Category Archives: Silence

Year of loss and forgiveness …

With the new year fast approaching, I have been thinking a lot about the past 12 months … the crushes I had, the dates I went on, the friendships I lost, the friendships I made.  There is one friendship I will miss for a bit longer – one I don’t understand why it ended.  This particular friend just started to ignore me one day and it continued even when I tried to ask her why – if I somehow offended her, was she going through something and just needed to be left alone.  I never heard back.  Ironically, she helped me realize my worth the past couple of years and not being a doormat to so many others.   I will always be in her debt for the kindness she showed me when I felt unworthy.  I recently unfriended her from social media.  Having that link there had become a reminder of the failure between us, and of how painful the situation had become. And although part of me will always wonder where she is and how she is doing, removing that connection has helped me move on.   I know I must have failed her in someway but I can’t beat myself up anymore.  I don’t regret trying to find the cause of the breakdown of our friendship nor do I regret once considering her my close friend.

One of the things that bothered me most was the silence; not only my former friend’s silence towards me, but also the fact that I felt that I couldn’t speak of what had happened between us to anyone else.  I felt stupid.  Since we didn’t have the typical friendship of hanging out, going shopping, etc.; she was my confidant – always a call, text, note away.   I will always be grateful for her wisdom, her understanding and being there when I truly needed her.  I hope one day she reads this, and knows she will forever hold a special place in my heart.

Adult friendships are hard, especially friendships with other women.  I won’t stop trying to bond with others.  I know my worth.  So with a little more heartbreak, I keep moving forward.

Learning not to obsesses about why someone has suddenly stopped talking to me, no longer wants to be my friend.  Learning I can’t live my life based on what other people say, do, nor how they react.

Learning to accept that I may never find the real reason.  I have learned the hard way, that not everyone is meant to be in our lives forever.

Learning to let go of everything I didn’t do right,  the negative things people have said, the gossip people spread, the lies others believe.

So with this year ending, learning how to forgive many for choosing to communicate with silence, and moving onto other people who want to be in my life …  with grace in my step, hope in my heart ….

“Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind? Should old acquaintance be forgot, and auld lang syne?

For auld lang syne, my dear, for auld lang syne, we’ll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne. And surely you’ll buy your pint cup and surely I’ll buy mine! And we’ll take a cup o’ kindness yet, for auld lang syne…”

Good bye 2015!

 

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Sympathy, empathy…Grieving…

Another sad day as the sun shines bright bringing another angel to Heaven. My second cousin, who died June 11, 2013, left a hole in our family; but now he is being joined by his only son, his namesake – who died a hero at the age of 24, trying to save a friend. Both young men drowned this weekend. My heart is broken and aches for my cousin’s wife, the mother of this selfless young man.

This death marks the second for me in less than two weeks. But this one hits me so much harder. My feelings are a mix of sympathy, empathy, selfishness, grief, guilt, confusion…so many jumbled feelings.

When my cousin died last June, I was so afraid to see him in the casket. My cousin looked so much like my brother growing up. My brother passed away when he was only 25 years old, twenty years ago; but there isn’t a day that I don’t think about him, miss him. I think I was filled with so many anxious feelings of having to relive the moment of seeing my brother in the casket again. And now thinking of how my cousin’s son died…due to drowning and he was only 24 – almost exactly like my brother. It’s surreal. I feel like my heart is being ripped open again, emotions so raw, jumbled. Feeling like I did 20 years ago.

I know I can’t fully understand how my cousin-in-law feels – losing her husband, now losing her only son. I am sympathetic. I worry how she will survive, and find a way to move forward. Although, I feel sorry for her loss, I am also feeling strong pangs of empathy, and reliving my own personal loss from many years ago. It may be impossible to be fully empathetic because each individual’s reactions, thoughts and feelings to tragedy are unique. But I am not just feeling sorry for, I am sorry with and have placed myself in the midst of someone else’s emotional reactions.

Learning that grief takes on many forms, and never goes away fully.

“You don’t get over it, you just get through it. You don’t get by it, because you can’t get around it. It doesn’t ‘get better’; it just gets different. Everyday… Grief puts on a new face.” – (Wendy Feireisen)

“Learn to get in touch with silence within yourself, and know that everything in this life has purpose. There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from.” – (Elizabeth Kubler-Ross) ♥


Voices…

Ever hear a voice and know it was meant to whisper to you, stir your soul? I spoke to someone yesterday and knew from a simple, “hello”…that something wonderful will come of this exchange. Time will tell.

In my awake dreams…we meet, we part, you walk away from me, your back to me…so much felt, so much unsaid…maybe we can live in this silence. I won’t deny my feelings…resistance is not an option. I am a willing victim, wanting to surrender to you…always leaving me wanting more. Of you, us. Fueled by our time apart. Words unspoken. It is within the very stillness of my solitude, that I can hear my soul whispering…I sit here at home alone in my thoughts where your very essence lingers…fractions at a time.

I lost my heart a long time ago…and the pieces of its broken core have yet to mend. Maybe your first true love is the one that sticks with you because it’s the only person who will receive all of you. After that, you learn more, but most of all, no matter what, a piece of you forever remains left behind in the heart of the one you first loved – a piece no future lover could ever get, no matter what. That piece holds innocence, the belief that love really can last forever; it held true friendship and real pain; trial and error; that one kiss you’ll never forget and that night under the stars you can never get back; it holds youth and everything you thought love would be, everything that was proven wrong….but life moves forward. Hearts harden and minds get weary.

I say no more…I long for the whispers in my ear. The tingle of fingers touching. Longing…voices of the future competing with voices of the past…


What hurts you today, makes you stronger tomorrow…

Rough week!  So over the moon its Friday…but the weekend is already mocking me with silence.  Took my Chili dog to the vet, learned he had arthritis and a spinal injury deterioration – he is limping around a little better with his new meds.  Poor little guy – he has already endured two knee surgeries.  I had to go to the Orthopedic today to learn my results from my MRI – sure enough I need surgery on my right hand – they found a tear in my ligament, a cyst, and central perforation…enough said.  Was praying against hope that surgery would not be needed.  But learning that somehow this is my life…

I find myself repeatedly asking God how much am I to take and when will it be my year but I somehow find the strength He provides for me to keep moving forward…smiling through my tears.   I was hoping to find someone special by now so I can find comfort and support in another but I guess it’s just not my time.  I know my Mr. Perfect for me is out there.  And I know that God has a plan as to why my life, physically and emotionally needs to go through this pain now with broken bones that don’t heal.

I am learning that letting go has nothing to do with weakness, and everything to do with strength.  We let go and walk away not because we want others to realize our worth, but because we finally realize our own worth.

Sometimes you just need to do your best and surrender the rest. – Don’t be too hard on yourself.  There are plenty of people willing to do that for you.  Tell yourself, “I am doing the best I can with what I have in this moment.  And that is all I can expect of anyone, including me.”  Love yourself and be proud of everything that you do, even your mistakes.  Because even mistakes mean you’re trying.

You are in control of one person, and one person only: yourself. – There is only one way to be happy, only one route to happiness, and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of your control.  Letting go in your relationships doesn’t always mean that you don’t care about people anymore; it’s simply realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.

What’s right for you may be wrong for others, and vice versa.– Think for yourself, and allow others the privilege of doing so too.  We all dance to the beat of a different drum.  There are few absolute ‘rights’ and ‘wrongs’ in the world.  You need to live your life your way – the way that’s right for you.

Some people will refuse to accept you for who you are.   And I am learning not to care as much.   Always choose to be true to yourself, even at the risk of incurring ridicule from others, rather than being fake and incurring the pain and confusion of trying to be someone you’re not.  When you are comfortable in your skin, not everyone in this world will like you, and that’s okay.  Yup…it really is.

Relationships can only exist on a steady foundation of truth.  When there is a breakdown in a relationship, you must have the hard conversation.  It may not be pretty and it may not feel good.  But if you are willing to listen and tell the truth, it will open up.  When you learn how to build relationships based on truth and authenticity, rather than masks, false perfection, and being phony, your relationships will heal, connect, and thrive.

Sometimes walking away is the only way to win.  Never waste your time trying to explain yourself to people who have proven that they are committed to misunderstanding you.  In other words, don’t define your intelligence by the number of arguments you have won, but by the number of times you have said, “This unnecessary nonsense is not worth my time.”

Sitting in silence I will learn to hide my pain…

Focusing on what I have left, not only on what I have lost.

It truly should never be all about what you have lost, but about what you have learned.

Still looking forward on putting my loss behind me….looking forward to my newest finds….

I have said this before…

Every day I am crumbling more apart and yet falling more together all at the same time.

We all need to remember one simple thing: it’s OK to be lost. It’s OK to let go of needing all the answers. It’s not going to kill you— in fact, it just might bring you to life.

I’ve lived, I’ve loved, I’ve lost, I’ve missed, I’ve hurt, I’ve trusted, I’ve made mistakes, but most of all, I’ve learned.   Very happy that I am in one piece…mind, heart, body and spirit…. All good to go….♥


Reflections of a Year

Happy Holidays, Everyone!  I hope you have all been enjoying the holiday season and its many celebrations.   I have been blessed with love, warmth, meals, and friends, and yes – some truly wonderful gifts…♥

The past year for me has been a journey of discovery and re-direction in many ways.  It has been a time of quiet reflection, a time to gather my memories of my pasts, and learn how to accept love into my life again.  Aside from some grief and feeling of loss it has brought serious contemplation of the importance of friends, family, the necessity of unassailable caring for one another and the need to resolve differences and reach a level of unimpeachable understanding between us all.   And it hasn’t and still isn’t always easy to accomplish.   I have been fortunate though – so many times this past year, I have felt at peace, sense of quiet faith that all will be well in the future.

These last few days of the year will be all abuzz with chatter of the past year’s best of, hottest this, latest that.  And even more than that, everybody will most likely vow a commitment to some act of self-improvement for the upcoming year.   Ah – the infamous New Year’s Resolution.   Good intentions, that most often fall by the wayside only to be regarded as lists of would’ve, could’ve, should’ve.

Want to know why I don’t believe in New Year’s Resolutions?!   I have said this many times – they are an excuse to take the bad parts of your life and flaunt them with the promise that you’ll change them; they’re an excuse to realize you have messed up and are going to change without being ashamed.  But there is no shame in wanting to change.  We are constantly changing, whether we know it or not.  Take a year and live it one day at a time; you’d be surprised how much can change on its own when you’re not making dreamy long-term goals.  That is how I have lived my life…and now here I am and I don’t know how to accept people who don’t.

At this time of year, we naturally think back over the past twelve months and look ahead towards the future.  Looking back at times gone by (Auld Lang Syne) can be a good thing, especially if we focus on the stuff we’ve accomplished and the adventures we’ve had with friends or family. I think reflecting on our accomplishments and giving thanks for our good fortune is healthy.  But what about looking forward?

So I wonder how many of us will make New Year’s resolutions:  Lose weight.  Sleep enough hours.  Hit the gym.  Cut out the fast food.  Quit smoking.  Drink less.

If you’re looking for a new way to approach your outlook on the New Year, try this instead. Take a moment for some silent self-reflection on the past year and use where you are today to get where you want to be tomorrow.  While I’m not one for New Year’s Resolutions, I am committed to setting goals.

This coming January, concludes my first year writing this blog.  What a journey it has been.  I want to thank all of my followers for taking time out to read some of my musings.  This has been a very disparate year for me – looking for love, fighting demons of insecurities, loss, dealing with cancer, re-connecting with family and friends, looking for work, joining support group, volunteer work…the year is ending on  a very positive note for me…finding a great man and steady work have been true blessings.

How about you?  Are you setting resolutions goals for the new calendar year?


On My Journey….

On my journey…

I remember my journey

The endless journey

My heart made

Towards hope

Toward love

Time stands still

My courage frozen

Not knowing if I should take a step forward

Or to remain still, very still

Waiting for strength to push me ahead

Silence

Truth beckons

Every step taken is a new beginning

Every new sight, a dream realized

On my journey

Forever hopeful…♥


Trust…

Only trust someone who can see the following three (3) things in YOU:

  1. The sorrow behind your smile.
  2. The love behind your anger.
  3. The reason behind your silence.

♥ mm ♥


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