Category Archives: medical anxiety

One day … See You On The Other Side

Where does the time go?!  Why do some things never get any easier with time?  Why does my heart ache so?  Why does my anxiety level just skyrocket this time of the year? This weekend is so hard already for me.  Was in NYC and every time I heard a siren, I found myself nearly jumping off the sidewalk.  Too much sadness in the world.  So much on the news.  Sunday will mark 15 years since 9/11 terrorist attacks.  My life the past 22 years since my brother died in 1994, followed by my Dad’s passing in 1998 and then my fiance’s death on 9/11/2001- has been a long journey of loss, worry, depression, grief, anxiety, failure and slowly healing.  Each death, each loss, each time – something about my life changed and I lost pieces of myself.

Time does not fully heal all wounds.  I may still be broken, and my heart remains shattered…but it still beats and for that I am grateful.  The past few years of heartbreak and loss have also shown me much compassion and gratitude, and strengthened my faith. Some of my fear has diminished and I have more clarity, focus, determination to live fully for them.  I have found some peace.  Grief doesn’t end for me; doesn’t go away…but it does change.  Times like this weekend stir too many memories – good and bad.  Sadly, so many people believe that my grieving is a sign of weakness – but they are wrong.  Some people believe I lack faith – but they are also wrong.  My grieving after all these years is a testament to the love I shared with these men in my life.  The price I pay each and every minute, of every single day for loving them; for allowing their love to be a part of me.  So I don’t care if people think I am weak or mad.  I have had magic in my life and there is still fire in my will.  My brother, my Dad, Michael, my forever heart – they don’t just cross my mind, every once in a while – they live in it.  Always loved, forever missed.  In laughter and in sorrow, in sunshine and in rain – I know they are watching over me… my very own Angels in Heaven… until we meet again.

Grief is my shadow – following me everywhere I go.  Pain is manageable, dulled by my memories.  Ache is constant, made more hollow with sadness.  But then love and compassion fill me with light and hope.  Sunshine comforts me.   Some days I allow myself to just exist, no pressure and I get through it without guilt. I am able to find peace in moments of time, where I move forward, slowly with grace in my step, hope in my heart and smile through my tears.    Just breathing.

This song gets me each and every time … Ozzy Osbourne – “See You On The Other Side”:

Voices, a thousand, thousand voices
Whispering, the time has passed for choices
Golden days are passing over, yeah

I can’t seem to see you baby
Although my eyes are open wide
But I know I’ll see you once more
When I see you, I’ll see you on the other side
Yes, I’ll see you, I’ll see you on the other side

Leaving, I hate to see you cry
Grieving, I hate to say goodbye
Dust and ash forever, yeah

Though I know we must be parted
As sure as stars are in the sky
I’m gonna see when it comes to glory
And I’ll see you, I’ll see you on the other side
Yes I’ll see you, I’ll see you on the other side

Never thought I’d feel like this
Strange to be alone, yeah
But we’ll be together
Carved in stone, carved in stone, carved in stone

Hold me, hold me tight, I’m falling
Far away. Distant voices calling
I’m so cold. I need you darling, yeah

I was down, but now I’m flying
Straight across the great divide
I know you’re crying, but I’ll stop you crying
When I see you, I see you on the other side
Yes. I’ll see you. See you on the other side
I’m gonna see you. See you on the other side
God knows I’ll see you, see you on the other side, yeah

I’ll see you. See you on the other side
I’m gonna see you. See you on the other side
God knows I’ll see you, see you on the other side, yeah
I wanna see you, yeah, yeah, yeah, see you on the other side
God knows I’ll see you, see you on the other side, yeah
I’m gonna see you. See you on the other side

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Frozen With Fear …

I just learned that I have a new phobia – as if I wasn’t a mess enough as is: Pagophobia is an intense, irrational fear of ice and frost. I am irrationally afraid of slipping on ice and breaking something – especially my right arm and hand.  I can’t afford to break it again – it just will never heal.  After three years of being bit by a car, and over of year of mending, rehabilitation, I still only have 70% mobility in my right, used to-be dominant arm.

Wow!  The total number of days between Monday, January 14th, 2013 and Thursday, January 28th, 2016 is 1,109 days.  This is equal to 3 years and 14 days.  I don’t want to lose anymore time, days to being afraid.

I am grateful that I am not completely paralyzed by my fears of falling.  I still manage to get outside, but I get so anxious, uncomfortable, slightly nauseous; I start perspiring, breathing heavier, walk slower …

I have learned that some people with this phobia have it severe.  They refuse to leave their house when ice or frost is outside.  Heard of a person who was so severely phobic that they couldn’t look at ice cubes or ice cream, buy frozen food, venture out in the snow or cope with ice crunch sounds like egg shells and crisps.

pagophobia

Lucky for me,  I still enjoy ice cream, and love ice even in my coffee.   I am grateful for these small pleasures and indulgences.  Life truly is too short to worry about falling … come spring time.

As if I didn’t have enough issues – mentally, emotionally and physically … moving forward … albeit slowly until spring time …with grace in my step and hope in my heart!


Prayers answered….♥

A few weeks ago, I went to Central Park Women’s Imaging Center for my annual mammogram. They called me a week later informing me I needed to come back immediately for another mammogram, more breast imaging tests and an ultrasound because they had found a suspicious dense mass in my right breast. So I went back Friday for another mammo. The ultrasound tech reassured me she couldn’t find anything.

Last week was a long, all consuming one, where of course, I panicked. I asked everyone to pray! Today, I learned God has spared me once again. I heard the most wonderful words, “ok you can go, all clear. See you next year for your yearly mammo”….

I audibly sighed and wanted to hug those women. I called my Ob-Gyn to see what she had to say. She was reassuring as well. I’ll never forget the date….the heartache, the relief, the joy….so many emotions in one short week. No biopsy needed was music to my ears.

I participate every year in the breast cancer walk, but this year, it will take on extra special meaning and focus. I cannot stress enough the importance of getting a yearly exam. Time is of the essence! I have lost an aunt, too young, to breast cancer many years ago.

The waiting was the worst part. Feeling alone. You start to think about horrible possibilities. I have to admit, I was scared; convinced that my luck had run out. That I had somehow failed. God has spared me so many times that I didn’t believe I would be lucky again. I have lived most of my life sick, performing under the radar.

No more. This is a new year, a new chance at getting it right. I still can’t stop selfishly smiling, praying and crying – all at the same time. I am convinced that God has a plan for me that I haven’t quite figured out.

Telling my friends also helped relieve the stress of worrying about whether I had cancer again. My friends are truly my pillars of strength. Writing here helps tremendously. So a big thank to you to those who read and follow my journey here…thank you for prayers. Just thank you. Tonight I am a big pile of grateful mush.

Praying that many out there are as fortunate as me…getting another chance…life is short. My faith won’t waver. My hope won’t die.

prayer


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