Category Archives: Love

Waiting On Something Beautiful

Been home sick, trying not to get too depressed, watching old movies… watched “Waiting To Exhale” and I absolutely love the scene where James (Wesley Snipes) sends Bernadine (Angela Bassett) a letter – melts me.

I miss the days where people actually write words down on paper.

Below is the except of that note from James in the movie:

I’ve been thinking about you a lot, Bernie.  Every day. All the time.  I’m embarrassed to even write that down…but it’s true.

Bernie, I fell in love in one night.  You know what’s even harder for me to understand…is that what I feel for you…has never undercut the love I have for my wife.  Now, how is that possible?
I still watch her every day.  So beautiful. So brave.  I just wanna give her
everything I’ve got in me.  Every moment.  She’s hanging on, fighting to be here for me…and when she sleeps, I cry…over how amazing she is…and how lucky I’ve been to have her in my life.  Can I say it?

 

You’re the only person in this world I ever knew I could tell this to…
and even if this never finds you…and we never speak again…you’ve changed my life.

You know what inspiration is?  It’s someone who lets you know life will go on…and something beautiful can be waiting somewhere.  Somewhere when you least expect it.

Yes, waiting to exhale…waiting on something beautiful…with grace in my step and hope in my heart…

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My Last Day …

Have been having a terribly long stint of insomnia lately but I have been resting, laying in bed listening to music and prone dancing – yes just made that up.

Heard this beautiful song last in the wee hours of today.  The English lyrics have been translated below – but as most of us know, direct translation never captures the same meaning.  It’s a beautifully stirring song.

As if it were my last day,
I’m going to live with a sincere love
And show those close to me how much I love them.

As if it were my last day,
I’m going to fight for my dreams,
Living without fear and treasuring every minute.
I’m not going to wait until tomorrow because all I have is the present.

If there wasn’t much time, I would stay and take a moment
To show you that I love you and that I am fully content that I have you.
And if your joy depended on me, I would give everything I can to you to make this day the best day in our life.

If this was my last chance to look at you again,
I would make this moment the most important in your memory,
Because in the times of difficulty and stress of this life, we miss the details we later wish we could remember.
And then regret that we’ve forgotten these experiences, and mourn that we cannot recreate them.

If there wasn’t much time, I would stay and take a moment
To show you that I love you and that I am fully content that I have you.
And if your joy depended on me, I would give everything I can to you,
And make this day the best day in our life.

I would enjoy all that God has given me
friends, family and love,
and I’ll make this day the best of my life.


Romantic Gestures … Chivalry is Not Dead!

Now that summer is winding down and my J months of dating are behind me, I can share my notes on what I have learned from my dating experiences the past couple of months.

I have learned that chivalry is not completely dead.  Thank goodness.  I believe I am finally meeting the right people.  I was raised by very traditional parents.  My Dad did everything for my Mom and his four daughters; and my brother was raised to protect us as well, even though he was younger than us – his sisters.

Being the youngest girl and sickly as a child, made my Dad and brother extra protective of me. They wouldn’t let me do much, nor carry anything.  I was exempt from most chores.  I guess that is why I became a voracious reader and enjoy writing.  But I digress.

One thing I grew up loving, was when my Dad and brother always walked closest to the curb, ensuring I was protected from any oncoming traffic, or splashes from cars hitting puddles.   I’ve known men who religiously obey this unwritten rule and those that don’t even know it exists.  Happily, lucky for me, lately, I have met men who are still old-fashioned, chivalrous and true gentlemen.

I have enjoyed the past few weeks.  I have had men open doors for me, carry my bags, hold the umbrella in the rain, take my hand to help me out of the car, give me their jacket as the sun went down, stand as I entered the room, promptly on time, and ensured I arrived home and upstairs safely.  It was refreshing.

I understand that we live in a society where women are fighting to be treated equally and are fiercely independent.  And many of the traditionally gentlemanly acts are lost to so many.  I have heard some women call men sexist for holding doors and even offering seats to them.  Not me.  Sadly, I think many young men are a product of today’s society and many may think they are damned if they do, damned if they don’t.  They don’t want to be considered weak nor whipped.

Yes, women are totally capable of opening their own door. We are also capable of opening a door for a guy. It’s the kind thing to do for others.   I have held the door open for many a people, regardless of their gender.  I have offered my seat to all sorts of people – pregnant women, elderly people, people with many bags, or small children.  When an opportunity arises to encourage, promote, and kindly accept chivalry, why not take it?  Let’s allow more kindness in our lives.  I will continue to allow the men in my life to be slightly old-fashioned, manly and chivalrous while I graciously respond to their actions.

I enjoy my femininity and prefer a masculine man.  I don’t think I am weak nor helpless.  I do like when men make me feel valuable and worthy of respect.  I truly believe that it’s the small things that count in any relationship. Displaying good manners will always earn extra points with me.  I encourage and appreciate male chivalry.  These little things are romantic and sweet gestures as well to me.

When a man walks around me, so he could position himself to be on the outside, closest to the street and curb, makes me smile.  I think it’s cute and somehow shows me he can be reliable.  And I just know that my Dad and brother are smiling down on me from Heaven when I find a man to make me feel as protected as they did.  I am truly thankful for the care and strength that the men in my life have shown me. I am blessed.

And if someone opens a door for me, offers me their seat, or any other chivalrous gesture – I will always smile and politely say, “thank you” … with a twinkle in my eye, grace in my step and hope in my heart.

 

 


Size Matters …

Most of my life, I have only been attracted to tall men.  Yes, I know – what woman isn’t?! But for some reason – just today, I swear today as I find myself yet alone this gorgeous weather weekend and watching how my step Dad treats my Mom after 35 years of marriage, I truly admit to myself I do not want to be alone.  Being alone in the hospital, being alone in bed, being alone in line, always alone is not how I want to live my life anymore.  Sure I am okay alone, but who wants to be just okay??

It also dawned on me, after having an hour long conversation with a nice, shorter man that I have been guilty of perpetuating the stupid stereotypes that pervade our society and way of thinking for far way too long.  Being obsessed with height — in a way that I would never obsess about any one of their other qualities — has been bad for me, bad for my dating experiences, and reinforces a society that says physical traits we can’t control are more important than who we really are.  If I want to truly find someone willing to accept and love me -warts and all – then I need to do the same … somehow.

Height was always one of those inane deal breakers, for me.  I never minded what a man did to earn a living, as long as he was hard working, honest, dependable, stable.  I never minded what kind of car a man drove.  I never expected a man to buy me jewelry or take me to expensive places.  It never mattered to me what religion a man was as long as he was spiritual, caring, kind, thoughtful, empathetic.

But that towering look, that false sense of security I would have walking next to a tall man  – is just that – false.  I get it.  I was surrounded by tall men growing up – at my 5’2″ that is an easy thing to accomplish.  My grandfather, my Dad, my brother, my favorite male cousins all were 6 feet or taller.  They made me feel safe, so I equated that with their height.  I need to rethink this.  Sure, I thought I was most attractive when I look itty bitty compared to my male partner.  But really, should this matter?  How superficial is this really coming across?

I need to re-evaluate my thoughts on the ideal man – for me, myself.  I truly want someone who is confident, a man who is secure in his own skin (and height), who shows they can handle unfamiliar people or situations.  A man who actually listens – hears what I am saying, takes the time to understand me, and makes time for me.  A generous man would be ideal – and I don’t mean springing for dinner at a four-star restaurant – I crave his willingness to give his time and lend an ear and a helping hand or two.

I have learned that I want a man who is intelligent – and I don’t mean he needs to have a degree or two, or MD after his name – want a worldly, interesting man – a take-charge type; a problem solver, a man who is always trying to learn; improve, means to me, never boring.  Intelligence is sexy!  I need to know they are passionate about things. When a man, heck a person for that matter, is passionate about something, anything – their face lights up – it’s proof that they care for and about something beyond themselves.  That is contagious. It’s inspiring to me and lets me know that he is living a life he loves.  Oh who doesn’t need a sense of humor?!  Being able to laugh at the stresses of this world is a must.  My life is harsh reality at best – so I truly need to let my hair down and just cry laughing.

Yes, so many real tangible qualities I am looking for in a man – his height should not be the deal breaker.  I am going to recite this to myself each and every day.

I know what I want, deserve – now I just have to find some time and make a real effort in finding it.  I want that hand holding, caress of the face, sit next to each other watching TV kind of life … in search of my lobster … with grace in my step and hope in my heart …

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Linger …

Today …  a very new friend of mine is traveling from NYC to Iceland for 14 days and I find myself obsessed with the very thought of him lingering in my mind, in my thoughts, in my random smile.  As I write, think on this, I hear the song, “Linger” by the Cranberries. Signs are everywhere, if you keep your mind and heart open to them.

I always tend to attempt dating each and every summer … and those months starting with the letter J!  Being June already is no different.  What is different is actually believing this may be a real possibility of me finding myself again, of falling in love – that I won’t get bored, distracted, jaded, disillusioned, overwhelmed.  I won’t make excuses, and go back into hibernation.  I am nearing the end of my 40s and I don’t plan on being alone.  I owe it to myself, and to my Michael’s forever love for me to keep moving forward, accepting love, and no more settling.

We all wish to be wanted, desired – I can easily admit that I need it.
We all want to be understood –  I will no longer settle for less.

I have had so many people I love die way too young.  I want to live with purpose, live more fully for them as well as for myself.  Life moves too fast.  In a blink, you can have it all and lose it all as quickly.

This week, I find myself more alive, carefree.  Wanting … wanting not to be alone.

Longing to be held by strong arms. Feel my fingers entwined with another’s.

Living to anticipate a kiss that takes my breath away …  again.
Looking forward to staying awake until the sun rises.

I want to slow down and listen, breathe it all in.

I want to stare into his eyes, get lost in reliving the moments.

I want to be free to be me around him.
I will sit quietly and wonder if he dares to let our lips linger without fully kissing, breathing me in and holding me tight.

I wish time could stop … I wish I could stop time –  so we can linger.
An honest life is made of moments of both good and bad – I fully understand this.  But right this minute, this instance, this small moment in time, I want my conversations with him to linger … and when I sigh, I want him to sigh.

Is this all too much to wish upon? No – already our conversation linger on my lips …  as always with grace in my step, hope in my heart, smile on my lips …

 

 

 


Woman of a Certain Age …

Watching the movie, “Something’s Gotta Give'” and it dawned on me that this could be my life story … well minus the beautiful beach house, the daughter, the fabulous playwright’s career, and the turtlenecks.

But when the main character’s sister recites this – it about sums up my life right now:

Zoe: This is really fascinating, what’s going on at this table. Let’s take you and Erica. You’ve been around the block a few times. What are you, around 60? 63. Fantastic! Never married, which as we know, if you were a woman, would be a curse. You’d be an old maid, a spinster. Blah, blah, blah. So instead of pitying you, they write an article about you. Celebrate your never marrying. You’re elusive and ungetable, a real catch. Then, there’s my gorgeous sister here. Look at her. She is so accomplished. Most successful female playwright since who? Lillian Hellmann? She’s over 50, divorced, and she sits in night after night after night because available guys her age want something-forgive me, they want somebody that looks like Marin. The over-50 dating scene is geared towards men leaving older women out. And as a result, the women become more and more productive and therefore, more and more interesting. Which, in turn, makes them even less desirable because as we all know, men- especially older men- are threatened and afraid of productive, interesting women. It is just so clear! Single older women as a demographic are about as fucked a group as can ever exist.”

I am closer to 50 than I am to 40 and have been completely single for almost 4 years.  Sure I have been on a few dates but rarely find myself going on 2nd dates.  I know I put the kibosh on most the dates … but when these men who ask me out are in their late 20s, 30s, I sit there and start thinking we really have nothing in common.  I start imagining them wanting children, listening to different music, not knowing how to dance a proper waltz … they rather drink beer than order a nice bottle of wine, they rather go to a night club than a nice jazz lounge … yes, I have nothing in common with most men in their 30s.  I would love to meet a single, available, down-to-earth, honest man in his 50s.  Yet, sadly they are all chasing women in their 20s and 30s.  I never considered myself a ‘woman of a certain age’ but I am … trying to not get jaded and give up on dating.  I am thankfully not convinced I am past the age of romance, much less sexual re-awakening.  I believe I still deserve it all … I would just prefer to find it with a man closer to my age.

Now if all the younger men I met were as sophisticated, gorgeous and a doctor as Keanu Reeves’ character in the movie, I would have kept him and forgotten all about the aging 60+ Lothario.  Keanu Reeves gets me hardcore crushing every time.

I am looking forward to once again finding true love and passion … until then I continue being a woman to love  …

 

 

 


Love With No Regrets

Every night when my head hits the pillow I go back to you, my forever heart …

I found myself dreaming
In silver and gold
Like a scene from a movie
That every broken heart knows we were walking on moonlight
And you pulled me close
Split second and you disappeared and then I was all alone

I woke up in tears
With you by my side
A breath of relief
And I realized
No, we’re not promised tomorrow

So I’m gonna love you
Like I’m gonna lose you
I’m gonna hold you
Like I’m saying goodbye wherever we’re standing
I won’t take you for granted ’cause we’ll never know when
When we’ll run out of time so I’m gonna love you
Like I’m gonna lose you
I’m gonna love you like I’m gonna lose you

In the blink of an eye
Just a whisper of smoke
You could lose everything
The truth is you never know

So I’ll kiss you longer baby
Any chance that I get
I’ll make the most of the minutes and love with no regrets

Let’s take our time
To say what we want
Use what we got
Before it’s all gone
‘Cause no, we’re not promised tomorrow

So I’m gonna love you
Like I’m gonna lose you
I’m gonna hold you
Like I’m saying goodbye wherever we’re standing
I won’t take you for granted ’cause we’ll never know when
When we’ll run out of time so I’m gonna love you
Like I’m gonna lose you
I’m gonna love you like I’m gonna lose you

Hey
Whoa

I’m gonna love you
Like I’m gonna lose you
I’m gonna hold you
Like I’m saying goodbye wherever we’re standing
I won’t take you for granted ’cause we’ll never know when
When we’ll run out of time so I’m gonna love you
Like I’m gonna lose you
I’m gonna love you like I’m gonna lose you


I Stand Naked

Real soulmates know without having to ask the easy questions … The one who deserves your naked body is the one who knows your story.

* I do not own these two poems, but it was too beautiful not to share.*

You think you’ve seen her naked because she took her clothes off?
Tell me about her dreams.
Tell me what breaks her heart.
What is she passionate about, and what makes her cry?
Tell me about her childhood.
Better yet, tell me one story about her that you’re not in.

You’ve seen her skin, and you’ve touched her body.
But you still know as much about her as a book you once found,
but never got around to opening.

i felt you not

by fingertips
or even against my lips.
i felt you in my breath
and in my bones.
And how you turned my skin
from a body to a home.

i found you
not by compass
and not by map.
i found you from the light
that made it through the cracks.

Grace, Dominic Matthew Jackson

I am still waiting on this person. I thought I found him – once, twice … many eons ago, in shadows, in rare moments, in my memories. But he only tore my pages apart to the ones where he and only he was the star in them.   You could touch a woman’s body but still have her soul remain untouched. I am not for shallow waters – you want me, you better get to know me in the depth of my soul.

I want, I wait for that one special person who will open my book … who will devour the light that reaches his eyes and who can savor every single word that he reads, sees, understands, and still after turning the last page, wants to know more, to seek  out more, to understand the words that I do not yet know how to write or share.  I want him to read until our lives entwined becomes the book. I want to love with all of my soul …

Waiting …  standing here naked …


Let’s Make A Monument For Our Love …

Heard this song today, and thank goodness for Shazam for helping me find it.  Celebrates life, love, memories, romance … makes my heart happy, my feet move.

There’s a daylight going under
There’s a new spark to discover
And you know we’re not getting any younger
So remember, this is our time

[Chorus]
I wanna drive an open road
Can we go out tonight
Anything goes
Let’s make a monument for our love, our love
Our love, our love
Let’s make a monument for our love, our love
Our love, our love…

There’s a memory around the corner
There’s an angel on our shoulders
To remind us life is far from over
So remember, this is our time

[Chorus]
I wanna drive an open road
Can we go out tonight
Anything goes
Let’s make a monument for our love, our love
Our love, our love
Let’s make a monument for our love, our love
Our love, our love

Every night is ours to own
Everywhere is ours to roam
Every sun is sunshine gold
Everywhere
Let’s make a monument for our love, our love
Another monument for our love, our love

Our love, our love
Let’s make a monument for our love, our love
Make a monument for our love, our love…

Produced By: MUTEMATH

Written By: MUTEMATH


All The Joy

Watching movies today and came across this beautiful song …

 

I took a night with you
And then I took another
And to my solitude
I brought a lover
We beckon ecstasy undercover
We took all the joy we could take
So lightly
And all the love we could make
So mightily, yeah
All the joy we could take
So lightly
And all the love we could make
So mightily, yeah
And I am driving fast as the sun goes down
This spell may not last,
But it was fun wearing the crown
That made me the princess
And you the clown
We took all the joy we could take
So lightly
And all the love we could make
So mightily
And al the joy we could take
So lightly
And all the love we could make
So mightily, yeah
And with this feather in your cap
You do prance around
The wings on my feet
They do not touch the ground
And when I think of you
I don’t hear a sound
I took all the joy I could take
So lightly
And all the love I could make
So mightily
All the joy I could take
So lightly
And all the love I could make
So mightily, yeah
All the love I could make
So mightily, yeah
All the love I could make
So mightily, yeah …

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