Category Archives: Melancholy…

So Much Life After HS …

I have learned some very valuable lessons in my life – as I hope all have by the time they reach the age of 50.  I didn’t have a good time in high school; I attended two very different schools in those short four years.  The last few years, I find myself back home, close to where I went to high school and so many fellow classmates all still hang out together.  Still.  I have no problem with this until they made an issue with me not attending the school functions, the class reunions, etc.  Some remember those years full of angst or full of joy.  My four years of high school was more full of angst and I have chosen to try to put behind me -especially when many of the same people who made my life unbearable in HS tried to make my life difficult 30 years later.  So shame on them.   And to think many of these people now have children of their own.  I pray for them.  I was shy, sheltered by my immediate family, basically an introvert back then and now I like to think I have graduated to an ambivert.  I tend to only surround myself with calm people these days.  I don’t need to loud, crowd filled moments.  I prefer to look at the photos after an event or party then be the life of the party.  I wish more people would respect that some connections and so-called friendships from a tenuous connection from high schools days do indeed have an expiration date.  I attended my 25th and 30th HS reunions.  It was okay.  I learned I still have very little in common with most people there who showed up.  I tried.  I went.  Now I just want to be left alone by that ‘crowd’.

To me, it seems like some people never leave high school.  They are still jealous, bullies, immature, and many busy trying to relive glory sports days or prom queen days.

After attending the 25th reunion, so many of the same people who tried spreading gossip about me in HS invited me out; I went, I am a forgiving person, chalking all those HS moments to immaturity.  But sitting with these strangers around me, and all talking about things I had no true connection to nor memory of, I realized I still had very little in common with this group of tight knit high school friends.  I tried.  I wanted to know what it would be like to hang out with the HS ‘in-crowd’.  As an adult, being invited to parties I never got invited to while in HS, I thought would vindicate me and erase some of those sad HS moments.  But it didn’t.  If anything some get together’s just exacerbated it.

My curiosities were at an all time high, and I tried to just approach by observing, more like an anthropologist than an active participant.  I was learning a little of what it most of been to be popular in HS.  But curiosity wanes.  People show their true colors, and I was sad – but not for myself, but for them.  So many of these people, left high school, married someone from their local area, and settled in the same area or a place just like our hometown.  I couldn’t truly relate back then nor now.  Most of my friends are people I have met outside of high school.  I have a huge family and am close to my cousins, who will always be my friends, my source of home.  And have been lucky to have traveled and work in many different places, so many of my friends are from shared experiences as adults.

I have been busy trying to put those tough awkward years behind me – only to learn that I am still more awkward than not.  Daily, I battle depression, PTSD, body image issues due to cancer and scars, and have never been the social, bubbly, pretty cheerleader type.  I prefer to get lost in the background, in books, in words, in engaging all my five senses by enjoying wine and food.  I detest dieting and never go to the gym.  I don’t feel the need to look perfect nor do I believe in plastic surgery nor in spending tons of money on wrinkle cream or cellulite cream.   I am happy with myself, by myself.  I don’t need validation from many people, especially those from high school who never had my back then or now, and have never walked in my shoes, Jimmy Choo or not.

I have learned that I didn’t allow those four years of high school to fully define me. I haven’t lived there for a very long time.  I never allowed that HS shadow to linger.  Some feelings did arise whenever I get an invitation and then I write posts like this.  But for the most part, I realize that my HS years were hard but it doesn’t hold much glory days.  I was on the honor society, I had my cousins as my friends, and didn’t need much.  I graduated, moved on.  I don’t have that sense of melancholy from those HS days. I see that those HS years occupy a privileged place for many people.  They reminisce and want to relive their glory days.  Perhaps explains Ralph Keyes’s observation in his 1976 classic, Is There Life After High School?: “Somehow those three or four years can in retrospect feel like 30.”

About the only thing I still deal with since I was a teenager is still learning how to be myself, to not lose control and to continually keep learning.

 

So I wish when I chose to RSVP NO that people from high school could respect that and move forward.  And not feel the need to talk about me behind my back … but sadly, we all know that is not the case.  So I try to remember the saying, “What people say about me behind my back is none of my business.” (RuPaul).  They don’t know me, they can dislike me, well dislike what they think they know of me.  And I will continue being me, living my life, with its ups and downs, but me loving myself each day.

Most importantly, it’s my life, and if something doesn’t serve me, I am learning to let it go.  We have no obligation to someone else. When something upsets you, let it go.  And that includes what other people think of you. If other peoples’ judgement is bringing you down, ignore it.  Try to only hold onto things that make you feel good. Other people can make their choices. They can bitch about you and say nasty things. But don’t forget that you have choices too.  So let’s all try to make better choices.  Shaking off the negativity, moving forward with purpose, and looking forward to all the beautiful, positive things that make me happy … with hope in my heart and grace in my step.

 

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Strange Sunday Stirrings…

Such a strange day…stirrings of melancholy!  I don’t understand how I find myself smiling all day long but cry myself to sleep at night. How pictures never change but the people in them do. How your best friend can become your worst enemy, or how strange it is when your worst enemy turns into your best friend. How forever turns into a few short months that you’d do almost anything to get back. How you can let go of something you once said you couldn’t live without. How even though you know something is best for you, it just hurts the same. How the people who once wanted to spend every second with you, think a few minutes of their time is too much to spare. How people make promises despite knowing how common it is for promises to be broken. How people can erase you from their lives just because it’s easier than working things out. 

I know that dreams don’t always have to exist while the sun’s down and your eyes are shut.  So I am not going to stop believing.  I know all too well how over thinking ruins you… ruins the situation, turns things around, makes you worry, and just makes things worse than it actually is.  


Missing my ♥….

Just watched, “Autumn in New York”…and although my love wasn’t lost to me because of an illness, he was taken from me from a worse evil, terrorism.  I miss him each and every second of the day.

I’m looking for a way to feel you hold me
To feel your heart beat, just one more time
I’m reaching back, trying to touch the moment
Each precious minute that you were mine
How do you prepare,
when you love someone this way,
To let them go a little more each day?

CHORUS
The stars we put in place
The dreams we didn’t waste
The sorrows we embraced
The world belonged to you and me
The oceans that we crossed
The innocence we’ve lost
The hurting at the end
I’d go there again
cause it was beautiful
It was beautiful

Some days missing you is overwhelming
When it hits me you’re not coming back
And in my darkest hours I have wondered
Was it worth it, for the time we had?
My thoughts get kind of scattered,
but one thing I know is true
I bless the day that I found you, oh oh …

Gracias, no entendia lo que me sucedio, despues de muchos años recien hoy pude entender por que se me permitio conocer a esta persona que saco lo mejor de mi, y tengo que ser feliz por haberlo hecho….♥

 

 


Sometimes…

Sometimes there is no next time, no time outs, no second chances…sometimes it really is just now or never.

Sometimes when someone exits your life, they are doing you a favor…they leave  an empty place for someone who actually deserves to be in your life…space for someone who really wants to be in your life.

Sometimes rejection doesn’t mean that you aren’t good enough, it means the other person truly failed to see what you were worth and what you had to offer.

Sometimes God has to break us in order to re-make us.  It’s a bend, not an end.  We are all like glow sticks – no matter how we are bent and broken, our light still shines.   (D.Carswell)

Sometimes you have to love people from a distance, and give them the space and time they need to get their minds right, before you allow then back into your life.

Sometimes bad things happen in our lives to remind us to open our eyes to all the good things we weren’t paying attention to before.

Sometimes falling flat on your face, allows you to literally see things from a different perspective.

Sometimes its okay to walk away, to let go of the person who hurt you, who broke your heart, and to move forward and get a new start.

Sometimes tears help us clear our eyes, so we can clearly see the good things ahead.

Sometimes you can be amazed at how you can experience a whole lifetime in a day.

Sometimes we must accept that things go wrong before they can go right.

Sometimes we have to let the wrong people walk out, to let the right ones to walk in.

Sometimes we have to feel weak, in order to know what it’s like to feel strong.

Sometimes you have to be broken, just to realize you will never completely shatter.

Sometimes you have to beat them, drown them with love, choke them with kindness, and cover them with hope.

Sometimes it’s not the person you miss but the feeling you had when with them.

Sometimes you can try your hardest, do everything right, but sometimes people just aren’t worth trying again over and over, and it’s important to know when to let go of someone who brings you down.

Sometimes when people make you cry more than they make you smile, you need to say good-bye.

Sometimes we come into someone’s life not to make them love us, but to let them feel that they are worth loving.

Sometimes good-byes are forever.

Sometimes in our quest to make everyone else happy, we only manage to make ourselves miserable.

Sometimes people disappoint you.

Sometimes people surprise you.

Sometimes there is just poetry.

Sometimes…there is a country song that speaks to you…♥

I’m waiting
Fall into me
Fall into me
Fall into me
A whisper away from changing everything…

 

 

 

 


“In life and love, expect the unexpected…”

How many of you have seen the movie, “Moonlight Mile”?   This is how I have been feeling all weekend into Monday…”I feel like I have been in a place where nothing’s right, where every moment’s backwards, every sky’s without color, without hope…”…so I am sitting here determined not to play games, waste my time nor anyone else’s – no games, only hope…

Some of the quotes / lines from the movie that resonated with me:
Truth is hard
colors wrong styles wrong
guess its where the good ones live
Where have I been – where I went
I went to a place where is nothing right
where everyone hurts
sky is without color without hope
Every moment is backwards
I tried to come back but I got lost
I thought I found home when I found you
“Dear Bertie, You asked me before where I went. And I want  to tell you. I went to a place where nothing’s right, where every moment’s  backwards, every sky’s without colour, without hope. I tried to come back,  Bertie. But I got lost. And while I was gone, I met you. And I didn’t even have  the courage to realize I was home. A wise friend of mine told me “we all have  our homes”, and now I know it’s true. I hope you get this letter, Bertie. I  figure I got 75 chances. Cause if you do you’ll know that in the end, that’s  where I was. I found home, Bertie. I found you. I hope you can find your’s soon.  Get there – as fast as you can. And write me when you do. Love, Joe.”
“I’m sorry,  I can’t, I can’t do this. It didn’t happen. We loved each other, we broke it  off. If I don’t-Jesus, if I don’t say this now, it’ll never-she’ll never be a  part of this. What are we-what are we doing here? I don’t even-I don’t even know  this guy. She-she didn’t even know this guy. What’s he got to do with her? I  don’t-look, you asked me to bring her in the room, and she’s not here-she’s not.  And whatever happens here, whatever happens to this guy, she’s not here. And the  only way that you’re gonna bring her in here is with the truth. I don’t know-I  don’t know what else to say. You just tell me what to say, and I swear, I’ll  try, but if you want her, you got to keep it honest. You have to understand that  Diana had this thing, this way of bringing out the real in people, not just the  best, you know-their honesty. And I guess she’s doing it again now cause there’s  no way I’d be sitting here saying these things I can’t believe are coming out of  my mouth. It was Diana who finally had the courage. *She* was the one who told  *me* that I didn’t want to go through with it. And I guess she’s-she’s doing it  again, cause all of this-all of this is everything that she wouldn’t want. She  wasn’t a bride-to-be. She wasn’t a victim. She was strong and real and messed up  and wickedly honest, just like her mother. And if I sit here trying to paint it  any other way, I… Oh, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I just-I thought-I thought that if  I could just… paint the pictures that you needed, you know, that… that  somehow… that somehow you’d bring these people some peace, finally, and they’d  have their daughter back, or… But, uh… that’s not how she’d wanna be. The  truth is hard. Sometimes it looks so wrong, you know-the color’s off, the  style’s wrong, but I guess it-I guess it’s where the good one’s live…”
With a head full of snow everything makes sense yet it all eventually crumbles into fragmented BS upon sober self-reflection.  Like a drug, it’s all consuming, self isolating, leading to nowhere fast….avoiding….
Only hope…♥

So elusive…Thinking of you…

This minute…this is how I am feeling…

 

Katy Perry – Thinking of You

Comparisons are easily done
Once you’ve had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one, I still got the seed
You said move on, where do I go?
I guess second best is all I will know
‘Cause when I’m with him I am thinking of you
(Thinking of you, thinking of you)
Thinking of you, what you would do
If you were the one who was spending the night
(Spending the night, spending the night)
Oh, I wish that I was looking into your eyes
You’re like an Indian Summer in the middle of winter
Like a hard candy with a surprise center
How do I get better once I’ve had the best?
You said there’s tons of fish in the water, so the waters I will test
He kissed my lips, I taste your mouth, oh!
(Taste your mouth)
He pulled me in, I was disgusted with myself
‘Cause when I’m with him I am thinking of you
(Thinking of you, thinking of you)
Thinking of you, what you would do
If you were the one who was spending the night
(Spending the night, spending the night)
Oh, I wish that I was looking into
You’re the best, and yes, I do regret
How I could let myself let you go
Now, now the lesson’s learned
I touched it, I was burned
Oh, I think you should know!
‘Cause when I’m with him I am thinking of you
(Thinking of you, thinking of you)
Thinking of you, what you would do
If you were the one who was spending the night
(Spending the night, spending the night)
Oh, I wish that I was looking into your, your eyes
Looking into your eyes, looking into your eyes
Oh, won’t you walk through?
And bust in the door and take me away?
Oh, no more mistakes
‘Cause in your eyes I’d like to stay, stay…

 

 


Something clever, wise, pithy and at times melancholy…Oh my!

I am feeling pithy and melancholy…Uh oh – probably not the best combination! But it’s yet another rainy, gloomy day and I am still beyond exhausted, feeling slightly less stupid. I am only responsible for what I say not for what others understand. Life is all about trusting our feelings, taking chances, losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories and forgetting the past.

Best advice in two lines:

  1. Silence is the best answer for all questions.
  2. Smiling is the best reaction in all situations.

And…If you find yourself trapped between your own feelings and what others think is right, always go for whatever makes you happy unless you want everybody to be happy except you.  Trust me – I learned this a little too late in life.

There’s always a little truth behind every ‘just kidding’…

A little curiosity behind every ‘just wondering’

A little emotion behind every ‘I don’t care’

A little knowledge behind every ‘I don’t know’

A little love behind every ‘I hate you’

A little I need you behind every ‘leave me alone’

And a little pain behind every ‘its ok’…

With Memorial weekend fast approaching and summer right around the corner – I am working hard on not gaining weight, just knowledge….♥

Never forget the three powerful resources you always have available to you;  love, prayer and forgiveness.

Received a new Blackberry Bold 4G at work and wow its takes great clear pictures….Let’s all treat life as a class in photography…

Capture every moment,

Enjoy each shot

Don’t miss a frame,

Identify what went wrong and get better with the next shot,

Develop the negative into something beautiful

Life offers a lot of things and challenges…enjoy it!

Remember finding peace is not about being in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work; it means to be in the midst of these things and still remaining calm in our hearts…♥


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