Category Archives: Self perception

Love Myself More

Summer is almost here … so is June – the month I usually start dating and make every effort to be more active and social.  I let January pass by without even a thought to dating.  Anyone who knows me or has been following my blog knows I tend to date in ‘J ‘ months … no singularly one reason … just with new year’s resolutions to be more open and more social and summer months with warmer weather, I try to get out and about.  Just this past November, I wrote how I was going to put myself first and start dating!  Ha!!  I just managed to hibernate longer and further isolate myself this past winter.

I have noticed something about myself this year – I have allowed myself to gain even more weight and dress shabbier.  My hair is usually a mess or under a hat, sweats have become my uniform, my legs haven’t been shaved nor moisturized in months … I haven’t had a pedicure in a year and I have even ‘borrowed’ clothes from my 80-year-old Mom.  Apologies on sharing too much … but this my is safe place, my venting, no judgment zone.

I didn’t just let myself go, I gave up – without much thought.  I found myself walking to Church the other day actually hoping that no one would look at me, talk to me or even notice me.  I prayed for absolutely no contact. Just this morning walking to the train station I caught a glimpse of myself in a car window – I looked sullen and frumpy.  For a second, I did a double take – wondering who that person was.  Talk about out of body experiences.

Then it was like a light bulb went off … I purposely let myself go.  Depression isn’t the only thing at play here … I have let myself go because I didn’t want the attention to only be let down again.  Subconsciously, I put on weight because I didn’t want to look good and be sexually attractive.  I have been using weight as protection.  *sigh*

I lost my dog in February … so less walking.  Still taking steroids … dexamethasone, prednisolone, methylprednisolone… oh my!  I love to eat … especially sweets.  I don’t go to the gym.  I am 51.  Yikes!  I get it.

What the heck have I been doing?  Letting life happen instead of taking it by the horns and l i v i n g …

Need to formulate a plan and start creating the life AND body I want … sure maybe not the body I had in my 20s nor 30s but some semblance of healthy … middle ground for my middle age!

I need to learn how to put myself first, stop hiding behind excuses, make an effort, stop being afraid of receiving attention – positive attention; get healthier and yes start dating … again!  No more weight as a cloak for invisibility.  Find and then do things that make me unequivocally happy.  I need to change from the inside out in order for any dieting and changes to my level of activity to have the most profound effect.   Here’s to commitment … to myself.  I promise to love myself more …  the only real relationship I want this summer and every month that starts with the letter ‘J’ is with myself.  But flirting can be fun.  We will see.  *giggles*

Putting it out there in the universe, holding myself accountable … with grace in my step and hope in my heart.

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Mirror, mirror …

I pass the mirrors in my apartment, and I cringe, walk faster, I look away – afraid to see what else cancer has taken from me. Sadly, I am beginning to understand that insecurity, pain, nausea are my constant companions lately. There is religious, cultural ritual for some, that cover mirrors after a death. This is how I feel. This tradition believes there is a connection between the soul and the mirror, with a belief that the soul can be reflected or captured by the mirror’s reflective surface. I agree. I feel lost at times. My self perception is distorted.

I was at a school reunion this past weekend, and if I heard one more time, how good I looked, I would have screamed. I know most people mean well, but I get tired of people trying to be polite and tell me how pretty I STILL Look despite that I am going through chemo and radiation. So many people so carelessly say things like ““But you don’t look sick.” *sigh*

I want that magic mirror that the Evil Queen had in Snow White. I want to look in the mirror, and recite, “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all” … and the magic mirror should affirm my dignity, beauty, and self worth! But alas… I have only the distorted mirrors, like the ones at fun houses. The image can be either greatly magnified or diminished in appearance. And I think lately it all depends on how I am feeling. I think many women are dissatisfied with their reflection. For me, right now, its more than thinking I am too fat, too old, etc. Our body image reflects how you feel your body is aesthetically and how attractive you perceive yourself. Right now, my body image is more of a battle for identity than just looking good. Until I can confidently see myself honestly, I will avoid mirrors along with well-meaning friends.

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