Category Archives: Randomness

Warning: Rain may lead to crying…

*sigh* It’s like a monsoon outside!! Flooding everywhere…indoors listening to music…

Cry as hard as you want to. But make sure, when you stop crying, you’ll NEVER cry for the SAME reason again.

 

“She’s my kind of rain
Like love from a drunken sky
Confetti falling down all night
She’s my kind of rain…”

Advertisements

Sleepless nights, restless days…ramblings…

You can either choose to FEEL your life, DIE a slow death…or STOP, breathe slowly….FEEL and LET GO…I chose…I did.

Life continues to prove to me that in order to fully find yourself…we  sometimes need to lose our way.  I still can’t believe that two months ago I was talking marriage to a man who was so wrong for me for the long term and only a month ago, I was thinking of quitting my job, moving, etc.   Today – this moment –  I am in such a different place.

I have been home bound for more than three weeks because of my accident.  And now with this winter storm, I am even more tired, going mad from cabin fever.  I feel like screaming.

Really being stuck – literally – shows us who are friends are, and who are fair weather friends are.

Thank goodness for real friends, caring people, thoughtful people…just when I want to give up, they throw me a lifeline.

I’m going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like it’s all a dream, and pretend like it’s not hurting me.  The pain I feel now is more tangible due to my broken bones, not my broken spirit.
Acting…

Oh well, it’s another year. Last year was a year of hopes, dreams, looking for love, looking for work, triumphs, hours on the phone with Cablevision, but I survived yet another cancer scare, Hockey lockout, American Airlines pilot near strike, AMR’s Chapter 11 bankruptcy filing, losing keys, two pairs of glasses…. But everything is possible at any age.

I will continue to live my funny life….safety challenged and all…♥

Live through this, and you won’t look back…

 


Monday Ramblings…

I survived a very manic Monday indeed…and in surviving, I came to the conclusion that I don’t want everybody to like me.  I don’t…because there’s no way to be real and have everybody like you.  When you’re true to yourself and do what you want, some people are bound to get pissed off.  I am sure you all have heard the expression, “If you try to please everybody, you please nobody”.  Well lesson learned yet again…the hard way.  When you’re trying to please other people – When you’re trying to make people like you – When you’re reacting to others – all you are accomplishing is not staying true to yourself.

Thing is: there’s no reason to want everybody to like you. Do what you want and let whatever happens happen. Some people will love you. Others will hate you.  And you know what?  That’s fine.  I want real interactions, real connections instead of trying to please everybody.  Because every time you don’t do what you want, every time you censor your inner being, a part of you dims inside.  Every time you doubt yourself and don’t do what your heart so desperately urges you to do, you become more numb. Desensitized. Lifeless. That magical twinkle in your eye dims and you settle.  Well – no more settling.  Yelling it now – NO MORE SETTLING!

Doing what you want doesn’t mean being a *insert rude expletive of choice*.

…because being mean, being obnoxious, being rude, being selfish – all those nasty things that might be confused with “doing what you want” – are just convenient misinterpretations.

Doing what you want in order to get approval isn’t really doing what you want. It’s buying into other people’s story. Same thing goes for trying to control other people. For trying to be superior.

“I don’t want everyone to like me” is vastly different to “I want everyone to not like me”.

Indifference and contentedness is vastly different to living in reaction, living for others.

This is about staying true to yourself.

It’s easy to see the “do what you want” as a selfish attitude but when you really do what you want, when you live from your deepest inner being, you’re tapping into and accessing the source of all compassion. When you are true to yourself and connect to your deepest being, you see the humanity in everybody and experience life itself, and express and share that with all around you.

Being Real is connecting to and expressing your deep desire to live.

Undiluted. Pure bliss. Expressed through true right action, true self expression.

No more censoring who you are.
No more reaction and approval seeking.
No more self doubt or anxiety.
No more fake communication.
No more living for others.

…just pure undiluted genuine authentically unapologetic real raw expression.

Do what you want and Be Real.

Stay true to yourself.  Always.

One thing I’ve learned about myself is that I have a very low- to-no tolerance for bullshit and insincere people.

I can’t stand facades. People tend to put up fronts because they want to be perceived a certain way, they want you to think highly of them, respect them, and maybe even admire them. Sometimes they build up facades because they’re just scared of being judged or hurt by you. They built up these fronts to represent themselves because deep down, they are flawed individuals in one way or another.

The thing is, I like people a lot more when they acknowledge their flaws, rather than hiding them. For me, when people open up to me, it’s wonderful. The friendships I have where people are perfectly candid and show me their true selves, exposing their feelings regardless of how vulnerable that makes them, are the friendships I value most.  I appreciate genuine sincerity in people.  If you can acknowledge that flawed part of yourself you don’t like, it demonstrates a certain strength of character that is not evident when you mask yourself. It makes you more human to me, and helps me accept your flaws.

People are more beautiful when you accept them for what they really are. Flaws make us human, and struggling to overcome those flaws make us even more so. But one crucial step to growing as a person is to not lie to yourself. Sharing who you are without reservation with another person is as intimate as you can get, in my opinion.

I used to feel sorry for some people who felt the need to pretend.  Now seriously – step away.  So you posers out there who manipulate, try to say what you think others want to hear, please stay away from me.

To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.  Love yourself for all the good that you see and accept your flaws and the fact that you are imperfect. This does not mean that you do not learn to change from your shortcomings; instead, you are being gentle and kind to yourself despite all your “flaws”.  Look in the mirror and fall in love with the reflection that is You.

I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it — I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes.

However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me.  I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me.

I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am OKAY!

“When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.” -African Proverb

Sometimes we judge ourselves pretty harshly. We blame ourselves for things we have absolutely no control over. We criticize, berate, and even disparage ourselves, treating ourselves far worse than we’d ever treat other people.

It’s just all too easy to hold ourselves to high standards, and then get frustrated if we fail to meet them. I know I have done this before, and, at the risk of sounding defeatist, I know I will do it at some point again.

I believe that in much the same we will inevitably have conflicts with other people, we will also go through times when we’re not kind and loving to ourselves.

Perhaps the key to silencing the enemy within is accepting that it is there–that we all possess both darkness and light within us–and then learning to create a higher ratio of self-affirming to self-diminishing thoughts. Maybe the goal shouldn’t be to always be positive, but to recognize when we start being self-critical so that we can shift our thoughts more quickly and effectively with each internal struggle.

In a perfect world, we would always know the perfect thing to do and say, and we’d instinctively always do those things. Maybe some people do. But I can’t speak for them, because I sometimes struggle.

What helps me is to focus on progress, not perfection–to forgive myself when I’ve gotten negative, and then start fresh – clean slate.

Today if you get down on yourself, remember: You’re doing the best you can, and you have the power to choose, right now, that your best is good enough.  And we don’t need  everybody to like us.  BE TRUE TO YOURSELF!

Undiluted, uncensored…Just T…♥

 


Good day…

I knew good things were going to happen this weekend…:-)  Sunshine Sunday!

The weather has been absolutely gorgeous.  Re-connecting with one of my sisters and getting to spend quality time with my niece has been the saving grace, I have been looking for.   See wishes do come true.  I even went to see two, yes not one, but two movies at the theater yesterday.  I haven’t really been to the movies in months.  Forgot how much I miss it.

And walking out of my support group this morning, I was just feeling so optimistic.  Life really can be good…

I love that feeling. You know, the one you get when you take a deep breath and suddenly everything feels like it’s going to be okay. Just when you are hopeless as can be, and life is going nowhere, there’s those moments we have every now and then where we just stop and we get this feeling, that can’t be described, but you just know… you just feel like everything really is going to be okay. Like the world stopped spinning for a second, and everything was clear.  I had a few of these moments this weekend.  I need more of those moments.

There’s that one moment, the moment when you’ve figured out how much you’ve really let go, and how much you’ve grown. It’s that moment when you can’t look back, yet you can’t seem to look too far into the future. It’s that moment when you realize you’re living for yourself and no one else…yay!

I think I am lucky despite all the hurt and heartache I have experienced and still keep having to battle so many things.  I am lucky because I have learned so much.  Some people go through hardships and just get bitter and can’t move forward.  I have changed, and realized maybe things do happen for a reason. Maybe they don’t. But no matter what, they still happen. That’s what we need to remember. I learned to stop analyzing things so much, to just let them happen. And if I get hurt, or if something bad happens, there’s nothing I can do to change that. I’ve learned to go with my gut, and that it’s okay to make mistakes because the ones that matter won’t care. I’ve learned that love really is as great as they say it is. I’ve learned that your friends can save you from your worst enemy: yourself. And most importantly, I’ve learned that today is all we have.

When I look in the mirror, I see a lady who’s been through so much and yet still finds a way to smile at the past. She still loves with all her heart, or what’s left of it, and when you see her walk down the street I can guarantee you she’ll have her head up high, faking a smile just one last time at all those who try to break her but never will…yes that is who I see in the mirror….most days…today is one of those days!

I’m the kind of woman who is quiet in large groups or around people I don’t know; you only see the real me if we’re close. I smile and laugh a lot, especially at the most inappropriate times. I’m a hopeless romantic. I trip over air, up stairs, and over people’s feet – which explains my three broken toes and sprained ankle.  I am the hardest person to offend, but it is all too easy to make me feel horrible.  Too sensitive most times.  I hate telling people about my problems; they don’t need to worry about me.   I don’t want their pity. I’m the one who listens to other people’s problems. I believe people should not be judged before one takes the time to get to know them…and not even then.   I love to think rather than talk. I’m awkward, clumsy, shy, quirky… but this is me. Take it or leave it.

As you get older, you stop being scared of the dark. You realize the dark is just the dark…and night lights work just fine.  😉  But you also become scared of other things, people themselves. You learn that not everyone wants to see you succeed nor happy. You become aware of people’s underlying intentions and selfish actions.  And the monsters you used to check for under your bed at night, don’t even compare to some of the things people do.  This makes me sad.

People, me included these days, are always talking about how hard it is to find a good man, but nowadays it’s hard to even find a good person. It’s so hard to just find a person to talk to, someone who will just listen and not judge, someone who will just take you as you are.  This is why I joined my support group.  There’s a story behind everything.  How a picture got on a wall, how a scar got on your face. Sometimes the stories are simple, and sometimes they are hard and heartbreaking.  So I listen, I learn, I appreciate, and I hope…

Sometimes you just need someone. Someone to make you smile when you’re sad, to tell you that you’re beautiful. Someone to look forward to seeing you everyday. Someone to call you every night just to say I love you and mean it.  Yes, I know that my someone is just around the corner…

I have been ‘accused’ of living in a fantasy and looking for something that doesn’t exist.  But I disagree.  I have had the fairy tale once before so I know it’s out there again – as I long as I stop settling for the wrong people.  I think we’re all just looking for someone who makes every love song, romantic comedy and fairy tale seem relatable. We’re not really looking for a prince or a princess, or exactly for the person who chases us down to the airport before we leave for somewhere and confess their love to us and say we can’t leave. We’re not looking for someone who makes every song on the radio seem like it was written for them, we’re just looking for someone who when we watch these movies, hear these songs, read these fairy tales, we can sit back and say, “I know the feeling.”  Yes!

Breathe….exhale…smile…hope…♥


Glass half full or empty…randomness…

Hmmm….going out for drink(s) again this evening…does that suggest that I engage in drinking as an extension of my happiness, or as an act of desperation or depression….only time will tell, I am sure.

Feeling social anxiety…


Ramblings…

Trying to take one day at a time; savor the moments. Let things blossom – right, isn’t that what he says?! But for me, timing is everything. I value time. I don’t want to waste my time nor anyone else’s. Life should always be appreciated because it can change or be taken away in an instant. I know this all too well. What does it take to hope? Everything. Hope is about never ceasing to be amazed, wearing your heart and soul on your sleeve, holding your breath, waiting to hear magical words, believing that tomorrow could be better than today, that you’ll get a second chance, that you’ll make a difference, that you’ll finally be able to stand for something in your life. Have you ever thought that if one thing hadn’t happened, a whole set of other things never would have either? Like dominoes, a single event kicked off an unstoppable series of changes that gained momentum and spun out of control, and nothing was ever the same again. Don’t ever doubt that a mere second can change your life forever. Count your blessings. Go for it now. The future is promised to no one. I am not trying to rush things. It’s not about forcing happiness. It’s about not letting sadness win.

Sometimes…You don’t choose who you fall for. You just fall and you get this person who is all wrong, but yet so right. You know that you like them so much, except sometimes they drive you insane and no one can explain. Maybe I need more time…to accept who he is and who he will never be.

Sometimes…I have a long list of things to say but I will look over at him, I leave it alone and just want to say, “You amaze me”.

I promised myself that I would never learn to regret that I met him, for liking him and for falling for him. But because it is hurting me, I tend to forget that promises were meant to be broken and indeed it was. I’d rather love someone I can’t have than have someone I can’t love. It’s no wonder my marriage failed.

Sometimes…His lips tell me that he’s afraid of what people will say, what others think of him, but his eyes tell me that he’s fearless. And I get lost in them.

Sometimes…when I hear him speak, all I can hear are all his insecurities wound up. Do people really believe they are not special? I think the reason some people think they are not special, and maybe even think they are nothing, is because no one has ever fought for them. I have been fortunate to have people who care enough to fight for me, to walk me off the edge, to make me feel like I am the only one in the room. I believe that if I was really, truly, worth it, that someone would’ve fought for me to stay, but instead, I end up walking away.

It’s the worst feeling in the world to love and hate someone all at the same time. And it’s hard to watch things change when all you want is for them to stay the same. It’s funny but stupid how you want everything and nothing at the same time. It’s crazy when you want to let go, but you keep holding on. And when you want to move on, but you’re stuck right where you started. When feelings come and go and you can’t decide what you want. When you have so many things to say but you don’t know where to start. When you want them in your life so bad, but all you can do is push them farther and farther away because you can see into the future.

Sometimes, I wish I weren’t so smart.

Sometimes, I wish I weren’t so perceptive.

Sometimes, I wish I weren’t so honest.

Sometimes, I wish I weren’t so complicated.

I have never been strong enough to stay. People say that walking away is the hardest thing to do, but it isn’t. Staying, even when you know it will break your heart, is the hardest thing.

Staying right where you are, waiting for your entire world to be ripped into pieces is much harder than walking away and starting a new one.

Sometimes… there’s nothing to say.

Sometimes… silence expresses more than words. Picking up the phone, dialing a number…it can do more damage than good but humans are afflicted with this obsessive desire, to talk things to death. So we make things worse, just by trying to make it better. Some feelings don’t go away, they just get avoided.

Sometimes…living today like it may be your last…can be avoidance or an excuse…

The sun does not use the excuse of clouds to stop shining its light, for it knows that clouds will always come and go.

I am a realist, still a hopeful, dreamer…contradiction…nah!  Complex yes!

Over tired and confused …why do so many conclude that people are too complicated?!  We’d like to have an instruction manual to know what to do, but, of course, it doesn’t exist.

Most people see what their eyes allow them to perceive.  What is bigger than their vision “doesn’t exist” and, what is constituted by more elements than what they can manage is “complicated”.  Before we can even begin to understand and accept a complicated person we have two choices: widening our comprehension of reality or keeping things simple.  Simple to me usually equals boring.

I don’t do well with boring.  When one is getting aware that things are bigger and more profound than what one thought one gets to think in terms of how people are complicated.

What happens is that one is awakening to human complexity. Welcome to reality.

*sigh* Ramblings of a sleep deprived rubik’s cube….yup…that is how I am feeling!


Sleepless Randomness…

Sometimes in the silence of idleness is that it forces us to confront ourselves and who we are and what we want…the less active we are, the more we confront what is going on in our minds – many find this difficult…not me!
Sometimes in silence is when greatness can be found.
Yet it is in our idleness, in our dreams, that the submerged truth sometimes comes to the top. (V. Wooff)


Life…crashingly beautiful…

“Is this life, to grasp joy only to fear its escape? The price of happiness is the risk of losing it.”

“Life’s finest day for wretched mortals here/Is always first to flee.” “Why do you linger?” he means. “Why are you idle? If you don’t grasp it first, it flees.”

If you fail to grasp life, it will elude you. If you do grasp it, it will elude you anyway. So you must follow it—and “you must drink quickly as though from a rapid stream that will not always flow.” The trick is to maintain a kind of naive amazement at each instant of experience— one of the best techniques for doing this is to write about everything.  So here I am…

Moving on is not about not looking back. It’s taking a glance at yesterday, and seeing how much you’ve grown since then.

Maybe I have failed more often than I have succeeded but I can pick myself up, hold my head high and move forward.

Because I’m telling you that from this great fall, I’ve come a long way and I love my life now more than I ever thought possible.

I do believe that living, accepting, moving forward…all become easier as I become stronger.

“Sometimes life knocks you on your ass… get up, get up, get up!!! Happiness is not the absence of problems, it’s the ability to deal with them.”

Life…crashingly beautiful…♥

Dave Matthews Band – Crash Into Me

Spandau Ballet – Crashed Into Love


If Then Statement…

If…

I love you so much

Yet…

I am afraid to reach out to you fully

As…

Your rejection would be more than I can handle

Then…

Who do I really love?

You or Myself…

Always…♥


Sometimes its not about the attitude…its about character…

Robert Schuller – Clergyman, once said, “Always look at what you have left. Never look at what you have lost.”  But when I do this, all I find are shattered pieces of my heart, too many whisperings in my head, and so much doubt to fill an ocean.  I have learned that it’s not what you have lost, it’s what you have learned because of it.  Sometimes, if you are lucky, it’s not about what you lose, but what you find…

Character is what you have left when you’ve lost everything you can lose.  I truly believe that it’s okay to be lost and confused at times.

Every day I am crumbling more apart and yet falling more together all at the same time.  It’s when I am most lost and confused, that I hold onto one truth – it really is okay to be lost.  It’s okay to let go of needing all the answers.  And you know what?  It’s not going to kill you— in fact, it just might bring you to life.  It does for me…♥


%d bloggers like this: