Category Archives: Longing

I’d Be Lying…

Who knew while flipping channels, I would hear a beautiful voice singing with words that ring so true….

ABC’s the Bachelor brought me to this song …

 

 

Thank you to Bachelor ABC for introducing me to “I’d be lyin'” by Lucy Angel Band!

 

 

 


Living with Cancer

Today … was like coming home, after a long trip. That’s what true friendships and love are …. it’s like coming home. I was finally able to meet up with some friends today and it was a good day. Good days have been far and few in between this winter.

I find myself trying so hard to be strong. Sometimes, I feel so alone, going through cancer, trying not to be a burden to anyone … but then you let your guard down and realize who truly has your back.

I try to put a big smile on my face but at times, all I want to do is curl up and die. Just give up. But then I find myself lucky enough to spend a couple of hours surrounded by friends and my smile is genuine. I still want to curl up, but not die. Lately, I have been too weak for much. But today was a good day. A day of genuine connection. I felt a part of something. And sometimes, that is all we need. Today was a day of hope and hugs.

People ask me on the bad days what chemo is like, how I am feeling – and although I consider myself articulate, I have a really difficult time explaining it. It’s difficult to describe the forest from the trees, right? Chemotherapy side effects are worse than cancer, that’s for sure. With cancer, most of the time you’d hardly know it if some doctor didn’t tell you. I mean, I was pretty hard up by the time they found it in me, but sometimes cancer can go all the way to stage IV and you’d never know it.

Chemo, on the other hand, you can never forget that. Not for a second. There’s no ignoring chemotherapy. It invades every cell by the end of it. You spend months marinating in a stew of toxic wastes that are out to kill you. And I don’t think that’s overly-dramatic. You try it sometime and see if I’m not right. The exhaustion, the pain, the numbness, the forgetfulness, the vague feelings, the full yet empty stomach, the nausea… so many things, feelings. The exhaustion never totally leaves me, and I can’t stand very long, and today was not really different, except that I felt okay, accepted, no one made me feel bad. I got to sit like a statue and was surrounded by good friends… making new memories. Embracing life…with grace in my step and hope in my heart. Not giving up – on people, nor myself.


Some days….

I rarely sleep but today of all days, why did I have to recall a dream? I miss my forever heart, Michael, each and every day. But some days, like today that loss is unbearable. Its been 13 years since I lost Michael. People always say time heals all wounds, loss gets less – lies! With every passing year, with every mistake I make in love, with every wrong person I allow in my life – the loss of my heart becomes greater. The memory of him, of us together is forever embedded in my thoughts and heart.

I don’t think I will ever get used to missing him, wanting to see him one more time. Sometimes, I feel myself falling in love with someone else, but a part of me never fully commits. A part of me, I forever don’t share. At times, think I have come to a good place to allow true love to find me, enter my life, accept someone else – I am reminded that they aren’t Michael. They can never measure up to him. It just hits me all over again. Its such a strong bruise to my heart. Its overwhelming how much I miss him, especially now, today.

It was so easy to be happy with him. It was so easy to just be.
I will always miss him, long for him. My desire for him and my life with him is still strong.

Its so hard lately. Going through so much. Not trusting my instincts.

I understand all too well, how forever can end in an hour, or years from now. I truly appreciate this. I try to make every day count and make every person feel special. Some days, I am taken for granted, and this can be seen as a curse. But I am not changing for anyone. Some people keep knocking me down … and I keep getting up, out of bed, putting one foot in front of the other. Some days, like today, a little sadder, a little harder. But I let my words out, my voice be heard, slowly healing my heart.

When people say get over it – really?! They have never experienced true loss. They can’t nor shouldn’t compare the depth of my despair.

I know I am strong. I am working around my loss, my grief. Many believe I just can’t move on, you know, mourn and cry and be done with it. Why should I have to?! My loss is mine. I own it. I live it. I accept it. I don’t need to forget it. It wasn’t something that was broken. My love was pure. It is pure. It’s something that happened to me. The hole in my heart, will always be there. And each and every second, I try really hard, on finding small ways, of working around it. Loving, respecting and remembering and getting on all at the same time. With grace in my step, tears in my eyes, smile on my face and hope in my heart.


Just venting…

Life. Life sometimes really sucks. Period.

Being a divorced, single, childless woman in my 40s battling cancer yet again is just a sad state to find myself in…again.

Divorced Female, Going Bald, Undergoing Chemo and Radiation, Going Through Menopause, Weight Fluctuations, Mood swings…

Oh yeah, isn’t that the first profile you would click on if you were searching for the love of your life or even just a new ‘friend’ online? Dating in itself – or, I should say, finding someone to date – is never easy. Finding someone when you happen to be bald, going through chemo and/or making daily trips to the hospital for chemotherapy and radiation makes it a zillion times more complicated. Trust me, I know. I have tried it. I am not sure why I have tried it but I did. Logically, I knew it was not the best idea. But heck, I guess I am bored, optimistic, stupid?!

Going through cancer treatment can be really tough for a single woman. You may not have a friend or family member who can be there for you like a partner. You may also worry about how a current or future partner will react when they find out you’ve had cancer.

Perhaps the most private scar left by cancer is the damage done to your view of yourself. My self-image is completely distorted at times. I constantly find myself worried if I can ever catch up, keep up or even get going on most days. I wonder how active I can be and even how long I will live. If I ever even allow myself to think about remarrying one day, I obsess about if I should ever involve a partner in such an uncertain future.

In the past, concerns about having children also affected my relationships. I became infertile many years ago with my first bout of cancer. So alone I am.

I have been single most of my life. And I live by this quote by prixie: “Single is not a status. It is a word that describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.”

Yes I am scared. Tired of not having someone special around. But the reality is I am my own person, and if I can’t enjoy being single, how can I enjoy being with someone else?

The most difficult thing for me about going through cancer yet again is doing it single, alone. In the past, I had a much larger, strong support network so I was hardly ever alone. But now I find myself more alone. At a time when closeness is so much more important, I feel so utterly singularly alone. During this time, my treatment, I am trying so hard to be brave and not complain too much. But staying quiet and calm, doesn’t prevent me from being lonely sometimes and longing for someone to hold me at night and whisper that everything is going to be alright. Or even just to take me to dinner, make me laugh, smile and forget about cancer for a little while, make me feel desirable. I have friends who take pity on me and take me out for dinner, and make me laugh but its just sadly not quite the same thing. Sometimes I just so desperately want to ignore the cancer.

Nearly everyone I encounter who has or has had cancer – friends, people at the hospital, family, people in books and on TV – were either married or in a serious relationship when they were diagnosed; or children with caring parents. Not me. I am in the very vulnerable single state and not having someone to hold my hand every step of the way, makes me wistful, if not angry sometimes. But instead of just being jealous of others in relationships with supportive loving partners, feeling sorry for myself, I keep trying online dating. It makes me feel somewhat normal.

Within minutes of posting a new photo online, I had e-mails from men ready to shower me with attention. Of course, most weren’t exactly my type, but you need to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince, right?! lol

I guess I am lucky somewhat … I have had some really interesting email exchanges, but alas have not found the man of my dreams during treatment. Still, dating during treatment restores my self-confidence, reassures me that I am still attractive, and distracts me enough moments at a time. The way I see it, is that everyone is unique and carries baggage of some kind and this is only one part of me, I guess. Just tired today of carrying all this baggage. Tired of my hand dangling alone.

So yes … Life. Life sometimes really sucks. Period.


Give In To Me

I’m gonna wear you down
I’m gonna make you see
I’m gonna get to you
You’re gonna give in to me

I’m gonna start a fire
You’re gonna feel the heat
I’m gonna burn for you
You’re gonna melt for me

Come on, come on
Into my arms
Come on, come on
Give in to me

You’re gonna take my hand
Whisper the sweetest words
And if you’re ever sad
I’ll make you laugh
I’ll chase the hurt

My heart is set on you
I don’t want no one else
And if you don’t want me
I guess I’ll be all by myself

Come on, come on
Into my arms
Come on, come on (come on)
Give in to me

I’ll use my eyes to draw you in
Until I’m under your skin
I’ll use my lips, I’ll use my arms
Come on, come on, come on
Give in to me

Give in to me …


Longing…

Ever sit still, in utter silence, and hear the rustling leaves and branches on a tree?  If you inhale, hold your breath, and just listen…you can hear the longing from the tree…filled with strength, such a sanctuary.  It’s like a lover’s whisper, irresistible yet scary – filled with more questions than answers at times.

“The Portuguese call it saudade: a longing for something so indefinite as to be indefinable. Love affairs, miseries of life, the way things were, people already dead, those who left and the ocean that tossed them on the shores of a different land – all things born of the soul that can only be felt.”  ― Anthony De Sa, Barnacle Love

We are homesick most for the places we have never known.

“The feelings that hurt most, the emotions that sting most, are those that are absurd – The longing for impossible things, precisely because they are impossible; nostalgia for what never was; the desire for what could have been; regret over not being someone else; dissatisfaction with the world’s existence. All these half-tones of the soul’s consciousness create in us a painful landscape, an eternal sunset of what we are.” ― Fernando Pessoa

“Erotic longing is really a longing to merge with something greater than oneself. For every kind of love is a force that holds the promise of taking us beyond the limitations of our individual lives.”  ― Julianne Davidow

Longing…for home, happiness…all held together by hope.


%d bloggers like this: