Category Archives: respect

Rose Colored Glasses Broken

Well those lingering thoughts I encouraged, wanted – all dissipated truly fast when my Iceland trekking ‘friend’ returned.  All the pretty words turned into false actions and harsh words.  But at the end of it all, after the tears I shed, I am okay.  I know my worth, know what I want, and what I deserve.

Lately, I was feeling in control of my life, despite ups and downs with my every day health leading to some issues at work, but over all I was waking up happy, going to bed exhausted from accomplishing things.  Then I let my guard down, I met someone tall, dark haired, handsome, funny … He appeared great on paper, even loved his family, was close to them, had a long standing job – I let myself go.  I fantasized, I went way out of my comfort level only to learn I don’t want a pot-smoking man in his 50s, who runs away at the first hint of conflict, and who may or may not still be in love with his ex-wife.  I spent the past few days sad, hurt, stung by his harsh words only to realize that I assisted in the demise of the fantasy.  I tested him when I should have just let it go.  I pushed, when I should have just let it go.  I wanted another chance to make it work, to see where it could go, when I should have just let it go.

Learning that I am getting better at seeing people clearly, so as to not waste my time too much.  But even when I knew he wasn’t for me, I tried because when he took my hand those few times, I felt something I haven’t felt in years.  It felt right.  I tried to base a relationship on that.  Yes.  Insanity at its best.  I clearly see that now.  I thought it was something not to be ignored.  But chemistry doesn’t make a relationship.  I logically get this.

Well I finally took my rose colored glasses off, broke them, threw them forever away.  When the very man you thought you were falling for, curses at you, something breaks, and it wasn’t my heart this time, it was expectations.  I tend to expect people to be nice, solely because I am trying so hard to be civil, to be forgiving, to be nice.  Well I no longer want to be the doormat.   I no longer want to be so forgiving, accepting.  That famous adage, “If you can’t change the circumstances, change your perspective” – could not ring any more true this weekend.  

In a relationship, you cannot be the puppeteer. People have their own emotions, behaviors, actions, beliefs, scars, wounds, fears, dreams, and perspectives. They are their own person.  As I am. I so wanted this relationship to be something that it could never be.

When  I meet people, there are certain expectations, like being treated well or being respected. Yet sometimes we find ourselves in relationships that don’t mirror what we anticipate to happen. We may feel hurt or used.  That was where I found myself this past week going into this weekend.

We cannot expect other people to treat us as we would treat them. We cannot assume anything or force change upon someone who clearly demonstrates he or she is stuck in his or her own way.  When someone is incapable of listening, hearing, understanding what I was trying to convey, share, and only managed to twist all into their way of thinking, rejecting me along the way, sure it was hard, but liberating at the same time.  Lessons learned the very hard way…again.  When this man got mad, he was no longer attractive to me.  I felt such a sadness.  I could do nothing but cry.  I think it wasn’t just for my dashed hopes but for him as well,  I could sense a pain in him that I would never reach.  I wanted to hug him and make it all better.  But I can’t keep trying to fix broken people, when I am still broken myself.  I am fully aware of this.  When he cruelly often used the phrase, “sounds like a personal problem” well it was … sadly. 

I am always so afraid of closing off my heart to new things, experiences, people for fear of being let down, disappointed again.  But as I write this, my heart is wide open.  With eyes full of clarity, I am capable of changing the relationships in my life by adjusting my point of view.  Tired of being disappointed.  I have to constantly reevaluate and adjust my expectations.  I can’t assume that people will respond to things as I would; I can’t assume that one will care like I do; just as I can’t assume one thinks in a similar way as I do.

I was living in a brief fantasy land of my hopes, dreams, ideas, beliefs, expectations, and assumptions.  And I was hurting myself most.  Learning how to protect myself more, needing to change my perception from what I hope would happen to being more open to experiences for whatever may actually happen.  It’s hard.  But I know I need to let go of my expectations … with grace in my step, hope in my heart … no more rose colored glasses!

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The Art of Saying Thank You

I would have to say one of my biggest pet peeves is when people don’t say thank you. What has happened to good manners. etiquette, gratitude, appreciation?

I know society has changed in many ways:  I understand how the world moves at a faster pace – and so many of us have adapted to this pace and prefer things be done more quickly, by email or phone.  I believe that some people have so much that so many take it all for granted.  Some people just have a sense of entitlement, and they feel like they deserve it.

Acknowledging takes very little effort but people still don’t make the time. I am tired. Tired of all the selfish people, especially in the family I was sadly born into.  I give, and give with very little respect.  I have to stop.  I always feel worse after holidays.  They under appreciate, and I over give.  No more.

For years, they take and rarely express gratitude – they just continue to show me they don’t care, they demean me, and show by their silence and lack of acknowledging my giving how much they belittle me and I guess they don’t have to thank me because I mean nothing to them.

They never recognize that I had a choice, I didn’t have to buy anything, all their favorites. They were not entitled.  I didn’t have to make the time, to pick up anything.  I am just a giver.  I am respectful.  No more.

I have to write this over and over, so I can make myself accountable.  Some people truly don’t deserve me in their life – in no form.

Keeping more to myself.  Learning to respect and appreciate myself more.  Give to myself more …  with grace in my step and hope in my heart.


Narcissistic Mother

This weekend was to be about my step dad and his special birthday.  Last few years have been tough – he was forced to retire, he got sick with prostate cancer, after surgery seemed to be doing a little better then he had a stroke … it has taken quite a toll on him and he has aged a lot and continues to be fragile.   I try to spend as much time with him as possible and I find many little things to celebrate, keep him busy and smiling.

He is originally from Ecuador so today I wanted to take him to this great Ecuadoran restaurant but my selfish, narcissistic mother decides she is too sick to go out, and she goes on and on about how we don’t care about her – since we decided to go out without her. Mind you she is the healthiest 70+ aged person I know  physically; but mentally is an entirely different story.  She wants to stay in her room, feeling sorry for herself, lying to herself and anyone else willing to listen to her.  I refused to allow my step dad to suffer in solitude any longer.  Life is too short.

My step dad and my mother have been married for 34 years. Throughout their marriage, my mom has tried to control virtually every aspect of his life, including what he could say, what he should eat, what he should wear, who he could be friends with — the list goes on and on. She did the same to me throughout my childhood – is it any wonder that I moved out before I even finished HS?!  She attempts to control me throughout my entire adult life, too.

She calls me many times a day to find out where I am, who I am with, what we are doing — and to reprimand me on my behavior.  I help my mom every day, with almost every aspect of her life. She continues to criticize and reprimand. There is no one else who will help care for her, and she has no real friends – although she does talk, really tell tall tales – to her younger sisters living in Florida and Puerto Rico.

All my life, I have always yearned for a normal relationship with my mother and now especially I want us to peacefully and respectfully enjoy our few years together. I love and respect her very much, but I am ashamed to say, I don’t like my mother. I love my step father – especially for putting up with her all these years.  But he does deserve to have some life of his own.  Even if that means having to deal with my mother’s wrath afterwards.  Life is way too short to stop living your life because someone else can’t deal with it.

I find my mother to be nasty, bitter, hateful, argumentative, un-supportive and the meanest person I know.  She’s always been this way, but it’s getting worse as she gets older … or maybe my tolerance of her behavior has shifted.  I can’t talk to her nicely or try to explain my point without her snapping at me and starting an argument.  If you say to her “why are you arguing” she says, “You are, not me”.  It’s always the other person, never her.  You are damned if you talk to her, and damned if you don’t talk to her.  It’s like walking on eggshells all the time.  You never know when the venom is coming.  She talks about people in a nasty manner.  She lies and when you call her on it, she denies it.  She starts trouble with my step dad, me – even my 12 year old terrier.   My three older sisters barely have anything to do with her in the last ten years.  No one wants to be around her because she is so nasty.  Sadly, she is toxic and I have given up hope she will change or see the error in her ways.

So I count to ten, I write, I vent to my friends, I cry and I pray.  I pray that God keeps giving me the strength to deal with her because on those rare moments when I can get her out of her room and she smiles – she makes me so happy.  I cry, I pray, I keep moving forward … with grace in my step and hope in my heart.

 

 


Reminder

Came across some of Rachel C.Lewis’ writing and had to share … resonates …

Tell The People You Love That You Love Them

“I love being horribly straightforward. I love sending reckless text messages (because how reckless can a form of digitized communication be?) and telling people I love them and telling people they are absolutely magical humans and I cannot believe they really exist. I love saying, “Kiss me harder,” and “You’re a good person,” and, “You brighten my day.” I live my life as straight-forward as possible.

Because one day, I might get hit by a bus.

I could be walking down the street one day, blasting Rihanna or Fleetwood Mac, jamming so hard that I don’t see the bus coming. I could be walking with a book in my hand, reading until the very end. I could be paying total and complete attention, imagine the impact before it arrives.

And I’d really, really rather not die with some confusing statement I said sitting in the phone or the thoughts or the memory of someone I know, care about, need.

I know how it is — we all want to be mysterious. None of us want to get hurt. None of us want to look desperate. So we wait to respond to texts, phone calls, emails, Facebook messages, Tweets. So we communicate our emotions in how we end our messages (no period this time? Really gonna get them.). So we say vague, half-statements and expect people to read our minds.

But what if we died?

Maybe it’s weird. Maybe it’s scary. Maybe it seems downright impossible to just be—to just let people know you want them, need them, feel like, in this very moment, you will die if you do not see them, hold them, touch them in some way whether its your feet on their thighs on the couch or your tongue in their mouth or your heart in their hands.

But there is nothing more beautiful than being desperate.

And there is nothing more risky than pretending not to care.

We are young and we are human and we are beautiful and we are not as in control as we think we are. We never know who needs us back. We never know the magic that can arise between ourselves and other humans.

We never know when the bus is coming.”

― Rachel C. Lewis


Share not Sacrifice …

I tend to get so upset with people, especially my family, when they only seem to remember me when they need me. A very wise person told me that I should feel privileged that I am like a beacon of light that comes to their minds when there is darkness in their lives. Easier said than done. But I am going to try to re-adjust my attitude. I am still keeping my distance since I still need respect. There may be times when you just have to love people from a distance. The same wise person reminded me that everyone can’t be in your front row. Its become quite obvious to me that my family no longer needs me – my sisters kids are all grown up. I guess they loved me enough to set me free as well. At least this is a healthier way of viewing things, accepting all to move forward. For a long time, I felt my connection to my family was tenuous at best, strained. And most of the effort was coming from me, one-sided – I see clearly now that I tend to have more vested emotionally in most relationships. Working on this.

I like it when people ask me to help them; often it means that they respect me and my opinion enough to request it, and I appreciate that. Who doesn’t want to feel needed? But when is the relationship is always one-sided – that no longer works for me. I have had to toughen up and learn to be more selfish and set boundaries. I am always willing to help anyone, if I am capable of it, and certainly don’t do something because of what I may get ‘in return’ but there does need to be some element of reciprocity and respect. I used to drop everything instantly to help my family and friends. I have learned that inadvertently I may have caused people to think less of me. When you always say ‘Yes’ without hesitation, they respect you less. Sadly strange I know but learning it’s true. Many may also get the impression that you’ll do anything for them and that they don’t have to do anything for you. It sets up a very unbalanced relationship.

I think there are two kinds of people, those who give and take and those who just want to take. I no longer allow opportunistic acquaintances in my life.

I think the following quote sums up, for me, what friendship means: “I value the friend who for me finds time on his calendar, but I cherish the friend who for me does not consult his calendar.” – Robert Brault

I get lost too easily in the thought of being kind; of turning the other cheek. Too many times, my forgiving heart, my kindness was mistaken for weakness – even I am guilty of doing this to myself. Learning how to find balance and happiness within boundaries and limitations. Learning how to share, give of myself without sacrificing myself. Or losing myself and letting resentment control me.

It’s surprising how much healthier you can feel when you let go, or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going-anywhere relationships, friendships, and family … with grace in our steps and hope in our hearts.


Sensitive Souls….

These quotes express exactly how I am feeling right at this moment….

“Sometimes your light shines so bright that it blinds people from seeing who you really are.”
― Shannon L. Alder

“Sensitive people are the most genuine and honest people you will ever meet. There is nothing they won’t tell you about themselves if they trust your kindness. However, the moment you betray them, reject them or devalue them, they become the worse type of person. Unfortunately, they end up hurting themselves in the long run. They don’t want to hurt other people. It is against their very nature. They want to make amends and undo the wrong they did. Their life is a wave of highs and lows. They live with guilt and constant pain over unresolved situations and misunderstandings. They are tortured souls that are not able to live with hatred or being hated. This type of person needs the most love anyone can give them because their soul has been constantly bruised by others. However, despite the tragedy of what they have to go through in life, they remain the most compassionate people worth knowing, and the ones that often become activists for the broken hearted, forgotten and the misunderstood. They are angels with broken wings that only fly when loved.”
― Shannon L. Alder

“The people you think are the happiest are usually the saddest; that’s because they see more and feel deeper than others do. They are the sensitive and they see beyond the veil of what’s tangible and what’s not. They wear no masks and can see through the masks of others. The sensitive to life are few in number, which is why they feel so alone…because they are all alone.”
― Donna Lynn Hope


Memories, music, mourning…

Today is all about memories, music, mourning, movement….remembering ♥mm♥…

What the heart has once owned and had, it shall never lose….♥mm♥

Here are some of the songs I am have been listening to…inspiring, sharing, understanding, remembering, honoring…my own tribute…


Frenemies…

The worst kinds of enemies are those who pretend to be your friends…yes, sadly true…and all around me.

I have no real need nor time for people who come to me when they need me, then throw me aside when they are fine.

Learned the hard way that fake friends are like your shadow, they follow you in the sun, but leave your side when it gets dark.

My accident this past January has really opened my eyes as to who my real friends are in my personal as well as my work life.

It’s really hard to trust people these days. I find myself always looking over my shoulder these days, waiting for the back stabbing knife in my back. We must be so careful who we share our weaknesses with. Learning that some people can’t wait for the opportunity to use them against us.

False friends, frenemies, are people who pretend to be a friend and then turn out to be just the opposite. Yup!! There are some people who get close to you for the specific reason to make fun of you behind your back, delight in the misery you endure, use you for whatever you can give them, and find out about your life so they can gossip about it later. Sad…especially when we are no longer in high school.

Because we generally want to see the best in people, we may give false friends several chances to prove that they are more than an enemy in disguise. However, when you discover a false friend in your life, you should distance yourself from them. Life is too short to be surrounded with people who don’t really care about you. So negativity be gone. I have cut people out of my life…who have proven they are no longer a true friend.

There are different types of friends – so called friends:

– The Opportunist: Use and abuse, and never return a favor.
– Egocentric, self centered: Always talking about themselves, brags a lot.
– The woe is me friend: only seek you out for therapy, and tend to hold grudges.
– The true fake friend: Smiles in your face, talks behind your back.
– Snobby friends – lack mutual respect.
– Spy friend or interloper: uses, interferes, intervenes, climbing on you – these are the jealous ones, they take ownership of your ideas, efforts, etc. Watch out for the blackmail. sigh
– Ignores: They meet someone, start a new romance and all of a sudden, they don’t return calls, break plans, etc.

All of these “friends” are missing out on a very important part of their emotional life. In the long run, they are ones that will lack the balance and support that friendship can give. And us poor gentle souls are better off without them. These fair weather friends only want to come around when they need your sun to shine on their dark and gloomy days. I know I have enough sunshine but I no longer need the shadows.

And because I have a big heart, have been accused of being naive and gullible…I tend to give people many chances. But knowing when to leave a friendship is more crucial to me these days. Choosing to let friends go is never an easy thing. If your friend has consistently shown you that they will leave you high and dry, it may be time to walk away. Sometimes we give people the benefit of the doubt and immediately think of them as our friend, when they perhaps don’t feel the same way. Maybe they are using you, or maybe they just don’t know how to be a friend. Either way, wish them the best and mean it, and then return to the people in your life who do treat you well….I am….♥

‪#‎ThingsThatAnnoyMe‬: Why try and be fake when being real takes less effort? ‪#‎HateFake‬


Need to Learn to Put Myself First!

What does an oxygen mask have to do with a respectful space – work or home?

They both identify the need to help yourself first before you can care effectively for others.

If you want to better care for and relate to others, health experts encourage you to put yourself first. Regard and respect the person you spend the most time with…YOURSELF!!   The most important relationship – the one you have with yourself – sets a tone for all of our other reactions.

Lately, I am feeling alone and completely burned out.  Insomnia has always been my friend…enemy.  And, being pushed around by others making constant demands on my time, energy leaves me beyond drained.  I am completely wiped out.  In desperate need of some real ME time.  I feel as I am constantly taking care of others and am lacking in taking care of myself.

I feel I have not had any time alone in at least 3 months. I need to take some time for myself before I have a meltdown of my own.  Literally….with this heatwave we have been having as well.

Soon….learning how to be more selfish….and love myself more…♥

 


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