday to the funniest, kindest, sweetest, gentlest man I’ve ever known…My father…♥

Today is a hard day for me – I miss my Dad – he would have been 72!

♥ Happy Birthday to my Papi in Heaven. Forever in my heart. ♥
If There Are Roses In Heaven, Will You Send One Just For Me
So I Can Hold It Close To My Heart, Where You Will Always Be
I Will Lay It On My Pillow Each Night, As The Angels Tuck Me In
I Will Know That You Are Near Me, And Feel Your Presence Once Again
I Am Thankful For All The Years, You Were There To Help Me Through

I was down the Jersey shore yesterday and it brought up so many good memories of my Dad and I…

He always allowed us to bury him in the sand

Never complained when we wanted junk food from the boardwalk

Always played skee ball with me… (and let me win)

Loved orange creamsicles just like me

Crabbing

Fishing

All good times…even when it rained, he always found a way to make me laugh.

I went towards his fav place the other day – AC.  And I  passed a few Pepsi trucks early on – so I knew my guradian angels were with me.  *sigh* I miss you…every day…still your lil Indian Princess ♥

It’s so easy to take time for granted, but one day God chooses to take them home. And, it’s harder than words can express. I have such sweet memories of my life with him, memories I will cherish forever…I’m quite sure cake tastes even better in heaven!

For those of you whose fathers are still here are on earth with you – don’t forget to hug their necks tight and tell them you love them – each day.

You were like a rock

Strong, predictable and true

I was your youngest daughter –

Daddy’s little girl

I took my own path

But was still part of your world

I miss burying you in the sand down the Jersey shore

I miss walking on your back

I miss your hugs as your whiskers scratched my face

I miss you sleeping it off on my sofa when I lived near Branch Brook

I miss sitting on your lap as you called me your lucky charm as you beat everyone at dominos,

I miss you driving me and my sorority sisters to concerts…

I just miss you…Papi!

I always loved you

Papi, my Angel

Now my pain is

To worship you from afar

To remember you in pieces…

I love you now

As I did back then

I just hope… one day

I will see you again!

I love and miss you so much, sleep well

and take care of my other Angel who went before you

Forever in my heart xo  ♥

A Happy, Heavenly Birthday For My Papi In Heaven!

If roses grow in heaven,

Lord please pick a bunch for me,

Place them in my father’s arms
And tell him they’re from me.

Tell him that I love him and miss him,
And when he turns to smile,
Place a kiss upon his cheek
And hold him for awhile.
Because remembering him is easy,
I do it every day,
But there’s an ache within my heart
Because I am missing him today. ♥


T’s Pushing people away…again…

Trying really hard not to.  Every time I get sick, start feeling overwhelmed, feeling sorry for myself, I push people away.  I just can’t deal.  Some people make it easy.  My true friends give me the space I need but they won’t allow me to fully disappear.  Thank goodness.  I wish I could take back some things the past two weeks.  But I guess we really don’t get do-overs, do we?!

Yes, a part of me understands why things had to happen this way. I understand the reasons for causing me this pain and anxiety . But mere understanding does not chase away the hurt nor pain.  There are times when life suddenly casts a shadow before us: we suffer for sins we did not even commit, we go through situations we certainly do not deserve to be in. In such times, we have so many questions throbbing at the back of our minds, but the biggest of them all is “WHY?”  “Why ME!?!  Again…”

Pain = Pushed people away = Higher anxiety ~ Cycle?!

I have sadly learned that an answer is not really forthcoming.  I know I will not hear answers to these questions; the pain remains, life stands still, and I can’t do anything but wait ‘til everything’s over, until I can move on again like I used to, when my body didn’t fail me and my heart wasn’t shattered yet into the thousand lonely pieces they broke into.  Here is my most important question, and that is “HOW?”

How do I deal with my feelings of brokenness? How to continue moving forward? Where is my smile again?  Like many people, I’ve been through dark and painful moments in my life as well, moments I wanted to skip, moments when what I really wanted the most is to have my own time machine so I can either go back where I was happy, or fast forward anywhere in the future where I can find myself again. But no machine like that has ever been invented yet, and the only way to move from the terrible place where I stand is to continue going through the dark tunnel ahead that will lead me towards the new beginning I’m looking forward to.   *sigh*  I know once I do what the doctors suggest, I will be back on my journey.  But am I really ready?!

Sending an apology to my friends…out into the universe… I don’t mean to push you away.

I don’t have a fear of intimacy.  I don’t fear someone seeing the real me (well maybe this minute since my eyes hurt from crying).  I don’t fear someone might leave me.  I don’t fear that I might get hurt.  I recently met someone who I feel sabotaged their relationships, by allowing fear push people away.  I felt like it was the good old, “I’m gonna get you before you get me” syndrome, where someone behaves poorly to drive the other person away or just flat out breaks-up for no real good reason.  I have also seen people who sabotage themselves by consistently looking for things to fight about, to be jealous about or to be critical of.

But that’s not me – today I am admitting that I am pushing some people away because I have this inane belief that they can’t handle my life.  My uncertainty.  My getting sick.  My honesty.

So I am trying so hard to find and hold onto…accept, challenge, patience, love, strength, don’t dwell, learn, pray, laugh, cry, believe…keep breathing…hoping…

I don’t plan too far ahead…too much expectation, too much disappointment, too much illusion.  I tend to live from day to day.  Mostly it’s from moment to moment…gets me to the next step.  Pain is pain and suffering is suffering. There is no magic pill or any kind of painkiller that we can take to prevent us from feeling our hurts. We have to bear it head on and cling to the thought that things will definitely change for the better.  “I have deep sorrow today, and an unclear vision of the future. But nobody ever died of loneliness – only of hopelessness! As long as I have hope, no problem is ever too difficult, no night ever so dark that it can prevent the rising of another day!”

Can joy still exist even in my sorrows?!

Yes – although right this second, as I write this I am not fully embracing this but I do believe that joy and sorrow can definitely exist at the same time.  Someone deep down, I know I am going to get through this current hurdle.   Somewhere in my heart, there is a chamber of joy that has remained intact, untouched, forever guiding me in me most troublesome days and paths.  Faith, hope, loving myself…protects me and my happiness.

I didn’t realize the power of a secret I’ve been keeping. I didn’t notice the constant weight hanging on my shoulders. I didn’t realize the enormity of it all until I let it out today and now again via this post and I feel like I am slowly learning how to breathe again.

It’s nice to put trust into someone who speaks in “when’s” and not “if’s.” It’s nice to know that, despite how heavy and deep and painful a secret may be, there’s at least one person who’s willing to accept what you’ve told them and be honest when they tell you, “it’s not okay…but you’re going to be.”  Thank you – you know who you are….my rock, my sanity.  And ♥mm♥ is there too – even with September 11 fast approaching and my sadness hitting an all time high.  Talk about timing!

I have allowed some wrong people in my life this year, as well as learning to cherish the right people.  Still learning.  I think I will continue to look at most things as though they are my first time, as though it will be my last.  I will continue to pray, smile, and love!


Someone…♥

What I am looking for…someone who…

–        Isn’t afraid of showing me off.

–        Is there for me.

–        Takes care of me.

–        Loves me unconditionally.

–        Can make me laugh and smile, especially when I am feeling down.

–        Isn’t scared of telling me how they feel.

–        Ruins my lipstick instead of my mascara.

–        Promises to wipe away my tears with laughter.

–        Takes my pain away with compassion.

–        I can trust.

–        I can love with all of my heart.

–        Remembers I am a gift to him.

–        I can tough it out with, through the good, the bad and the ugly.

I have learned the difference between a man who flatters me, and a man who compliments me; a man who spends money on me, and a man who invests in me;  a man who views me as property, and a man who views me properly; a man who lusts after me and a man who loves me…♥


Forecast: Chance of Rain…

Just finished watching the movie, “Swinging with the Finkels”‘…and parts of it resonated with me…

“The only real obstacle to man’s inability to commit is man himself.”
“It’s not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility.”

For people who always think the grass is greener on the other side…If you worry about what might be, and wonder what might have been, you will ignore what is…now!

With so many advancements in technology, our lifestyles have been completely transformed. So many choices.  Sometimes when we have so many choices we become restless. We tend to not settle on what we already have or stay satisfied with what we’ve got because we’ll always be wondering about the next big thing. It’s called the grass is always greener syndrome. So many of us tend to think someone else is having a better time elsewhere; we can make ourselves miserable by thinking about the unknown in our endless quest to find happiness. We lie awake at night torturing ourselves over what we should do next, wondering if we are missing something big. We feel we are wasting our lives if we are not doing something more important.

There’s also this sense of urgency, this sense of time and pressure we place on ourselves. Sometimes we feel like we are running out of time and should constantly be doing something greater othwerwise we consider ourselves failures. Then there’s the whole idea that we are somehow special and meant for grandeur; that somehow our lives were destined to be thrilling, adventurous, and hugely successful.

And when we wake up and just realize that our lives are not turning out the way we expected or dreamt…well we find ourselves in crisis, don’t we?!  Perhaps a mid-life crisis. We get depressed; we want more; we get that grass is greener syndrome. We become unhappy, disatisfied, and spend all of our time and energy focusing on what we don’t have rather than counting our blessings. Trust me, I have been there – earlier than I expected in life too; most likely brought about from my illness and having to accept my limited opportunities early on. And I have learned that one is truly not happier on the other side of the grass…the grass is just as green. Focusing on what we don’t have is a definite recipe for disaster. It leads to a miserable, lonely existence and causes us to forget what is most important…the present – the here and now.

As John Lennon once said, “Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans”. So very true!

With so many choices and opportunities available to us, sometimes we tend to ignore what’s actually happening around us in the present. We forget the whole how to be happy; we miss the point of what happiness really means – acceptance, peace of mind, forgiveness, being mindful.

Don’t get me wrong, opportunities are great, sometimes wish I had more, but there comes a point where we need to accept our choices, decisions and our lives. Embrace all that comes along. Definitely go out and see the world and try to enjoy all that life has to offer. But whenever you feel yourself losing focus and wondering what if, bring yourself back to the present, Enjoy the moments today! Happiness to me is no longer about where I live, or the material things I have; it really is simply sometimes about smelling the roses, taking a deep breath, feeling your heartbeat…

All we have is the right now, So let’s forget the past; try not to worry too much about the future; truly find something in each new day that makes us smile even if for a moment. Stop thinking the grass is greener – because it truly isn’t…and without the rain, it will still turn brown….embracing ME!


You have to be happy in yourself….

“I’m like a fine wine. I get better with age. The best is yet to come.” ♥


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