Category Archives: Mixed emotions

Healing from abusive parents

Emotionally, today has been a very hard day.  I am the primary caregiver of my sick, aging mother and step father – today they were down right toxic and I could barely tolerate them.  They are so oblivious to my well being and so verbally and emotionally abusive.  I am drained.  Depressed.  Suffering from PTSD.  My anxiety is at an all-time high and now that I am upstairs away from them, I can’t stop crying.

I am working on maintaining peace and keeping my self esteem from hitting rock bottom.  For so many years, I have tried to have a relationship with them especially my mother, but it has been hard and disappointing.  So many times it was painful and upsetting – like today.

I get up early, I run errands for them.  I clean their apartment.  I pay the bills.  I try to be pleasant.  But they were both so critical and demeaning today.  I was too slow, too stupid, too lazy, too fat according to them.  We had torrential rains yesterday and had a leak from the second floor to the first and had to replace some of the drop ceiling tiles.  My step dad was insistent on going with me, caused a scene at the hardware store.  I found myself apologizing to all.  He continued to berate me in front of all these strangers calling me stupid, blind – I was trying so hard to remain calm, not cry.  It made me so sad and tired.  We finally made it back home.  Now I had to write to calm myself down.  Words flow out of me, help me focus on good not the bad.

I decided early in my teens to study psychology.  I really needed to understand how to survive in a highly dysfunctional family, with emotionally neglectful parents.  I know all too well what they weren’t able to give me, how they failed me.  I had tried to talk to them years ago but to no avail,  They were not willing to acknowledge nor understand.  So I kept some distance but the past seven years has me back home helping them full time.  It was a decision I made  with many doubts but I felt I had no choice.  They needed help.  I struggle daily on how to handle the pain that I feel every day when my  parents treat me as if I am invisible and I don’t matter.   

I am a compassionate, sensitive person  Always have been – even to my detriment.  I understand that my parents did not have the easiest nor best childhoods themselves.  I understand how they are selfish and self serving.  I am just trying to put some energy into my own healing.  I continue to forgive.  I know I can’t undo history.  I know that I matter and I am not pathetic, stupid nor weak.  Just breathing, trying to be patient, love my parents the best I can … with hope in heart and grace in my step.

 

 

 

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Share not Sacrifice …

I tend to get so upset with people, especially my family, when they only seem to remember me when they need me. A very wise person told me that I should feel privileged that I am like a beacon of light that comes to their minds when there is darkness in their lives. Easier said than done. But I am going to try to re-adjust my attitude. I am still keeping my distance since I still need respect. There may be times when you just have to love people from a distance. The same wise person reminded me that everyone can’t be in your front row. Its become quite obvious to me that my family no longer needs me – my sisters kids are all grown up. I guess they loved me enough to set me free as well. At least this is a healthier way of viewing things, accepting all to move forward. For a long time, I felt my connection to my family was tenuous at best, strained. And most of the effort was coming from me, one-sided – I see clearly now that I tend to have more vested emotionally in most relationships. Working on this.

I like it when people ask me to help them; often it means that they respect me and my opinion enough to request it, and I appreciate that. Who doesn’t want to feel needed? But when is the relationship is always one-sided – that no longer works for me. I have had to toughen up and learn to be more selfish and set boundaries. I am always willing to help anyone, if I am capable of it, and certainly don’t do something because of what I may get ‘in return’ but there does need to be some element of reciprocity and respect. I used to drop everything instantly to help my family and friends. I have learned that inadvertently I may have caused people to think less of me. When you always say ‘Yes’ without hesitation, they respect you less. Sadly strange I know but learning it’s true. Many may also get the impression that you’ll do anything for them and that they don’t have to do anything for you. It sets up a very unbalanced relationship.

I think there are two kinds of people, those who give and take and those who just want to take. I no longer allow opportunistic acquaintances in my life.

I think the following quote sums up, for me, what friendship means: “I value the friend who for me finds time on his calendar, but I cherish the friend who for me does not consult his calendar.” – Robert Brault

I get lost too easily in the thought of being kind; of turning the other cheek. Too many times, my forgiving heart, my kindness was mistaken for weakness – even I am guilty of doing this to myself. Learning how to find balance and happiness within boundaries and limitations. Learning how to share, give of myself without sacrificing myself. Or losing myself and letting resentment control me.

It’s surprising how much healthier you can feel when you let go, or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going-anywhere relationships, friendships, and family … with grace in our steps and hope in our hearts.


Moving on …

Today is a strange day indeed. I have received texts from people that I barely hear from … fair weather friends. I don’t have many real friends – and I am okay with this. I responded to each text with a more personal note and they kept it short. It figures. People ask how are you, but they don’t really care, do they?! Understanding other people’s motives is nearly impossible now, for they only offer me specific parts of the big picture. Although useful information may be lurking beneath the surface, I am just not interested in spending my precious time peeling layers of the onion just to get to the core. Instead of looking for answers I don’t have yet, just trying to get through the day and work with what I already know. Trusting my intuition. Finally!! Staying away from other people’s drama. I try really hard not to hold grudges. But I do remember facts …even with my chemo brain. Trying to remember that just because I miss someone, moments we shared, doesn’t mean I need them back in my life. Sometimes missing is just a part of moving on … with grace in my step and hope in my heart.


Just venting…

Life. Life sometimes really sucks. Period.

Being a divorced, single, childless woman in my 40s battling cancer yet again is just a sad state to find myself in…again.

Divorced Female, Going Bald, Undergoing Chemo and Radiation, Going Through Menopause, Weight Fluctuations, Mood swings…

Oh yeah, isn’t that the first profile you would click on if you were searching for the love of your life or even just a new ‘friend’ online? Dating in itself – or, I should say, finding someone to date – is never easy. Finding someone when you happen to be bald, going through chemo and/or making daily trips to the hospital for chemotherapy and radiation makes it a zillion times more complicated. Trust me, I know. I have tried it. I am not sure why I have tried it but I did. Logically, I knew it was not the best idea. But heck, I guess I am bored, optimistic, stupid?!

Going through cancer treatment can be really tough for a single woman. You may not have a friend or family member who can be there for you like a partner. You may also worry about how a current or future partner will react when they find out you’ve had cancer.

Perhaps the most private scar left by cancer is the damage done to your view of yourself. My self-image is completely distorted at times. I constantly find myself worried if I can ever catch up, keep up or even get going on most days. I wonder how active I can be and even how long I will live. If I ever even allow myself to think about remarrying one day, I obsess about if I should ever involve a partner in such an uncertain future.

In the past, concerns about having children also affected my relationships. I became infertile many years ago with my first bout of cancer. So alone I am.

I have been single most of my life. And I live by this quote by prixie: “Single is not a status. It is a word that describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.”

Yes I am scared. Tired of not having someone special around. But the reality is I am my own person, and if I can’t enjoy being single, how can I enjoy being with someone else?

The most difficult thing for me about going through cancer yet again is doing it single, alone. In the past, I had a much larger, strong support network so I was hardly ever alone. But now I find myself more alone. At a time when closeness is so much more important, I feel so utterly singularly alone. During this time, my treatment, I am trying so hard to be brave and not complain too much. But staying quiet and calm, doesn’t prevent me from being lonely sometimes and longing for someone to hold me at night and whisper that everything is going to be alright. Or even just to take me to dinner, make me laugh, smile and forget about cancer for a little while, make me feel desirable. I have friends who take pity on me and take me out for dinner, and make me laugh but its just sadly not quite the same thing. Sometimes I just so desperately want to ignore the cancer.

Nearly everyone I encounter who has or has had cancer – friends, people at the hospital, family, people in books and on TV – were either married or in a serious relationship when they were diagnosed; or children with caring parents. Not me. I am in the very vulnerable single state and not having someone to hold my hand every step of the way, makes me wistful, if not angry sometimes. But instead of just being jealous of others in relationships with supportive loving partners, feeling sorry for myself, I keep trying online dating. It makes me feel somewhat normal.

Within minutes of posting a new photo online, I had e-mails from men ready to shower me with attention. Of course, most weren’t exactly my type, but you need to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince, right?! lol

I guess I am lucky somewhat … I have had some really interesting email exchanges, but alas have not found the man of my dreams during treatment. Still, dating during treatment restores my self-confidence, reassures me that I am still attractive, and distracts me enough moments at a time. The way I see it, is that everyone is unique and carries baggage of some kind and this is only one part of me, I guess. Just tired today of carrying all this baggage. Tired of my hand dangling alone.

So yes … Life. Life sometimes really sucks. Period.


I Will Learn To Love Again….

So many thoughts, feelings…words waiting to be written, shared…but the second my fingers touch the keyboard, I feel overwhelmed with emotion. Listening to music, trying to unwind and this song comes on….

“Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent” – Victor Hugo

So letting this song express how I am feeling tonight…

I Will Learn To Love Again

To love again, to love again
To love again, to love again
To love again

Drowning in tears, that won’t be me
I will soon be, free from the chains of all this pain inside
And though I cry it won’t be long
Till I regain my strength to know I can go on

I will find my way through the heartbreak
I will not give up on love, I believe

I will learn to love again, I will learn to trust
Once this heart can start to mend
I will learn to, learn to love again

All of these tears, time will dry them
I will survive them, and make it through into another day
All of this pain, time will heal it
There’ll be a time sometime I know I won’t feel it

I will live through life without you
After the hurting is done, I believe

I will learn to love again, I will learn to trust
Once this heart can start to mend
I will learn to, learn to love again

And I will find someone who deserves my touch
After all the hurt is through, I will be so over you
I will not give up on love, I believe, yeah

I will learn to love again, I will learn to trust
Once this heart can start to mend
I will learn, to love again, I will love again…


Just for a one night…

Long day and I’m ready
I’m waiting for your call
‘Cause I’ve made up my mind
My heart aches with a hunger
And the want that you were mine
No I cannot deny

So for one night
Is it all right?
That I give you
My heart
My love
My heart
Just for a one night
My body
My soul
Just for a one night
(One night)
My love
My love
For one night
One night
One night

When mornin’ awakes me
Well I know I’ll be alone
And I feel, I’ll be fine
So, don’t you worry about me
I’m not empty on my own
For inside I’m alive

That for one night
It was so right
That I gave you
My heart
(My heart)
My love
My heart
Just for a one night
(One night)
My body
My soul
Just for a one night
(One night)
My love
(One night)
I loved
For one night
(One night)
One night
One night

For one night
It was so right
That I gave you
My heart
(My heart)
My love
My heart
Just for a one night
(One night)
My body
My soul
Just for a one night
(One night)
My love
(One night)
Love
For one night
(One night)
We love
One night
One night
One night
(One night)
Yeah yeah
(One night)


Narcissism in the mirror…

I find it incredibly sad that adults feel the need to continually insult, belittle, blame others for their misfortune or unhappiness.  When do people grow up, mature and take responsibility for their own actions and reactions?  These insecure people find it easier to say that other people are the ones with the problem because they can’t look into the mirror and admit the truth….they have issues, they need to admit and work on resolving.

I see myself too clearly at times…and that is why I am alone, happy….narcissism does exist…in the mirror.

I find it sad that these so called adults feel the need to insult to feel empowered.  Their lives are in a rapid spiral downward and they need to hold onto the shred of their dignity.  Yes, these marginalized people insult in order to be empowered…to manipulate.  How do I accept, deal with at times inane insults?  I clean house….I throw out the trash, I don’t allow these people in my life anymore.   I only let sunshine touch my heart and mind.  I block out the negativity.  Now as many of you know I deal with an abusive mother, but unfortunately, I can’t erase her out of my life.  But I limit my contact with her; and only allow positive, caring people in my life.  One negative person in my life is enough.  My reply to most inane people:  “You are so insignificant that I don’t even care to register your words, your inability to apologize let alone to take offense at your insult.”  Yes, loving my life with quality people who know the difference between truth and lies, between acceptance and denial…between growth and immaturity.

Its taken me a long time to understand my mom and her small ways.  She is not happy unless everyone is as miserable as her.  It’s a psychological defense mechanism. They try to make themselves feel superior by making others sad. Doesn’t work, does it? Its always some else’s problem, huh?  The old me, would have tried to help, “fix” these damaged people.  But I have spent half of my life trying to no avail.  I am not responsible for someone else’s happiness.  Only mine.  The old me would have stuck around, been a doormat – thank goodness, no more.

I choose to live my life responsibly, deliciously, deliriously happy…

My way of dealing with negative people:  “Out of my sight! Thou dost infect mine eyes.” – Shakespeare, Richard III

And in the words of Shaw, “The trouble with many is that they lack the power of conversation but not the power of speech.” …so ignore the lies in their empty words.

“Don’t compare yourself with anyone in this world…if you do so, you are insulting yourself.” – Gates

♥ LML ♥  Breathing, moving forward, transforming my life….


Sad day…

“The person who completes suicide dies once.
Those left behind die a thousand deaths,
trying to relive those terrible moments
and understand…WHY?”

My heart is breaking…just learned my cousin committed suicide.  He had been depressed for years, his marriage failed, the economy affected him.  Just so sad.

The death of a loved one is never easy to experience, whether it comes without warning or after a long struggle with illness.  But several circumstances set death by suicide apart and make the process of bereavement more challenging.  I don’t even know what to say to my family, my cousins, his children, his ex-wife.  So shell shocked.

His death by suicide was sudden, violent, and so very unexpected. Having to deal with the police is an added burden now.  So many mixed emotions.  Insane.  Heartbroken.

I found a penny today just laying on the ground.
But it’s not just a penny, this little coin I’ve found.
Found pennies come from heaven,
that’s what my Grandpa told me.
Grandpa said, “Angels always toss them down.”
Oh, how I loved that story.
He said, “When an Angel misses you, they toss a penny down…
Sometimes just to cheer you up,
and make a smile out of your frown.”
So don’t pass by that penny when you’re feeling blue.
It may be a penny from heaven,
that an Angel’s tossed to you.

 


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