Category Archives: Dating

Love Myself More

Summer is almost here … so is June – the month I usually start dating and make every effort to be more active and social.  I let January pass by without even a thought to dating.  Anyone who knows me or has been following my blog knows I tend to date in ‘J ‘ months … no singularly one reason … just with new year’s resolutions to be more open and more social and summer months with warmer weather, I try to get out and about.  Just this past November, I wrote how I was going to put myself first and start dating!  Ha!!  I just managed to hibernate longer and further isolate myself this past winter.

I have noticed something about myself this year – I have allowed myself to gain even more weight and dress shabbier.  My hair is usually a mess or under a hat, sweats have become my uniform, my legs haven’t been shaved nor moisturized in months … I haven’t had a pedicure in a year and I have even ‘borrowed’ clothes from my 80-year-old Mom.  Apologies on sharing too much … but this my is safe place, my venting, no judgment zone.

I didn’t just let myself go, I gave up – without much thought.  I found myself walking to Church the other day actually hoping that no one would look at me, talk to me or even notice me.  I prayed for absolutely no contact. Just this morning walking to the train station I caught a glimpse of myself in a car window – I looked sullen and frumpy.  For a second, I did a double take – wondering who that person was.  Talk about out of body experiences.

Then it was like a light bulb went off … I purposely let myself go.  Depression isn’t the only thing at play here … I have let myself go because I didn’t want the attention to only be let down again.  Subconsciously, I put on weight because I didn’t want to look good and be sexually attractive.  I have been using weight as protection.  *sigh*

I lost my dog in February … so less walking.  Still taking steroids … dexamethasone, prednisolone, methylprednisolone… oh my!  I love to eat … especially sweets.  I don’t go to the gym.  I am 51.  Yikes!  I get it.

What the heck have I been doing?  Letting life happen instead of taking it by the horns and l i v i n g …

Need to formulate a plan and start creating the life AND body I want … sure maybe not the body I had in my 20s nor 30s but some semblance of healthy … middle ground for my middle age!

I need to learn how to put myself first, stop hiding behind excuses, make an effort, stop being afraid of receiving attention – positive attention; get healthier and yes start dating … again!  No more weight as a cloak for invisibility.  Find and then do things that make me unequivocally happy.  I need to change from the inside out in order for any dieting and changes to my level of activity to have the most profound effect.   Here’s to commitment … to myself.  I promise to love myself more …  the only real relationship I want this summer and every month that starts with the letter ‘J’ is with myself.  But flirting can be fun.  We will see.  *giggles*

Putting it out there in the universe, holding myself accountable … with grace in my step and hope in my heart.

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Romantic Gestures … Chivalry is Not Dead!

Now that summer is winding down and my J months of dating are behind me, I can share my notes on what I have learned from my dating experiences the past couple of months.

I have learned that chivalry is not completely dead.  Thank goodness.  I believe I am finally meeting the right people.  I was raised by very traditional parents.  My Dad did everything for my Mom and his four daughters; and my brother was raised to protect us as well, even though he was younger than us – his sisters.

Being the youngest girl and sickly as a child, made my Dad and brother extra protective of me. They wouldn’t let me do much, nor carry anything.  I was exempt from most chores.  I guess that is why I became a voracious reader and enjoy writing.  But I digress.

One thing I grew up loving, was when my Dad and brother always walked closest to the curb, ensuring I was protected from any oncoming traffic, or splashes from cars hitting puddles.   I’ve known men who religiously obey this unwritten rule and those that don’t even know it exists.  Happily, lucky for me, lately, I have met men who are still old-fashioned, chivalrous and true gentlemen.

I have enjoyed the past few weeks.  I have had men open doors for me, carry my bags, hold the umbrella in the rain, take my hand to help me out of the car, give me their jacket as the sun went down, stand as I entered the room, promptly on time, and ensured I arrived home and upstairs safely.  It was refreshing.

I understand that we live in a society where women are fighting to be treated equally and are fiercely independent.  And many of the traditionally gentlemanly acts are lost to so many.  I have heard some women call men sexist for holding doors and even offering seats to them.  Not me.  Sadly, I think many young men are a product of today’s society and many may think they are damned if they do, damned if they don’t.  They don’t want to be considered weak nor whipped.

Yes, women are totally capable of opening their own door. We are also capable of opening a door for a guy. It’s the kind thing to do for others.   I have held the door open for many a people, regardless of their gender.  I have offered my seat to all sorts of people – pregnant women, elderly people, people with many bags, or small children.  When an opportunity arises to encourage, promote, and kindly accept chivalry, why not take it?  Let’s allow more kindness in our lives.  I will continue to allow the men in my life to be slightly old-fashioned, manly and chivalrous while I graciously respond to their actions.

I enjoy my femininity and prefer a masculine man.  I don’t think I am weak nor helpless.  I do like when men make me feel valuable and worthy of respect.  I truly believe that it’s the small things that count in any relationship. Displaying good manners will always earn extra points with me.  I encourage and appreciate male chivalry.  These little things are romantic and sweet gestures as well to me.

When a man walks around me, so he could position himself to be on the outside, closest to the street and curb, makes me smile.  I think it’s cute and somehow shows me he can be reliable.  And I just know that my Dad and brother are smiling down on me from Heaven when I find a man to make me feel as protected as they did.  I am truly thankful for the care and strength that the men in my life have shown me. I am blessed.

And if someone opens a door for me, offers me their seat, or any other chivalrous gesture – I will always smile and politely say, “thank you” … with a twinkle in my eye, grace in my step and hope in my heart.

 

 


Size Matters …

Most of my life, I have only been attracted to tall men.  Yes, I know – what woman isn’t?! But for some reason – just today, I swear today as I find myself yet alone this gorgeous weather weekend and watching how my step Dad treats my Mom after 35 years of marriage, I truly admit to myself I do not want to be alone.  Being alone in the hospital, being alone in bed, being alone in line, always alone is not how I want to live my life anymore.  Sure I am okay alone, but who wants to be just okay??

It also dawned on me, after having an hour long conversation with a nice, shorter man that I have been guilty of perpetuating the stupid stereotypes that pervade our society and way of thinking for far way too long.  Being obsessed with height — in a way that I would never obsess about any one of their other qualities — has been bad for me, bad for my dating experiences, and reinforces a society that says physical traits we can’t control are more important than who we really are.  If I want to truly find someone willing to accept and love me -warts and all – then I need to do the same … somehow.

Height was always one of those inane deal breakers, for me.  I never minded what a man did to earn a living, as long as he was hard working, honest, dependable, stable.  I never minded what kind of car a man drove.  I never expected a man to buy me jewelry or take me to expensive places.  It never mattered to me what religion a man was as long as he was spiritual, caring, kind, thoughtful, empathetic.

But that towering look, that false sense of security I would have walking next to a tall man  – is just that – false.  I get it.  I was surrounded by tall men growing up – at my 5’2″ that is an easy thing to accomplish.  My grandfather, my Dad, my brother, my favorite male cousins all were 6 feet or taller.  They made me feel safe, so I equated that with their height.  I need to rethink this.  Sure, I thought I was most attractive when I look itty bitty compared to my male partner.  But really, should this matter?  How superficial is this really coming across?

I need to re-evaluate my thoughts on the ideal man – for me, myself.  I truly want someone who is confident, a man who is secure in his own skin (and height), who shows they can handle unfamiliar people or situations.  A man who actually listens – hears what I am saying, takes the time to understand me, and makes time for me.  A generous man would be ideal – and I don’t mean springing for dinner at a four-star restaurant – I crave his willingness to give his time and lend an ear and a helping hand or two.

I have learned that I want a man who is intelligent – and I don’t mean he needs to have a degree or two, or MD after his name – want a worldly, interesting man – a take-charge type; a problem solver, a man who is always trying to learn; improve, means to me, never boring.  Intelligence is sexy!  I need to know they are passionate about things. When a man, heck a person for that matter, is passionate about something, anything – their face lights up – it’s proof that they care for and about something beyond themselves.  That is contagious. It’s inspiring to me and lets me know that he is living a life he loves.  Oh who doesn’t need a sense of humor?!  Being able to laugh at the stresses of this world is a must.  My life is harsh reality at best – so I truly need to let my hair down and just cry laughing.

Yes, so many real tangible qualities I am looking for in a man – his height should not be the deal breaker.  I am going to recite this to myself each and every day.

I know what I want, deserve – now I just have to find some time and make a real effort in finding it.  I want that hand holding, caress of the face, sit next to each other watching TV kind of life … in search of my lobster … with grace in my step and hope in my heart …

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Dating and all things T …

Ok, so for those following my journey, many know that I tend to go on dating sprees every January and then every July. January probably because I was a tad sad at spending the holidays alone so I make a new years resolution to date, to put myself out there. Come July, with the warmer weather, I probably feel the desire for adventure, fun, long summer nights, salty kisses …

But lately I have been toying with the idea of dating only on days that start with the letter T, dating only men whose name starts with the letter T, dating men from towns, cities, counties, countries that start with the letter T … see my T Trend?!

I am going to attempt this T Trend dating and keep all of you posted. Wish me luck. Can’t hurt – at this point, even a zany approach to dating may be my best option yet.

Here’s to all good things T …

Trust
Truth
Teamwork
Thankfulness
Time
Thrive
Tenderness
Touch
Tranquility
Tenacity
Tickles
Tradition
Thrills
Triumph
Transformation
Tenacity
Transparency
Tolerance
Timeliness
Teachable


Hmmm … arm candy!

So lately, I have been all about the skies, food, sweets, wine, shoes, and last but not least bangles …  my latest craze in arm candy.  But I think I may have just found another form of arm candy … the younger man.

Yes!  Now I am playing cougar.  Who knew?!  A former co-worker and I have re-connected on social media.  We have met up as friends but now he is pouring his heart out to me about love, relationship … with me.  So, I am trying to keep an open mind.

I have been having issues trying to date in my age range. We all have baggage – some more than others.  Learning, that with a younger man there is definitely less baggage. I won’t have decades of past relationships and other issues to deal with. I don’t have to worry about his ex-wife and children — it will be all about the two of us.  And right now, at this point in my life – it’s what I want and deserve, Growing tired of playing it safe, of being alone.  I like to be chased, adored.

I was always a bit of a late-bloomer, and being with a younger man may just somehow keep me in a forever-inspired mode.  My younger friend may have less, but gives more.  I am in a non-settling frame of mind.

One of my favorite aunts was in town last month and she started telling me how lucky she was to have married a younger man – her second chance at love. She was widowed at a young age with small children when she found her second chance. She had a stroke two years ago and was feeling fortunate her husband is healthy and younger. She also told me that he was less judgmental, less traditional, less bound by stereotype – which has helped her in many ways to being happier, even a better mom. She had me thinking … then bam, he comes back into my life – this time not as a co-worker, but a friend.

Who knows…I am not making any decisions, I don’t need to. I am just taking it one minute at a time. Enjoying life. Trying to worry less, stay sane and get healthier. I am going to stop worrying so much about what others may think, stop wondering what this younger guy sees in me, and just enjoy the attention. I deserve every flattering, delicious moment … so I plan to sit back and continue counting my blessings and start looking for this Maca root from the jungles of Peru.

Looking forward to finally, freely living some more, to have my emotions raw, to the potential and the possibilities of having my body, mind, and soul literally rocked … ah nirvana may indeed be mine. Fulfillment, contentment … indeed … on my journey of living deliciously with grace in my step, hope in my heart. I am back …


Am I lovable…

I am okay alone. But sometimes, especially with Valentine’s day fast approaching, and watching Hallmark’s Countdown to Valentine’s Day, has me always missing my heart more than ever. I know the only way, I will ever really find someone to love and be loved, is by putting myself out there, and trying to date and meet emotionally available men. But *sigh* I am just so tired. Tired of the fools, the endless questions, the myriad of doubts, the kissing of frogs. Tired of wondering if I am lovable. Tired of being alone, but at the same time, tired of wasting my time, investing of myself, feeding someone else’s ego; tired of waiting for a love that eludes me and never comes. I feel like when I start dating, I am a mere woman with a question mark etched on my forehead: Am I good? Am I lovable? Am I enough? Am I healthy enough to be accepted? There seems to be more questions than answers. I know, deep down inside, I am lovable. I am capable of accepting and giving love. I sit with so many thoughts, and not all of them are doubts. And those are the ones I fight to fill my head. So as I write this, I know I am lovable. I feel my potential at this very moment. I have definitely accepted too little for too long. That is changing as sure as the weather will change. In the meantime, I date myself. I pamper myself. I love myself. I cherish myself. I adore myself … with grace in my step and hope in my heart.

We are all worthy of love.  #sixwords. ♡


The Letter

I came across this and OMG did it ever resonate with me …. so I had to share. Thanks Leslie @IWantMyKissesBack.

Letter to the emotionally unavailable men of the world:

Dear Mr. I Have A Wall Up –

Please stop wasting my time. It is not my job to break down that wall you put after what’s her name broke your heart. I like mystery but if you give me nothing, that is all I will give you back now. I do not have time to constantly try to prove myself and ask for forgiveness foe a crime I didn’t commit. Stop waiting for Ms. Right to come along and change your whole viewpoint on women and relationships, because we’ll she doesn’t exist. You create distance between people by relying heavily on impersonal means of communication like texting. You press ignore when she calls and you are always busy but the moment she is ready to walk away you give her just enough to keep her there for just a moment longer. You were hurt and since then you refuse to open up to anyone else unless they pry information out of you by threatening to push you over a ledge. You play games with women to see how strong they are, and to see if they will put up with your bs even when you are not willing to put up with theirs. You use humor and sarcasm to cover up your real feelings and even if you miss her you keep it a secret. You will never fall in love because you simply do not allow yourself to do so. You are a wuss and afraid that if you let anyone in that they will do what she did or worse. You think being closed off makes you look cool but instead it makes you look weak. The strongest people in the world are those that allow themselves the opportunity to feel. No girl has ever made your heart skip a beat, except for the nameless one who broke your heart and you go through women like underwear. You leave them confused or even worse heartbroken because they thought you were all in when you were really half assing it the whole time. You keep dating in hopes that the next woman will break that wall down and sweep you off your feet, but it is impossible. Only you can break down that wall and allow love to grow in your heart. Anything worth having involves risks, but without taking those risks, you will never develop a deep emotional connection with anyone. And in the process you will hurt many who were vulnerable enough to open up to you. In the end, you think you are strong because you don’t feel the pain that she does and you move on with ease. But deep down inside, there is a pain that lingers like the aroma left after a fire. You haven’t forgiven that person from your past and you are blaming the world for their mistakes. Guilty until proven innocent. But that, my dear, is not justice….nor is it love. Stop wasting my time and that of others. Work on yourself and once you remove that wall then think about giving me a call, but by then I probably would have moved on to someone who cared enough to give me an honest chance.

Sincerely,
Ms. Tired of Your Crap So Now I don’t Waste My Time With You Anymore

PS : I want my kisses back …


Awww-Worthy Moments

So….just watched the movie, “That Awkward Moment”, and at first, I was like, oh great another guys will be stupid movie, but it had some very significant moments of words to live by – worthy!

Every relationship arrives
at a critical moment,
a juncture,
between moving forward
and moving on.
I call that moment the “so.” …

“Go tell her how you feel.
Go make a scene.
Yeah.
– Make a public spectacle.
– Yeah.
Dude. Go big.
Do it like the movies.
Like the movies. Yeah.
– Like Jerry Maguire.
– I love that movie.
– I love that movie, man!
– So good.”

But tell me what you
love about her, man!
– What do you love about her?
– I love the way she laughs.
I like the way she fake laughs
when she knows that I need it.
Yes.
I love the way we
fit together in bed.
Because we’re the same height,
our crotches line up perfectly.
That’s really good.
I love that about it!
I mean, what are
the chances, right?
I love the way that she
looks in the morning.
Like at that exact moment
when she wakes up,
and her eyes just open
like two little butterflies.
– Two little…
– I love that!

Preppy Guy: I need a drink too. I’ll get you a drink too.
Ellie: Honestly what if I enjoy the drink. What happens then?
Preppy Guy: I’d love to hear what you think happens then.
Ellie: I’ll tell you what happens then we go play beer pong with your two roommates until I end up back at yours in Murray hill.
Preppy Guy: Yeah, that’s right how’d you know that.
Ellie: Yeah then I have to listen to your roommate have sex with Hilary, or Emily or whatever the girl’s name is, until we fall asleep. And then a year later we’re still playing beer pong in the same bars with your friends except now you feel pressured to get married and have kids because you think that’s what I want.
Jason: Then in the summers you drive up to the Hampton to meet his parents wondering the whole ride if they’re going to think your pretty enough.
Ellie: Smart.
Jason: Wondering the whole ride if they’re going to think you’re smart enough.
Ellie: Because no one is and then we have to drink shitty chardonnay.
Jason: At a shitty garden party.
Ellie: And have shitty conversations.
Jason: About shitty people.
Ellie: With his shitty mother.
Jason: Who let’s face it doesn’t think you’re smart enough.
Ellie: Pretty.
Jason: Let’s face it, doesn’t think you’re pretty enough.
Ellie: Because no one is.
Jason: No one ever will be.
Preppy Guy: What’s all that shit, I’m just talking about a drink.
Jason: Yeah, but it wasn’t just a drink though, was it.
Ellie: It was a marriage proposal.
Preppy Guy: Woah marriage , nah. It was a vodka soda. Alright fuck you guys then.
[preppy guy walks away]
Jason: Drink?
Ellie: Yep.

And my favorite part is the repeat of the above in a monologue towards the end … love the grand gesture of ‘sorry’!! Definitely an awww-worthy moment!!

And then the other guy
asked to buy her a drink,
right as Jason walked up.
And so she asked that guy,
“What happens
if I enjoy the drink?”
“What happens then?”
And he pretended not to know
the answer. So she told him.
She asked if they
would play beer pong
in that shitty bar with his friends
until they headed back to
his place in Murray Hill.
She asked if they’d have to
listen to his roommate
fuck Hilary or Emily,
or whatever her name was
till they fell asleep.
And she asked him if a year later,
they’d still be there in that bar.
The only difference being that now
he feels pressure to get married
and have kids, because he thinks
that that’s what she wants.
And then in the summers,
they would drive up
to the shitty Hamptons.
To meet his shitty parents.
Wondering the entire ride if they’d
think that she was pretty enough.
Smart.
Wondering the entire ride if
they think she’s smart enough.
Because no one was.
And no one ever will be.
And Jason knew that now.
And he would give anything
to go back to that moment.
The moment where they first met.
Before anything went wrong.
Before he didn’t show up for
her when she needed him most.
Before he understood that
being there for somebody
when it’s most difficult is really
all that relationships are.
Jason knew that now.
And he was so sorry
for what he had done.
But Jason also realized
that in that moment,
he wasn’t afraid, because he
thought she wasn’t the one.
He was absolutely terrified,
because he knew she was.
And if she could give him
just one more chance,
just one more chance,
she knew where to find him….

I am waiting on awww-worthy moments….


Drip Giggles & Dreams

What do a group of women with a lovely cocktail of avastin via an IV drip decide to watch on the hospital TV? Sex And The City … of course. lol What a funny morning. Laughter truly is the best medicine.

The most memorable line that resonated with me from the SATC reruns:

Carrie Bradshaw: “Then I realized, no one had told her about the end of love in Manhattan. Welcome to the age of un-innocence. No one has breakfast at Tiffany’s, and no one has affairs to remember. Instead, we have breakfast at seven a.m., and affairs we try to forget as quickly as possible. Self-protection and closing the deal are paramount. Cupid has flown the co-op!”

I am still going to hold onto hope for a life that can so romantically be summed up like a movie title. A girl can dream… or maybe its the fever talking!! 🙂


Just venting…

Life. Life sometimes really sucks. Period.

Being a divorced, single, childless woman in my 40s battling cancer yet again is just a sad state to find myself in…again.

Divorced Female, Going Bald, Undergoing Chemo and Radiation, Going Through Menopause, Weight Fluctuations, Mood swings…

Oh yeah, isn’t that the first profile you would click on if you were searching for the love of your life or even just a new ‘friend’ online? Dating in itself – or, I should say, finding someone to date – is never easy. Finding someone when you happen to be bald, going through chemo and/or making daily trips to the hospital for chemotherapy and radiation makes it a zillion times more complicated. Trust me, I know. I have tried it. I am not sure why I have tried it but I did. Logically, I knew it was not the best idea. But heck, I guess I am bored, optimistic, stupid?!

Going through cancer treatment can be really tough for a single woman. You may not have a friend or family member who can be there for you like a partner. You may also worry about how a current or future partner will react when they find out you’ve had cancer.

Perhaps the most private scar left by cancer is the damage done to your view of yourself. My self-image is completely distorted at times. I constantly find myself worried if I can ever catch up, keep up or even get going on most days. I wonder how active I can be and even how long I will live. If I ever even allow myself to think about remarrying one day, I obsess about if I should ever involve a partner in such an uncertain future.

In the past, concerns about having children also affected my relationships. I became infertile many years ago with my first bout of cancer. So alone I am.

I have been single most of my life. And I live by this quote by prixie: “Single is not a status. It is a word that describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.”

Yes I am scared. Tired of not having someone special around. But the reality is I am my own person, and if I can’t enjoy being single, how can I enjoy being with someone else?

The most difficult thing for me about going through cancer yet again is doing it single, alone. In the past, I had a much larger, strong support network so I was hardly ever alone. But now I find myself more alone. At a time when closeness is so much more important, I feel so utterly singularly alone. During this time, my treatment, I am trying so hard to be brave and not complain too much. But staying quiet and calm, doesn’t prevent me from being lonely sometimes and longing for someone to hold me at night and whisper that everything is going to be alright. Or even just to take me to dinner, make me laugh, smile and forget about cancer for a little while, make me feel desirable. I have friends who take pity on me and take me out for dinner, and make me laugh but its just sadly not quite the same thing. Sometimes I just so desperately want to ignore the cancer.

Nearly everyone I encounter who has or has had cancer – friends, people at the hospital, family, people in books and on TV – were either married or in a serious relationship when they were diagnosed; or children with caring parents. Not me. I am in the very vulnerable single state and not having someone to hold my hand every step of the way, makes me wistful, if not angry sometimes. But instead of just being jealous of others in relationships with supportive loving partners, feeling sorry for myself, I keep trying online dating. It makes me feel somewhat normal.

Within minutes of posting a new photo online, I had e-mails from men ready to shower me with attention. Of course, most weren’t exactly my type, but you need to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince, right?! lol

I guess I am lucky somewhat … I have had some really interesting email exchanges, but alas have not found the man of my dreams during treatment. Still, dating during treatment restores my self-confidence, reassures me that I am still attractive, and distracts me enough moments at a time. The way I see it, is that everyone is unique and carries baggage of some kind and this is only one part of me, I guess. Just tired today of carrying all this baggage. Tired of my hand dangling alone.

So yes … Life. Life sometimes really sucks. Period.


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