Category Archives: Kiss

Need A Spark …

Well I am trying to be more social again and start dating …yes trying again to put myself out there and be open minded.  Agreed to meet a nice looking, age appropriate man for coffee.  The night before we talked on the phone for three hours…yes, 3 hours!  We talked about so much even politics.  It was refreshing.   So when we meet today – conversation is easy.  He is a great listener as well as a good speaker.  Bur we talked about work, skills – more professional than personal.  There was no romantic spark.  And I find myself home, writing this post, feeling a little sad.  On paper he fits all my criteria – he is dark-haired and handsome.  He is employed. He is Christian.  He believes in family.

But I touched his hand … and nothing.  We chastely kissed at the door – I felt nothing.  Well, ironically there was jolt of static cling electricity but not a true chemical spark.  So no spark, now what??

Now I am tired of all my friends saying I am too picky, or I don’t give men a chance.  But how long do you wait for the spark to develop?    How long should you give to see if there is true chemistry?  I am mature and intelligent enough to understand that sparks are usually temporary and they don’t normally last.  Compatibility lasts.  Logic.  But I have lived too many years without true love and passion.  Don’t I deserve it?  Don’t I deserve the butterflies?  Don’t I deserve to feel that zing, that unexplained must-have chemistry, pure magic??  Do I have to settle?  No I refuse to settle.  I need to feel that spark.  Soon!  I totally accept that love at first sight is beyond rare.  I need to accept that we may need to allow for the slow burn of attraction, let our first meeting date jitters to pass and try to get to know each other.

The guy I met today is into the gym and working out hard, faithfully and is very physically, outdoorsy active.  I am more a home body and I have let myself go a little sideways, struggling with weight, body image issues, hitting 50 and pre-menopausal.  So maybe he wasn’t physically attracted to me hence no spark.  I don’t know.  Maybe I don’t care too much right not to learn otherwise.  Maybe he has zero boyfriend potential; maybe he is indeed just a nice guy.  Perhaps there isn’t enough chemistry for a relationship. But seriously how many ‘dates’ do I need to go on to find out??

I will try harder to keep from closing off.  I just don’t want to be that girl – every man’s buddy – where they think I am a great lady, we talk for hours, laugh, but they use me as sounding board.  They want to hang out, talk about their job, family and dating woes, ask for advice but ultimately there is no shared attraction, no sexual interest.  No passion.

So we didn’t make plans to meet up again, but we did text already tonight when he got home.  Maybe we will just be friendly.  I don’t know.  I would go out with him again though if asked.  I think it’s rare to know whether we have real dating potential with someone after only a few hours.  I do enjoy conversing with him.  He has a great phone voice as well.  Easy on the eyes, yes.  Who knows….

So as much as I didn’t get that instant overwhelming attraction to him, we still got along.  Time will tell I guess.

Remaining positive … with hope in my heart and grace in my step … learning how to sashay.


Life love

Do not fall in love with people like me.
I will take you to museums, and parks, and monuments, and kiss you in every beautiful place, so that you can never go back to them without tasting me like blood in your mouth.
I will destroy you in the most beautiful way possible. And when I leave you will finally understand, why storms are named after people.

Caitlyn Siehl, Literary Sexts: A Collection of Short & Sexy Love Poems (Volume 1)


My Music Memorial to my Forever Heart

I love the quote by “Where words leave off, music begins.” ― Heinrich Heine

“Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent.”
― Victor Hugo, Hugo’s Works: William Shakespeare

“After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.”
― Aldous Huxley, Music at Night and Other Essays

Today I sit alone, quietly yet loudly … music is my solace. Today I cry, no longer in silence to pay tribute to my forever heart and my three other best friends who all perished on 9/11. I lost so much that one day 14 years ago – that I still can’t seem to fully understand, move on from. Unfortunately in our lifetime we will all face the inevitable… the loss of a loved one – be it a parent, grandparent, sibling, child, family member, close friend, significant other or even a family pet. The death of that loved one has got to be one of the most powerful events that we will face in our lifetime. I also believe that almost everyone who has ever lost someone they really loved will remember them through the power of music – by a song that relates to a memorable experience in their life – a moment that is frozen in time. Everyone has there own personal way of coping with grief and it varies from person to person. Sometimes it helps to cleanse our mind with tears when emotions build up inside – it helps me. Michael’s love made me brave; God’s love gives me strength. Being able to share my grief, gives me understanding, perspective…as always with grace in my step, hope in my heart.


Am I lovable…

I am okay alone. But sometimes, especially with Valentine’s day fast approaching, and watching Hallmark’s Countdown to Valentine’s Day, has me always missing my heart more than ever. I know the only way, I will ever really find someone to love and be loved, is by putting myself out there, and trying to date and meet emotionally available men. But *sigh* I am just so tired. Tired of the fools, the endless questions, the myriad of doubts, the kissing of frogs. Tired of wondering if I am lovable. Tired of being alone, but at the same time, tired of wasting my time, investing of myself, feeding someone else’s ego; tired of waiting for a love that eludes me and never comes. I feel like when I start dating, I am a mere woman with a question mark etched on my forehead: Am I good? Am I lovable? Am I enough? Am I healthy enough to be accepted? There seems to be more questions than answers. I know, deep down inside, I am lovable. I am capable of accepting and giving love. I sit with so many thoughts, and not all of them are doubts. And those are the ones I fight to fill my head. So as I write this, I know I am lovable. I feel my potential at this very moment. I have definitely accepted too little for too long. That is changing as sure as the weather will change. In the meantime, I date myself. I pamper myself. I love myself. I cherish myself. I adore myself … with grace in my step and hope in my heart.

We are all worthy of love.  #sixwords. ♡


Saturdays filled with romance…♥

Who doesn’t want their Saturday nights filled with love, romance and passion. I love words…words move me. Love letters make me feel, awaken and arouse feelings…sincere love letters are made of insight, understanding, and compassion. A real love letter can produce a transformation in each person…the writer and the reader…♥

“The letter had been crumpled up and tossed onto the grate. It had burned all around the edges, so the names at the top and bottom had gone up in smoke. But there was enough of the bold black scrawl to reveal that it had indeed been a love letter. And as Hannah read the singed and half-destroyed parchment, she was forced to turn away to hide the trembling of her hand.

—should warn you that this letter will not be eloquent. However, it will be sincere, especially in light of the fact that you will never read it. I have felt these words like a weight in my chest, until I find myself amazed that a heart can go on beating under such a burden.

I love you. I love you desperately, violently, tenderly, completely. I want you in ways that I know you would find shocking. My love, you don’t belong with a man like me. In the past I’ve done things you wouldn’t approve of, and I’ve done them ten times over. I have led a life of immoderate sin. As it turns out, I’m just as immoderate in love. Worse, in fact.

I want to kiss every soft place of you, make you blush and faint, pleasure you until you weep, and dry every tear with my lips. If you only knew how I crave the taste of you. I want to take you in my hands and mouth and feast on you. I want to drink wine and honey from you.

I want you under me. On your back.

I’m sorry. You deserve more respect than that. But I can’t stop thinking of it. Your arms and legs around me. Your mouth, open for my kisses. I need too much of you. A lifetime of nights spent between your thighs wouldn’t be enough.

I want to talk with you forever. I remember every word you’ve ever said to me.

If only I could visit you as a foreigner goes into a new country, learn the language of you, wander past all borders into every private and secret place, I would stay forever. I would become a citizen of you.

You would say it’s too soon to feel this way. You would ask how I could be so certain. But some things can’t be measured by time. Ask me an hour from now. Ask me a month from now. A year, ten years, a lifetime. The way I love you will outlast every calendar, clock, and every toll of every bell that will ever be cast. If only you—

And there it stopped.” ― Lisa Kleypas, A Wallflower Christmas


Do I dare pray for another chance at life?

I find myself at an all-time low. Snow falls all around me outside, tears inside me. Last week I reached a small positive milestone, I was able to walk, in the ice and snow, and managed to keep my anxiety low, not falling, slipping nor breaking any bones since marking my one year anniversary of getting hit by a car. But this past weekend, brought me much heartache…a man I was dating verbally and physically assaulted me. I am mad at myself for allowing myself to be treated poorly and tolerating these selfish, insecure people in my life.

I am sure we have all heard the saying, “Never let someone be your priority, while you remain their option” – but how many actually follow this sage advice?! I know I have not…but I am working on it…

It’s no secret I have a weakness — I see people better than they really are or better than they see themselves. My expectations and trust of people always gets the best of me because I place them high on top of the totem pole instead of leaving room for their faults and issues so, when they do something that goes against what I think of them; I always, always end up being disappointed and in tears. When getting involved in a romantic relationship this kind of thinking has always lead to my own personal heartbreak because I chose to make a man my priority when he only considers me his option.

No more. And just when I thought things could not possibly get any worse…I find myself lost…yet again. I got worse news from my doctor…heard those dreaded words, “you need a biopsy”. Seriously! I am trying to process…words replaying in my head….dense breast tissue, spot compression, need for additional projections, sonogram, ultrasound exam, aggressive cells…biopsy…I don’t know how I will survive the wait in between more tests.

I had my mammogram in December then I was told because it showed dense breast cancer tissue, which I was assured then, was common – I had to have more tests done. So, after getting the insurance company to agree to move forward, I endured more tests – different breast imaging tests. And today was more tests results day. Yes, another dark day!

The past couple of months, I have been accused of being negative. I just rationalized that I was a realist. I always believed I was a glass half full, turn lemons into lemonade kind of gal. Ha! Fast realizing that I am not so much an optimist as I am a pessimist with the largest worry gene. When the sun is shining bright, I carry an umbrella, anticipating rain; when the phone rings after 10pm, I envision twisted metal, heart attacks, start to mentally plan a funeral. Truth be told, I have never been the overly effusive, perky, upbeat cheerleader type. But I still thought I was a positive person, adapting well to change. Not afraid to be impulsive and take risks. I am admittedly not the type to in denial of every dark emotion I have had. I have had my inner demons of sadness make me doubt God at times, especially when I was younger. But I believe in God, and I place my faith in Him, and I pray, hope, and believe that things happen for a reason. Sometimes God wants us to trust Him through hell so that He can give us strength to see better days. And I am beginning to think I am like a cat with nine lives and then some…

Right now I am just channeling darkness….what can I say – I have dark hair, dark eyes…I am dark. So, I guess being an intellectual and a cynic, I have trouble admitting this but I have to believe this latest bad news will somehow turn out well.

I do volunteer work at Memorial Sloan-Kettering so I tend to keep up with research. I know all too well the statistics. I have just, once again, joined the growing ranks of cancer survivors who are confronting second, new malignancies—not a recurrence or spread of their original disease. Sometimes, the new cancer is an aftereffect of powerful radiation or chemotherapy treatments. Other times, genetic or familial risks play a role. And sometimes, lifestyle—diet or exposure to toxins—is to blame. The numbers are surging: An astonishing one in six people with a new cancer diagnosis had previously been diagnosed with a different cancer. Yup! That would be me. I always knew the risks, early on. We all need to know that many chemotherapy drugs are themselves cancer-causing agents. The chemo that’s eliminating a first cancer may cause another later; while targeting the DNA of cancer cells, the drugs also affect normal cells. I am proof of that.

Years after my leukemia fight, I was cautioned that I would most likely have complications from experimental treatments. And the past few years, I have had many tumors removed. For many cancer patients, radiation treatment controls tumor growth, decreases recurrences, and improves survival. Like chemotherapy, though, radiation itself is a cancer risk. As patients live longer after treatment, the possibility of a radiation-induced tumor rises. So, I tend to live my life with eyes wide open – even so, I am thrown for a loop. I knew, on an intellectual level, I am a high risk, and considering my health history, today should not have come as such a surprise. But it has. I cannot emphasize to other cancer survivors and patients how important it is to be brave, face facts and act fast…I know I will.

Considering I am such a worry wart, you would think I would be more prepared to handle today’s news. Learning that worrying does NOT prepare you for disaster. Learning that nothing prepares you. The worst has found me again, and you know what? I will have to deal with it … keeping hope in my soul…grace in my step…love in my heart. ♥

So the last couple of weeks, especially the past ninety-six hours, I am trying to remain hopeful, thinking about how different things can happen, be quite insightful, humbling and puts things into perspective.

Sending out a special request to all who read this, pray…for me, for you…for all.

“Life is short. Kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly” ― Paulo Coelho


Re-learning how to date….

Hmmmm…Re-learning how to date…or should I say un-learning how to date! When it comes to finding love, there are certain truths that seem so irrefutable that any single person would be a fool to not follow them. Maybe you’re a firm believer that you can tell within seconds if you’re attracted to someone. Or, maybe you think that a first kiss says it all: If you feel fireworks, your date’s a keeper; if it bombs, cut your losses. But I am learning – finally – that these beliefs shouldn’t weigh in too much when dating. We shouldn’t follow so many “rules”.

I used to believe I could tell if I am truly attracted to someone in three seconds. Ha!! Now I am accepting, understanding that I can’t tell if you’re truly attracted to someone until I have had at least two to three dates

“Love at first sight” is a familiar romantic notion. And in our increasingly fast-paced world, it’s darn convenient to think you can tell if you click with someone that quickly. But I am learning that I need real time to cultivate a bit more patience, sticking to a three-date minimum to know for sure whether we are a match (or not). The reason: People are a bundle of nerves on date #1, begin to unwind on date #2, but only by date #3 can people truly relax and maybe build some rapport. And while sparks early on are nice and all, they say nothing about someone’s long-term potential. Trying to learn if we are compatible, if our values match takes time, discussion, observation, and real honest interaction, not an initial impression based on superficial cues. So, I am trying hard now not to write someone off — or fall head over heels — until I have done some due diligence.

I have also thrown out “must have list”. As much as this may look great on paper, it won’t keep me warm at night. You can check off the attributes you want — appearance, background, education, career, salary — but unless you’re building your lover in a lab, you’re missing out. Yup! I know I have! Of course, I am keeping some standards and not settling for a two-pack-a-day smoker who doesn’t like dogs. But settling for nothing less than perfection is unrealistic. I am trying to expand my social circle and move forward, not be so inflexible, limiting and not allowing chemistry to build. Really trying to be open minded, especially when it comes to physical or material attributes like someone’s height, salary, or hair color.

I tend to believe that a first kiss should be this toe-curling experience. Quickly learning that the first kiss is basically inconsequential. In fairy tales, an amazing first kiss leads to a happily ever after—no wonder I have placed such importance on that primary pucker! But there are ample reasons why a first kiss from a potentially great partner can go awry (nervousness or a less-than-ideal setting) and just as many to explain why a first kiss from Mr. Wrong can feel so right (you’ve exceeded the two-drink minimum, perhaps). So as romantic and erotic a kiss can be with someone we find physically attractive, a relationship will still crumble without more shared values. So now, I am not going to write someone off following a less-than-mind-blowing kiss. I will try smiling; lean in slowly for kiss number two, either at that moment or on a subsequent date. A kiss is not just a kiss…ever…♥


Then…

TsMondayMusings: I may not be where I need to be but I thank God I am not where I used to be! A good life is when you assume nothing, do more, need less, smile often, laugh a lot and realize how blessed you are for what you have…#FeelingBlessed…♥

Couldn’t sleep last night and found myself listening to possible wedding songs for a friend…came across this one and absolutely loved it…sharing….

I remember trying not to stare
The night that I first met you,
You had me mesmerized,
And three weeks later,
In the front porch light,
Taking 45 minutes to kiss goodnight.
I hadn’t told you then,
That I thought I loved you then

And now you’re my whole life,
And now you’re my whole world,
And I just can’t believe the way I feel about you girl,
Like a river meets the sea, stronger than it’s ever been,
We’ve come so far since that day,
And I thought I loved you then

And I remember taking you back to right where I first met you,
You were so surprised.
There were people around, but I didn’t care,
I got down on one knee right there,
And once again
I thought I loved you then

And now you’re my whole life,
Now you’re my whole world,
And I just can’t believe the way I feel about you girl,
Like a river meets the sea, stronger than it’s ever been,
We’ve come so far since that day,
And I thought I loved you then

I can just see you, with a baby on the way
I can just see you, when your hair is turning gray
What I can’t see is how I’m ever gonna love you more
But I’ve said that before

And now your my whole life
Now your my whole world
I just can’t believe the way I feel about you girl,
We’ll look back someday at this moment that we’re in
And I’ll look at you and say
And I thought I loved you then
And I thought I loved you then


Missing my ♥….

Just watched, “Autumn in New York”…and although my love wasn’t lost to me because of an illness, he was taken from me from a worse evil, terrorism.  I miss him each and every second of the day.

I’m looking for a way to feel you hold me
To feel your heart beat, just one more time
I’m reaching back, trying to touch the moment
Each precious minute that you were mine
How do you prepare,
when you love someone this way,
To let them go a little more each day?

CHORUS
The stars we put in place
The dreams we didn’t waste
The sorrows we embraced
The world belonged to you and me
The oceans that we crossed
The innocence we’ve lost
The hurting at the end
I’d go there again
cause it was beautiful
It was beautiful

Some days missing you is overwhelming
When it hits me you’re not coming back
And in my darkest hours I have wondered
Was it worth it, for the time we had?
My thoughts get kind of scattered,
but one thing I know is true
I bless the day that I found you, oh oh …

Gracias, no entendia lo que me sucedio, despues de muchos años recien hoy pude entender por que se me permitio conocer a esta persona que saco lo mejor de mi, y tengo que ser feliz por haberlo hecho….♥

 

 


Ah…wise words read, heard, shared today…

The worst thing about being lied to is simply knowing you weren’t worth the truth…

It’s not hard to find someone who tells you they love you, it’s hard to find someone who actually means it…

That feeling you get when he kisses your neck…

When you choose to forgive those who have hurt you, you take away their power…

If someone wants you, nothing will keep them away, but if they don’t want you, nothing will make them stay!

Love waits for one thing; The right moment…

A wise man said to me today:  “Give me a kiss to build a dream on”…

Give me a kiss to build a dream on
And my imagination will thrive upon that kiss
Sweetheart, I ask no more than this
A kiss to build a dream on

Give me a kiss before you leave me
And my imagination will feed my hungry heart
Leave me one thing before we part
A kiss to build a dream on

And when I’m alone with my fancies, I’ll be with you
Weaving romances, making believe they’re true

Oh, give me your lips for just a moment
And my imagination will make that moment live
Give me what you alone can give
A kiss to build a dream on

When I’m alone with my fancies, I’ll be with you
Weaving romances, making believe they’re true

Oh, give me lips for just a moment
And my imagination will make that moment live
Oh, give me what you alone can give
A kiss to build a dream on…


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