Summer is almost here … so is June – the month I usually start dating and make every effort to be more active and social. I let January pass by without even a thought to dating. Anyone who knows me or has been following my blog knows I tend to date in ‘J ‘ months … no singularly one reason … just with new year’s resolutions to be more open and more social and summer months with warmer weather, I try to get out and about. Just this past November, I wrote how I was going to put myself first and start dating! Ha!! I just managed to hibernate longer and further isolate myself this past winter.
I have noticed something about myself this year – I have allowed myself to gain even more weight and dress shabbier. My hair is usually a mess or under a hat, sweats have become my uniform, my legs haven’t been shaved nor moisturized in months … I haven’t had a pedicure in a year and I have even ‘borrowed’ clothes from my 80-year-old Mom. Apologies on sharing too much … but this my is safe place, my venting, no judgment zone.
I didn’t just let myself go, I gave up – without much thought. I found myself walking to Church the other day actually hoping that no one would look at me, talk to me or even notice me. I prayed for absolutely no contact. Just this morning walking to the train station I caught a glimpse of myself in a car window – I looked sullen and frumpy. For a second, I did a double take – wondering who that person was. Talk about out of body experiences.
Then it was like a light bulb went off … I purposely let myself go. Depression isn’t the only thing at play here … I have let myself go because I didn’t want the attention to only be let down again. Subconsciously, I put on weight because I didn’t want to look good and be sexually attractive. I have been using weight as protection. *sigh*
I lost my dog in February … so less walking. Still taking steroids … dexamethasone, prednisolone, methylprednisolone… oh my! I love to eat … especially sweets. I don’t go to the gym. I am 51. Yikes! I get it.
What the heck have I been doing? Letting life happen instead of taking it by the horns and l i v i n g …
Need to formulate a plan and start creating the life AND body I want … sure maybe not the body I had in my 20s nor 30s but some semblance of healthy … middle ground for my middle age!
I need to learn how to put myself first, stop hiding behind excuses, make an effort, stop being afraid of receiving attention – positive attention; get healthier and yes start dating … again! No more weight as a cloak for invisibility. Find and then do things that make me unequivocally happy. I need to change from the inside out in order for any dieting and changes to my level of activity to have the most profound effect. Here’s to commitment … to myself. I promise to love myself more … the only real relationship I want this summer and every month that starts with the letter ‘J’ is with myself. But flirting can be fun. We will see. *giggles*
Putting it out there in the universe, holding myself accountable … with grace in my step and hope in my heart.