Category Archives: Prayer

Excerpt from Narcissistic Mothers

I pray for strength each day in dealing with my Mom.  I love her but its hard.  I spent the day at the hospital with my parents today – my step dad’s sugar level went over 500!  Yes crazy!  After talking to the doctors, and asking my parents questions, I learned that my Mom was not allowing my step dad to use the test strips for the diabetes machine – she consciously kept them from him.  Who does that?!

My Mom has done many mean spirited things I wouldn’t know where to start and I sadly don’t see her evil ways ending anytime soon either.

I surf the internet because I am constantly trying to make sense of her.  And how perpetuate her behavior.

This article just spoke to me.  I understood each and every word because I lived it, I still do.

I do not love; I do not love anybody except myself. That is a rather shocking thing to admit. I have none of the selfless love of my mother. I have none of the plodding, practical love. . . . . I am, to be blunt and concise, in love only with myself, my puny being with its small inadequate breasts and meager, thin talents. I am capable of affection for those who reflect my own world. – Sylvia Plath

Source: Narcissistic Mothers


Narcissistic Mother

This weekend was to be about my step dad and his special birthday.  Last few years have been tough – he was forced to retire, he got sick with prostate cancer, after surgery seemed to be doing a little better then he had a stroke … it has taken quite a toll on him and he has aged a lot and continues to be fragile.   I try to spend as much time with him as possible and I find many little things to celebrate, keep him busy and smiling.

He is originally from Ecuador so today I wanted to take him to this great Ecuadoran restaurant but my selfish, narcissistic mother decides she is too sick to go out, and she goes on and on about how we don’t care about her – since we decided to go out without her. Mind you she is the healthiest 70+ aged person I know  physically; but mentally is an entirely different story.  She wants to stay in her room, feeling sorry for herself, lying to herself and anyone else willing to listen to her.  I refused to allow my step dad to suffer in solitude any longer.  Life is too short.

My step dad and my mother have been married for 34 years. Throughout their marriage, my mom has tried to control virtually every aspect of his life, including what he could say, what he should eat, what he should wear, who he could be friends with — the list goes on and on. She did the same to me throughout my childhood – is it any wonder that I moved out before I even finished HS?!  She attempts to control me throughout my entire adult life, too.

She calls me many times a day to find out where I am, who I am with, what we are doing — and to reprimand me on my behavior.  I help my mom every day, with almost every aspect of her life. She continues to criticize and reprimand. There is no one else who will help care for her, and she has no real friends – although she does talk, really tell tall tales – to her younger sisters living in Florida and Puerto Rico.

All my life, I have always yearned for a normal relationship with my mother and now especially I want us to peacefully and respectfully enjoy our few years together. I love and respect her very much, but I am ashamed to say, I don’t like my mother. I love my step father – especially for putting up with her all these years.  But he does deserve to have some life of his own.  Even if that means having to deal with my mother’s wrath afterwards.  Life is way too short to stop living your life because someone else can’t deal with it.

I find my mother to be nasty, bitter, hateful, argumentative, un-supportive and the meanest person I know.  She’s always been this way, but it’s getting worse as she gets older … or maybe my tolerance of her behavior has shifted.  I can’t talk to her nicely or try to explain my point without her snapping at me and starting an argument.  If you say to her “why are you arguing” she says, “You are, not me”.  It’s always the other person, never her.  You are damned if you talk to her, and damned if you don’t talk to her.  It’s like walking on eggshells all the time.  You never know when the venom is coming.  She talks about people in a nasty manner.  She lies and when you call her on it, she denies it.  She starts trouble with my step dad, me – even my 12 year old terrier.   My three older sisters barely have anything to do with her in the last ten years.  No one wants to be around her because she is so nasty.  Sadly, she is toxic and I have given up hope she will change or see the error in her ways.

So I count to ten, I write, I vent to my friends, I cry and I pray.  I pray that God keeps giving me the strength to deal with her because on those rare moments when I can get her out of her room and she smiles – she makes me so happy.  I cry, I pray, I keep moving forward … with grace in my step and hope in my heart.

 

 


Overthinking Rambling…

I don’t sleep…insomnia is a curse. Sleep has eluded me too long. I can lay in bed for hours, resting my body at least, not doing anything physical, but my head is doing a lot , spinning in circles, replaying conversations with people – over thinking.

Many say our lives are a result of the choices we make. Sometimes, I don’t agree with this. I have cancer, I didn’t make that choice. I lost my fiance and friends to terrorist attacks on 9/11, I didn’t make that choice. I am responsible for how I dealt with these situations. I am proud of how I have dealt with so many negative blows. But sometimes, I allow a person into my life, because I can sense a brokenness that speaks to me. And it is then that I question myself, and am not so proud of the choices I have made. I know if I don’t like my life these days, I need to start making better choices. Trying. I can see the God and the universe taking the mess in my life, and my past and trying to send me a message and now its up to me to take that message and learn from it. But I think I have learned. I want to almost stop learning how to keep rising from misery and just be happy. Live a stable life. But each day that passes, and I do not get better results from tests, better news from my doctors, how can I lead a productive, stable life? I just wish someone else can live my life, at times. I am tired. My head hurts. I am trying so hard to keep a part of me that is safe, at peace. I don’t want the world and the mean, selfish people in it, to make me hard. I don’t want the pain to make me hate. I don’t want that hate to turn into wary bitterness nor change my empathetic sweet nature.

I have been fortunate to have met a beautiful person who has the soul of a living angel. She has become a friend who strengthens me with love, blesses me with prayer, and encourages me with hope. I think I am failing her though. I am more open about what I am going through. She is so quiet. She keeps a lot tucked inside her heart. I wish I could draw her out as she has been there for me.

As for all of those who betrayed me this year, and tried to make me feel small – I forgive them. They have tried to insult me, belittle me, take me granted. I am now learning how to move forward and to forgive myself for allowing them into my life and allowing them to hurt me. Each second of overthinking, brings me one minute closer to perspective, to my life of freedom and hope.

I wonder if Donald Miller had it right when he wrote, “We were made to be distracted by life, by story.” Let’s see what I continue to learn as I edit and alter my life. Trying ….to move on forward…with grace in my step, hope in my heart.


Prayers answered….♥

A few weeks ago, I went to Central Park Women’s Imaging Center for my annual mammogram. They called me a week later informing me I needed to come back immediately for another mammogram, more breast imaging tests and an ultrasound because they had found a suspicious dense mass in my right breast. So I went back Friday for another mammo. The ultrasound tech reassured me she couldn’t find anything.

Last week was a long, all consuming one, where of course, I panicked. I asked everyone to pray! Today, I learned God has spared me once again. I heard the most wonderful words, “ok you can go, all clear. See you next year for your yearly mammo”….

I audibly sighed and wanted to hug those women. I called my Ob-Gyn to see what she had to say. She was reassuring as well. I’ll never forget the date….the heartache, the relief, the joy….so many emotions in one short week. No biopsy needed was music to my ears.

I participate every year in the breast cancer walk, but this year, it will take on extra special meaning and focus. I cannot stress enough the importance of getting a yearly exam. Time is of the essence! I have lost an aunt, too young, to breast cancer many years ago.

The waiting was the worst part. Feeling alone. You start to think about horrible possibilities. I have to admit, I was scared; convinced that my luck had run out. That I had somehow failed. God has spared me so many times that I didn’t believe I would be lucky again. I have lived most of my life sick, performing under the radar.

No more. This is a new year, a new chance at getting it right. I still can’t stop selfishly smiling, praying and crying – all at the same time. I am convinced that God has a plan for me that I haven’t quite figured out.

Telling my friends also helped relieve the stress of worrying about whether I had cancer again. My friends are truly my pillars of strength. Writing here helps tremendously. So a big thank to you to those who read and follow my journey here…thank you for prayers. Just thank you. Tonight I am a big pile of grateful mush.

Praying that many out there are as fortunate as me…getting another chance…life is short. My faith won’t waver. My hope won’t die.

prayer


A very Happy Birthday goes out to the Heavens…

Wishing a happy, heavenly birthday to the funniest, kindest, sweetest, gentlest man I’ve ever known…My father…♥

Today is a hard day for me – I miss my Dad – he would have been 72!

♥ Happy Birthday to my Papi in Heaven. Forever in my heart. ♥
If There Are Roses In Heaven, Will You Send One Just For Me
So I Can Hold It Close To My Heart, Where You Will Always Be
I Will Lay It On My Pillow Each Night, As The Angels Tuck Me In
I Will Know That You Are Near Me, And Feel Your Presence Once Again
I Am Thankful For All The Years, You Were There To Help Me Through

I was down the Jersey shore yesterday and it brought up so many good memories of my Dad and I…

He always allowed us to bury him in the sand

Never complained when we wanted junk food from the boardwalk

Always played skee ball with me… (and let me win)

Loved orange creamsicles just like me

Crabbing

Fishing

All good times…even when it rained, he always found a way to make me laugh.

I went towards his fav place the other day – AC.  And I  passed a few Pepsi trucks early on – so I knew my guradian angels were with me.  *sigh* I miss you…every day…still your lil Indian Princess ♥

It’s so easy to take time for granted, but one day God chooses to take them home. And, it’s harder than words can express. I have such sweet memories of my life with him, memories I will cherish forever…I’m quite sure cake tastes even better in heaven!

For those of you whose fathers are still here are on earth with you – don’t forget to hug their necks tight and tell them you love them – each day.

You were like a rock

Strong, predictable and true

I was your youngest daughter –

Daddy’s little girl

I took my own path

But was still part of your world

I miss burying you in the sand down the Jersey shore

I miss walking on your back

I miss your hugs as your whiskers scratched my face

I miss you sleeping it off on my sofa when I lived near Branch Brook

I miss sitting on your lap as you called me your lucky charm as you beat everyone at dominos,

I miss you driving me and my sorority sisters to concerts…

I just miss you…Papi!

I always loved you

Papi, my Angel

Now my pain is

To worship you from afar

To remember you in pieces…

I love you now

As I did back then

I just hope… one day

I will see you again!

I love and miss you so much, sleep well

and take care of my other Angel who went before you

Forever in my heart xo  ♥

A Happy, Heavenly Birthday For My Papi In Heaven!

If roses grow in heaven,

Lord please pick a bunch for me,

Place them in my father’s arms
And tell him they’re from me.

Tell him that I love him and miss him,
And when he turns to smile,
Place a kiss upon his cheek
And hold him for awhile.
Because remembering him is easy,
I do it every day,
But there’s an ache within my heart
Because I am missing him today. ♥


Blue moon…

Written By Mike Wall – Published August 31, 2012 – Space.com:

A blue moon will grace the night sky tonight (Aug. 31), giving skywatchers their last chance to observe this celestial phenomenon for nearly three years.

The moon will wax to its full phase at 9:58 a.m. EDT (1358 GMT) today, bringing August’s full moon count to two (the first one occurred Aug. 1). Two full moons won’t rise in a single month again until July 2015.

But don’t expect tonight’s full moon to actually appear blue, unless you’re peering through a thick haze of volcanic ash or forest fire smoke. “Blue Moon” is not a reference to the satellite’s observed color.

The term has long been used to describe rare or absurd happenings. And farmers once employed it to denote the third full moon in a season — spring, summer, autumn or winter — that has four full moons instead of the usual three.

‘The next time you walk outside on a clear night and see the moon smiling down at you, think of Neil Armstrong and give him a wink.’

– Armstrong family statement

This somewhat obscure and complicated definition, in fact, is found in the 1937 edition of the “Maine Farmers’ Almanac.” But in 1946, a writer for “Sky and Telescope” magazine misinterpreted it, declaring a blue moon to be the second full moon in a month with two of them.

Widespread adoption of the new (and incorrect) definition apparently began in 1980, after the popular radio program “StarDate” used it during a show.

Blue moons occur because lunar months are not synched up perfectly with our calendar months. It takes the moon 29.5 days to orbit Earth, during which time we see the satellite go through all of its phases. But every calendar month (except February) has 30 or 31 days, so two full moons occasionally get squeezed into a single month.

Though the phrase “once in a blue moon” suggests the phenomenon is exceedingly rare, that’s not quite the case. On average, blue moons come around once every 2.7 years, making them more common than the Summer Olympics, or a presidential election in the United States.

Some years even boast two blue moons. This last happened in 1999, and it will occur again in 2018.

Tonight’s blue moon also happens to fall on the day of late astronaut, Neil Armstrong’s memorial service.   Armstrong, who on July 20, 1969 became the first person to set foot on the moon, died Aug. 25 following complications from heart surgery.

So stargazers may want to keep Armstrong’s “one small step” in mind as they gaze up tonight.

“For those who may ask what they can do to honor Neil, we have a simple request,” Armstrong’s family wrote in a statement shortly after his death. “Honor his example of service, accomplishment and modesty, and the next time you walk outside on a clear night and see the moon smiling down at you, think of Neil Armstrong and give him a wink.”

Couldn’t resist…

Blue Moon
You saw me standing alone
Without a dream in my heart
Without a love of my own
Blue Moon
You know just what I was there for
You heard me saying a prayer for
Someone I really could care for

And then there suddenly appeared before me
The only one my arms will hold
I heard somebody whisper please adore me
And when I looked to the Moon it turned to gold

Blue Moon
Now I’m no longer alone
Without a dream in my heart
Without a love of my own…♥


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