Category Archives: optimistic

Moving on …

Today is a strange day indeed. I have received texts from people that I barely hear from … fair weather friends. I don’t have many real friends – and I am okay with this. I responded to each text with a more personal note and they kept it short. It figures. People ask how are you, but they don’t really care, do they?! Understanding other people’s motives is nearly impossible now, for they only offer me specific parts of the big picture. Although useful information may be lurking beneath the surface, I am just not interested in spending my precious time peeling layers of the onion just to get to the core. Instead of looking for answers I don’t have yet, just trying to get through the day and work with what I already know. Trusting my intuition. Finally!! Staying away from other people’s drama. I try really hard not to hold grudges. But I do remember facts …even with my chemo brain. Trying to remember that just because I miss someone, moments we shared, doesn’t mean I need them back in my life. Sometimes missing is just a part of moving on … with grace in my step and hope in my heart.

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Just venting…

Life. Life sometimes really sucks. Period.

Being a divorced, single, childless woman in my 40s battling cancer yet again is just a sad state to find myself in…again.

Divorced Female, Going Bald, Undergoing Chemo and Radiation, Going Through Menopause, Weight Fluctuations, Mood swings…

Oh yeah, isn’t that the first profile you would click on if you were searching for the love of your life or even just a new ‘friend’ online? Dating in itself – or, I should say, finding someone to date – is never easy. Finding someone when you happen to be bald, going through chemo and/or making daily trips to the hospital for chemotherapy and radiation makes it a zillion times more complicated. Trust me, I know. I have tried it. I am not sure why I have tried it but I did. Logically, I knew it was not the best idea. But heck, I guess I am bored, optimistic, stupid?!

Going through cancer treatment can be really tough for a single woman. You may not have a friend or family member who can be there for you like a partner. You may also worry about how a current or future partner will react when they find out you’ve had cancer.

Perhaps the most private scar left by cancer is the damage done to your view of yourself. My self-image is completely distorted at times. I constantly find myself worried if I can ever catch up, keep up or even get going on most days. I wonder how active I can be and even how long I will live. If I ever even allow myself to think about remarrying one day, I obsess about if I should ever involve a partner in such an uncertain future.

In the past, concerns about having children also affected my relationships. I became infertile many years ago with my first bout of cancer. So alone I am.

I have been single most of my life. And I live by this quote by prixie: “Single is not a status. It is a word that describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.”

Yes I am scared. Tired of not having someone special around. But the reality is I am my own person, and if I can’t enjoy being single, how can I enjoy being with someone else?

The most difficult thing for me about going through cancer yet again is doing it single, alone. In the past, I had a much larger, strong support network so I was hardly ever alone. But now I find myself more alone. At a time when closeness is so much more important, I feel so utterly singularly alone. During this time, my treatment, I am trying so hard to be brave and not complain too much. But staying quiet and calm, doesn’t prevent me from being lonely sometimes and longing for someone to hold me at night and whisper that everything is going to be alright. Or even just to take me to dinner, make me laugh, smile and forget about cancer for a little while, make me feel desirable. I have friends who take pity on me and take me out for dinner, and make me laugh but its just sadly not quite the same thing. Sometimes I just so desperately want to ignore the cancer.

Nearly everyone I encounter who has or has had cancer – friends, people at the hospital, family, people in books and on TV – were either married or in a serious relationship when they were diagnosed; or children with caring parents. Not me. I am in the very vulnerable single state and not having someone to hold my hand every step of the way, makes me wistful, if not angry sometimes. But instead of just being jealous of others in relationships with supportive loving partners, feeling sorry for myself, I keep trying online dating. It makes me feel somewhat normal.

Within minutes of posting a new photo online, I had e-mails from men ready to shower me with attention. Of course, most weren’t exactly my type, but you need to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince, right?! lol

I guess I am lucky somewhat … I have had some really interesting email exchanges, but alas have not found the man of my dreams during treatment. Still, dating during treatment restores my self-confidence, reassures me that I am still attractive, and distracts me enough moments at a time. The way I see it, is that everyone is unique and carries baggage of some kind and this is only one part of me, I guess. Just tired today of carrying all this baggage. Tired of my hand dangling alone.

So yes … Life. Life sometimes really sucks. Period.


Perception…

I used to believe that I could read people; get a keen sense of who they really are and their character. Used to be very perceptive. Well, lately, I find myself saddened by the depths of deception of people. And I didn’t see it coming. I used to be able to get a feel for some people before they even say a word. Not anymore – I second guess everything lately. Sad. I need to re-develop my right brain. Still be sympathetic but need to work on my emphatic accuracy again…I used to have that sense.

In a perfect world, you’d never judge someone until you got to know their personality inside and out — you know, the whole thing about judging a book by its cover. This is not a perfect world, however — this is a world where sometimes we need to judge the intentions of a stranger in a split second.

You only have to trust your intuition to know how the people you’re meeting from time to time will affect your fate. I am actively working on being open to the possibilities of mixing my karma with those who cross my path and who may in fact be my soul mates. But I am trying to remain optimistic as well as realistic and am no longer believe that a fireworks display will be the signal for these meetings when in fact it may be a rather quiet and simple experience.

Quietly observing….waiting…


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