Category Archives: Falling in love

Size Matters …

Most of my life, I have only been attracted to tall men.  Yes, I know – what woman isn’t?! But for some reason – just today, I swear today as I find myself yet alone this gorgeous weather weekend and watching how my step Dad treats my Mom after 35 years of marriage, I truly admit to myself I do not want to be alone.  Being alone in the hospital, being alone in bed, being alone in line, always alone is not how I want to live my life anymore.  Sure I am okay alone, but who wants to be just okay??

It also dawned on me, after having an hour long conversation with a nice, shorter man that I have been guilty of perpetuating the stupid stereotypes that pervade our society and way of thinking for far way too long.  Being obsessed with height — in a way that I would never obsess about any one of their other qualities — has been bad for me, bad for my dating experiences, and reinforces a society that says physical traits we can’t control are more important than who we really are.  If I want to truly find someone willing to accept and love me -warts and all – then I need to do the same … somehow.

Height was always one of those inane deal breakers, for me.  I never minded what a man did to earn a living, as long as he was hard working, honest, dependable, stable.  I never minded what kind of car a man drove.  I never expected a man to buy me jewelry or take me to expensive places.  It never mattered to me what religion a man was as long as he was spiritual, caring, kind, thoughtful, empathetic.

But that towering look, that false sense of security I would have walking next to a tall man  – is just that – false.  I get it.  I was surrounded by tall men growing up – at my 5’2″ that is an easy thing to accomplish.  My grandfather, my Dad, my brother, my favorite male cousins all were 6 feet or taller.  They made me feel safe, so I equated that with their height.  I need to rethink this.  Sure, I thought I was most attractive when I look itty bitty compared to my male partner.  But really, should this matter?  How superficial is this really coming across?

I need to re-evaluate my thoughts on the ideal man – for me, myself.  I truly want someone who is confident, a man who is secure in his own skin (and height), who shows they can handle unfamiliar people or situations.  A man who actually listens – hears what I am saying, takes the time to understand me, and makes time for me.  A generous man would be ideal – and I don’t mean springing for dinner at a four-star restaurant – I crave his willingness to give his time and lend an ear and a helping hand or two.

I have learned that I want a man who is intelligent – and I don’t mean he needs to have a degree or two, or MD after his name – want a worldly, interesting man – a take-charge type; a problem solver, a man who is always trying to learn; improve, means to me, never boring.  Intelligence is sexy!  I need to know they are passionate about things. When a man, heck a person for that matter, is passionate about something, anything – their face lights up – it’s proof that they care for and about something beyond themselves.  That is contagious. It’s inspiring to me and lets me know that he is living a life he loves.  Oh who doesn’t need a sense of humor?!  Being able to laugh at the stresses of this world is a must.  My life is harsh reality at best – so I truly need to let my hair down and just cry laughing.

Yes, so many real tangible qualities I am looking for in a man – his height should not be the deal breaker.  I am going to recite this to myself each and every day.

I know what I want, deserve – now I just have to find some time and make a real effort in finding it.  I want that hand holding, caress of the face, sit next to each other watching TV kind of life … in search of my lobster … with grace in my step and hope in my heart …

.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Linger …

Today …  a very new friend of mine is traveling from NYC to Iceland for 14 days and I find myself obsessed with the very thought of him lingering in my mind, in my thoughts, in my random smile.  As I write, think on this, I hear the song, “Linger” by the Cranberries. Signs are everywhere, if you keep your mind and heart open to them.

I always tend to attempt dating each and every summer … and those months starting with the letter J!  Being June already is no different.  What is different is actually believing this may be a real possibility of me finding myself again, of falling in love – that I won’t get bored, distracted, jaded, disillusioned, overwhelmed.  I won’t make excuses, and go back into hibernation.  I am nearing the end of my 40s and I don’t plan on being alone.  I owe it to myself, and to my Michael’s forever love for me to keep moving forward, accepting love, and no more settling.

We all wish to be wanted, desired – I can easily admit that I need it.
We all want to be understood –  I will no longer settle for less.

I have had so many people I love die way too young.  I want to live with purpose, live more fully for them as well as for myself.  Life moves too fast.  In a blink, you can have it all and lose it all as quickly.

This week, I find myself more alive, carefree.  Wanting … wanting not to be alone.

Longing to be held by strong arms. Feel my fingers entwined with another’s.

Living to anticipate a kiss that takes my breath away …  again.
Looking forward to staying awake until the sun rises.

I want to slow down and listen, breathe it all in.

I want to stare into his eyes, get lost in reliving the moments.

I want to be free to be me around him.
I will sit quietly and wonder if he dares to let our lips linger without fully kissing, breathing me in and holding me tight.

I wish time could stop … I wish I could stop time –  so we can linger.
An honest life is made of moments of both good and bad – I fully understand this.  But right this minute, this instance, this small moment in time, I want my conversations with him to linger … and when I sigh, I want him to sigh.

Is this all too much to wish upon? No – already our conversation linger on my lips …  as always with grace in my step, hope in my heart, smile on my lips …

 

 

 


Woman of a Certain Age …

Watching the movie, “Something’s Gotta Give'” and it dawned on me that this could be my life story … well minus the beautiful beach house, the daughter, the fabulous playwright’s career, and the turtlenecks.

But when the main character’s sister recites this – it about sums up my life right now:

Zoe: This is really fascinating, what’s going on at this table. Let’s take you and Erica. You’ve been around the block a few times. What are you, around 60? 63. Fantastic! Never married, which as we know, if you were a woman, would be a curse. You’d be an old maid, a spinster. Blah, blah, blah. So instead of pitying you, they write an article about you. Celebrate your never marrying. You’re elusive and ungetable, a real catch. Then, there’s my gorgeous sister here. Look at her. She is so accomplished. Most successful female playwright since who? Lillian Hellmann? She’s over 50, divorced, and she sits in night after night after night because available guys her age want something-forgive me, they want somebody that looks like Marin. The over-50 dating scene is geared towards men leaving older women out. And as a result, the women become more and more productive and therefore, more and more interesting. Which, in turn, makes them even less desirable because as we all know, men- especially older men- are threatened and afraid of productive, interesting women. It is just so clear! Single older women as a demographic are about as fucked a group as can ever exist.”

I am closer to 50 than I am to 40 and have been completely single for almost 4 years.  Sure I have been on a few dates but rarely find myself going on 2nd dates.  I know I put the kibosh on most the dates … but when these men who ask me out are in their late 20s, 30s, I sit there and start thinking we really have nothing in common.  I start imagining them wanting children, listening to different music, not knowing how to dance a proper waltz … they rather drink beer than order a nice bottle of wine, they rather go to a night club than a nice jazz lounge … yes, I have nothing in common with most men in their 30s.  I would love to meet a single, available, down-to-earth, honest man in his 50s.  Yet, sadly they are all chasing women in their 20s and 30s.  I never considered myself a ‘woman of a certain age’ but I am … trying to not get jaded and give up on dating.  I am thankfully not convinced I am past the age of romance, much less sexual re-awakening.  I believe I still deserve it all … I would just prefer to find it with a man closer to my age.

Now if all the younger men I met were as sophisticated, gorgeous and a doctor as Keanu Reeves’ character in the movie, I would have kept him and forgotten all about the aging 60+ Lothario.  Keanu Reeves gets me hardcore crushing every time.

I am looking forward to once again finding true love and passion … until then I continue being a woman to love  …

 

 

 


Just Go With It …

Finally home indoors, all snuggly warm watching the movie, “Just Go with It” … We all know that Adam Sandler is a funny goof ball at best and he gets a lot of bad reviews for doing terrible, cliche movies, and yes many of them have over-the-top, tasteless humor with reused gags. But in almost every movie he does, to me, there’s some emotional moment or scene. (in Big Daddy, when he has to let “Frankenstein” go. In Anger Management, at the end when he confesses displays his love for his girlfriend at Yankees stadium, etc) Of all of them, I think THIS scene has the most emotion and is the most heartfelt moment. Just so real, honest … Friendship Love revealed – the best.

You know what I love? Mmm-hmm?
How you just do everything for everybody else
and you never expect anything back.
In fact, when I say thank you, I don’t
know, do you hear that or not?
It’s cute.
And I love…
I just love…
You’re the only person I’ve never lied to in my life.
I swear to God.
I just trust you more than anybody in the world.
You know every secret about me.
I love your smile.
That smile is the magic.
When I’m in the operating room all I think about is,
“All right, 20 more minutes, I get to see the smile.”
It’s just like…
It starts my day, that smile …

Beautiful.  Makes my heart smile.


“Til I Get It Right”

Wild Saturday night!! And by that I mean, quality Me time, snuggling on the couch with my fav Chili dog, the fire roaring, M&Ms nearby and watching the movie, Hateship Loveship. Loved it. Based on the talented Alice Munro’s “Hateship, Friendship, Courtship, Loveship, Marriage” stories. Great cast. Love sexy Guy Pearce and the talented Kristen Wiig. Can fake love turn into true love? All believable. We all want love. We all want to root for the underdog. May we all find the courage to go after what we want in such a quiet calm way as Kristen’s character, Johanna, does. Sometimes plain is truly extraordinary when we really see past the usual. I am a sucker for the good girl / bad boy cliche. Still works for me. lol

So if you are snowbound like me and in the mood for a good recipe for a good movie – a good story, wonderful casting – watch this movie.

Fav movie line: “I have what I want.” YES! May we all be so lucky.

Fav movie soundtrack: ‘Til I Get It Right
Written by Hollis De Laughter & Larry Henley
Performed by Tammy Wynette – oldie but a goodie.


The Letter

I came across this and OMG did it ever resonate with me …. so I had to share. Thanks Leslie @IWantMyKissesBack.

Letter to the emotionally unavailable men of the world:

Dear Mr. I Have A Wall Up –

Please stop wasting my time. It is not my job to break down that wall you put after what’s her name broke your heart. I like mystery but if you give me nothing, that is all I will give you back now. I do not have time to constantly try to prove myself and ask for forgiveness foe a crime I didn’t commit. Stop waiting for Ms. Right to come along and change your whole viewpoint on women and relationships, because we’ll she doesn’t exist. You create distance between people by relying heavily on impersonal means of communication like texting. You press ignore when she calls and you are always busy but the moment she is ready to walk away you give her just enough to keep her there for just a moment longer. You were hurt and since then you refuse to open up to anyone else unless they pry information out of you by threatening to push you over a ledge. You play games with women to see how strong they are, and to see if they will put up with your bs even when you are not willing to put up with theirs. You use humor and sarcasm to cover up your real feelings and even if you miss her you keep it a secret. You will never fall in love because you simply do not allow yourself to do so. You are a wuss and afraid that if you let anyone in that they will do what she did or worse. You think being closed off makes you look cool but instead it makes you look weak. The strongest people in the world are those that allow themselves the opportunity to feel. No girl has ever made your heart skip a beat, except for the nameless one who broke your heart and you go through women like underwear. You leave them confused or even worse heartbroken because they thought you were all in when you were really half assing it the whole time. You keep dating in hopes that the next woman will break that wall down and sweep you off your feet, but it is impossible. Only you can break down that wall and allow love to grow in your heart. Anything worth having involves risks, but without taking those risks, you will never develop a deep emotional connection with anyone. And in the process you will hurt many who were vulnerable enough to open up to you. In the end, you think you are strong because you don’t feel the pain that she does and you move on with ease. But deep down inside, there is a pain that lingers like the aroma left after a fire. You haven’t forgiven that person from your past and you are blaming the world for their mistakes. Guilty until proven innocent. But that, my dear, is not justice….nor is it love. Stop wasting my time and that of others. Work on yourself and once you remove that wall then think about giving me a call, but by then I probably would have moved on to someone who cared enough to give me an honest chance.

Sincerely,
Ms. Tired of Your Crap So Now I don’t Waste My Time With You Anymore

PS : I want my kisses back …


Awww-Worthy Moments

So….just watched the movie, “That Awkward Moment”, and at first, I was like, oh great another guys will be stupid movie, but it had some very significant moments of words to live by – worthy!

Every relationship arrives
at a critical moment,
a juncture,
between moving forward
and moving on.
I call that moment the “so.” …

“Go tell her how you feel.
Go make a scene.
Yeah.
– Make a public spectacle.
– Yeah.
Dude. Go big.
Do it like the movies.
Like the movies. Yeah.
– Like Jerry Maguire.
– I love that movie.
– I love that movie, man!
– So good.”

But tell me what you
love about her, man!
– What do you love about her?
– I love the way she laughs.
I like the way she fake laughs
when she knows that I need it.
Yes.
I love the way we
fit together in bed.
Because we’re the same height,
our crotches line up perfectly.
That’s really good.
I love that about it!
I mean, what are
the chances, right?
I love the way that she
looks in the morning.
Like at that exact moment
when she wakes up,
and her eyes just open
like two little butterflies.
– Two little…
– I love that!

Preppy Guy: I need a drink too. I’ll get you a drink too.
Ellie: Honestly what if I enjoy the drink. What happens then?
Preppy Guy: I’d love to hear what you think happens then.
Ellie: I’ll tell you what happens then we go play beer pong with your two roommates until I end up back at yours in Murray hill.
Preppy Guy: Yeah, that’s right how’d you know that.
Ellie: Yeah then I have to listen to your roommate have sex with Hilary, or Emily or whatever the girl’s name is, until we fall asleep. And then a year later we’re still playing beer pong in the same bars with your friends except now you feel pressured to get married and have kids because you think that’s what I want.
Jason: Then in the summers you drive up to the Hampton to meet his parents wondering the whole ride if they’re going to think your pretty enough.
Ellie: Smart.
Jason: Wondering the whole ride if they’re going to think you’re smart enough.
Ellie: Because no one is and then we have to drink shitty chardonnay.
Jason: At a shitty garden party.
Ellie: And have shitty conversations.
Jason: About shitty people.
Ellie: With his shitty mother.
Jason: Who let’s face it doesn’t think you’re smart enough.
Ellie: Pretty.
Jason: Let’s face it, doesn’t think you’re pretty enough.
Ellie: Because no one is.
Jason: No one ever will be.
Preppy Guy: What’s all that shit, I’m just talking about a drink.
Jason: Yeah, but it wasn’t just a drink though, was it.
Ellie: It was a marriage proposal.
Preppy Guy: Woah marriage , nah. It was a vodka soda. Alright fuck you guys then.
[preppy guy walks away]
Jason: Drink?
Ellie: Yep.

And my favorite part is the repeat of the above in a monologue towards the end … love the grand gesture of ‘sorry’!! Definitely an awww-worthy moment!!

And then the other guy
asked to buy her a drink,
right as Jason walked up.
And so she asked that guy,
“What happens
if I enjoy the drink?”
“What happens then?”
And he pretended not to know
the answer. So she told him.
She asked if they
would play beer pong
in that shitty bar with his friends
until they headed back to
his place in Murray Hill.
She asked if they’d have to
listen to his roommate
fuck Hilary or Emily,
or whatever her name was
till they fell asleep.
And she asked him if a year later,
they’d still be there in that bar.
The only difference being that now
he feels pressure to get married
and have kids, because he thinks
that that’s what she wants.
And then in the summers,
they would drive up
to the shitty Hamptons.
To meet his shitty parents.
Wondering the entire ride if they’d
think that she was pretty enough.
Smart.
Wondering the entire ride if
they think she’s smart enough.
Because no one was.
And no one ever will be.
And Jason knew that now.
And he would give anything
to go back to that moment.
The moment where they first met.
Before anything went wrong.
Before he didn’t show up for
her when she needed him most.
Before he understood that
being there for somebody
when it’s most difficult is really
all that relationships are.
Jason knew that now.
And he was so sorry
for what he had done.
But Jason also realized
that in that moment,
he wasn’t afraid, because he
thought she wasn’t the one.
He was absolutely terrified,
because he knew she was.
And if she could give him
just one more chance,
just one more chance,
she knew where to find him….

I am waiting on awww-worthy moments….


Voices…

Ever hear a voice and know it was meant to whisper to you, stir your soul? I spoke to someone yesterday and knew from a simple, “hello”…that something wonderful will come of this exchange. Time will tell.

In my awake dreams…we meet, we part, you walk away from me, your back to me…so much felt, so much unsaid…maybe we can live in this silence. I won’t deny my feelings…resistance is not an option. I am a willing victim, wanting to surrender to you…always leaving me wanting more. Of you, us. Fueled by our time apart. Words unspoken. It is within the very stillness of my solitude, that I can hear my soul whispering…I sit here at home alone in my thoughts where your very essence lingers…fractions at a time.

I lost my heart a long time ago…and the pieces of its broken core have yet to mend. Maybe your first true love is the one that sticks with you because it’s the only person who will receive all of you. After that, you learn more, but most of all, no matter what, a piece of you forever remains left behind in the heart of the one you first loved – a piece no future lover could ever get, no matter what. That piece holds innocence, the belief that love really can last forever; it held true friendship and real pain; trial and error; that one kiss you’ll never forget and that night under the stars you can never get back; it holds youth and everything you thought love would be, everything that was proven wrong….but life moves forward. Hearts harden and minds get weary.

I say no more…I long for the whispers in my ear. The tingle of fingers touching. Longing…voices of the future competing with voices of the past…


Then…

TsMondayMusings: I may not be where I need to be but I thank God I am not where I used to be! A good life is when you assume nothing, do more, need less, smile often, laugh a lot and realize how blessed you are for what you have…#FeelingBlessed…♥

Couldn’t sleep last night and found myself listening to possible wedding songs for a friend…came across this one and absolutely loved it…sharing….

I remember trying not to stare
The night that I first met you,
You had me mesmerized,
And three weeks later,
In the front porch light,
Taking 45 minutes to kiss goodnight.
I hadn’t told you then,
That I thought I loved you then

And now you’re my whole life,
And now you’re my whole world,
And I just can’t believe the way I feel about you girl,
Like a river meets the sea, stronger than it’s ever been,
We’ve come so far since that day,
And I thought I loved you then

And I remember taking you back to right where I first met you,
You were so surprised.
There were people around, but I didn’t care,
I got down on one knee right there,
And once again
I thought I loved you then

And now you’re my whole life,
Now you’re my whole world,
And I just can’t believe the way I feel about you girl,
Like a river meets the sea, stronger than it’s ever been,
We’ve come so far since that day,
And I thought I loved you then

I can just see you, with a baby on the way
I can just see you, when your hair is turning gray
What I can’t see is how I’m ever gonna love you more
But I’ve said that before

And now your my whole life
Now your my whole world
I just can’t believe the way I feel about you girl,
We’ll look back someday at this moment that we’re in
And I’ll look at you and say
And I thought I loved you then
And I thought I loved you then


Dating again…naturally…

I never thought I’d be one of those women who would wait by the proverbial ‘phone’, waiting for ‘him’ to call.   Well I am tired.  Waited all day into night yesterday for a call from a man who was to be honest never worthy of my time to begin with.  So his loss truly.  And if you are reading this – wow – you finally got a sentence in my blog dedicated just to you!  Happy?!  Hope so.  How funny when people think the world revolves around them.  No more waffling…

This is my space – my words, my place to vent, share…it was never about lamenting about one person.  So get over it.  I am.

Not sure why men after the age of 45 still feel the need to play games.  Truly sad.  And if you still have too much baggage and issues balancing work, parenting and dating then you should seek help.  Seriously.  They make pills for everything these days.

I finally found two dating sites that actually may connect me with people living with cancer.  Looking forward to sharing tomorrow with my support group.  Love the name too – C is for Cupid!!

I am tired of going on dates and afterwards my phone begins to mock me with its silence.  But I also hate it when needy people text all day and call five times a day just to check in – I am fragile but not that fragile.  So I am looking for someone who truly wants to be in a relationship and understand that it takes time, effort, romance…just plain old fashioned courting.  Yup…that would make me smile.

I am not sure why more people who say they want to find someone won’t take more of an initiative and actually go out and make an effort, make plans.   I am going to be the happiest person once I find someone who is actually mature enough to understand that obtaining and holding onto good things/people takes work, patience and a true commitment.

We all could improve in some part of our lives. If you do not subscribe to that then I think you are delusional. I want to find a man I can improve with, learn from.

“I need someone to show me
The things in life that I can’t find”

I am great for someone but not great for everyone. I am an acquired taste….I know this about about myself.  Maybe that is why I like wine…who knows…;-)

I think sadly, far too many people are looking for the right person instead of trying to be the right person. Don’t expect to find the right person if you’re not willing to let the wrong one go.   That took me the longest time.  Love is not about finding the right person, but creating the right relationship. It’s not about how much love you have in the beginning but how much love you build until the end. You can’t make someone love you, all you can do is be someone who can be loved, the rest is up to the person to realize your worth. I am waiting…waiting to fall…

Still the best words to live by…

Life is too short to wake up with regrets.
Love the people who treat you right.
Forget about the ones who don’t.
Believe everything happens for a reason.
If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands.
If it changes your life, let it.
Nobody said life would be easy.
They just promised it would be worth it.


%d bloggers like this: