Only 39 days left until Sunday – January 1, 2017! 39!! I don’t know where the time goes. Most days, it all seems to pass in a blur … a blur of depression, sadness, hurt, tiredness. The past two years, I have to admit, has seen me at my most vulnerable in real time and not just via words on my blog. I have had some heart-to-heart conversations with family and so-called friends who have hurt me or not been there for me in my darkest hours. I have done a lot of de-cluttering of my life. I may still be alone, but I am at peace.
I have tried to make each year better but I failed so many times. I pray that 2017 is it – the biggest year for me yet. I have been living off the radar, under the bar for so long. Now I just want to shine bright. I want to be noticed – I want to be appreciated.
I wish I knew now what I have learned while dealing with the death of so many loved ones back-to-back. I believe I wouldn’t have lost so many good years due to my mourning. I put myself in such a dark place, such a sinking hole.
Ironically, I have complained that I had no support system but honestly I realize now how much I cut people out, and how easy immediate family made it for me. As for new friends, I rarely let new people in my life the past 15 years. Working hard on trying now. I need and want people in my life – but worthy, deserving people. I want to be able to build each other up, not tear each other down.
For so many years, being strong found me pretending to be okay. I didn’t want to appear weak. But this pretending came with a very high cost which I am still paying the price. I shut people out, I lost interest in so many things, I gave up, I let depression and PTSD keep me mired down in grief. I hid parts of me away. I would not get really close to anyone. I kept to myself, isolated. I didn’t want to be completely vulnerable nor have anyone worry about me. So today, I have no support system and no one is worried about me. I guess I ultimately got what I thought I wanted. Emotional seclusion instead of a complete and utter breakdown is where I have been residing. And the few times I have let myself be honest, forthcoming, and vulnerable, I have been met with lack of understanding. So I withdrew even more.
It’s such a cycle. When a person like me who is already an introvert, keeps everything inside, never fully accepting how messed up I really was, it’s all downhill from there. I find myself trying so hard to crawl out of the dungeon I found myself in. Writing has helped me tremendously. Social media has helped me as well – I get to be somewhat social without actually investing in friendships too much or sharing true intimacy. It has provided an outlet – a necessary one. I need to search and bare my soul. I need some guidance, acceptance, understanding – even if it at first it appears shallow. We all need to feel connected. I’m thankful that social media has brought people back into my life. To me, the past few years have been a rebirth for me – learning how to crawl, walk, talk … all over again. Now I am more than ready to spread my wings and fly away … with hope in my heart and grace in my step.
When connections are real, they simply never die. They can be buried, or ignored or walked away from, but never broken. If you’ve deeply resonated with another person or place, the connection remains despite any distance, time, situation, lack of presence, or circumstance. If you’re doubtful then just try it – go and revisit a person or place and see if there’s any sense at all of the space between now and then.
If it was truly real, you’ll be instantly swept back into the moment it was before it left- during the same year and place with the same wonder and hope, comfort and heartbeat. Real connections live on forever.
“I wish I had done everything on earth with you … ” F. Scott Fitzgerald
Just watched, “Autumn in New York”…and although my love wasn’t lost to me because of an illness, he was taken from me from a worse evil, terrorism. I miss him each and every second of the day.
I’m looking for a way to feel you hold me
To feel your heart beat, just one more time
I’m reaching back, trying to touch the moment
Each precious minute that you were mine
How do you prepare,
when you love someone this way,
To let them go a little more each day?
The stars we put in place
The dreams we didn’t waste
The sorrows we embraced
The world belonged to you and me
The oceans that we crossed
The innocence we’ve lost
The hurting at the end
I’d go there again
cause it was beautiful
It was beautiful
Some days missing you is overwhelming
When it hits me you’re not coming back
And in my darkest hours I have wondered
Was it worth it, for the time we had?
My thoughts get kind of scattered,
but one thing I know is true
I bless the day that I found you, oh oh …
Gracias, no entendia lo que me sucedio, despues de muchos años recien hoy pude entender por que se me permitio conocer a esta persona que saco lo mejor de mi, y tengo que ser feliz por haberlo hecho….♥
I want to be…a survivor, not a victim. I want to be growing, not ignoring; authentic, not flawless…
I had my own idea of grief. I thought it was the sad time that followed the death of someone you love and you had to somehow push through it to get over it, to get to the other side. I am learning with each death, that there is no other side. There is no pushing through anything, but rather, an absorption. Adjustment and acceptance. Grief is not something you complete, but rather learn to endure over time. Grief is not a task to finish and move on from, but an element of yourself.
Grieving is a long and difficult journey. Just when things begin to look better, the calendar slaps you with another reminder of your loss….an anniversary, a birthday, holidays…Sometimes the pain will be deeper ten years after the loss.
There is a Chinese proverb: “We can’t stop the birds from flying over our heads, but we can stop them from nesting in our hair.”
We shouldn’t try to numb our pain, or shut ourselves down from the pain. The feelings we try to conceal will not go away. They will hide below the surface for years to come; sooner or later, they will erupt without warning in ways that can affect your emotional, physical and mental health.
Grief itself is not a feeling. It is a process that can take a lifetime. It is a slow journey towards acceptance, peace and hope.
On my journey…♥