Category Archives: Optimism

At A Loss

I am at a loss today. Trying so hard to keep it together. But my heart is bruised, my head hurts, my body aches … I just feel like I am not in control.

I have heard it all before – everything in life is temporary, pain is part of growing, change is necessary, letting go is vital, worrying and complaining hinder and don’t change/solve anything, my scars are a sign of my struggle, each day is a new step going forward, yes think positive, worry less, etc., etc., – yes, I have heard it all before. I have tried to past a fake smile on my face, and not complain much. To NO avail. I am at a loss.

Lately, I find myself seized by panic attacks — I never know when another one might strike. My heart and mind are in constant overdrive, my weight has been fluctuating, and mild sweats are my constant companion. Oh and let’s not forget the insomnia and when I go days without any sleep, I feel like I living in a prison of anxiety, dizziness, and fatigue. Even worse than this constant helplessness is the very real feeling that my life is no longer my own.

I am at a loss. I need to accept that there are many things I used to be able to do a year ago, I can no longer do. I have already lost so much and now having to accept this loss is taking a big chunk out of my confidence and my attitude of optimism. I am tired of all the pithy things people say to me … I have heard it all before.

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