Category Archives: Me

People

“People empty me.  I have to get away to refill.”  – Charles Bukowski

Yes!!  I know, I distance myself from many for many different reasons.

I am far too sensitive when it comes to absorbing other people’s energies.  So, I need a lot of me, alone time, to re-calibrate my heart, refocus my mind, and reorganize my thoughts.

This is why I prefer spending time with my dog….he never lies about love.   Unconditional.  No second guessing.

Nothing loses my interest faster than someone lying to me.   I have been known to enjoy real conversations, just not too keen on small talk.

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How Could This Happen to Me

I get lost in words. I live for words. My mind is one jumbled mess of words – some that fight to get out, others hiding in its own secret place, tucked away for the right person to come along to hear them. I sit here with so many drugs cursing my veins, as much as I want to cry the next few hours away, I laugh thanks to my wonderful friends who come to me in the form of real-life angels. They send me funny texts, uplifting – even reminding me how beautiful I truly am. I wanted to write, write and some more – take some of the words in my head and put them to concrete thoughts but just can’t get passed mere rambled thoughts. So I listen to music. I tune out the world. Trying to be oblivious to all. Sometimes I succeed. Music can be so very therapeutic. Here is a great song that captures my feelings right now….

“How Could This Happen To Me”

I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight

And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me …


Reunited…and it feels so good.

Reunited…and it feels so good. Yes! Finally! Yesterday was a great day…a day all about ME. I was funny, charming, silly, impulsive…I felt alive, like I didn’t have a care in the world. And for a few blissful hours, I didn’t. I made my usual Saturday night plans for dinner then movie…and found myself dancing the night away into the wee hours of the morning. I have not felt this free in years. It was fantastic. I was surrounded by good friends – the non-judgmental ones; friends who want nothing tangible from me except friendship. Being the oldest in the night club and not being comfortably dressed, did not deter me from having a great time. I felt at peace, even beautiful. I have realized that it has been way too long since I have completely, and literally, let my hair down.

“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

The most important decision of your life, the one that will effect every other decision you make, is the commitment to love and accept yourself. It directly affects the quality of your relationships, your work, your free time, your faith, and your future.

I go out, and am usually worried about parents, dog, money, having to get up early to do things for others. I am usually so sleep deprived that I tire way too easy.

Yesterday, my Saturday started like most other Saturdays…buying the paper for my Dad, getting pastries, fresh bread for my parents, walking the dog, going into NYC for some volunteer work. I should have known it would be a great day…one of the young cancer patients I counsel, is actually showing such remarkable progress. Hope, faith…praying.

Trains were on time. I was actually only two minutes late for my much needed hair coloring appointment. Such a relaxing time at the salon. Learned one of the young ladies at the salon got engaged, met her new fiance, and her ring was a beauty. Love, hope…wistful.

Although, I was tired…I was determined to have a few hours of just pure enjoyment. Dinner was stress-free, conversations easy and flowing. Movie was sweet, funny. When we found ourselves not wanting the night to end, we decided to find a dance club. Although, most clubs are packed with the 20 something crowd, we were not deterred. We were on a mission to let the music just carry us away. I felt alive again. It was like stripping off several layers of paint from an antique piece of furniture. I found myself restored to my original beauty of life, full of joy. Not caring if I looked old, silly – allowed me to feel alive and I could abandon all those inhibitions. I just felt like the old me. Living in appreciation.

Most days, I tend to reminiscence, and live in the past. Missing the men in my life, lost to me too early. Suffering comes from living in the pain of the past or the fear of the future. That is not living. My fiance, who passed away, would not want me to be alone, wallowing in what ifs. I am determined to continue placing attention on the present moment and be at peace. Lately, I am trying so hard to live in the present.

Focusing on me…on loving myself more. True self-love requires time to relax, play, and create face-to-face interaction with others. Our fast-paced world creates a goal setting, competitive craziness that doesn’t leave room for play. A doctor once said, “The opposite of play isn’t work, it is depression.” Yes, I feel like I have lost too many years as it is. I refuse to live in shadows anymore. Letting go of negative people, judgmental people, lying people, and dramatic people. Trying to stay true to myself. Love myself. Put myself first. No more self-neglect.

The past few weeks, pre-spring cleaning, has also found me cleaning out my closets. I have gained a lot of weight the past couple of years. And although I have to lose some for health reasons, I am embracing my new curves. I never thought the clothes hanging in my closet were symbolic in any way. But they are. Having clothes that no longer fit me, made me feel bad. Made me feel unworthy and just plain fat. No more.

So, there you have it. My new clothes, less clothes in the closet. A few hours of pure fun. A few hours of pure selfishness. My new return to finding ME. My new determination to not forget myself again.

Yes, reunited…and it feels so good….singing…♥


Narcissism in the mirror…

I find it incredibly sad that adults feel the need to continually insult, belittle, blame others for their misfortune or unhappiness.  When do people grow up, mature and take responsibility for their own actions and reactions?  These insecure people find it easier to say that other people are the ones with the problem because they can’t look into the mirror and admit the truth….they have issues, they need to admit and work on resolving.

I see myself too clearly at times…and that is why I am alone, happy….narcissism does exist…in the mirror.

I find it sad that these so called adults feel the need to insult to feel empowered.  Their lives are in a rapid spiral downward and they need to hold onto the shred of their dignity.  Yes, these marginalized people insult in order to be empowered…to manipulate.  How do I accept, deal with at times inane insults?  I clean house….I throw out the trash, I don’t allow these people in my life anymore.   I only let sunshine touch my heart and mind.  I block out the negativity.  Now as many of you know I deal with an abusive mother, but unfortunately, I can’t erase her out of my life.  But I limit my contact with her; and only allow positive, caring people in my life.  One negative person in my life is enough.  My reply to most inane people:  “You are so insignificant that I don’t even care to register your words, your inability to apologize let alone to take offense at your insult.”  Yes, loving my life with quality people who know the difference between truth and lies, between acceptance and denial…between growth and immaturity.

Its taken me a long time to understand my mom and her small ways.  She is not happy unless everyone is as miserable as her.  It’s a psychological defense mechanism. They try to make themselves feel superior by making others sad. Doesn’t work, does it? Its always some else’s problem, huh?  The old me, would have tried to help, “fix” these damaged people.  But I have spent half of my life trying to no avail.  I am not responsible for someone else’s happiness.  Only mine.  The old me would have stuck around, been a doormat – thank goodness, no more.

I choose to live my life responsibly, deliciously, deliriously happy…

My way of dealing with negative people:  “Out of my sight! Thou dost infect mine eyes.” – Shakespeare, Richard III

And in the words of Shaw, “The trouble with many is that they lack the power of conversation but not the power of speech.” …so ignore the lies in their empty words.

“Don’t compare yourself with anyone in this world…if you do so, you are insulting yourself.” – Gates

♥ LML ♥  Breathing, moving forward, transforming my life….


Each day…bring meaning to your life…♥

I have been working for a little over a year now, have tried dating again, meeting new people – what I am learning each and every day is that I am really looking for more.  I meet so many people that just go through the motions of their lives, they seem content with the routine.  I am so different – I have been so impulsive in the past mainly due to the death sentence that hung over my head with the cancer diagnosis.  But with gift of a day, I am trying to be more grounded, stable but I still have this sense of joie de vivre.  I am still impatient, impulsive but am working on it.

I see many people at work who just do the bare minimum.  I can’t – I want to learn, grow, be challenged.  Even when the day’s tasks are boring, I try to teach myself one thing a day – even if it’s just a new word, a new shortcut in Microsoft software.

I continually learn that you don’t go out to find meaning in life, you bring meaning to your life!  Meaning isn’t something out there waiting for you to discover. The meaning of your life is what you infuse it with – beauty or ugliness, happiness or sadness. It is totally your choice, and God wants it to be your choice because God gave you free will.

So many people keep telling me I look better these days, my smile is ever present.  But other people tell me how much weight I have gained; my Mom and her friend have called me ‘fat’.  I understand that in either case, it is just words – but words still hurt – at any age.  I have been totally inactive for years.  And even with my being back to work the past year, after the car accident this past January – I have been totally inactive again.  I am trying to get up, out and about more.  I am hoping with the warmer weather, I will be able to walk more and gradually lose some weight.  Need to get back to eating better, caring more about myself.

I have been a little happier.  I have finally rid myself of those people who were just selfish and using me.  I keep the negative people at a distance.  And just keep moving forward.  Sometimes you need to distance yourself from people. If they care, they will notice. If they don’t, you know where you stand. And you can save yourself some heartbreak and sadness.

And I am going to take the advice a friend offered recently – “Eat like a queen in the morning, a princess at noon, and a peasant at dinner”.

And I will continue on my path to learning, experiencing new things.  Key in life is to live the questions…If you ask questions, then you are never lost…If you ask questions, you will find deeper meaning in the world…and hopefully with most of my health woes behind me, I need to accept that scars remind us where we have been – they do not have to dictate where we are going…

I plan to keep working on having the life I want, the one I deserve.  I need to work on following my own dreams.  Read an e-book recently by Jonathan Mead and love this quote, “This is a declaration of authenticity, an act of spontaneity, and a call to live deliberately.”  ♥

Living deliberately how I choose to live my life and will focus most of my energies on my journey.  I absolutely cringe at the thought of having life happen TO me as opposed to actively creating the life I want, the life that will make ME happy….each and every day, strive to do something spontaneous and just  for myself.  Try it….♥


Embraced by the light…joie de vivre…♥

So…another Wednesday, another morning at occupational therapy….no pain, no gain – HA!

I ran into someone I knew from HS – well, my therapy building is near my old stomping grounds – not far from our High School.  We stopped for coffee afterwards, chatting, catching up – and she made me cry…not maliciously – but nonetheless…felt more like support therapy rather than occupational, physical therapy – maybe both are needed in tandem.

I walked away replaying parts of the conversation and feeling grateful.  She said to me that there is a light about me, that draws people to me….that its probably because I have been through so much and am very grateful, appreciative and that people pick up on this and just want to be near me.  She said I was full of joy and my smile radiates.  I was like wow, really??!!   Hmmm….

All I know is that I am trying really hard to de-clutter my life.  Stay away from drama and negative people.  Life is definitely way too short to be dragged down by someone else’s nonsense.

When you have lost your faith and freedom for years, you get this incredible urge to cut away all the fears and expectations – and just experience life for all its worth. I want to believe that I am open…open to whether you want to hurt me, or love me…I don’t care. I just don’t want to hear that I have to wait, that I can’t, or shouldn’t…I just want to LIVE – live without boundaries.

I don’t expect many to ever fully understand what I am going through, what I am feeling, why I do some of the impulsive things I do. You know what losing someone that I loved deeply has taught me? That it takes a brush with death to get your priorities in order. And then one day if you are lucky, you wake up and realize it was worth every minute of pain that you had to endure…just to learn how to live again. That is where I am at – learning how to live again….each and every day I have to remind myself of this.

I vowed to never again allow anyone or anything get me so down, so lost that I had to second guess everything.  Life is way too short.  When we’re after more out of life, when we’re looking for the depth and satisfaction few even know exist, sometimes the disappointment is as deep, as the joy. I can’t just lie down and give up. I know the real satisfaction comes from trying, from living to the fullest. My ramblings, my beliefs, my hope…

On my forever quest to somehow smooth out the edges of  my soul…faith – hope – love – promise…♥  Embracing my own light….embracing me…joie de vivre!

“Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.” – Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet


Ah…Eternal love…& wise words from SATC…

I just spent the last two hours on the phone with a not so old friend, a co-worker in Dallas.  And after we hung up, I feel lighter…this overwhelming warm feeling like we just became good old friends.   Its nice to learn who is there for you during the good and bad times…for better or worse literally.   I don’t have a lot of friends, but I know I have the right, best friends for me…and maybe Mr. Big was right when he said, “You’re the loves of her life, and a guy would be lucky to come in fourth”…

Any guy who claims to love me will have to be accepted now by my friends.  I not totally trusting myself these days.  But I am glad that I recognize things happen for a reason and I just saved myself a lot of further heartbreak by actually allowing things to fall into place and follow my gut at least the second time it screamed.  Sometimes, you can’t keep giving people chances.

I am not settling ever more…I am resilient…my bones will heal, my heart will mend…And I will always keep my promise to myself and no truer words have ever been gushed by Bradshaw on SATC:  “I’m looking for love,” gushes Carrie, “real love, ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.”  Yup….me too…

I will remain hopeful…♥

Eternal Love

Eternal Love

 

 


Monday Ramblings…

I survived a very manic Monday indeed…and in surviving, I came to the conclusion that I don’t want everybody to like me.  I don’t…because there’s no way to be real and have everybody like you.  When you’re true to yourself and do what you want, some people are bound to get pissed off.  I am sure you all have heard the expression, “If you try to please everybody, you please nobody”.  Well lesson learned yet again…the hard way.  When you’re trying to please other people – When you’re trying to make people like you – When you’re reacting to others – all you are accomplishing is not staying true to yourself.

Thing is: there’s no reason to want everybody to like you. Do what you want and let whatever happens happen. Some people will love you. Others will hate you.  And you know what?  That’s fine.  I want real interactions, real connections instead of trying to please everybody.  Because every time you don’t do what you want, every time you censor your inner being, a part of you dims inside.  Every time you doubt yourself and don’t do what your heart so desperately urges you to do, you become more numb. Desensitized. Lifeless. That magical twinkle in your eye dims and you settle.  Well – no more settling.  Yelling it now – NO MORE SETTLING!

Doing what you want doesn’t mean being a *insert rude expletive of choice*.

…because being mean, being obnoxious, being rude, being selfish – all those nasty things that might be confused with “doing what you want” – are just convenient misinterpretations.

Doing what you want in order to get approval isn’t really doing what you want. It’s buying into other people’s story. Same thing goes for trying to control other people. For trying to be superior.

“I don’t want everyone to like me” is vastly different to “I want everyone to not like me”.

Indifference and contentedness is vastly different to living in reaction, living for others.

This is about staying true to yourself.

It’s easy to see the “do what you want” as a selfish attitude but when you really do what you want, when you live from your deepest inner being, you’re tapping into and accessing the source of all compassion. When you are true to yourself and connect to your deepest being, you see the humanity in everybody and experience life itself, and express and share that with all around you.

Being Real is connecting to and expressing your deep desire to live.

Undiluted. Pure bliss. Expressed through true right action, true self expression.

No more censoring who you are.
No more reaction and approval seeking.
No more self doubt or anxiety.
No more fake communication.
No more living for others.

…just pure undiluted genuine authentically unapologetic real raw expression.

Do what you want and Be Real.

Stay true to yourself.  Always.

One thing I’ve learned about myself is that I have a very low- to-no tolerance for bullshit and insincere people.

I can’t stand facades. People tend to put up fronts because they want to be perceived a certain way, they want you to think highly of them, respect them, and maybe even admire them. Sometimes they build up facades because they’re just scared of being judged or hurt by you. They built up these fronts to represent themselves because deep down, they are flawed individuals in one way or another.

The thing is, I like people a lot more when they acknowledge their flaws, rather than hiding them. For me, when people open up to me, it’s wonderful. The friendships I have where people are perfectly candid and show me their true selves, exposing their feelings regardless of how vulnerable that makes them, are the friendships I value most.  I appreciate genuine sincerity in people.  If you can acknowledge that flawed part of yourself you don’t like, it demonstrates a certain strength of character that is not evident when you mask yourself. It makes you more human to me, and helps me accept your flaws.

People are more beautiful when you accept them for what they really are. Flaws make us human, and struggling to overcome those flaws make us even more so. But one crucial step to growing as a person is to not lie to yourself. Sharing who you are without reservation with another person is as intimate as you can get, in my opinion.

I used to feel sorry for some people who felt the need to pretend.  Now seriously – step away.  So you posers out there who manipulate, try to say what you think others want to hear, please stay away from me.

To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.  Love yourself for all the good that you see and accept your flaws and the fact that you are imperfect. This does not mean that you do not learn to change from your shortcomings; instead, you are being gentle and kind to yourself despite all your “flaws”.  Look in the mirror and fall in love with the reflection that is You.

I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it — I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes.

However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me.  I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me.

I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am OKAY!

“When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.” -African Proverb

Sometimes we judge ourselves pretty harshly. We blame ourselves for things we have absolutely no control over. We criticize, berate, and even disparage ourselves, treating ourselves far worse than we’d ever treat other people.

It’s just all too easy to hold ourselves to high standards, and then get frustrated if we fail to meet them. I know I have done this before, and, at the risk of sounding defeatist, I know I will do it at some point again.

I believe that in much the same we will inevitably have conflicts with other people, we will also go through times when we’re not kind and loving to ourselves.

Perhaps the key to silencing the enemy within is accepting that it is there–that we all possess both darkness and light within us–and then learning to create a higher ratio of self-affirming to self-diminishing thoughts. Maybe the goal shouldn’t be to always be positive, but to recognize when we start being self-critical so that we can shift our thoughts more quickly and effectively with each internal struggle.

In a perfect world, we would always know the perfect thing to do and say, and we’d instinctively always do those things. Maybe some people do. But I can’t speak for them, because I sometimes struggle.

What helps me is to focus on progress, not perfection–to forgive myself when I’ve gotten negative, and then start fresh – clean slate.

Today if you get down on yourself, remember: You’re doing the best you can, and you have the power to choose, right now, that your best is good enough.  And we don’t need  everybody to like us.  BE TRUE TO YOURSELF!

Undiluted, uncensored…Just T…♥

 


Sometimes…

Sometimes there is no next time, no time outs, no second chances…sometimes it really is just now or never.

Sometimes when someone exits your life, they are doing you a favor…they leave  an empty place for someone who actually deserves to be in your life…space for someone who really wants to be in your life.

Sometimes rejection doesn’t mean that you aren’t good enough, it means the other person truly failed to see what you were worth and what you had to offer.

Sometimes God has to break us in order to re-make us.  It’s a bend, not an end.  We are all like glow sticks – no matter how we are bent and broken, our light still shines.   (D.Carswell)

Sometimes you have to love people from a distance, and give them the space and time they need to get their minds right, before you allow then back into your life.

Sometimes bad things happen in our lives to remind us to open our eyes to all the good things we weren’t paying attention to before.

Sometimes falling flat on your face, allows you to literally see things from a different perspective.

Sometimes its okay to walk away, to let go of the person who hurt you, who broke your heart, and to move forward and get a new start.

Sometimes tears help us clear our eyes, so we can clearly see the good things ahead.

Sometimes you can be amazed at how you can experience a whole lifetime in a day.

Sometimes we must accept that things go wrong before they can go right.

Sometimes we have to let the wrong people walk out, to let the right ones to walk in.

Sometimes we have to feel weak, in order to know what it’s like to feel strong.

Sometimes you have to be broken, just to realize you will never completely shatter.

Sometimes you have to beat them, drown them with love, choke them with kindness, and cover them with hope.

Sometimes it’s not the person you miss but the feeling you had when with them.

Sometimes you can try your hardest, do everything right, but sometimes people just aren’t worth trying again over and over, and it’s important to know when to let go of someone who brings you down.

Sometimes when people make you cry more than they make you smile, you need to say good-bye.

Sometimes we come into someone’s life not to make them love us, but to let them feel that they are worth loving.

Sometimes good-byes are forever.

Sometimes in our quest to make everyone else happy, we only manage to make ourselves miserable.

Sometimes people disappoint you.

Sometimes people surprise you.

Sometimes there is just poetry.

Sometimes…there is a country song that speaks to you…♥

I’m waiting
Fall into me
Fall into me
Fall into me
A whisper away from changing everything…

 

 

 

 


Living and working…

Ah Mondays always take on different meanings for me.   Today it’s all about will I be able to work during my chemo treatments.  This is where I find strength I didn’t know I had and have to keep adopting my inner Divatude!

I am realizing from chatting to others, many people can work during their chemotherapy treatment.  It depends on the person.  Right now I am having very few noticeable side effects.   Besides being late every once in a while to go in for treatments and being tired, I can work through it.  Other people really need to take a break from the stress of their work life. And I think, in part, the decision is personal one, in addition to a medical one. It is rare for the chemotherapy itself to produce side effects that would make it impossible to keep working.  Sometimes it does — some people have their own reaction, and if so then that needs to be managed — but it isn’t a common thing, and most people can keep working if they want to.  So here I am getting ready to go into work.  

So far, I feel very fortunate to be able to continue working, since it really helps to keep my mind off of my illness and dwelling about my condition.  I still have to tell my boss about my illness but that comes after next week when we can talk face-to-face in Dallas.  But I will keep it a secret from others.  I learned how to actually put some makeup on to hide the dark circles and redness, and will use my clothing to hide the weight changes I am going through.  Right now, the worst looking thing are my nails – they are a mess; breaking off.  They hurt.  I wish I could just wear gloves 24/7 to hide them.  *sigh*

I need to keep reminding myself that all these changes are temporary.   Temporary!

I know all of this sounds shallow but keeping my appearance up is good for my morale.  I would love to hear compliments.  And get some positive attention.  I usually shrink away from that – but am realizing that it will do me some good this time.  It is easy to dwell on how horrible I feel or look when my skin and hair texture is changing, feeling nauseous, and so tired.  So trying to look normal, even having fun with my look really helps.   I am hoping that it also helps people around me who know what I am going through.   If they see me coping and doing ok, maybe they won’t pity me or feel uncomfortable around me.  They will be less afraid of the illness and treatment.   Here’s to hoping…


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