Only 39 days left until Sunday – January 1, 2017! 39!! I don’t know where the time goes. Most days, it all seems to pass in a blur … a blur of depression, sadness, hurt, tiredness. The past two years, I have to admit, has seen me at my most vulnerable in real time and not just via words on my blog. I have had some heart-to-heart conversations with family and so-called friends who have hurt me or not been there for me in my darkest hours. I have done a lot of de-cluttering of my life. I may still be alone, but I am at peace.
I have tried to make each year better but I failed so many times. I pray that 2017 is it – the biggest year for me yet. I have been living off the radar, under the bar for so long. Now I just want to shine bright. I want to be noticed – I want to be appreciated.
I wish I knew now what I have learned while dealing with the death of so many loved ones back-to-back. I believe I wouldn’t have lost so many good years due to my mourning. I put myself in such a dark place, such a sinking hole.
Ironically, I have complained that I had no support system but honestly I realize now how much I cut people out, and how easy immediate family made it for me. As for new friends, I rarely let new people in my life the past 15 years. Working hard on trying now. I need and want people in my life – but worthy, deserving people. I want to be able to build each other up, not tear each other down.
For so many years, being strong found me pretending to be okay. I didn’t want to appear weak. But this pretending came with a very high cost which I am still paying the price. I shut people out, I lost interest in so many things, I gave up, I let depression and PTSD keep me mired down in grief. I hid parts of me away. I would not get really close to anyone. I kept to myself, isolated. I didn’t want to be completely vulnerable nor have anyone worry about me. So today, I have no support system and no one is worried about me. I guess I ultimately got what I thought I wanted. Emotional seclusion instead of a complete and utter breakdown is where I have been residing. And the few times I have let myself be honest, forthcoming, and vulnerable, I have been met with lack of understanding. So I withdrew even more.
It’s such a cycle. When a person like me who is already an introvert, keeps everything inside, never fully accepting how messed up I really was, it’s all downhill from there. I find myself trying so hard to crawl out of the dungeon I found myself in. Writing has helped me tremendously. Social media has helped me as well – I get to be somewhat social without actually investing in friendships too much or sharing true intimacy. It has provided an outlet – a necessary one. I need to search and bare my soul. I need some guidance, acceptance, understanding – even if it at first it appears shallow. We all need to feel connected. I’m thankful that social media has brought people back into my life. To me, the past few years have been a rebirth for me – learning how to crawl, walk, talk … all over again. Now I am more than ready to spread my wings and fly away … with hope in my heart and grace in my step.