Category Archives: Laughter

Need A Spark …

Well I am trying to be more social again and start dating …yes trying again to put myself out there and be open minded.  Agreed to meet a nice looking, age appropriate man for coffee.  The night before we talked on the phone for three hours…yes, 3 hours!  We talked about so much even politics.  It was refreshing.   So when we meet today – conversation is easy.  He is a great listener as well as a good speaker.  Bur we talked about work, skills – more professional than personal.  There was no romantic spark.  And I find myself home, writing this post, feeling a little sad.  On paper he fits all my criteria – he is dark-haired and handsome.  He is employed. He is Christian.  He believes in family.

But I touched his hand … and nothing.  We chastely kissed at the door – I felt nothing.  Well, ironically there was jolt of static cling electricity but not a true chemical spark.  So no spark, now what??

Now I am tired of all my friends saying I am too picky, or I don’t give men a chance.  But how long do you wait for the spark to develop?    How long should you give to see if there is true chemistry?  I am mature and intelligent enough to understand that sparks are usually temporary and they don’t normally last.  Compatibility lasts.  Logic.  But I have lived too many years without true love and passion.  Don’t I deserve it?  Don’t I deserve the butterflies?  Don’t I deserve to feel that zing, that unexplained must-have chemistry, pure magic??  Do I have to settle?  No I refuse to settle.  I need to feel that spark.  Soon!  I totally accept that love at first sight is beyond rare.  I need to accept that we may need to allow for the slow burn of attraction, let our first meeting date jitters to pass and try to get to know each other.

The guy I met today is into the gym and working out hard, faithfully and is very physically, outdoorsy active.  I am more a home body and I have let myself go a little sideways, struggling with weight, body image issues, hitting 50 and pre-menopausal.  So maybe he wasn’t physically attracted to me hence no spark.  I don’t know.  Maybe I don’t care too much right not to learn otherwise.  Maybe he has zero boyfriend potential; maybe he is indeed just a nice guy.  Perhaps there isn’t enough chemistry for a relationship. But seriously how many ‘dates’ do I need to go on to find out??

I will try harder to keep from closing off.  I just don’t want to be that girl – every man’s buddy – where they think I am a great lady, we talk for hours, laugh, but they use me as sounding board.  They want to hang out, talk about their job, family and dating woes, ask for advice but ultimately there is no shared attraction, no sexual interest.  No passion.

So we didn’t make plans to meet up again, but we did text already tonight when he got home.  Maybe we will just be friendly.  I don’t know.  I would go out with him again though if asked.  I think it’s rare to know whether we have real dating potential with someone after only a few hours.  I do enjoy conversing with him.  He has a great phone voice as well.  Easy on the eyes, yes.  Who knows….

So as much as I didn’t get that instant overwhelming attraction to him, we still got along.  Time will tell I guess.

Remaining positive … with hope in my heart and grace in my step … learning how to sashay.

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Size Matters …

Most of my life, I have only been attracted to tall men.  Yes, I know – what woman isn’t?! But for some reason – just today, I swear today as I find myself yet alone this gorgeous weather weekend and watching how my step Dad treats my Mom after 35 years of marriage, I truly admit to myself I do not want to be alone.  Being alone in the hospital, being alone in bed, being alone in line, always alone is not how I want to live my life anymore.  Sure I am okay alone, but who wants to be just okay??

It also dawned on me, after having an hour long conversation with a nice, shorter man that I have been guilty of perpetuating the stupid stereotypes that pervade our society and way of thinking for far way too long.  Being obsessed with height — in a way that I would never obsess about any one of their other qualities — has been bad for me, bad for my dating experiences, and reinforces a society that says physical traits we can’t control are more important than who we really are.  If I want to truly find someone willing to accept and love me -warts and all – then I need to do the same … somehow.

Height was always one of those inane deal breakers, for me.  I never minded what a man did to earn a living, as long as he was hard working, honest, dependable, stable.  I never minded what kind of car a man drove.  I never expected a man to buy me jewelry or take me to expensive places.  It never mattered to me what religion a man was as long as he was spiritual, caring, kind, thoughtful, empathetic.

But that towering look, that false sense of security I would have walking next to a tall man  – is just that – false.  I get it.  I was surrounded by tall men growing up – at my 5’2″ that is an easy thing to accomplish.  My grandfather, my Dad, my brother, my favorite male cousins all were 6 feet or taller.  They made me feel safe, so I equated that with their height.  I need to rethink this.  Sure, I thought I was most attractive when I look itty bitty compared to my male partner.  But really, should this matter?  How superficial is this really coming across?

I need to re-evaluate my thoughts on the ideal man – for me, myself.  I truly want someone who is confident, a man who is secure in his own skin (and height), who shows they can handle unfamiliar people or situations.  A man who actually listens – hears what I am saying, takes the time to understand me, and makes time for me.  A generous man would be ideal – and I don’t mean springing for dinner at a four-star restaurant – I crave his willingness to give his time and lend an ear and a helping hand or two.

I have learned that I want a man who is intelligent – and I don’t mean he needs to have a degree or two, or MD after his name – want a worldly, interesting man – a take-charge type; a problem solver, a man who is always trying to learn; improve, means to me, never boring.  Intelligence is sexy!  I need to know they are passionate about things. When a man, heck a person for that matter, is passionate about something, anything – their face lights up – it’s proof that they care for and about something beyond themselves.  That is contagious. It’s inspiring to me and lets me know that he is living a life he loves.  Oh who doesn’t need a sense of humor?!  Being able to laugh at the stresses of this world is a must.  My life is harsh reality at best – so I truly need to let my hair down and just cry laughing.

Yes, so many real tangible qualities I am looking for in a man – his height should not be the deal breaker.  I am going to recite this to myself each and every day.

I know what I want, deserve – now I just have to find some time and make a real effort in finding it.  I want that hand holding, caress of the face, sit next to each other watching TV kind of life … in search of my lobster … with grace in my step and hope in my heart …

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Drip Giggles & Dreams

What do a group of women with a lovely cocktail of avastin via an IV drip decide to watch on the hospital TV? Sex And The City … of course. lol What a funny morning. Laughter truly is the best medicine.

The most memorable line that resonated with me from the SATC reruns:

Carrie Bradshaw: “Then I realized, no one had told her about the end of love in Manhattan. Welcome to the age of un-innocence. No one has breakfast at Tiffany’s, and no one has affairs to remember. Instead, we have breakfast at seven a.m., and affairs we try to forget as quickly as possible. Self-protection and closing the deal are paramount. Cupid has flown the co-op!”

I am still going to hold onto hope for a life that can so romantically be summed up like a movie title. A girl can dream… or maybe its the fever talking!! 🙂


On My Journey….Surviving…

Today marks a year that I was hit by a car. I have yet to cross the street where it all happened. But it’s a new years goal that I am confident I will conquer and reach.

Whenever I feel like something is missing, I know it means I need to get out of my comfort zone, explore, shake things up and have fun. Sometimes it leads to a whole new direction for my whole life, which is the ultimate adventure.

This whole past year has been about feeling the fear and trying to find ways around that fear without it fully debilitating me. I love what I’m learning about myself and the growth I’m feeling. I’m learning a bit of fear is not the worst thing in the world!

One of the most upsetting thing though is how my mind keeps flashing these “alternate reality” scenarios in my head. PTSD! I still experience these horrible, mini movies where if it were just a few seconds off . . .or if the car was going faster…I keep thinking how I may not have survived or I could have been injured so much worse. Sometimes, I close my eyes, these images, flashbacks arise.

I know and have accepted that a shift in my life has occurred. I have been working really hard and not letting myself feel disappointed. But I have found that this year, as I have done in the past, I have looked for ways to control situations and prevent myself from feeling sad. Externally, I was upbeat and smiled, but inside I wondered why I had started to be afraid to cross busy streets, and why I trembled going to work, getting on a crowded train, especially if snowing and cold outside. I used up all of my vacation time this past year of 2013. I found myself preferring to stay indoors.

At times, it felt like my world was crumbling, but I knew I would not have made it that far had I not had hope. I just needed to take the time to heal. Needed time to focus not on what I lack, but what still remains. Life continues to be challenging. My dominant right hand still swells making it difficult to do my job a lot. I get tired and frustrated more easily but even there I am getting better at controlling.

So, yes, today marks a year since the accident. Sometimes it feels like it was five years ago; other times, especially when my hand swells and the pain is too much, I feel like it was just yesterday. No matter what day it is, I take the time to connect. In the morning, I lie on my back and breathe. Sometimes I cry. More so these day, I find myself smiling. Laughter happens often. There is no shame. Just one incredible journey…Busy living my life…on a true journey of learning to love myself, letting go of my fears…I find myself smiling more every day, looking forward to tomorrow, enjoying today, creating moments, giggling at the mere hint of the possibilities …breathing…inhaling, exhaling… I know the best is yet to come…I just know…keeping hope in my soul…grace in my step…love in my heart.

“She is delightfully chaotic; a beautiful mess. Loving her is a splendid adventure.” – Steve Maraboli


I would die for you. But I won’t live for you….

“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.”

“I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.”

“It’s much easier to not know things sometimes. Things change and friends leave. And life doesn’t stop for anybody. I wanted to laugh. Or maybe get mad. Or maybe shrug at how strange everybody was, especially me. I think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and than make the choice to share it with other people. You can’t just sit there and put everybody’s lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can’t. You have to do things. I’m going to do what I want to do. I’m going to be who I really am. And I’m going to figure out what that is. And we could all sit around and wonder and feel bad about each other and blame a lot of people for what they did or didn’t do or what they didn’t know. I don’t know. I guess there could always be someone to blame. It’s just different. Maybe it’s good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, I think that the only perspective is to really be there. Because it’s okay to feel things. I was really there. And that was enough to make me feel infinite. I feel infinite.”
― Stephen ChboskyThe Perks of Being a Wallflower


Embraced by the light…joie de vivre…♥

So…another Wednesday, another morning at occupational therapy….no pain, no gain – HA!

I ran into someone I knew from HS – well, my therapy building is near my old stomping grounds – not far from our High School.  We stopped for coffee afterwards, chatting, catching up – and she made me cry…not maliciously – but nonetheless…felt more like support therapy rather than occupational, physical therapy – maybe both are needed in tandem.

I walked away replaying parts of the conversation and feeling grateful.  She said to me that there is a light about me, that draws people to me….that its probably because I have been through so much and am very grateful, appreciative and that people pick up on this and just want to be near me.  She said I was full of joy and my smile radiates.  I was like wow, really??!!   Hmmm….

All I know is that I am trying really hard to de-clutter my life.  Stay away from drama and negative people.  Life is definitely way too short to be dragged down by someone else’s nonsense.

When you have lost your faith and freedom for years, you get this incredible urge to cut away all the fears and expectations – and just experience life for all its worth. I want to believe that I am open…open to whether you want to hurt me, or love me…I don’t care. I just don’t want to hear that I have to wait, that I can’t, or shouldn’t…I just want to LIVE – live without boundaries.

I don’t expect many to ever fully understand what I am going through, what I am feeling, why I do some of the impulsive things I do. You know what losing someone that I loved deeply has taught me? That it takes a brush with death to get your priorities in order. And then one day if you are lucky, you wake up and realize it was worth every minute of pain that you had to endure…just to learn how to live again. That is where I am at – learning how to live again….each and every day I have to remind myself of this.

I vowed to never again allow anyone or anything get me so down, so lost that I had to second guess everything.  Life is way too short.  When we’re after more out of life, when we’re looking for the depth and satisfaction few even know exist, sometimes the disappointment is as deep, as the joy. I can’t just lie down and give up. I know the real satisfaction comes from trying, from living to the fullest. My ramblings, my beliefs, my hope…

On my forever quest to somehow smooth out the edges of  my soul…faith – hope – love – promise…♥  Embracing my own light….embracing me…joie de vivre!

“Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.” – Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet


Life, Love…no room for lies…

Someone once asked me how I hold my head up so high after all that I have been through….its because I am a survivor, not a victim.

Life is filled with so many emotions…happiness, sadness, love, hate, tears, laughter, and many more.   When life challenges you, hold your head up high and have faith that all in life will work out and God will always be by your side.

Never forget that there are three types of people who can make a difference in your life:

  1. Those who helped you through difficult times.
  2. Those who left you during those difficult times.
  3. Those who put you through those difficult times.

Learning to balance all in my life…

Learning how to give, but not allow myself to be used.

Learning how to truly love, but not allow my heart to be abused.

Learning how to trust, but don’t be so naive.

Learning how to fully listen to others, but not lose my own voice.

Still holding onto the hope that some day everything will all make perfect sense.  For now, I continue to laugh at the confusion, smile though the tears, and keep reminding myself that everything really does happen for a reason!

Living life to the fullest teaches us to make good use of time.  Being conscious of time can really teach us the value of life.

One lie is all it takes for someone to lose their faith in you.  The best thing you can do is always be upfront, always be real and always tell the truth.

To be honest, I am always a little disappointed when a real liar’s pants don’t actually catch on fire.  Love this commercial…finding laughter in all is key!

Pants on Fire – Progressive Commercial

There are four very important words in life that everyone should learn, embrace and live by:  Love, honesty, truth and respect!  Without these in your life, we truly have nothing.  ♥


Another small part of me has died…

Okay – admitting it – feeling sorry for myself.  It’s going on a week that I got hit by a car.   It’s going on a week that I miss going into the office and work.  It’s going on a week that my so-called love went MIA.   I thought he was the one.  I truly thought I was lucky enough to get a second chance at finding true love.  But when I needed him the most, he let me down.  He choose the cowardly way out – avoidance and lying.   I may be down and out, but I know I deserve better than that.  So I continue on my struggle alone.  Who cares if I am broke, who cares if I can’t comb my own hair, who cares if I can’t walk my own dog…the only thing that keeps me going is my faith that God has spared me once again.  There must be a reason.  I have hope that things will once again be okay…in the long run.  But right this minute, I am giving into my pain, my helplessness…for now, I scream, I fight, I curse, I cry, I feel sorry for myself…

I am finally getting over the shock of getting hit by a car.  I know I should have paid more attention in physics class.  But I am sure my accident proved something scientific, no??   A smaller, lighter object will generally yield to the heavier, faster-moving object.  But not necessarily without some resistance…hence my aching body, broken bones, bruised ego.

I was the pedestrian in a car-pedestrian tussle.  I don’t even think I did any damage to the car – *sigh* – all in all, I have to say that the car got the better of me.  I will be on the mend for at least three months according to my doctors.

I was only two blocks away from being home…only two blocks from being able to walk my own dog….only two blocks away from feeling safe.

I haven’t really been outside all week.  I used to love walking everywhere.  Now I am afraid of being squeamish about crossing streets – hoping that as my bruises heal so will my fear dissipate.  I sit here all alone and think if there is anything I can do to change what happened to me?   But the answer is always the same…No way.  And so it goes.

I recall one minute laying sprawled on the ground, and the next getting up, trying to shake off the cobwebs of disorientation and saying aloud, “I want to go home”.  I had people all around me….strangers shouting different advice.  The driver asked me if he could take me to the hospital, and I remember looking at him, saying, “Are you crazy.  I am not getting in the car with you, you just ran me over”.

A young girl crying dialed 911 and the driver called the police.  Pain started getting worse, my head hurt.  I felt more disoriented, more disembodied.  I was extremely lucky they said, not to suffer any head trauma. At first I managed to laugh about it and cover up my emotions. Then the shock kicked in during my treatment in hospital.  After waiting an eternity at the hospital, laughing instead of crying, trying to make those around me feel okay, I just wanted to be alone, to cry.  Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful things weren’t worse but I am still feeling this overwhelming anxiety, nightmares of the accident and the new challenges of daily life due to the recovery time.  And now on top of all this, I am dealing with a broken heart as well.  I understand that I am lucky there too.  I am happy that I know now how much of a coward he is and how much better off I am without him, before any more time invested.  But I have to face so much by myself, and now having to explain to family and friends what happened, and why he isn’t here is just too much for me right now.  I want to close my eyes and just pretend things are better.

I feel like I am the one left behind being punished and with the difficulties of trying to move forward, while everyone just gets to move on with their lives uninterrupted.

I truly wish there was one person in my life who could understand this incredible numb feeling I have as well as understand the nightmares, the sickness I get when I’m in a car as well as on a pavement.  There is no shortage of people saying the right things like “feel better”, things will get better”…but seriously, I know they don’t fully understand the depth of my pain…emotionally or physically.   I have a long way to go…paying off medical bills, trips to the doctors, trying to keep my job, keeping slimy ambulance chasing lawyers at bay, holding onto dignity, grasping at hope, fighting off depression, trying to forgive…My optimism has diminished.  Even though I’m lucky, trying to put on this brave front, and smile on my face – more than not, I can’t do it anymore.

I sincerely thank God that I am alive because I could have been dead.  Life could be worse I understand all of this.  Sometimes I just wish I could pass out for good from all the excruciating pain.  But I am stronger than that.  I can’t lie – this experience is dredging up a lot of past painful memories for me.  Memories I had thought I had successfully put behind me.

I’m in pain every day, but refuse to take enough meds to control it because they sedate me too much and I have other added complications of dealing with my blood count.  I try to be grateful that I’m alive, but I’m constantly reminded of all the things I can’t do.  Today is usually the day I give my dog his bath, but I couldn’t even pick him up and place him in the tub.  I can’t even open his shampoo bottle without crying out of frustration.  I am praying that in time things go back to some kind of normal.

I am still raw… my feelings of loss are overwhelmingly painful and scary.  I keep trying to explain, “This is just too much to bear! I can’t stand it!” But no one hears me.  So I will  cry when I want, yell at God, scream into my pillow, shut out well-meaning, but not good for me people. I am not suppressing nor avoiding my grief.  Its how I feel! Not letting anyone take away my right to it.  Most people are clueless.  They attempt to comfort me and give me advice and encourage me to “get over it” and “get on with your life” as soon as possible.  Yeah whatever.

Their discomfort and awkwardness with my situation is leading to some pretty severe “foot-in-mouth” disease.  I will keep trying to find humor in everything – laughter releases endorphins and may ease my pain.  My motto – smiling through my tears.

This was to be my year…grappling with faith and clutching at hope…♥


National Pursuit of Happiness Week

It’s already Day 5 of National Pursuit of Happiness Week.  Sad that we even need a full week to remind us to pursue and find what makes us happy.

If Hurricane Sandy did nothing but force us all to slow down and appreciate what we have, then some good came out of that weather insanity.  If you are feeling overwhelmed – slow down. When we slow down we breathe more deeply, which makes us feel better. Sounds simple enough. Are you taking time each day to celebrate the good and let go of the bad?  It seems we get so caught up in the day-to-day that we forget to take some time to be still. When we take time to be still we can appreciate what we have and that lifts our spirits.

As the Dalai Lama tells us in his book The Art of Happiness:

‘In the same way, a situation that you initially perceive as 100 percent negative may have some positive aspects to it. But I think that even if you have discovered a positive angle to a bad situation that alone is often not enough. You still need to reinforce that idea. So you may need to remind yourself of that positive angle many times, until gradually your feeling changes.’

Have you thought about it? Are you so busy going through the day-to-day that you’ve forgotten the big picture?  Or are you bored senseless and just going through the motions?

I used to be downright bashful unless I felt I was in safe company. And now I just try not to care – I giggle out loud, sometimes at inopportune times, I skip, I trip, fall, laugh and get back up.  I kiss my dog, whisper to him, walk and play around. Do people look at me and think I am nuts?  I am sure – sometimes.  But I no longer care.   I enjoy and need to have fun goofing around.  I can recall so many stupid moments, and giggle aloud.  Giggling reminds me and gives me permission to lighten-up and have some fun…Do you hold back the true you? Is there a playful person hiding under layers of fear? Has the essence of you been squelched out by life’s challenges and limitations?  Don’t let it.  Its been a struggle, but I no longer allow the old uptight person come out of me.  I have to strangle that person.

I hope you all go out today and laugh out loud… and go about your day feeling lighter and gigglier…♥

Came across this and thought I should share:

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness Week 3: The Pursuit of Happiness

Speaker: Trey Kelly Follow @treykelly
Date: October 29, 2012

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

But what is Life? What is Liberty? And what is Happiness?

Is it a good job? A house in the suburbs? A beautiful wife, 2.5 kids and a dog? Is it all the money you’ll ever need. Is it a fancy car?

Life is more than just living. Liberty is more than just being free. And there’s only one source of true happiness.

Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Redefining the American Dream.


Quotes that resonated today

My friends posted some quotes today on FB today and they definitely struck a chord within me – may they serve as a reminder on how to live life:

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”  ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

“We need, in love, to practice only this: letting each other go. For holding on comes easily; we do not need to learn it.”  ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

“Maybe our favorite quotations say more about us than about the stories and people we’re quoting.”  ~ John Green

“Maybe who we are isn’t so much about what we do, but rather what we’re capable of when we least expect it.” ~ Jodi Picoult

“My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style” ~ Maya Angelou

“Life is short, Break the Rules.
Forgive quickly, Kiss SLOWLY.
Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably
And never regret ANYTHING
That makes you smile.”
~ Mark Twain

“I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.” ~  Audrey Hepburn

♥ღ…ℒℴνℯ…ღ♥(✿◠‿◠)♥


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