Category Archives: Loss

Echoes of Sorrow …

My heart hurts.  For many years, I have turned down jobs that would have me working back in the Wall Street Financial area of NYC.  I lost the love of my life and friends on 9/11 and couldn’t quite fathom passing the site where the towers and so many lives were destroyed.  

But after 5,321 days – 14 years, 6 months, and 26 days – I find myself working back on Wall Street.  I have to work.  It’s a great opportunity and I am hoping it helps me heal more and keep moving forward.  But today was hard, very hard.  I have been taking a long route to the Path train, avoiding the new WTC Transportation Hub Oculus as much as I can but today I got a little turned around, there is still so much construction near the area – so I found myself on a different side street,  having to pass the Memorial’s teflecting pools.  It took the air out of my lungs.  I couldn’t breathe for a while.  It was beautiful yet so sad.  I didn’t go looking for their names but then I passed one, and then another.  My knees buckled.  And even as I write these words I can’t stop crying. My heart and soul aches.  Chastising myself to grow up, to be strong can’t seem to stop the tears.  I saw a line of people waiting to go into the museum and all I kept thinking is why do people want to gawk at remnants of that fateful day.  I am so confused, so torn, in so much pain.  My thoughts are jumbled, my emotions raw.  I want to scream.  I want everyone to leave.  I want the 2,606 people who perished there to rest in peace.  I am trying to understand.

I am at a crossroads.  All around me are crowds of people, rushing about their day and I find myself glued to the spot where my forever heart’s name is engraved.  I am numb, yet shaking.  I wanted someone to pinch me or drag me away.  I needed to get away.  I could not.

It was all so surreal.  I stopped crying.  I swear the winds spoke to me.  The sun went behind clouds.  And I knew at that precise second, he was there.  Trying to help me.  I felt a calm come over me.  I tried to take photos but seeing them now – all were blurry from my hand shaking.  I can never go back in that direction.  I will never go into the museum.  I will never forget.  But I live the horrors each and every day, I don’t need to see it come alive for me anymore.

I must apologize for the rambling.  I am trying really hard to express myself but I am feeling lost.  My mind muddled like its trying to recall and forget all at the same time. I don’t want to feel so defeated, so lost.

I placed flowers, I prayed, I slowly walked away and then the tears started again.  Leaving yet another piece of my heart there, I boarded the Path with my heart beating so loudly, grace in my step, hope in my heart, tears in my eyes, and a prayer on my lips…missing my forever heart.

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Life love

Do not fall in love with people like me.
I will take you to museums, and parks, and monuments, and kiss you in every beautiful place, so that you can never go back to them without tasting me like blood in your mouth.
I will destroy you in the most beautiful way possible. And when I leave you will finally understand, why storms are named after people.

Caitlyn Siehl, Literary Sexts: A Collection of Short & Sexy Love Poems (Volume 1)


Missing my corner of quiet …

Came across the work of Beau Taplin, and immediately felt it was written for me, by me. I’m not sure if it’s because I relate, or if I’m just good at feeling through words, but this quote went straight through me. When I read the words “a small quiet place” I felt pain in my heart. I just love this quote so much. Beautifully written. Missing my forever heart. Always ♡

“There’s a corner of my heart that is yours. And I don’t mean for now, or until I’ve found somebody else, I mean forever. I mean to say that whether I fall in love a thousand times over or once or never again, there’ll always be a small quiet place in my heart that belongs only to you.”

– Beau Taplin || T h e  C o r n e r  


Cheating Hearts…

I have been single most of my life. I have had one true love who died way too soon. I am probably not the best person when it comes to relationship advice, I guess. But I know what I want, and what I would do to keep love alive. I have had a few friends and family who have confided in me that their partners have cheated. I always wonder if my love cheated on me what I would do. And the most honest I can ever be with myself and with them – is that it depends. I know that I personally have pushed many people away – many possible loves away with my insecurities about my health and my earlier thinking years ago that I was cheating on my love and his memory if I allowed myself to fall in love again. I think I have worked through most of my own insecurities. I think as we get older, we have to continually grow. Change is inevitable. Love, relationships take constant work. I used to ask my Dad, who claimed to love my Mom until his last breath. They married young, and he cheated on her from day one. He had one night stands and even a full blown out 2 year affair. He always told me that he didn’t get what he needed at home. My Mom finally got tired and divorced my Dad – but not until 20+ years later and a lot of anger, dysfunction, 5 kids screwed up, etc. I was 12 when the divorce was final and was I ever happy. I just knew back then that both of my parents deserved more, different. My Dad had many women in his life. He was a larger than life kind of guy who who died at the young age of 57 due to his excesses. He drank too much, ate too much, gambled too much, and womanized too much. He flirted, he was a charmer, he loved to make others laugh – of course women were attracted to that. He was a romantic deep down inside. Women flirted with him, too, every where we went. I used to shake my head. But he never stopped loving my Mom – not even after she remarried. He just couldn’t give her the security and the stability she needed. I love both my parents. But I do admit to staying away from Latin charming men. I try not to date men who drink too much, who smoke, who gamble. Its what I have taught myself to stay away from. But I digress a tad. I am not sure what I would do if my partner cheated on me. I would like to think I would forgive if it were a moment of weakness; but if my partner engaged in a two-year affair with someone else – I don’t think forgiveness would be forthcoming. A long affair, to me, symbolizes a bigger problem. The partner is a liar. A good one. And I have little tolerance for lies.

I understand attraction to new things, people is normal. Its life affirming and can be fun. But everything has consequences. Every action a reaction. Laws of life, love. Many people cheat because of sex. It is easily available at most. But I think people cheat because of emotional needs. I think my Dad did. I know we all need validation and feel connected. Its only human nature. I think people get caught up in the daily things of life that when they are finally home together, they are not fully present, not fully engaged with each other. They are thinking about tomorrow, and that next work project, the next commitment – they don’t work on the current task of loving their partner. I don’t know. I am always at a loss when I learn of betrayal. I have been betrayed by new beaus and many friends. But not the same when you have spent years building a family, a home and to have the lies, trust becomes a forever issue. Its a loss. People must take the time to mourn and grieve. I know I felt slightly betrayed when Michael died. I felt like he cheated me on a life with him. The feelings don’t last – they are at best slightly out of touch with reality. But they are real feelings, and we must OWN our feelings. Just like the cheating lying partners and people must OWN their part. They must realize that they deserve anger from their partner. There is real trauma. Lives are thrown out of a routine. Being right is less important than compromise. I wish more people could remember that the love they had is first even before children and careers. I wish they could compliment each other more, continue going on dates, holding hands and kissing foreheads. Maybe this is why I will always be single. I don’t want to feel any more loss. I don’t want to settle for less. I want love to be pure and forever present. I want my forever date, and if I am in a relationship, I can’t live without those butterfly kisses and the thumb rubs on my palm. I miss being in love but I won’t settle for cheating hearts. I will continue to listen and try to help my friends who are lost and feel broken. We all feel broken at times.

I know that I, at times, don’t give new people nor relationships many chances. But I am okay with that. I have high standards and am okay alone. I am a loner, for the most part. I like the ideal of love and romance more than I like to settle or put up with less than what I deserve. And, I believe that if you haven’t learned what is important, what is worth fighting for, what is worth keeping, well then you don’t deserve me in your life. The only real affair I need is the one I have with myself. So … Let’s all keep moving forward with grace in our steps and hope in our hearts.


At A Loss

I am at a loss today. Trying so hard to keep it together. But my heart is bruised, my head hurts, my body aches … I just feel like I am not in control.

I have heard it all before – everything in life is temporary, pain is part of growing, change is necessary, letting go is vital, worrying and complaining hinder and don’t change/solve anything, my scars are a sign of my struggle, each day is a new step going forward, yes think positive, worry less, etc., etc., – yes, I have heard it all before. I have tried to past a fake smile on my face, and not complain much. To NO avail. I am at a loss.

Lately, I find myself seized by panic attacks — I never know when another one might strike. My heart and mind are in constant overdrive, my weight has been fluctuating, and mild sweats are my constant companion. Oh and let’s not forget the insomnia and when I go days without any sleep, I feel like I living in a prison of anxiety, dizziness, and fatigue. Even worse than this constant helplessness is the very real feeling that my life is no longer my own.

I am at a loss. I need to accept that there are many things I used to be able to do a year ago, I can no longer do. I have already lost so much and now having to accept this loss is taking a big chunk out of my confidence and my attitude of optimism. I am tired of all the pithy things people say to me … I have heard it all before.


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