Category Archives: Peace

Echoes of Sorrow …

My heart hurts.  For many years, I have turned down jobs that would have me working back in the Wall Street Financial area of NYC.  I lost the love of my life and friends on 9/11 and couldn’t quite fathom passing the site where the towers and so many lives were destroyed.  

But after 5,321 days – 14 years, 6 months, and 26 days – I find myself working back on Wall Street.  I have to work.  It’s a great opportunity and I am hoping it helps me heal more and keep moving forward.  But today was hard, very hard.  I have been taking a long route to the Path train, avoiding the new WTC Transportation Hub Oculus as much as I can but today I got a little turned around, there is still so much construction near the area – so I found myself on a different side street,  having to pass the Memorial’s teflecting pools.  It took the air out of my lungs.  I couldn’t breathe for a while.  It was beautiful yet so sad.  I didn’t go looking for their names but then I passed one, and then another.  My knees buckled.  And even as I write these words I can’t stop crying. My heart and soul aches.  Chastising myself to grow up, to be strong can’t seem to stop the tears.  I saw a line of people waiting to go into the museum and all I kept thinking is why do people want to gawk at remnants of that fateful day.  I am so confused, so torn, in so much pain.  My thoughts are jumbled, my emotions raw.  I want to scream.  I want everyone to leave.  I want the 2,606 people who perished there to rest in peace.  I am trying to understand.

I am at a crossroads.  All around me are crowds of people, rushing about their day and I find myself glued to the spot where my forever heart’s name is engraved.  I am numb, yet shaking.  I wanted someone to pinch me or drag me away.  I needed to get away.  I could not.

It was all so surreal.  I stopped crying.  I swear the winds spoke to me.  The sun went behind clouds.  And I knew at that precise second, he was there.  Trying to help me.  I felt a calm come over me.  I tried to take photos but seeing them now – all were blurry from my hand shaking.  I can never go back in that direction.  I will never go into the museum.  I will never forget.  But I live the horrors each and every day, I don’t need to see it come alive for me anymore.

I must apologize for the rambling.  I am trying really hard to express myself but I am feeling lost.  My mind muddled like its trying to recall and forget all at the same time. I don’t want to feel so defeated, so lost.

I placed flowers, I prayed, I slowly walked away and then the tears started again.  Leaving yet another piece of my heart there, I boarded the Path with my heart beating so loudly, grace in my step, hope in my heart, tears in my eyes, and a prayer on my lips…missing my forever heart.


Just venting…

Life. Life sometimes really sucks. Period.

Being a divorced, single, childless woman in my 40s battling cancer yet again is just a sad state to find myself in…again.

Divorced Female, Going Bald, Undergoing Chemo and Radiation, Going Through Menopause, Weight Fluctuations, Mood swings…

Oh yeah, isn’t that the first profile you would click on if you were searching for the love of your life or even just a new ‘friend’ online? Dating in itself – or, I should say, finding someone to date – is never easy. Finding someone when you happen to be bald, going through chemo and/or making daily trips to the hospital for chemotherapy and radiation makes it a zillion times more complicated. Trust me, I know. I have tried it. I am not sure why I have tried it but I did. Logically, I knew it was not the best idea. But heck, I guess I am bored, optimistic, stupid?!

Going through cancer treatment can be really tough for a single woman. You may not have a friend or family member who can be there for you like a partner. You may also worry about how a current or future partner will react when they find out you’ve had cancer.

Perhaps the most private scar left by cancer is the damage done to your view of yourself. My self-image is completely distorted at times. I constantly find myself worried if I can ever catch up, keep up or even get going on most days. I wonder how active I can be and even how long I will live. If I ever even allow myself to think about remarrying one day, I obsess about if I should ever involve a partner in such an uncertain future.

In the past, concerns about having children also affected my relationships. I became infertile many years ago with my first bout of cancer. So alone I am.

I have been single most of my life. And I live by this quote by prixie: “Single is not a status. It is a word that describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.”

Yes I am scared. Tired of not having someone special around. But the reality is I am my own person, and if I can’t enjoy being single, how can I enjoy being with someone else?

The most difficult thing for me about going through cancer yet again is doing it single, alone. In the past, I had a much larger, strong support network so I was hardly ever alone. But now I find myself more alone. At a time when closeness is so much more important, I feel so utterly singularly alone. During this time, my treatment, I am trying so hard to be brave and not complain too much. But staying quiet and calm, doesn’t prevent me from being lonely sometimes and longing for someone to hold me at night and whisper that everything is going to be alright. Or even just to take me to dinner, make me laugh, smile and forget about cancer for a little while, make me feel desirable. I have friends who take pity on me and take me out for dinner, and make me laugh but its just sadly not quite the same thing. Sometimes I just so desperately want to ignore the cancer.

Nearly everyone I encounter who has or has had cancer – friends, people at the hospital, family, people in books and on TV – were either married or in a serious relationship when they were diagnosed; or children with caring parents. Not me. I am in the very vulnerable single state and not having someone to hold my hand every step of the way, makes me wistful, if not angry sometimes. But instead of just being jealous of others in relationships with supportive loving partners, feeling sorry for myself, I keep trying online dating. It makes me feel somewhat normal.

Within minutes of posting a new photo online, I had e-mails from men ready to shower me with attention. Of course, most weren’t exactly my type, but you need to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince, right?! lol

I guess I am lucky somewhat … I have had some really interesting email exchanges, but alas have not found the man of my dreams during treatment. Still, dating during treatment restores my self-confidence, reassures me that I am still attractive, and distracts me enough moments at a time. The way I see it, is that everyone is unique and carries baggage of some kind and this is only one part of me, I guess. Just tired today of carrying all this baggage. Tired of my hand dangling alone.

So yes … Life. Life sometimes really sucks. Period.


The Empty Chair…♥

For those who are grieving the loss of a loved one, Thanksgiving and Christmas (especially the “first” of each) can be particularly hard to experience. I know all too well.  Nothing can make these moments easy but prayer has always helped me and can offer a path to walk through these days with greater peace and even opportunities for healing.  The chairs are empty. But the relationships with the people who once occupied them continue on in our shared memories and stories.  My struggle is not mine alone. It is the shared challenge of millions around the world who fight to fill a heartfelt void after having lost their spouse, child, parent, sibling, friend, or worse, a combination of. A dreaded battle, at best. But we as humans come equipped with the greatest, rarest grace imaginable: resilience.  And faith….♥

Dear God,

There is an empty chair at our table, an ache in our hearts and tears on our faces.  We may try to shield one another from the grief we bear but we cannot hide it from you.  We pray for those in Heaven, my Angels…and many more loved ones, whose presence we miss in these upcoming holidays. Open our hearts and minds to the healing and warmth of the light of your presence.  We pray, Lord, and we trust that those we miss have found their place at your table, their home in your heart.  Open our hearts to joyful memories of the love we shared with those who have gone before us.  Help us tell the stories that make present the past and bring us close again to those we miss.  Teach us to lean on each other and on you, Lord, for the strength we need to walk through difficult times.  Give us quiet moments with you, with our thoughts, with our memories and prayers.  Be with us, Lord, and hold us in your arms even as you hold those who have gone before us.  Help us to trust that one day we shall be with those we love when your mercy gathers us together in the joy of the life you promise us.  This is the day you have made, Lord: help us to rejoice in it and in the promise of your peace.
Amen.  ♥  Happy Thanksgiving!!

Faith…Hope…Time…

Peace of mind eludes me lately as problems begin to mount one after the other. Though this is not one of the best periods of my life, I know it will soon be over. Faith…Hope…Time…I know the solution is to tackle one thing at a time. Trying so hard, to just not take all of this to heart; problems always come and go and this will pass sooner than I think.

Faith…Hope…Time…♥


Understanding leads to transformation….♥

“Everyone who terrifies you is sixty-five percent water.  And everyone you love is made of stardust, and I know sometimes you cannot even breathe deeply, and the night sky is no home, and you have cried yourself to sleep enough times that you are down to your last two percent, but nothing is infinite, not even loss.  You are made of the sea and the stars, and one day you are going to find yourself again.” – Finn Butler

Anger clouds the mind

Hatred blurs the vision

Peace clears the mind

Love restores the vision

“I free myself from hatred through forgiveness and love. I understand that suffering, when it cannot be avoided, is here to help me on my way to glory. I understand that everything is connected, that all roads meet, and that all rivers flow into the same sea. That is why I am, at this moment, an instrument of forgiveness, forgiveness for crimes that were committed; one crime I know about, the other I do not.” – Paulo Coelho

Transform your life.  Rewrite your destiny.  I am…

Esthero – Crash ft Jonah Johnson Lyrics:

Crashed down on the floor, hold your breath and fall apart.
You made a simple mistake and now you’re paying for it with your heart.
Some of us make our own beds, but we can’t afford to lay in them.
Remember I always have said you should leave me alone.

‘Cause I don’t wanna crash now I’m afraid, that I’m going nowhere way too fast.
And I can’t hear what you say, I’m in a conversation with my past.
And maybe is wasn’t brave, so much as brazen but it got me through.
And somehow the path that I’ve paved just keeps leading me to you.

But I don’t wanna crash now, mm mm.
I don’t wanna crash now, mm mm mm.

I shouldn’t have been afraid to let you down, I just wanna hold you in my arm again.
If only for a moment I could have you here, lady, I would never let you go.

‘Cause I don’t wanna crash now, no oh.
I don’t wanna crash now, no way.

Come on in the sun,
When you’re scared, and facin’ down.
‘Cause here I am, in front of you, and you will not, be alone.

Keep facing the sun you’ll reach it one day,
Baby don’t look back ’til you get what you need
And you need to be free.
And when the sun rolls down there’s still tomorrow,
Don’t you be afraid to let your sorrow breathe,
Your strength is all you need.

Did you ever know you were the one?
‘Cause I could hardly even tell.


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