Category Archives: Mother

Excerpt from Narcissistic Mothers

I pray for strength each day in dealing with my Mom.  I love her but its hard.  I spent the day at the hospital with my parents today – my step dad’s sugar level went over 500!  Yes crazy!  After talking to the doctors, and asking my parents questions, I learned that my Mom was not allowing my step dad to use the test strips for the diabetes machine – she consciously kept them from him.  Who does that?!

My Mom has done many mean spirited things I wouldn’t know where to start and I sadly don’t see her evil ways ending anytime soon either.

I surf the internet because I am constantly trying to make sense of her.  And how perpetuate her behavior.

This article just spoke to me.  I understood each and every word because I lived it, I still do.

I do not love; I do not love anybody except myself. That is a rather shocking thing to admit. I have none of the selfless love of my mother. I have none of the plodding, practical love. . . . . I am, to be blunt and concise, in love only with myself, my puny being with its small inadequate breasts and meager, thin talents. I am capable of affection for those who reflect my own world. – Sylvia Plath

Source: Narcissistic Mothers


Narcissistic Mother

This weekend was to be about my step dad and his special birthday.  Last few years have been tough – he was forced to retire, he got sick with prostate cancer, after surgery seemed to be doing a little better then he had a stroke … it has taken quite a toll on him and he has aged a lot and continues to be fragile.   I try to spend as much time with him as possible and I find many little things to celebrate, keep him busy and smiling.

He is originally from Ecuador so today I wanted to take him to this great Ecuadoran restaurant but my selfish, narcissistic mother decides she is too sick to go out, and she goes on and on about how we don’t care about her – since we decided to go out without her. Mind you she is the healthiest 70+ aged person I know  physically; but mentally is an entirely different story.  She wants to stay in her room, feeling sorry for herself, lying to herself and anyone else willing to listen to her.  I refused to allow my step dad to suffer in solitude any longer.  Life is too short.

My step dad and my mother have been married for 34 years. Throughout their marriage, my mom has tried to control virtually every aspect of his life, including what he could say, what he should eat, what he should wear, who he could be friends with — the list goes on and on. She did the same to me throughout my childhood – is it any wonder that I moved out before I even finished HS?!  She attempts to control me throughout my entire adult life, too.

She calls me many times a day to find out where I am, who I am with, what we are doing — and to reprimand me on my behavior.  I help my mom every day, with almost every aspect of her life. She continues to criticize and reprimand. There is no one else who will help care for her, and she has no real friends – although she does talk, really tell tall tales – to her younger sisters living in Florida and Puerto Rico.

All my life, I have always yearned for a normal relationship with my mother and now especially I want us to peacefully and respectfully enjoy our few years together. I love and respect her very much, but I am ashamed to say, I don’t like my mother. I love my step father – especially for putting up with her all these years.  But he does deserve to have some life of his own.  Even if that means having to deal with my mother’s wrath afterwards.  Life is way too short to stop living your life because someone else can’t deal with it.

I find my mother to be nasty, bitter, hateful, argumentative, un-supportive and the meanest person I know.  She’s always been this way, but it’s getting worse as she gets older … or maybe my tolerance of her behavior has shifted.  I can’t talk to her nicely or try to explain my point without her snapping at me and starting an argument.  If you say to her “why are you arguing” she says, “You are, not me”.  It’s always the other person, never her.  You are damned if you talk to her, and damned if you don’t talk to her.  It’s like walking on eggshells all the time.  You never know when the venom is coming.  She talks about people in a nasty manner.  She lies and when you call her on it, she denies it.  She starts trouble with my step dad, me – even my 12 year old terrier.   My three older sisters barely have anything to do with her in the last ten years.  No one wants to be around her because she is so nasty.  Sadly, she is toxic and I have given up hope she will change or see the error in her ways.

So I count to ten, I write, I vent to my friends, I cry and I pray.  I pray that God keeps giving me the strength to deal with her because on those rare moments when I can get her out of her room and she smiles – she makes me so happy.  I cry, I pray, I keep moving forward … with grace in my step and hope in my heart.

 

 


Words…

Words…words…words…

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me!
Do you remember hearing this as a child? How many times did we recite these very words? Countless…. However, over the course of my life, I never realized how wrong that little tune was. As a child, I grew up in a very dysfunctional home. I am still living a nightmare with my bi-polar mother. She still takes no personal responsibility for anything. She continues in her world of blame and ridicule, and her words cut like a knife. It breaks my heart how she treats me, but also my 76 year old step-father. She stops talking to him, caring for him; her silence is deafening and further alienates. I see the light leave his eyes, he tells me his heart hurts. She doesn’t care what her words, her actions, her lack of words do to those around her – only trying to understand, accept and love her. My heart is broken. . I became the pawn between my mom and dad. That is not a very nice place to be. The only other emotion I feel is anger.

I just spent the last two hours crying my eyes out. My mother has been unbearable lately and I just don’t know how much more I can take. My life is just falling apart…I am on the edge, falling; the seams are frayed beyond repair…I don’t see even a flicker at the end…

I am so sick of being a punching bag. There are times, too many – too often, the words that come out of her mouth are appalling. I have been hurt too often and for far too long from my mother. There has always been a small voice deep inside of me that tells me, I need to run away. I know there comes a time in one’s life when you should realize you just can’t help them any longer. I know that time for me is near. I know I need a break, and although I already feel immense guilt, I will have to find the time and strength to cut her out of my life.

Sticks and stones may break my bones…but words can also hurt and haunt me. Sticks and stones break only skin, while words are ghosts that haunt me. Pain from words has left its scar on my mind as well as on my heart. Forever. I am so raw, so tender, even scared. Cuts and bruises heal, but words, words will haunt me…I will remember.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me,” could not be further from the truth. Each one of us has at one time or other been on the receiving end of hurtful words. Make no mistake about it – those painful words not only hurt, they also change us forever. While broken bones can heal in time, words filled with rage, bullying, belittling and scoffing never heal. Even with therapy, time and knowledge – hurtful words remain for a life-time.

“Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions, they become habits. Watch your habits, they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.” Frank Outlaw.

I pray. I cry. I hope.

sticks

words


Makes me think….

Life…everyday life provides a lesson…makes me think…mmt…

I have learned that life is constantly testing us for our level of commitment, and that life’s greatest rewards are reserved for those who demonstrate a never ending commitment to push forward even when times are tough…

I am not sure who said this first, but I firmly believe that sometimes you have to die a little on the inside first in order to be reborn and rise again as a stronger, smarter version of yourself….I know, because I feel that I am getting there myself.

My Mom was admitted to the hospital last night and trying to reach out to immediate family proves to be so disheartening – they are so non-responsive and so quick to judge.  I pray that they come around and actually care what happens to her, to me, to others.  Life is way too short – I am sad that so many in my own family have not grasped this yet.  They hold grudges; they ignore the goodness in others.

Nobody gets through life without losing someone they love, someone they need, or something they thought was meant to be. But it is these losses that make us stronger and eventually move us toward future opportunities for growth and happiness…if we pay attention.

Over the past years I have dealt with several hardships, including the sudden death of my only brother, the death of my father, the loss of my heart and a few best friends to terrorism on 9/11, betrayal from a close childhood friend, and an unexpected employment layoff.  These experiences were brutal. Each of them, naturally, knocked me down and off course for periods of time.  But when my time of mourning was over in each individual circumstance, I like to think I moved forward, evenutally, stronger, and with a greater understanding and respect for life….and a respect for myself…I got lost somewhere back there, but no more.

Times like this only reinforce the lessons I have learned along the way…

I am NOT what happened to me in the past…No matter how chaotic the past has been, the future is a clean, fresh, wide open slate. I am not my past failures. I am not how others have at one time treated me.  I am only who I think I am right now in this moment. I am only what I do right now in this moment.

I try every day to focus on what I have, not on what I don’t have. The important thing is simply to find one POSITIVE thought that inspires and helps you move forward.  Hold on to it strongly, and focus on it. You may feel like you don’t have much or anything at all, but for me, I know I have my mind to inspire me and my writing. And I have realized that’s really all I needed to start moving forward again.

I have learned…

That struggling with problems is a natural part of growing up – part of living is experiencing unexpected troubles in life. People lose jobs, get sick, and sometimes die.

That it really is okay to fall apart for a while – no longer pretend to be strong all of the time, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. I no longer concern myself with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears and to pig out on chocolate.  The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again. And trust me, a smile doesn’t always mean I am happy; sometimes it simply means that I know I will get through the day, and that I am strong enough to face any problems.

That life is fragile, sudden, and shorter than it often seems.  Life and time are not promises.  There may not be a tomorrow – not for everyone.  Sad reality is that right now, somewhere, someone is planning something for tomorrow without realizing they’re going to die today. This is sad but true. So spend your time wisely today and pause long enough to appreciate it – even this oppressive heat and humidity today. Every moment we get is a gift. Don’t waste time by dwelling on unhappy things. Spend it on things that move you in the direction you want to go.  I  know I am.

That at times no matter how hard I try, I will fail sometimes.

That I have the capacity to create my own happiness; to reinvent my life.

That everything that happens is a life lesson.

That I should view every challenge as an educational assignment.

That feelings, people, things change, and time keeps rolling and the sun always rises the next day; The bad news: nothing is permanent. The good news: nothing is permanent.

That giving up and moving on are two very different things.

That distancing ourselves from negative people is essential.

That perfect relationships, people don’t exist.

That we all must love ourselves. – One of the most painful things in life is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, missing them too much, and forgetting that you are special too.

That we shouldn’t allow others to make decisions for us.

That holding onto grudges, resentment only hurts us; forgive people and move on, even if they never ask for your forgiveness. Don’t do it for them – do it for youself. Grudges are a waste of happiness.

That you’re not alone. Everyone has problems.

That there is still so much to be thankful for. Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of brave people who are overcoming it. Sometimes you have to forget what’s gone, appreciate what still remains, and look forward to what’s coming next. Henry David Thoreau once said, “Wealth is the ability to fully experience life.” Even when times are tough, it’s always important to keep things in perspective. You didn’t go to sleep hungry last night. You didn’t go to sleep outside. You had a choice of what clothes to wear this morning. You hardly broke a sweat today. You didn’t spend a minute in fear. You have access to clean drinking water. You have access to medical care. You have access to the Internet. You can read. Some might say you are incredibly wealthy, so remember to be grateful for all the things you do have.

That honesty is still the best policy! It’s better to be hurt by the truth, than comforted by a lie. – You must see things how they are instead of how you hoped, wished, or expected them to be. It’s always better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie.

That there will always be people who dislike you. – You can’t be everything to everyone. No matter what you do, there will always be someone who thinks differently. So concentrate on doing what you know in your heart is right. What others think and say about you isn’t all that important. What is important is how you feel about yourself.

That you are better off without some people you thought you needed. – The sad truth is, there are some people who will only be there for you as long as you have something they need. When you no longer serve a purpose to them, they will leave.

That you can’t control everything that happens to you – only how you react to things.

That you are not trapped; you just need to re-learn a few things and refocus.

That most things in life are two-sided. – There is good reason why we can’t expect to feel pleasure without ever feeling pain; joy without ever feeling sorrow; confident without ever feeling fear; calm without ever feeling restless; hope without ever feeling despair: There is no such
thing as a one-sided coin in life, with which one can buy a pain-free, trouble-free existence. If you find one, please send my way.

That you always have a choice; there are always at least two options. If you can’t physically change something, you can change the way you think about it.

That sometimes you really need to let others in when you’re in a dark place. That it is okay to admit you need someone, some help, sometimes.

That asking negative questions, usually only results in getting negative answers. There are no positive answers to, “Why me?” “Why didn’t I?” “What if?” etc. So stop and swap them for questions that push you in a positive direction. For instance, “What have I learned from this experience?” “What can I do right now to move forward?”

And the most important lesson I have learned is that life was never meant to be easy, it is however meant to be lived the best way possible…as my pal George Bernard Shaw wrote, “Life is not meant to be easy, my child; but take courage — it can be delightful.” So let’s all live life to fullest, pray for those who haven’t learned and for those who no longer can…mm♥


Happy Mothering Day!!

Sure it may be Mother’s Day but I prefer to call it Mothering Day.   I think we all have it in us to be mothering – nurturers of dreams, of beauty and of love.   I am so conflicted today.  My Mother is still alive, but I am choosing not to spend any real time with her nor with my sisters.  I am trying to remain in a good place and all my mother does is put me down.  So many of her comments to me, rip me to shreds, especially on days like this:   “Real women have children”,  “God didn’t think you were special enough to give you children”.  For years, I felt like a failure because I could not have children.  It still hurts.  But I have learned through the years that giving birth does not make someone a mother.  And I have learned that I no longer need my Mother’s approval.  I choose to no longer deal with the drama.

For years, I took to volunteering for children, tried spoiling my nieces and nephew because it filled a void in me.  The neighborhood kids love me – well mainly because of my cute Chili dog.  But I love to see the little faces light up and the things they say – wow – funny.  Sure I may have missed out on a lot by not being able to have my own child, but I know that I have been emotionally touched by so many more children and I hope I have made a difference in one.

Mother — Chef — Chauffeur — Employee — Nurse — Coach — Cheerleader — Tutor — Maid — Secretary — Friend — Happy Mother’s Day to all the women who wear many hats — which explains why we need so many shoes!  🙂
I  know so many great women, Mothers, who never fail to be kind and thoughtful, encouraging and supportive honest and generous… I have been blessed with great friends, great role models.  They have touched this world with kindness and love in everything they do.
So I am learning through them on how to be a woman who knows the secret to happiness…be proud of what you have to give, give with all your love and love with all your heart.
So Happy Mothering Day to all of you women out there, whether you have given birth or not, you are all mothers – let’s continue on this journey paved with gentleness, unwavering faith, forgiving nature, constant love and support.  I know I will….♥

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