Category Archives: Sick

#TsTuesdayTirade: bronchitis, asthma….be gone!

Today’s festivities: Curled up on the couch, watching TV all day and trying not to deflate a lung by coughing so much…yes, definitely coughing my life away….Coughing so much and hard that I am actually concerned that I will fracture a rib. What a waste of a personal day!!

There is an old proverb that states, “Life is in the breath. He who half breathes half lives.” Chronic bronchitis and asthma is wreaking havoc on my life….missing out on Fat Tuesday fun, as well as National Pound Cake Day & International Pancake Day…sigh…. Ever just want to scream out, “Calgon….take me away!” Well, I would but it hurts too much. This would be me…if I liked cats and could tolerate taking a bath in this polar vortex…#TsTuesdayTirade: bronchitis, asthma….be gone!

calgon

My friend just texted me to ask how I was doing. She was concerned about me as I have been sick for a week. And dealing with elderly parents, all of our chronic back and leg pain, not to mention all the daily chores of housework, caring for dog’s needs, and working an outside full time job. My response to her was this, “Do Christians ever have a breaking point? Because I believe I’m approaching mine!” I was most definitely experiencing a “Calgon…take me away” moment – my breaking point.

Each day we take between 14,000 and 25,000 breaths. It is the single most important process of our bodies and yet so many of us don’t pay any attention to our breathing. We are always on the run, and the result of this can lead to shallow short breathing. This means we are not allowing the right amount of oxygen into our organs and the amount the body needs to optimally perform. Hence, why I am sick, stressed…so I will continue to pray, hope…and inhale and exhale…


Random hopefulness…mixed with wistfulness….

What a crazy busy few weeks….work, deadlines has me spinning. And dealing with sick parents and dog, affords me very little breathing me time. I don’t sleep probably just to have some me time….to write, to breathe, to hum, etc.

I desperately need a vacation, just two days to myself to regroup, but unfortunately I won’t have that time, nor luxury. Writing helps to clear my head and stop my world from going over that cliff of despair.

I want one hour with my best friend but I haven’t even heard her voice in months – life keeps us missing each other.

Soon….I hope….

You never really know how much the people around you are hurting. You could be standing next to someone who is completely broken inside and you wouldn’t even know it. So never deprive someone of hope; it might be all they have. And remember that there are two ways to spread light in this world: You can either be a flame of hope, or a mirror that reflects it. Be one of the two every chance you get. I am trying…to hold onto this and believe and also trying to spread hope. Even when I can’t text, call, or see my friends, I try to remain hopeful… wistful…♥


Pain…

In a world of pain physically…in a world of hurt emotionally…

The hurt is the same

Like an open wound

There are days

I don’t utter a sound

Some days the pain is stronger

It makes me sick and weak

I can’t stand this much longer

I just sit here and weep

I’ve shut my private door

And let no one in

Locking myself in a box

But I won’t give in….

 

 


T’s Pushing people away…again…

Trying really hard not to.  Every time I get sick, start feeling overwhelmed, feeling sorry for myself, I push people away.  I just can’t deal.  Some people make it easy.  My true friends give me the space I need but they won’t allow me to fully disappear.  Thank goodness.  I wish I could take back some things the past two weeks.  But I guess we really don’t get do-overs, do we?!

Yes, a part of me understands why things had to happen this way. I understand the reasons for causing me this pain and anxiety . But mere understanding does not chase away the hurt nor pain.  There are times when life suddenly casts a shadow before us: we suffer for sins we did not even commit, we go through situations we certainly do not deserve to be in. In such times, we have so many questions throbbing at the back of our minds, but the biggest of them all is “WHY?”  “Why ME!?!  Again…”

Pain = Pushed people away = Higher anxiety ~ Cycle?!

I have sadly learned that an answer is not really forthcoming.  I know I will not hear answers to these questions; the pain remains, life stands still, and I can’t do anything but wait ‘til everything’s over, until I can move on again like I used to, when my body didn’t fail me and my heart wasn’t shattered yet into the thousand lonely pieces they broke into.  Here is my most important question, and that is “HOW?”

How do I deal with my feelings of brokenness? How to continue moving forward? Where is my smile again?  Like many people, I’ve been through dark and painful moments in my life as well, moments I wanted to skip, moments when what I really wanted the most is to have my own time machine so I can either go back where I was happy, or fast forward anywhere in the future where I can find myself again. But no machine like that has ever been invented yet, and the only way to move from the terrible place where I stand is to continue going through the dark tunnel ahead that will lead me towards the new beginning I’m looking forward to.   *sigh*  I know once I do what the doctors suggest, I will be back on my journey.  But am I really ready?!

Sending an apology to my friends…out into the universe… I don’t mean to push you away.

I don’t have a fear of intimacy.  I don’t fear someone seeing the real me (well maybe this minute since my eyes hurt from crying).  I don’t fear someone might leave me.  I don’t fear that I might get hurt.  I recently met someone who I feel sabotaged their relationships, by allowing fear push people away.  I felt like it was the good old, “I’m gonna get you before you get me” syndrome, where someone behaves poorly to drive the other person away or just flat out breaks-up for no real good reason.  I have also seen people who sabotage themselves by consistently looking for things to fight about, to be jealous about or to be critical of.

But that’s not me – today I am admitting that I am pushing some people away because I have this inane belief that they can’t handle my life.  My uncertainty.  My getting sick.  My honesty.

So I am trying so hard to find and hold onto…accept, challenge, patience, love, strength, don’t dwell, learn, pray, laugh, cry, believe…keep breathing…hoping…

I don’t plan too far ahead…too much expectation, too much disappointment, too much illusion.  I tend to live from day to day.  Mostly it’s from moment to moment…gets me to the next step.  Pain is pain and suffering is suffering. There is no magic pill or any kind of painkiller that we can take to prevent us from feeling our hurts. We have to bear it head on and cling to the thought that things will definitely change for the better.  “I have deep sorrow today, and an unclear vision of the future. But nobody ever died of loneliness – only of hopelessness! As long as I have hope, no problem is ever too difficult, no night ever so dark that it can prevent the rising of another day!”

Can joy still exist even in my sorrows?!

Yes – although right this second, as I write this I am not fully embracing this but I do believe that joy and sorrow can definitely exist at the same time.  Someone deep down, I know I am going to get through this current hurdle.   Somewhere in my heart, there is a chamber of joy that has remained intact, untouched, forever guiding me in me most troublesome days and paths.  Faith, hope, loving myself…protects me and my happiness.

I didn’t realize the power of a secret I’ve been keeping. I didn’t notice the constant weight hanging on my shoulders. I didn’t realize the enormity of it all until I let it out today and now again via this post and I feel like I am slowly learning how to breathe again.

It’s nice to put trust into someone who speaks in “when’s” and not “if’s.” It’s nice to know that, despite how heavy and deep and painful a secret may be, there’s at least one person who’s willing to accept what you’ve told them and be honest when they tell you, “it’s not okay…but you’re going to be.”  Thank you – you know who you are….my rock, my sanity.  And ♥mm♥ is there too – even with September 11 fast approaching and my sadness hitting an all time high.  Talk about timing!

I have allowed some wrong people in my life this year, as well as learning to cherish the right people.  Still learning.  I think I will continue to look at most things as though they are my first time, as though it will be my last.  I will continue to pray, smile, and love!


Tuesday Tears…

Tuesdays should be off limits for bad news.  No?!   I wonder if people dread the doctors as much as I do.  You would think I would be so used to them by now.  But no, never.  Talk about anxiety.  I swear I experience “white coat syndrome” – a phenomenon in which people exhibit elevated blood pressure in a clinical setting but not in other settings.   It is believed that this is due to the anxiety some people experience during a clinic visit.  Yup!  That’s me.  I usually experience social anxiety – but my blood pressure doesn’t usually elevate.

So bad news…I was sort of expecting it, but still hard to accept.  I am crying myself out so then tomorrow I can move forward with a new plan to stay healthy.

I am no longer allowing my past dictate my future. nor allowing my being sick a lot define me or rob me of feeling beautiful and being productive.

Nope.  Not Again.

I will always find small ways to create and enjoy moments.  I will continue to dress stylish despite my weight gain; I will get my hair done and skip lunch.  *sigh* I will cut back on the Pepsi and drink more water.

For years, I was doing so much for other people that I had started to neglect myself. I am finally once again putting myself at the top of the priority list.  Adopting the right attitude…maybe even of that of a “Divatude”…although not sure if I can pull that off.  🙂

Learning to focus on the beautiful moments and not dwell on the hardships, especially the challenging painful days that lie ahead. Grateful for all the blessings and opportunities.  May they keep coming…♥


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