Category Archives: love affair

Need A Spark …

Well I am trying to be more social again and start dating …yes trying again to put myself out there and be open minded.  Agreed to meet a nice looking, age appropriate man for coffee.  The night before we talked on the phone for three hours…yes, 3 hours!  We talked about so much even politics.  It was refreshing.   So when we meet today – conversation is easy.  He is a great listener as well as a good speaker.  Bur we talked about work, skills – more professional than personal.  There was no romantic spark.  And I find myself home, writing this post, feeling a little sad.  On paper he fits all my criteria – he is dark-haired and handsome.  He is employed. He is Christian.  He believes in family.

But I touched his hand … and nothing.  We chastely kissed at the door – I felt nothing.  Well, ironically there was jolt of static cling electricity but not a true chemical spark.  So no spark, now what??

Now I am tired of all my friends saying I am too picky, or I don’t give men a chance.  But how long do you wait for the spark to develop?    How long should you give to see if there is true chemistry?  I am mature and intelligent enough to understand that sparks are usually temporary and they don’t normally last.  Compatibility lasts.  Logic.  But I have lived too many years without true love and passion.  Don’t I deserve it?  Don’t I deserve the butterflies?  Don’t I deserve to feel that zing, that unexplained must-have chemistry, pure magic??  Do I have to settle?  No I refuse to settle.  I need to feel that spark.  Soon!  I totally accept that love at first sight is beyond rare.  I need to accept that we may need to allow for the slow burn of attraction, let our first meeting date jitters to pass and try to get to know each other.

The guy I met today is into the gym and working out hard, faithfully and is very physically, outdoorsy active.  I am more a home body and I have let myself go a little sideways, struggling with weight, body image issues, hitting 50 and pre-menopausal.  So maybe he wasn’t physically attracted to me hence no spark.  I don’t know.  Maybe I don’t care too much right not to learn otherwise.  Maybe he has zero boyfriend potential; maybe he is indeed just a nice guy.  Perhaps there isn’t enough chemistry for a relationship. But seriously how many ‘dates’ do I need to go on to find out??

I will try harder to keep from closing off.  I just don’t want to be that girl – every man’s buddy – where they think I am a great lady, we talk for hours, laugh, but they use me as sounding board.  They want to hang out, talk about their job, family and dating woes, ask for advice but ultimately there is no shared attraction, no sexual interest.  No passion.

So we didn’t make plans to meet up again, but we did text already tonight when he got home.  Maybe we will just be friendly.  I don’t know.  I would go out with him again though if asked.  I think it’s rare to know whether we have real dating potential with someone after only a few hours.  I do enjoy conversing with him.  He has a great phone voice as well.  Easy on the eyes, yes.  Who knows….

So as much as I didn’t get that instant overwhelming attraction to him, we still got along.  Time will tell I guess.

Remaining positive … with hope in my heart and grace in my step … learning how to sashay.


Waiting On Something Beautiful

Been home sick, trying not to get too depressed, watching old movies… watched “Waiting To Exhale” and I absolutely love the scene where James (Wesley Snipes) sends Bernadine (Angela Bassett) a letter – melts me.

I miss the days where people actually write words down on paper.

Below is the except of that note from James in the movie:

I’ve been thinking about you a lot, Bernie.  Every day. All the time.  I’m embarrassed to even write that down…but it’s true.

Bernie, I fell in love in one night.  You know what’s even harder for me to understand…is that what I feel for you…has never undercut the love I have for my wife.  Now, how is that possible?
I still watch her every day.  So beautiful. So brave.  I just wanna give her
everything I’ve got in me.  Every moment.  She’s hanging on, fighting to be here for me…and when she sleeps, I cry…over how amazing she is…and how lucky I’ve been to have her in my life.  Can I say it?

 

You’re the only person in this world I ever knew I could tell this to…
and even if this never finds you…and we never speak again…you’ve changed my life.

You know what inspiration is?  It’s someone who lets you know life will go on…and something beautiful can be waiting somewhere.  Somewhere when you least expect it.

Yes, waiting to exhale…waiting on something beautiful…with grace in my step and hope in my heart…


Woman of a Certain Age …

Watching the movie, “Something’s Gotta Give'” and it dawned on me that this could be my life story … well minus the beautiful beach house, the daughter, the fabulous playwright’s career, and the turtlenecks.

But when the main character’s sister recites this – it about sums up my life right now:

Zoe: This is really fascinating, what’s going on at this table. Let’s take you and Erica. You’ve been around the block a few times. What are you, around 60? 63. Fantastic! Never married, which as we know, if you were a woman, would be a curse. You’d be an old maid, a spinster. Blah, blah, blah. So instead of pitying you, they write an article about you. Celebrate your never marrying. You’re elusive and ungetable, a real catch. Then, there’s my gorgeous sister here. Look at her. She is so accomplished. Most successful female playwright since who? Lillian Hellmann? She’s over 50, divorced, and she sits in night after night after night because available guys her age want something-forgive me, they want somebody that looks like Marin. The over-50 dating scene is geared towards men leaving older women out. And as a result, the women become more and more productive and therefore, more and more interesting. Which, in turn, makes them even less desirable because as we all know, men- especially older men- are threatened and afraid of productive, interesting women. It is just so clear! Single older women as a demographic are about as fucked a group as can ever exist.”

I am closer to 50 than I am to 40 and have been completely single for almost 4 years.  Sure I have been on a few dates but rarely find myself going on 2nd dates.  I know I put the kibosh on most the dates … but when these men who ask me out are in their late 20s, 30s, I sit there and start thinking we really have nothing in common.  I start imagining them wanting children, listening to different music, not knowing how to dance a proper waltz … they rather drink beer than order a nice bottle of wine, they rather go to a night club than a nice jazz lounge … yes, I have nothing in common with most men in their 30s.  I would love to meet a single, available, down-to-earth, honest man in his 50s.  Yet, sadly they are all chasing women in their 20s and 30s.  I never considered myself a ‘woman of a certain age’ but I am … trying to not get jaded and give up on dating.  I am thankfully not convinced I am past the age of romance, much less sexual re-awakening.  I believe I still deserve it all … I would just prefer to find it with a man closer to my age.

Now if all the younger men I met were as sophisticated, gorgeous and a doctor as Keanu Reeves’ character in the movie, I would have kept him and forgotten all about the aging 60+ Lothario.  Keanu Reeves gets me hardcore crushing every time.

I am looking forward to once again finding true love and passion … until then I continue being a woman to love  …

 

 

 


Just Go With It …

Finally home indoors, all snuggly warm watching the movie, “Just Go with It” … We all know that Adam Sandler is a funny goof ball at best and he gets a lot of bad reviews for doing terrible, cliche movies, and yes many of them have over-the-top, tasteless humor with reused gags. But in almost every movie he does, to me, there’s some emotional moment or scene. (in Big Daddy, when he has to let “Frankenstein” go. In Anger Management, at the end when he confesses displays his love for his girlfriend at Yankees stadium, etc) Of all of them, I think THIS scene has the most emotion and is the most heartfelt moment. Just so real, honest … Friendship Love revealed – the best.

You know what I love? Mmm-hmm?
How you just do everything for everybody else
and you never expect anything back.
In fact, when I say thank you, I don’t
know, do you hear that or not?
It’s cute.
And I love…
I just love…
You’re the only person I’ve never lied to in my life.
I swear to God.
I just trust you more than anybody in the world.
You know every secret about me.
I love your smile.
That smile is the magic.
When I’m in the operating room all I think about is,
“All right, 20 more minutes, I get to see the smile.”
It’s just like…
It starts my day, that smile …

Beautiful.  Makes my heart smile.


Good bye …

I have spent the last few years struggling….emotionally, physically, financially – and despite or perhaps in spite of all, I have tried to find love. I always believed if I could find just one person who will love me, have my back, things will make sense. But I learned that you can’t find true anything, especially love when you are so lost and struggling. You find pieces. I have allowed the wrong people in my life the past few years.

I recently found myself so sad, crying inconsolably because an ex found happiness with another woman. Yet when the tears dried, I took a good look in the mirror and asked myself what was that all about – you don’t even want him back. All true. We were toxic together. But in my vulnerable state, I made it all about me and my own feelings of unworthiness. I thought I was too sick, too broke, too old – that is why he is treating her so much better than me. I kept questioning myself and a few friends, why could he change for her but not for me? Why does he love her more than he ever loved me? Ha! My eyes are wide open now.

I am sure there are many of us out there who dated a guy, had some great times with him and then he says something like he doesn’t want to be in a relationship or that he’s not ready to settle down. Then BAM … six months later, you find out he’s engaged to the next woman. Huh? How did that happen? And even more curious still … why her and not me? I have learned, the hard way, it’s not about me. I would obsess about all – what went wrong, how things could have been better, different, what the new woman has that I don’t, etc. I could go on and on, but the real question has been: Why am I obsessing over a man that clearly didn’t want, love or respect me?

No more losing sleep on someone who is just not worth my time nor energy. I can see how my friends may think that all my lamenting means I am not over him, or I want him back. But its not about that. For me, its about learning, accepting, growth. Honestly, it’s not that my ex never recognized that I was a good woman; I truly believe he just wasn’t ready to grow. If we are lucky, we all grow and change over time. Certain experiences, both positive and negative, change us forever.

In any relationship, there are unintended hurts, offenses, and betrayals. Over time some things are resolved, some things are healed, and some things create wounds that begin to erode the relationship despite the attempts to move past it.

When someone new comes into the picture it creates a new dynamic. It’s a clean slate, for one thing. There is none of the history, hurt, and toxicity in the new relationship. Since the new person is different the whole relationship is different. And hopefully we have learned valuable lessons from the last relationship. For me, I choose no more self-blame. I understand now how I allowed some of his behavior. I take responsibility for my part.

Naturally, I have seen him step up when a woman doesn’t take any nonsense – You could say he respects a woman who won’t tolerate his nonsense. But in reality, I shouldn’t care so much how different he is with her. What I see is all surface. I have no idea what is really going down behind closed doors, and I shouldn’t. He’s her problem now.

I logically understand that my ex may remember some of the things that were important to me and do them for his new girl. Since she didn’t have to beg, or even ask, she reacts with delight that he is so thoughtful. He feels good because it she seems so simple to please. Its a beautiful cycle. Yes, basically, she is getting the benefit of my past struggles with him. I get it. At first, trust me, I was hurt, I didn’t like it. But with each passing day, I am a little more thankful. I am even a little happy for him, and her. Yes, I am. They make a great looking couple. I hope it lasts. But then I recall just how bad it was, and just how narcissistic he was. And I almost feel bad for both of them. He has issues that he needs to resolve before getting too serious with anyone. I just hope he receives the help he needs.

A friend reminded me that some people, especially a narcissist don’t really change. He will romance this new lady just like he did me at first. He will be charming, romantic, sensitive, and he will be everything she always wanted in a man. He will tell her how different she is from me, how she is his dream woman, and how I never appreciated him. He will deny any angry outbursts or violence but if he can’t deny it he will explain it away as it being a “very difficult time” in his life – subtly casting the blame on me.

He will make her feel like a princess as long as she is providing something he needs – supporting him financially, admiration, a place to stay, or the “look” of a normal, responsible man. I couldn’t pretend for long – this is why we never worked.

Sadly, for some people, things don’t really change. A person can only hide, run from the truth for a certain amount of time. Eventually she is not going to be enough for him either – she’ll suffer a financial setback, gain some weight, get an illness, or become aware of his crap. The pattern will continue, but luckily not for me.

Yes, I need to accept the fact that my ex is going to treat women in other relationships differently than he treated me. I am learning not to make take it so personally. It’s not a true statement about who I am. My ex failed to see my true value. His loss. So a final good bye. I am working on me – rebuilding my life, my strength, my health, and regaining my self-confidence and just moving on forward … with grace in my step and hope in my heart.


“Til I Get It Right”

Wild Saturday night!! And by that I mean, quality Me time, snuggling on the couch with my fav Chili dog, the fire roaring, M&Ms nearby and watching the movie, Hateship Loveship. Loved it. Based on the talented Alice Munro’s “Hateship, Friendship, Courtship, Loveship, Marriage” stories. Great cast. Love sexy Guy Pearce and the talented Kristen Wiig. Can fake love turn into true love? All believable. We all want love. We all want to root for the underdog. May we all find the courage to go after what we want in such a quiet calm way as Kristen’s character, Johanna, does. Sometimes plain is truly extraordinary when we really see past the usual. I am a sucker for the good girl / bad boy cliche. Still works for me. lol

So if you are snowbound like me and in the mood for a good recipe for a good movie – a good story, wonderful casting – watch this movie.

Fav movie line: “I have what I want.” YES! May we all be so lucky.

Fav movie soundtrack: ‘Til I Get It Right
Written by Hollis De Laughter & Larry Henley
Performed by Tammy Wynette – oldie but a goodie.


Cheating Hearts…

I have been single most of my life. I have had one true love who died way too soon. I am probably not the best person when it comes to relationship advice, I guess. But I know what I want, and what I would do to keep love alive. I have had a few friends and family who have confided in me that their partners have cheated. I always wonder if my love cheated on me what I would do. And the most honest I can ever be with myself and with them – is that it depends. I know that I personally have pushed many people away – many possible loves away with my insecurities about my health and my earlier thinking years ago that I was cheating on my love and his memory if I allowed myself to fall in love again. I think I have worked through most of my own insecurities. I think as we get older, we have to continually grow. Change is inevitable. Love, relationships take constant work. I used to ask my Dad, who claimed to love my Mom until his last breath. They married young, and he cheated on her from day one. He had one night stands and even a full blown out 2 year affair. He always told me that he didn’t get what he needed at home. My Mom finally got tired and divorced my Dad – but not until 20+ years later and a lot of anger, dysfunction, 5 kids screwed up, etc. I was 12 when the divorce was final and was I ever happy. I just knew back then that both of my parents deserved more, different. My Dad had many women in his life. He was a larger than life kind of guy who who died at the young age of 57 due to his excesses. He drank too much, ate too much, gambled too much, and womanized too much. He flirted, he was a charmer, he loved to make others laugh – of course women were attracted to that. He was a romantic deep down inside. Women flirted with him, too, every where we went. I used to shake my head. But he never stopped loving my Mom – not even after she remarried. He just couldn’t give her the security and the stability she needed. I love both my parents. But I do admit to staying away from Latin charming men. I try not to date men who drink too much, who smoke, who gamble. Its what I have taught myself to stay away from. But I digress a tad. I am not sure what I would do if my partner cheated on me. I would like to think I would forgive if it were a moment of weakness; but if my partner engaged in a two-year affair with someone else – I don’t think forgiveness would be forthcoming. A long affair, to me, symbolizes a bigger problem. The partner is a liar. A good one. And I have little tolerance for lies.

I understand attraction to new things, people is normal. Its life affirming and can be fun. But everything has consequences. Every action a reaction. Laws of life, love. Many people cheat because of sex. It is easily available at most. But I think people cheat because of emotional needs. I think my Dad did. I know we all need validation and feel connected. Its only human nature. I think people get caught up in the daily things of life that when they are finally home together, they are not fully present, not fully engaged with each other. They are thinking about tomorrow, and that next work project, the next commitment – they don’t work on the current task of loving their partner. I don’t know. I am always at a loss when I learn of betrayal. I have been betrayed by new beaus and many friends. But not the same when you have spent years building a family, a home and to have the lies, trust becomes a forever issue. Its a loss. People must take the time to mourn and grieve. I know I felt slightly betrayed when Michael died. I felt like he cheated me on a life with him. The feelings don’t last – they are at best slightly out of touch with reality. But they are real feelings, and we must OWN our feelings. Just like the cheating lying partners and people must OWN their part. They must realize that they deserve anger from their partner. There is real trauma. Lives are thrown out of a routine. Being right is less important than compromise. I wish more people could remember that the love they had is first even before children and careers. I wish they could compliment each other more, continue going on dates, holding hands and kissing foreheads. Maybe this is why I will always be single. I don’t want to feel any more loss. I don’t want to settle for less. I want love to be pure and forever present. I want my forever date, and if I am in a relationship, I can’t live without those butterfly kisses and the thumb rubs on my palm. I miss being in love but I won’t settle for cheating hearts. I will continue to listen and try to help my friends who are lost and feel broken. We all feel broken at times.

I know that I, at times, don’t give new people nor relationships many chances. But I am okay with that. I have high standards and am okay alone. I am a loner, for the most part. I like the ideal of love and romance more than I like to settle or put up with less than what I deserve. And, I believe that if you haven’t learned what is important, what is worth fighting for, what is worth keeping, well then you don’t deserve me in your life. The only real affair I need is the one I have with myself. So … Let’s all keep moving forward with grace in our steps and hope in our hearts.


The Letter

I came across this and OMG did it ever resonate with me …. so I had to share. Thanks Leslie @IWantMyKissesBack.

Letter to the emotionally unavailable men of the world:

Dear Mr. I Have A Wall Up –

Please stop wasting my time. It is not my job to break down that wall you put after what’s her name broke your heart. I like mystery but if you give me nothing, that is all I will give you back now. I do not have time to constantly try to prove myself and ask for forgiveness foe a crime I didn’t commit. Stop waiting for Ms. Right to come along and change your whole viewpoint on women and relationships, because we’ll she doesn’t exist. You create distance between people by relying heavily on impersonal means of communication like texting. You press ignore when she calls and you are always busy but the moment she is ready to walk away you give her just enough to keep her there for just a moment longer. You were hurt and since then you refuse to open up to anyone else unless they pry information out of you by threatening to push you over a ledge. You play games with women to see how strong they are, and to see if they will put up with your bs even when you are not willing to put up with theirs. You use humor and sarcasm to cover up your real feelings and even if you miss her you keep it a secret. You will never fall in love because you simply do not allow yourself to do so. You are a wuss and afraid that if you let anyone in that they will do what she did or worse. You think being closed off makes you look cool but instead it makes you look weak. The strongest people in the world are those that allow themselves the opportunity to feel. No girl has ever made your heart skip a beat, except for the nameless one who broke your heart and you go through women like underwear. You leave them confused or even worse heartbroken because they thought you were all in when you were really half assing it the whole time. You keep dating in hopes that the next woman will break that wall down and sweep you off your feet, but it is impossible. Only you can break down that wall and allow love to grow in your heart. Anything worth having involves risks, but without taking those risks, you will never develop a deep emotional connection with anyone. And in the process you will hurt many who were vulnerable enough to open up to you. In the end, you think you are strong because you don’t feel the pain that she does and you move on with ease. But deep down inside, there is a pain that lingers like the aroma left after a fire. You haven’t forgiven that person from your past and you are blaming the world for their mistakes. Guilty until proven innocent. But that, my dear, is not justice….nor is it love. Stop wasting my time and that of others. Work on yourself and once you remove that wall then think about giving me a call, but by then I probably would have moved on to someone who cared enough to give me an honest chance.

Sincerely,
Ms. Tired of Your Crap So Now I don’t Waste My Time With You Anymore

PS : I want my kisses back …


My Love Affair…

Ah my love affair with words…started at a very young age. I used to sit in the closet with a flashlight and just get lost for hours. I’ve always loved to read. When I was a child, being sickly, I wasn’t allowed out to play much, so I would pick up a book and always kept a dictionary close by. If I didn’t know a word I would look it up. I was fascinated by homonyms, synonyms…does anyone even recall the Encyclopedia Britannica? I used to beg my Dad to but the entire collection. Loved to pick one up and learn something totally random. The local library was my favorite hang out. Yes!! I still have a library card. And as much as I like technology, I still prefer buying an actual book rather than use a kindle or nook. I love the feel of books, of turning the page…

I learned early on the power of words. Spoken words had the power to heal or hurt; written words to me had more influence…imagination come to life.

When I was a teenager, I kept journal after journal full of words, thoughts, strings of words….writing helped me stay focused, helped keep the pain at bay.

“Words are pale shadows of forgotten names. As names have power, words have power. Words can light fires in the minds of men. Words can wring tears from the hardest hearts.” ― Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind

“I turned silences and nights into words. What was unutterable, I wrote down. I made the whirling world stand still.”
― Arthur Rimbaud, A Season in Hell/The Drunken Boat

“We live and breathe words. …. It was books that made me feel that perhaps I was not completely alone. They could be honest with me, and I with them. Reading your words, what you wrote, how you were lonely sometimes and afraid, but always brave; the way you saw the world, its colors and textures and sounds, I felt–I felt the way you thought, hoped, felt, dreamt. I felt I was dreaming and thinking and feeling with you. I dreamed what you dreamed, wanted what you wanted–and then I realized that truly I just wanted you.” ― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince

I long for love letters…♥


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