I am sad … and then I feel selfish, and helpless. My Goddaughter lost her baby girl only a few weeks old due to contracting Group B Strep bacterial infection, GBS. I had never heard of this insidious infection. It has robbed my niece of her happy self. Joy so quickly turned to sorrow. And I don’t know how to help her through any of this. I have dealt with my own grief so many times yet these days I am lost as to how to help my own Goddaughter.
I wish I could hug her and tell her things will get better, lighter with time. But I know from my own personal experiences that is a lie. Time doesn’t diminish grief. Time doesn’t make it better. Bad things happen to good people. Things sometimes don’t happen for a good reason.
Logically, I understand and accept that grief is indeed an inevitable part of life; but knowing this doesn’t make getting through the day any easier. Everyone grieves differently and I just wish I could spare my niece this unbearable pain. I don’t know how to make her empty arms not ache to hold her baby girl. I don’t know how to fill the wounded hole in her heart. I don’t know how to lessen the ache she must be feeling each and every minute.
How do I help her heal by letting her know that grieving is more than acceptable? How can I begin to explain to her that loss has taught me to love more and appreciate life even more? How do I show her that by writing, by sharing my own stories, reaching out to others has been my saving grace? How do I teach her that love nor the pain goes away, it doesn’t diminish but when love grows I know there is life with loss, slow part of healing. How do I let her know that she will always have a forever hole in her heart?
How do I show her my very own social face of grief? I worry so much for her since I know how much grief can isolate one. Depression and PTSD have isolated me too much in the past. It has taken me a long time, and much effort to keep getting out of bed and putting one foot in front of the other … and now knowing what I deal with, I wish I could somehow spare my niece even the tiniest bit of this darkness. I pray that she finds the strength to get up, move each day. I know she will stumble and wonder how she can move when her spirits are so weighed down.
How do I let her know that my own grief still paralyzes me at times, that tears still surprise me? How I do I let her know that choosing to live is a choice I make each and every day? How do I express to her that although it has taken me a long time, and I still work at it every day, but I have learned how to live with loss. I wish I could hug her and absorb some of her pain. How do I tell her that it is okay to be happy and let joy in? How do I show her that life changes and you grow from the deepest parts of your soul? How can I show her how to claw from the bottom of despair and such unimaginable sorrow and pain over and over again? How can I explain how grief teaches us to love more and reach deeper in our souls for acceptance for living?
I feel so much more deeply now because of my grief – its a cursing and a blessing. I don’t know how to make things better for my Goddaughter.
I will never stop letting her know I am here … for whatever, whenever. As I continue to work through my own grief, accepting that healing doesn’t mean I am never sad or that my memories fade … instead I try to relive certain memories, smiling through the tears, forever grateful for having those memories … learning how to embrace all of my feelings …. the love, the grief, the pain, the sorrow, the smiles, the joy … with grace in my step and hope in my heart.