Category Archives: Selfishness

The Art of Saying Thank You

I would have to say one of my biggest pet peeves is when people don’t say thank you. What has happened to good manners. etiquette, gratitude, appreciation?

I know society has changed in many ways:  I understand how the world moves at a faster pace – and so many of us have adapted to this pace and prefer things be done more quickly, by email or phone.  I believe that some people have so much that so many take it all for granted.  Some people just have a sense of entitlement, and they feel like they deserve it.

Acknowledging takes very little effort but people still don’t make the time. I am tired. Tired of all the selfish people, especially in the family I was sadly born into.  I give, and give with very little respect.  I have to stop.  I always feel worse after holidays.  They under appreciate, and I over give.  No more.

For years, they take and rarely express gratitude – they just continue to show me they don’t care, they demean me, and show by their silence and lack of acknowledging my giving how much they belittle me and I guess they don’t have to thank me because I mean nothing to them.

They never recognize that I had a choice, I didn’t have to buy anything, all their favorites. They were not entitled.  I didn’t have to make the time, to pick up anything.  I am just a giver.  I am respectful.  No more.

I have to write this over and over, so I can make myself accountable.  Some people truly don’t deserve me in their life – in no form.

Keeping more to myself.  Learning to respect and appreciate myself more.  Give to myself more …  with grace in my step and hope in my heart.

Advertisements

Narcissistic Mother

This weekend was to be about my step dad and his special birthday.  Last few years have been tough – he was forced to retire, he got sick with prostate cancer, after surgery seemed to be doing a little better then he had a stroke … it has taken quite a toll on him and he has aged a lot and continues to be fragile.   I try to spend as much time with him as possible and I find many little things to celebrate, keep him busy and smiling.

He is originally from Ecuador so today I wanted to take him to this great Ecuadoran restaurant but my selfish, narcissistic mother decides she is too sick to go out, and she goes on and on about how we don’t care about her – since we decided to go out without her. Mind you she is the healthiest 70+ aged person I know  physically; but mentally is an entirely different story.  She wants to stay in her room, feeling sorry for herself, lying to herself and anyone else willing to listen to her.  I refused to allow my step dad to suffer in solitude any longer.  Life is too short.

My step dad and my mother have been married for 34 years. Throughout their marriage, my mom has tried to control virtually every aspect of his life, including what he could say, what he should eat, what he should wear, who he could be friends with — the list goes on and on. She did the same to me throughout my childhood – is it any wonder that I moved out before I even finished HS?!  She attempts to control me throughout my entire adult life, too.

She calls me many times a day to find out where I am, who I am with, what we are doing — and to reprimand me on my behavior.  I help my mom every day, with almost every aspect of her life. She continues to criticize and reprimand. There is no one else who will help care for her, and she has no real friends – although she does talk, really tell tall tales – to her younger sisters living in Florida and Puerto Rico.

All my life, I have always yearned for a normal relationship with my mother and now especially I want us to peacefully and respectfully enjoy our few years together. I love and respect her very much, but I am ashamed to say, I don’t like my mother. I love my step father – especially for putting up with her all these years.  But he does deserve to have some life of his own.  Even if that means having to deal with my mother’s wrath afterwards.  Life is way too short to stop living your life because someone else can’t deal with it.

I find my mother to be nasty, bitter, hateful, argumentative, un-supportive and the meanest person I know.  She’s always been this way, but it’s getting worse as she gets older … or maybe my tolerance of her behavior has shifted.  I can’t talk to her nicely or try to explain my point without her snapping at me and starting an argument.  If you say to her “why are you arguing” she says, “You are, not me”.  It’s always the other person, never her.  You are damned if you talk to her, and damned if you don’t talk to her.  It’s like walking on eggshells all the time.  You never know when the venom is coming.  She talks about people in a nasty manner.  She lies and when you call her on it, she denies it.  She starts trouble with my step dad, me – even my 12 year old terrier.   My three older sisters barely have anything to do with her in the last ten years.  No one wants to be around her because she is so nasty.  Sadly, she is toxic and I have given up hope she will change or see the error in her ways.

So I count to ten, I write, I vent to my friends, I cry and I pray.  I pray that God keeps giving me the strength to deal with her because on those rare moments when I can get her out of her room and she smiles – she makes me so happy.  I cry, I pray, I keep moving forward … with grace in my step and hope in my heart.

 

 


Reunited…and it feels so good.

Reunited…and it feels so good. Yes! Finally! Yesterday was a great day…a day all about ME. I was funny, charming, silly, impulsive…I felt alive, like I didn’t have a care in the world. And for a few blissful hours, I didn’t. I made my usual Saturday night plans for dinner then movie…and found myself dancing the night away into the wee hours of the morning. I have not felt this free in years. It was fantastic. I was surrounded by good friends – the non-judgmental ones; friends who want nothing tangible from me except friendship. Being the oldest in the night club and not being comfortably dressed, did not deter me from having a great time. I felt at peace, even beautiful. I have realized that it has been way too long since I have completely, and literally, let my hair down.

“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

The most important decision of your life, the one that will effect every other decision you make, is the commitment to love and accept yourself. It directly affects the quality of your relationships, your work, your free time, your faith, and your future.

I go out, and am usually worried about parents, dog, money, having to get up early to do things for others. I am usually so sleep deprived that I tire way too easy.

Yesterday, my Saturday started like most other Saturdays…buying the paper for my Dad, getting pastries, fresh bread for my parents, walking the dog, going into NYC for some volunteer work. I should have known it would be a great day…one of the young cancer patients I counsel, is actually showing such remarkable progress. Hope, faith…praying.

Trains were on time. I was actually only two minutes late for my much needed hair coloring appointment. Such a relaxing time at the salon. Learned one of the young ladies at the salon got engaged, met her new fiance, and her ring was a beauty. Love, hope…wistful.

Although, I was tired…I was determined to have a few hours of just pure enjoyment. Dinner was stress-free, conversations easy and flowing. Movie was sweet, funny. When we found ourselves not wanting the night to end, we decided to find a dance club. Although, most clubs are packed with the 20 something crowd, we were not deterred. We were on a mission to let the music just carry us away. I felt alive again. It was like stripping off several layers of paint from an antique piece of furniture. I found myself restored to my original beauty of life, full of joy. Not caring if I looked old, silly – allowed me to feel alive and I could abandon all those inhibitions. I just felt like the old me. Living in appreciation.

Most days, I tend to reminiscence, and live in the past. Missing the men in my life, lost to me too early. Suffering comes from living in the pain of the past or the fear of the future. That is not living. My fiance, who passed away, would not want me to be alone, wallowing in what ifs. I am determined to continue placing attention on the present moment and be at peace. Lately, I am trying so hard to live in the present.

Focusing on me…on loving myself more. True self-love requires time to relax, play, and create face-to-face interaction with others. Our fast-paced world creates a goal setting, competitive craziness that doesn’t leave room for play. A doctor once said, “The opposite of play isn’t work, it is depression.” Yes, I feel like I have lost too many years as it is. I refuse to live in shadows anymore. Letting go of negative people, judgmental people, lying people, and dramatic people. Trying to stay true to myself. Love myself. Put myself first. No more self-neglect.

The past few weeks, pre-spring cleaning, has also found me cleaning out my closets. I have gained a lot of weight the past couple of years. And although I have to lose some for health reasons, I am embracing my new curves. I never thought the clothes hanging in my closet were symbolic in any way. But they are. Having clothes that no longer fit me, made me feel bad. Made me feel unworthy and just plain fat. No more.

So, there you have it. My new clothes, less clothes in the closet. A few hours of pure fun. A few hours of pure selfishness. My new return to finding ME. My new determination to not forget myself again.

Yes, reunited…and it feels so good….singing…♥


%d bloggers like this: