Category Archives: Quiet

Reflections of a Year

Happy Holidays, Everyone!  I hope you have all been enjoying the holiday season and its many celebrations.   I have been blessed with love, warmth, meals, and friends, and yes – some truly wonderful gifts…♥

The past year for me has been a journey of discovery and re-direction in many ways.  It has been a time of quiet reflection, a time to gather my memories of my pasts, and learn how to accept love into my life again.  Aside from some grief and feeling of loss it has brought serious contemplation of the importance of friends, family, the necessity of unassailable caring for one another and the need to resolve differences and reach a level of unimpeachable understanding between us all.   And it hasn’t and still isn’t always easy to accomplish.   I have been fortunate though – so many times this past year, I have felt at peace, sense of quiet faith that all will be well in the future.

These last few days of the year will be all abuzz with chatter of the past year’s best of, hottest this, latest that.  And even more than that, everybody will most likely vow a commitment to some act of self-improvement for the upcoming year.   Ah – the infamous New Year’s Resolution.   Good intentions, that most often fall by the wayside only to be regarded as lists of would’ve, could’ve, should’ve.

Want to know why I don’t believe in New Year’s Resolutions?!   I have said this many times – they are an excuse to take the bad parts of your life and flaunt them with the promise that you’ll change them; they’re an excuse to realize you have messed up and are going to change without being ashamed.  But there is no shame in wanting to change.  We are constantly changing, whether we know it or not.  Take a year and live it one day at a time; you’d be surprised how much can change on its own when you’re not making dreamy long-term goals.  That is how I have lived my life…and now here I am and I don’t know how to accept people who don’t.

At this time of year, we naturally think back over the past twelve months and look ahead towards the future.  Looking back at times gone by (Auld Lang Syne) can be a good thing, especially if we focus on the stuff we’ve accomplished and the adventures we’ve had with friends or family. I think reflecting on our accomplishments and giving thanks for our good fortune is healthy.  But what about looking forward?

So I wonder how many of us will make New Year’s resolutions:  Lose weight.  Sleep enough hours.  Hit the gym.  Cut out the fast food.  Quit smoking.  Drink less.

If you’re looking for a new way to approach your outlook on the New Year, try this instead. Take a moment for some silent self-reflection on the past year and use where you are today to get where you want to be tomorrow.  While I’m not one for New Year’s Resolutions, I am committed to setting goals.

This coming January, concludes my first year writing this blog.  What a journey it has been.  I want to thank all of my followers for taking time out to read some of my musings.  This has been a very disparate year for me – looking for love, fighting demons of insecurities, loss, dealing with cancer, re-connecting with family and friends, looking for work, joining support group, volunteer work…the year is ending on  a very positive note for me…finding a great man and steady work have been true blessings.

How about you?  Are you setting resolutions goals for the new calendar year?

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Conversations in my head, heart… trying to be patient…need sleep!

Conversations in my head, heart… I have this knack of making the simple complicated, analyzing things right out of existence, ending them before they begin. I don’t know how to sit back and watch life unfold. I want to give this, whatever it is a chance, kick back a little, and not hold each other up to relentless scrutiny and arbitrary tests. We might actually find some happiness. I get the impression you live life under the bar. You have passion I have felt it sparingly. Let it come out of you. Be more carefree…every day is precious. You live in anxiety, anticipating but never quite reaching out. It’s like you move to a tune in your head, yet you remain motionless in so many ways. I am hoping that I have the time and patience to draw you out…Out of your comfort zone…

Ordinarily my genius equals insanity to many…but in my very lucid moments, always sleep deprived, I am merely stupid in my hasty actions…like thinking that I wanted to let you go before it really even got started. But I won’t. Don’t let me…

You have a way about you – not quite tangible. There’s something that you do to me; something no one sees…It’s the way you make me feel inside. The way you allow me speak so freely, whenever we sit and talk, the way you don’t even move when I caress your face; the way you make me feel so comfortable – opens up a part of me. Ironic how something so scary, so new, can feel so right, so quickly. I hope we can be a breath of fresh air in each other’s cluttered life. Somehow smooth out the edges of our souls. So I will continue to lay here and recall the exact moment your lips touched mine, I could remember repeating in my head, “Do it again and again and again..”. So soft and gentle…until….


Forecast: Chance of Rain…

Just finished watching the movie, “Swinging with the Finkels”‘…and parts of it resonated with me…

“The only real obstacle to man’s inability to commit is man himself.”
“It’s not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility.”

For people who always think the grass is greener on the other side…If you worry about what might be, and wonder what might have been, you will ignore what is…now!

With so many advancements in technology, our lifestyles have been completely transformed. So many choices.  Sometimes when we have so many choices we become restless. We tend to not settle on what we already have or stay satisfied with what we’ve got because we’ll always be wondering about the next big thing. It’s called the grass is always greener syndrome. So many of us tend to think someone else is having a better time elsewhere; we can make ourselves miserable by thinking about the unknown in our endless quest to find happiness. We lie awake at night torturing ourselves over what we should do next, wondering if we are missing something big. We feel we are wasting our lives if we are not doing something more important.

There’s also this sense of urgency, this sense of time and pressure we place on ourselves. Sometimes we feel like we are running out of time and should constantly be doing something greater othwerwise we consider ourselves failures. Then there’s the whole idea that we are somehow special and meant for grandeur; that somehow our lives were destined to be thrilling, adventurous, and hugely successful.

And when we wake up and just realize that our lives are not turning out the way we expected or dreamt…well we find ourselves in crisis, don’t we?!  Perhaps a mid-life crisis. We get depressed; we want more; we get that grass is greener syndrome. We become unhappy, disatisfied, and spend all of our time and energy focusing on what we don’t have rather than counting our blessings. Trust me, I have been there – earlier than I expected in life too; most likely brought about from my illness and having to accept my limited opportunities early on. And I have learned that one is truly not happier on the other side of the grass…the grass is just as green. Focusing on what we don’t have is a definite recipe for disaster. It leads to a miserable, lonely existence and causes us to forget what is most important…the present – the here and now.

As John Lennon once said, “Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans”. So very true!

With so many choices and opportunities available to us, sometimes we tend to ignore what’s actually happening around us in the present. We forget the whole how to be happy; we miss the point of what happiness really means – acceptance, peace of mind, forgiveness, being mindful.

Don’t get me wrong, opportunities are great, sometimes wish I had more, but there comes a point where we need to accept our choices, decisions and our lives. Embrace all that comes along. Definitely go out and see the world and try to enjoy all that life has to offer. But whenever you feel yourself losing focus and wondering what if, bring yourself back to the present, Enjoy the moments today! Happiness to me is no longer about where I live, or the material things I have; it really is simply sometimes about smelling the roses, taking a deep breath, feeling your heartbeat…

All we have is the right now, So let’s forget the past; try not to worry too much about the future; truly find something in each new day that makes us smile even if for a moment. Stop thinking the grass is greener – because it truly isn’t…and without the rain, it will still turn brown….embracing ME!


The power of hugs, smiles, quiet…

Last week was one of the hardest for me at my new job.  Its going on a month since I have started this job and being the new girl has been more difficult than I imagined….trying to fit in, learn new procedures, new faces, new names, etc.  Exhausting.  A little daunting.  All making me a little sad.  And here it is Sunday afternoon already and I am getting a little anxious.  *sigh*

One day last week, after a long commute after work, I was on my way home, and ran into an old friend, neighbor, a ‘what if’ person, gave me a hug…and I could not breathe…and I think it took me a few days to realize that I missed being hugged.  The simple power of a hug…who knew?!  It was a little happiness in an unexpected hug!  “Everybody needs a hug.  It changes your metabolism”  ~Leo Buscaglia

In the past when people tried to hug me, I always found myself to be awkward, boxed in, distancing myself – never fully embracing the other person nor the idea of the hug itself.  But I don’t want to be so closed off.  I want more hugs, I think no?  😉

I tend to be the type of person who is a loner; I get quiet, go inside of myself, guarding against hurt.  I tend to go inside, needing one-on-one time with myself to figure things out, put things in perspective.  I do struggle to put myself out there, but I won’t stop trying.

How do I choose to be happy before anything good happens to make me feel happy?  Ever hear of the Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh?  “Smile five times a day for no good reason.”  Smiling actually produces a biological effect in your body. It sends chemicals racing around your body and actually lifts your spirits. Try this today. Then, every day this week, smile five times a day for no good reason.  Do it standing in the shower. Do it walking down the street, or working at your desk. For no good reason, just break into a smile. Watch your mood change, even though nothing in your exterior has shifted.  Can’t hurt.  This is my goal this week, especially at work.

So in daily struggle to stay true to myself, find some balance, and keep edging myself out of this box of depression, I am going to seek the universal medicines in the forms of hugs, smiles, and quiet…♥


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