Category Archives: Fragile

39 More Days

Only 39 days left until Sunday – January 1, 2017!  39!!  I don’t know where the time goes.  Most days, it all seems to pass in a blur … a blur of depression, sadness, hurt, tiredness.  The past two years, I have to admit, has seen me at my most vulnerable in real time and not just via words on my blog.  I have had some heart-to-heart conversations with family and so-called friends who have hurt me or not been there for me in my darkest hours.  I have done a lot of de-cluttering of my life.  I may still be alone, but I am at peace.

I have tried to make each year better but I failed so many times.   I pray that 2017 is it – the biggest year for me yet.  I have been living off the radar, under the bar for so long.  Now I just want to shine bright.  I want to be noticed – I want to be appreciated.

I wish I knew now what I have learned while dealing with the death of so many loved ones back-to-back.  I believe I wouldn’t have lost so many good years due to my mourning.  I put myself in such a dark place, such a sinking hole.

Ironically, I have complained that I had no support system but honestly I realize now how much I cut people out, and how easy immediate family made it for me.  As for new friends, I rarely let new people in my life the past 15 years.  Working hard on trying now.   I need and want people in my life – but worthy, deserving people.  I want to be able to build each other up, not tear each other down.

For so many years, being strong found me pretending to be okay.  I didn’t want to appear weak.  But this pretending came with a very high cost which I am still paying the price.  I shut people out, I lost interest in so many things, I gave up, I let depression and PTSD keep me mired down in grief.  I hid parts of me away.  I would not get really close to anyone.  I kept to myself, isolated.  I didn’t want to be completely vulnerable nor have anyone worry about me.  So today, I have no support system and no one is worried about me.  I guess I ultimately got what I thought I wanted.  Emotional seclusion instead of a complete and utter breakdown is where I have been residing.  And the few times I have let myself be honest, forthcoming, and vulnerable, I have been met with lack of understanding.  So I withdrew even more.

It’s such a cycle.  When a person like me who is already an introvert, keeps everything inside, never fully accepting how messed up I really was, it’s all downhill from there.  I find myself trying so hard to crawl out of the dungeon I found myself in.  Writing has helped me tremendously.  Social media  has helped me as well – I get to be somewhat social without actually investing in friendships too much or sharing true intimacy.   It has provided an outlet – a necessary one.  I need to search and bare my soul.  I need some guidance, acceptance, understanding – even if it at first it appears shallow.  We all need to feel connected.   I’m thankful that social media has brought people back into my life. To me, the past few years have been a rebirth for me – learning how to crawl, walk, talk … all over again.  Now I am more than ready to spread my wings and fly away … with hope in my heart and grace in my step.


His smile…

Lately I have been seeing my forever heart’s smile everywhere.  I was so afraid for years of losing the essence of him.  I can’t recall the sound of his voice, his laugh, anymore and that hurts my soul.  For many years, I hadn’t been able to look at photos of him, it hurt too much.  He has been gone for 15 years – I wish I knew then how important photos would become – since now I want to recall his face, and I have so few photos of him, of us.  Now if I fall in love, I will take more photos.  Photos have become so much more important to me especially after losing the three most important men in my life.

The other day I just was in total silence, alone, and found myself staring at Michael’s photo – he had such a beautiful smile.  That smile got me through so much.  And now after 15 years of isolating myself, of mourning, of hibernating, I am allowing myself to be fully vulnerable.  I have tried the past three years but I strongly believe the past few months have seen me at my most raw vulnerability and reawakening.

I am open to so many more things and experiences this past year.  I also see the beauty all around me.  I had died when Michael died but I have been given new leases on life and am finally, finally and finally ready to fully live … accepting change, opening my heart … no more  halfheartedly living.  I am no longer just writing about embracing life and I am living and looking for that embrace.

I came across this passage that resonates:

“I’m not sure I’ll ever know the meaning of life or what comes for us after death, but I know it’s more than the hysteria people make it out to be. It’s about freeing your soul when no one else can; turning thirty and still feeling like you’re seventeen. It’s about taking chances on a whim, embracing the rain during the storm, and smiling so damn much that you start to cry. It’s never regretting, never forgetting, and always being.  It’s kissing underwater and touching in the dark. Loving even when you think it’s emotionally impossible and surviving someway and somehow.   It’s about living life with a full heart and an overflowing glass.

I live life on the edge. I dream, I care, and I belong.  I know there’s a here and now.  I know that I want it.”  ―Nadege Richard, 5 Miles 

Yes!!!  After so many years of living like I was dead, I am ready to live life on the edge, in the here and now.  Fully present and aware and accepting.

I am seeing Michael’s smile in others, I am seeing the good and love in others.  I don’t want to lose that smile nor my own ever again.

I heard this stirring song the other day, and I know there will be many days where grief keeps me still, sadness will wash over me, but I don’t want to live there anymore.

I see your face
in the boy that stands beside me
and I just love the way that feels

I heard your laugh
in the cafe on the corner
but that voice belongs to someone else

And I hoped to find you
standing by my side forever
where we would have stayed
for always

And I’d hoped to feel you
holding my hand in your hand
where we would have stayed
always

I’m sure I felt
your warm breath on my shoulder
the breeze was playing with my mind

I know we had to be apart
these thoughts are locked away inside my heart
I know you never meant to leave me here behind

And I hoped to find you
standing by my side forever
where we would have stayed
for always

I miss you
and I need you

And I hope to find you
standing by my side forever
where we would have stayed
for always
And I’d hoped to feel you
holding my hand in your hand
where we would have stayed
always

My love for you has been torn apart
left me stranded
left me in the dark

Love that started out with open doors
has been put back into pause

My thoughts of you will keep me going strong
I think of you holding on
just one more day I forever crave
Always

And I miss you

 

 

 

 


Some days….

I rarely sleep but today of all days, why did I have to recall a dream? I miss my forever heart, Michael, each and every day. But some days, like today that loss is unbearable. Its been 13 years since I lost Michael. People always say time heals all wounds, loss gets less – lies! With every passing year, with every mistake I make in love, with every wrong person I allow in my life – the loss of my heart becomes greater. The memory of him, of us together is forever embedded in my thoughts and heart.

I don’t think I will ever get used to missing him, wanting to see him one more time. Sometimes, I feel myself falling in love with someone else, but a part of me never fully commits. A part of me, I forever don’t share. At times, think I have come to a good place to allow true love to find me, enter my life, accept someone else – I am reminded that they aren’t Michael. They can never measure up to him. It just hits me all over again. Its such a strong bruise to my heart. Its overwhelming how much I miss him, especially now, today.

It was so easy to be happy with him. It was so easy to just be.
I will always miss him, long for him. My desire for him and my life with him is still strong.

Its so hard lately. Going through so much. Not trusting my instincts.

I understand all too well, how forever can end in an hour, or years from now. I truly appreciate this. I try to make every day count and make every person feel special. Some days, I am taken for granted, and this can be seen as a curse. But I am not changing for anyone. Some people keep knocking me down … and I keep getting up, out of bed, putting one foot in front of the other. Some days, like today, a little sadder, a little harder. But I let my words out, my voice be heard, slowly healing my heart.

When people say get over it – really?! They have never experienced true loss. They can’t nor shouldn’t compare the depth of my despair.

I know I am strong. I am working around my loss, my grief. Many believe I just can’t move on, you know, mourn and cry and be done with it. Why should I have to?! My loss is mine. I own it. I live it. I accept it. I don’t need to forget it. It wasn’t something that was broken. My love was pure. It is pure. It’s something that happened to me. The hole in my heart, will always be there. And each and every second, I try really hard, on finding small ways, of working around it. Loving, respecting and remembering and getting on all at the same time. With grace in my step, tears in my eyes, smile on my face and hope in my heart.


Energy Fading…

Another week passed, few days closer to the holidays. I am tired of the person I see in the mirror. My health has become stagnant, so has my life. I find myself pushing good people away, and wanting the bad people to want me. I make no sense these days. My emotions are forever on a see-saw. Loneliness is not when you don’t have anyone with you – its when you have many people around you, but not the one you so desperately want. God, can I miss the men in my life anymore than I already do?? I want my brother, my father and my forever heart Michael just for one more day. Other times, I think wow, how easy would it be to just succumb to the pain of my life and the tumors raging inside my body and just be with them. I try so hard not to pray for death but for life. Most days I fail, especially lately. I am broken. My heart, my spirit, broken. I am lost. This time of year is just so hard. I let so very few people see the real pain behind my smile. Am I just too quiet for the world? A doormat?

I know I am a smart person, my IQ says so…but for the past ten years, I have made so many stupid mistakes. I know deep in my smart mind, that I should never allow myself to get attached to anyone unless they also feel the same towards you, because one sided expectations can mentally destroy us. Yes, they can. Lately the worst feeling is being used by someone who I thought actually, genuinely cared for me. I know I love with all I have, I give all that I have. When I love, I see no limitations. But I have to keep reminding myself, if someone hurts me, betrays me, I must love myself more, enough to let go.

I understand the theory of letting go all too well. Just tired of it. Tired of living it. I know….how we need to walk away sometimes, not to make someone else realize how worthy I am, but for me to fully understand and accept my own self worth. I know every heart has a story to tell – I just wish mine would be more about life than death; about light, than darkness.

I know today I look extra sad…mirrors don’t lie. I am actually sad every day, but today, well I just don’t have any more energy left.


Crushed…

Talk about being socially inept! I am not sure how I ended up as a mid 40s, intelligent woman still harboring an unrequited crush. As I write, I somehow hope that my embarrassment, stupidity doesn’t manifest itself in other ways. I stalk his Facebook page, I “like” his photos or comments way too quickly. It is becoming so sadly obvious. I know I need to un-friend him – but we have so many long-time friends in common. We end up in a lot of the same places. You think I would know how to get over a guy I had a crush on but never went out with more than once, and just find someone more suitable, more available, more willing. But sadly, I don’t date much and my cues are all mixed up. I think way too much, replay things, analyze too much, leading to obsessing over the slightest attention or sign from them. Ugh. I am so not liking myself right now. I detest that whole – could have, should have, if only rationalizing ordeal. For the last few days, I have taken each inch of interest from him as a never ending mile.

I was so proud of myself for the past month for finally taking that leap of faith, flirting, believing that their interest matched my level. But I am finally accepting the fact the its all been one-sided, and I logically accept that I was more in love with the idea of a having someone special in my life than really paying attention to his true motives, actions, intentions. I see clearly now that he liked the fact that I was into him. And in his knowing how I felt, I feel slightly used. He did string me along so that he can feel loved without doing any of the work himself. I know I don’t deserve this.

So after talking incessantly over him with a friend, I will start flirting with someone else, stop stalking their FB, atop playing that game of ‘what if’ and just keep moving it forward and hopefully, just hopefully my heart and thoughts will find another crush that may just manifest itself into something real. A girl can dream.


Give In To Me

I’m gonna wear you down
I’m gonna make you see
I’m gonna get to you
You’re gonna give in to me

I’m gonna start a fire
You’re gonna feel the heat
I’m gonna burn for you
You’re gonna melt for me

Come on, come on
Into my arms
Come on, come on
Give in to me

You’re gonna take my hand
Whisper the sweetest words
And if you’re ever sad
I’ll make you laugh
I’ll chase the hurt

My heart is set on you
I don’t want no one else
And if you don’t want me
I guess I’ll be all by myself

Come on, come on
Into my arms
Come on, come on (come on)
Give in to me

I’ll use my eyes to draw you in
Until I’m under your skin
I’ll use my lips, I’ll use my arms
Come on, come on, come on
Give in to me

Give in to me …


Life is fragile…RIP Rodney ♥

Today I received another sad reminder of how short life truly is. Lost another friend today, on this cold, rainy April day. So deeply saddened to hear of my friend, my classmate, my fellow Piscean – Rodney’s passing, for his family’s loss.

My heart is heavy and I am compelled to write, to attempt to unleash some of my feelings, my sadness. But words somehow also seem so hard and inadequate to express the sadness I am feeling. Rodney’s sudden and unexpected death is a painful reminder of how fragile and short life truly is. Try to live in the moment. I have dealt with too much death, passing of loved ones. And it doesn’t get easier; if anything it gets harder. Constant reminders of how mortal we are. Any time there is a tragedy, a sudden unexpected death I am once again reminded that life is so fragile. It also reminds me to focus on the present, to let the hurts and disappointments of the past slip away, and let go of the concerns and fears of the future. Life is way too precious to hold onto regrets, bitterness. Plans, our upcoming June school reunion, now just seem so trivial by comparison. Need to re-evaluate my personal priorities. What becomes more precious is the time spent with loved ones. My friend’s passing is yet another wake-up call to take care of ourselves, emotionally and physically. We need to treasure every moment, take notice of the value of time…time waits for no one.

Rodney’s sudden and unexpected death is a painful reminder of the extreme fragility of life. Rodney was such a strong, vibrant person. I will miss his daily Facebook uplifting quotes and funny posts. As I sit here, staring at the words as I type, attempting to make sense of this profound sadness I am feeling, it grows darker outside the window. Words and sentences, like me, have difficulty breathing in this space. One of the most important things any of us can do now is to try to find some meaning in tragedy, and to honor and offer our gratitude for those who have been taken away from us too early.

Heaven has another angel. Holding tight onto my memories and letting them guide me through this sadness and realization that life and health are fleeting. ♥

October 2013 Reunion - RIP Rodney ♥

October 2013 Reunion – RIP Rodney ♥


Missing my ♥….

Just watched, “Autumn in New York”…and although my love wasn’t lost to me because of an illness, he was taken from me from a worse evil, terrorism.  I miss him each and every second of the day.

I’m looking for a way to feel you hold me
To feel your heart beat, just one more time
I’m reaching back, trying to touch the moment
Each precious minute that you were mine
How do you prepare,
when you love someone this way,
To let them go a little more each day?

CHORUS
The stars we put in place
The dreams we didn’t waste
The sorrows we embraced
The world belonged to you and me
The oceans that we crossed
The innocence we’ve lost
The hurting at the end
I’d go there again
cause it was beautiful
It was beautiful

Some days missing you is overwhelming
When it hits me you’re not coming back
And in my darkest hours I have wondered
Was it worth it, for the time we had?
My thoughts get kind of scattered,
but one thing I know is true
I bless the day that I found you, oh oh …

Gracias, no entendia lo que me sucedio, despues de muchos años recien hoy pude entender por que se me permitio conocer a esta persona que saco lo mejor de mi, y tengo que ser feliz por haberlo hecho….♥

 

 


T’s Pushing people away…again…

Trying really hard not to.  Every time I get sick, start feeling overwhelmed, feeling sorry for myself, I push people away.  I just can’t deal.  Some people make it easy.  My true friends give me the space I need but they won’t allow me to fully disappear.  Thank goodness.  I wish I could take back some things the past two weeks.  But I guess we really don’t get do-overs, do we?!

Yes, a part of me understands why things had to happen this way. I understand the reasons for causing me this pain and anxiety . But mere understanding does not chase away the hurt nor pain.  There are times when life suddenly casts a shadow before us: we suffer for sins we did not even commit, we go through situations we certainly do not deserve to be in. In such times, we have so many questions throbbing at the back of our minds, but the biggest of them all is “WHY?”  “Why ME!?!  Again…”

Pain = Pushed people away = Higher anxiety ~ Cycle?!

I have sadly learned that an answer is not really forthcoming.  I know I will not hear answers to these questions; the pain remains, life stands still, and I can’t do anything but wait ‘til everything’s over, until I can move on again like I used to, when my body didn’t fail me and my heart wasn’t shattered yet into the thousand lonely pieces they broke into.  Here is my most important question, and that is “HOW?”

How do I deal with my feelings of brokenness? How to continue moving forward? Where is my smile again?  Like many people, I’ve been through dark and painful moments in my life as well, moments I wanted to skip, moments when what I really wanted the most is to have my own time machine so I can either go back where I was happy, or fast forward anywhere in the future where I can find myself again. But no machine like that has ever been invented yet, and the only way to move from the terrible place where I stand is to continue going through the dark tunnel ahead that will lead me towards the new beginning I’m looking forward to.   *sigh*  I know once I do what the doctors suggest, I will be back on my journey.  But am I really ready?!

Sending an apology to my friends…out into the universe… I don’t mean to push you away.

I don’t have a fear of intimacy.  I don’t fear someone seeing the real me (well maybe this minute since my eyes hurt from crying).  I don’t fear someone might leave me.  I don’t fear that I might get hurt.  I recently met someone who I feel sabotaged their relationships, by allowing fear push people away.  I felt like it was the good old, “I’m gonna get you before you get me” syndrome, where someone behaves poorly to drive the other person away or just flat out breaks-up for no real good reason.  I have also seen people who sabotage themselves by consistently looking for things to fight about, to be jealous about or to be critical of.

But that’s not me – today I am admitting that I am pushing some people away because I have this inane belief that they can’t handle my life.  My uncertainty.  My getting sick.  My honesty.

So I am trying so hard to find and hold onto…accept, challenge, patience, love, strength, don’t dwell, learn, pray, laugh, cry, believe…keep breathing…hoping…

I don’t plan too far ahead…too much expectation, too much disappointment, too much illusion.  I tend to live from day to day.  Mostly it’s from moment to moment…gets me to the next step.  Pain is pain and suffering is suffering. There is no magic pill or any kind of painkiller that we can take to prevent us from feeling our hurts. We have to bear it head on and cling to the thought that things will definitely change for the better.  “I have deep sorrow today, and an unclear vision of the future. But nobody ever died of loneliness – only of hopelessness! As long as I have hope, no problem is ever too difficult, no night ever so dark that it can prevent the rising of another day!”

Can joy still exist even in my sorrows?!

Yes – although right this second, as I write this I am not fully embracing this but I do believe that joy and sorrow can definitely exist at the same time.  Someone deep down, I know I am going to get through this current hurdle.   Somewhere in my heart, there is a chamber of joy that has remained intact, untouched, forever guiding me in me most troublesome days and paths.  Faith, hope, loving myself…protects me and my happiness.

I didn’t realize the power of a secret I’ve been keeping. I didn’t notice the constant weight hanging on my shoulders. I didn’t realize the enormity of it all until I let it out today and now again via this post and I feel like I am slowly learning how to breathe again.

It’s nice to put trust into someone who speaks in “when’s” and not “if’s.” It’s nice to know that, despite how heavy and deep and painful a secret may be, there’s at least one person who’s willing to accept what you’ve told them and be honest when they tell you, “it’s not okay…but you’re going to be.”  Thank you – you know who you are….my rock, my sanity.  And ♥mm♥ is there too – even with September 11 fast approaching and my sadness hitting an all time high.  Talk about timing!

I have allowed some wrong people in my life this year, as well as learning to cherish the right people.  Still learning.  I think I will continue to look at most things as though they are my first time, as though it will be my last.  I will continue to pray, smile, and love!


Woman’s Best Friend…♥

I am in a very emotional state today – over tired, lack of sleep – I have not stopped crying  since early this morning at 5am when I had to leave my poor Chili dog home alone feeling poorly since I had to come into work.  Makes me sick to see him so listless, staring up at me.  And this brings up so many feelings…makes me realize that he won’t live forever and how I felt when I had to put his older brother down two years ago.  Still so raw.   I can’t even write this without tears streaming down my face.

I know that there are some people that won’t understand this post. People that have never loved a dog like a family member and people that look at dogs as nothing more than pets. But for those who have loved a dog like I have, I know you will understand this.   Please bear with me here as I feel a need to write this down as a form of therapy for myself and it’s my small attempt at a tribute for the most incredible dog that I have ever known. My emotions and thoughts are over the place so this might not even come out as coherent but I’m going to do my best.

I had not started this blog when I had to put my Cairn Terrier, Scruffy, down in 2009. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done and I still miss him like crazy on most days.  If I didn’t already have Chili, my Boston Terrier,  I don’t think I would want another dog again because I hate the thought of losing him too already and he’s only 7.   So hard to go through the pain and loss.   But these couple of years, I am SO glad that I’ve had Chili with me.  He’s been great at giving me comfort and helping me remember why animals bring so much joy into our lives. I’m a dog person through and through. And even though it’s hard and painful to think about them getting older and passing away, the time spent with them is so worth it in the end.  It’s hard loving these little animals that sneak their way into your hearts but at the same time, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I truly believe they were put on earth to bring us joy and companionship and I’m happy that I am still able to see that the benefits far outweigh the heartache.

I’m not writing this for a pity party, but I have this story inside of me and today it’s coming out for whatever reasons.  It’s a story that defines me and how we all grieve and seek comfort in different ways.

The year I decided to get Scruffy, was a very lonely, bleak time for me. I was trying to finish college, but I learned I was back out of remission, and trying to concentrate in class, be a normal young lady, thinking of guys, makeup and dates wasn’t working.   Dealing with the realization that I could die was too much for me.  And while this story is one of the most monumental times in my life, it’s not about my illness solely nor about my struggles graduating college.  It’s about the one who got me through that time.  Everything and mostly everyone seemed so trivial compared to what I was going through and what really mattered.  Looking back on that moment all these years later, I know that it was him who picked me.  Scruffy was everything I needed during that time and more.

I wish I could really describe what he meant to me but I don’t think I will ever be able to adequately talk about my best friend during the hardest part of my life. He became my companion and a true friend more than just a dog; he was there with me through everything.   When I went to Seattle for 6 months for a clinical study, he was allowed to be with me.  When I discovered my love for hiking, he was with me.  When I went out to alfresco dining, he was always at my feet…at dog-friendly restaurants.  He slept next to me at night, he kept me laughing and happy for the first time in a long time, and he gave me a reason to be excited when I came home from school and the hospital instead of to an empty apt. He brought life back into me and I don’t know how I would have gotten through that time without him.  I never felt lonely with Scruffy anymore, because wherever I was, he was always by my side.   And now with just Chili, I don’t feel alone neither.   I brought Chili home one day when he was only 3 months old and about to get destroyed and Scruffy was already 12 years old.  Scruffy never became jealous – on the contrary – he welcomed his new little sick brother with open paws – sharing his bed and toys…just not his food.  Scruffy loved to eat!

Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end…that day came when I made the hardest decision I have ever had to make to put my best friend down.  Scruffy had been showing signs of aging for the last few years and I knew it was just a matter of time for him.  I couldn’t bear seeing him suffer anymore. After living in denial about his health those last few months, I was forced to confront it.  After a lot of talking, crying and prayer I knew I couldn’t deny any longer that my full-of-life puppy had turned into an old dog and it was only for my own selfish reasons to keep him alive any longer.

As I stood next to him in the vet’s room, I put my arms around him one last time and began whispering in his ear. His tail slowly wagged back and forth as I petted him and I spoke softly so only he could hear. I thanked him for being the best dog I could ask for, I thanked him for crawling into my lap 16 years ago, and for tugging at my hert strings; I thanked him for every way he had ever loved me and most important – I thanked him for bringing me back to life.

There was one night not so long ago, that I remember so well and probably the memory that I will always think of how both of my dogs have impacted my life…it was the first holidays without Scruffy, and I put up the Christmas tree and then went to bed in tears, recalling how much Scruffy would love laying under the tree.  And that night Chili jumped on the bed when he heard me crying in the dark. I pulled back the covers to let him in; he laid down by my side, put his head on the pillow next to mine and just stayed there while I cried my eyes out. I put both of my arms around him for a tight hug and he would lick my face from time to time and stayed awake with me until I finally fell asleep a few hours later. It was one of the most touching nights with him and a night that I had never appreciated him more.  He just seemed to know when I needed him most and never failed to be there for me…Scruffy taught him well.

Sometimes I feel guilty but no matter how much I love Chili {and I really do love him}, he will never be my Scruffy.   Chili is my baby but Scruffy was my best friend…♥

There is a favorite quote of mine from the movie, “Marley and Me” that will always make me think of Scruffy:

“A person can learn a lot from a dog, even a loopy one like ours. Marley  Scruffy taught me about living each day with unbridled exuberance and joy, about seizing the moment and following your heart. He taught me to appreciate the simple things – a walk in the woods, a fresh snowfall, a nap in a shaft of winter sunlight. And as he grew old and achy, he taught me about optimism in the face of adversity. Mostly, he taught me about friendship and selflessness, and above all else, unwavering loyalty.”

Oh my Scruffy, you were the best of the best and there will never be another like you.   Thank you for teaching Chili and I how to love and live again.  ♥

My Chili Dog

My serious Chili Dog

The Ortiz Brothers
My Boys

My Best Friend


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