Category Archives: September

One day … See You On The Other Side

Where does the time go?!  Why do some things never get any easier with time?  Why does my heart ache so?  Why does my anxiety level just skyrocket this time of the year? This weekend is so hard already for me.  Was in NYC and every time I heard a siren, I found myself nearly jumping off the sidewalk.  Too much sadness in the world.  So much on the news.  Sunday will mark 15 years since 9/11 terrorist attacks.  My life the past 22 years since my brother died in 1994, followed by my Dad’s passing in 1998 and then my fiance’s death on 9/11/2001- has been a long journey of loss, worry, depression, grief, anxiety, failure and slowly healing.  Each death, each loss, each time – something about my life changed and I lost pieces of myself.

Time does not fully heal all wounds.  I may still be broken, and my heart remains shattered…but it still beats and for that I am grateful.  The past few years of heartbreak and loss have also shown me much compassion and gratitude, and strengthened my faith. Some of my fear has diminished and I have more clarity, focus, determination to live fully for them.  I have found some peace.  Grief doesn’t end for me; doesn’t go away…but it does change.  Times like this weekend stir too many memories – good and bad.  Sadly, so many people believe that my grieving is a sign of weakness – but they are wrong.  Some people believe I lack faith – but they are also wrong.  My grieving after all these years is a testament to the love I shared with these men in my life.  The price I pay each and every minute, of every single day for loving them; for allowing their love to be a part of me.  So I don’t care if people think I am weak or mad.  I have had magic in my life and there is still fire in my will.  My brother, my Dad, Michael, my forever heart – they don’t just cross my mind, every once in a while – they live in it.  Always loved, forever missed.  In laughter and in sorrow, in sunshine and in rain – I know they are watching over me… my very own Angels in Heaven… until we meet again.

Grief is my shadow – following me everywhere I go.  Pain is manageable, dulled by my memories.  Ache is constant, made more hollow with sadness.  But then love and compassion fill me with light and hope.  Sunshine comforts me.   Some days I allow myself to just exist, no pressure and I get through it without guilt. I am able to find peace in moments of time, where I move forward, slowly with grace in my step, hope in my heart and smile through my tears.    Just breathing.

This song gets me each and every time … Ozzy Osbourne – “See You On The Other Side”:

Voices, a thousand, thousand voices
Whispering, the time has passed for choices
Golden days are passing over, yeah

I can’t seem to see you baby
Although my eyes are open wide
But I know I’ll see you once more
When I see you, I’ll see you on the other side
Yes, I’ll see you, I’ll see you on the other side

Leaving, I hate to see you cry
Grieving, I hate to say goodbye
Dust and ash forever, yeah

Though I know we must be parted
As sure as stars are in the sky
I’m gonna see when it comes to glory
And I’ll see you, I’ll see you on the other side
Yes I’ll see you, I’ll see you on the other side

Never thought I’d feel like this
Strange to be alone, yeah
But we’ll be together
Carved in stone, carved in stone, carved in stone

Hold me, hold me tight, I’m falling
Far away. Distant voices calling
I’m so cold. I need you darling, yeah

I was down, but now I’m flying
Straight across the great divide
I know you’re crying, but I’ll stop you crying
When I see you, I see you on the other side
Yes. I’ll see you. See you on the other side
I’m gonna see you. See you on the other side
God knows I’ll see you, see you on the other side, yeah

I’ll see you. See you on the other side
I’m gonna see you. See you on the other side
God knows I’ll see you, see you on the other side, yeah
I wanna see you, yeah, yeah, yeah, see you on the other side
God knows I’ll see you, see you on the other side, yeah
I’m gonna see you. See you on the other side

Advertisements

September….

The month of September always starts out by reminding me of loss….of the great men I have lost in my life…and it just makes me feel lost myself , unfocused…sad….I am trying to be in a good place, stay strong. 

September 1st would have been my Dad’s 73rd birthday….its been 15 years since his passing, and I miss him each and every day….more so when I feel alone, sad, just plain scared at times…he would have been my rock.  I was and will always be a Daddy’s girl. 

I am beyond dreading the 11th.  Already in NYC, there has been a flurry of added security.  I just feel like I can’t escape the memories of profound sadness that permeates these leading days.  I don’t date; feel like I will never fall in love again.   Many of my friends think I will never get over my fiancé lost to me on 9/11 and that I don’t give men a fair chance because I compare all to him…but they are partly right, and I understand this.  I don’t want to settle for just anyone anymore.  I want that grand love I had before.  I know I deserve that and more….most days…just maybe not today. 

Last week I spent the 90% of the long holiday weekend, in my pjs…feeling slightly gloomy, being unshowered – pathetic.  I managed to watch sad movies – sort of allowing me to validate my feelings.  I feel stuck and unmotivated lately.   Going through the motions at work.  Thank goodness I don’t have many friends nearby, because I have been just a drag to be around. 

ME = Broken. Victim. Complainer. Crying all the time. Barely leaving the house. 

I just want to feel numb sometimes.  Carefully teetering on the tightrope of not feeling well, and not wanting to exist…to wanting to rewind the last few years…to finding a shred of hope and looking for a challenging work and love….I vacillate. 

But for the next few days, weeks…I think I will allow myself to continue being one of the walking depressed.  I won’t fully collapse and stay in bed all day.  I will get up Monday and go to work.  I will keep looking for hope and strength, keep smiling through my tears, keep looking after my dog, my friends. Keep blogging and tweeting and enjoy a glass or two of vino.   I just sadly have to admit, I will do all while being profoundly unhappy….accepting my life right now.  Knowing things will change…time and hope propel me forward.  ♥mm♥

I did remind myself that September is California Wine Month…so I think I will try to get myself out my funk, by drinking responsibly and deliciously enjoying a glass of red wine….each day until perhaps October comes.  I will need to read up on California  wineries and make my picks.  A little research, a little sip…will hopefully chase away some of the sadness.  A girl can dream…Everyone has problems. Some people are just better at hiding them than others.  I will fake my way through another week.  

I will soon…reach out as if I could touch the breath of beginnings where each moment is one of discovery instead of one step closer to goodbye.  


%d bloggers like this: