Category Archives: Journey

All The Joy

Watching movies today and came across this beautiful song …

 

I took a night with you
And then I took another
And to my solitude
I brought a lover
We beckon ecstasy undercover
We took all the joy we could take
So lightly
And all the love we could make
So mightily, yeah
All the joy we could take
So lightly
And all the love we could make
So mightily, yeah
And I am driving fast as the sun goes down
This spell may not last,
But it was fun wearing the crown
That made me the princess
And you the clown
We took all the joy we could take
So lightly
And all the love we could make
So mightily
And al the joy we could take
So lightly
And all the love we could make
So mightily, yeah
And with this feather in your cap
You do prance around
The wings on my feet
They do not touch the ground
And when I think of you
I don’t hear a sound
I took all the joy I could take
So lightly
And all the love I could make
So mightily
All the joy I could take
So lightly
And all the love I could make
So mightily, yeah
All the love I could make
So mightily, yeah
All the love I could make
So mightily, yeah …
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The Last….action….

Just finished watching the movie, “The Last Kiss”, with Zach Braff.

In the movie, Zach’s character, afraid and immature, makes a mistake and then apologizes to his girlfriend and to her dad. He says he’s sorry, and reassures them that he loves her. The dad looks him in the eye and says the best line of the movie that truly hits home:

“Stop talking about love. Every asshole in the world says he loves somebody. It means nothing. It still doesn’t mean anything. What you feel only matters to you. It’s what you do to the people you say you love, that’s what matters. It’s the only thing that counts.”

Actions!! Actions will always speak louder than words.

There is so much truth behind the line “What you feel only matters to you.” Think about it. What really counts is how we behave in the world, and sadly sometimes our actions do not measure up to our words. They can be out of sync. Our feelings or beliefs don’t make us better people, they don’t truly define who we are. Our actions and behavior do! I wish we could stop caring so much about what others believe; I wish we could stop trying to follow others in their beliefs; I wish more people who could just focus more on how to act accordingly in the every day moments. And understand that every action has a reaction.

Great music soundtrack. I love the group Coldplay and this song just resonates with me today….

When The Truth Is, I Miss You
Yeah The Truth Is, That I Miss You So
And I’m Tired I Should Not Have Let You Go ♥


The Journey’s Baggage…

Narrative from Dr. Steve Maraboli = had to share:

The Journey’s Baggage…

I am a people watcher and I travel a lot. At times, this makes for entertainment, aggravation, and even observational learning. On one particular occasion, I was coming back to New York from a business trip out west. The plane landed and I couldn’t wait to get to my car and go home. As I walked through the airport like a man on a mission, breezing past baggage claim, I couldn’t help but hear the excited cheers of young kids.

Curiosity caused me to look in the direction of these extremely loud and excited kids. It appeared to me that their dad had come home from a trip. These kids were jumping up and down in excitement and as soon as their dad got close to them, they tackled his legs – even as a distant observer, it was a pretty touching moment.

The dad seemed equally happy to see his kids as he looked down at them hugging his legs and jumping at him as he tried his best to hold his arms high and not to hit the kids with the luggage in his hands.

The excitement was touching and gained the attention of several people in the area as the kids were yelling for him to pick them up. As I watched, I was thinking to myself that he can’t pick them up, he can’t embrace them, he can’t receive the love they’re sharing until he lets go of the luggage; the baggage he was holding from his trip.

And again, I couldn’t help but liken that to all of our lives. This man could not embrace what the NOW had to offer while he was holding on to the luggage from his journey.

How many of us walk around being weighted down by the baggage of our journey? You can’t possibly embrace that new relationship, that new companion, that new career, that new friendship, or that new life you want while you’re still holding on to the baggage of the last one. Let go… and allow yourself to embrace what is waiting for you right at your feet.

– Dr. Steve Maraboli ~ His latest book is, “Unapologetically You” ♥♥♥

The Journey’s Baggage...


On My Journey….Surviving…

Today marks a year that I was hit by a car. I have yet to cross the street where it all happened. But it’s a new years goal that I am confident I will conquer and reach.

Whenever I feel like something is missing, I know it means I need to get out of my comfort zone, explore, shake things up and have fun. Sometimes it leads to a whole new direction for my whole life, which is the ultimate adventure.

This whole past year has been about feeling the fear and trying to find ways around that fear without it fully debilitating me. I love what I’m learning about myself and the growth I’m feeling. I’m learning a bit of fear is not the worst thing in the world!

One of the most upsetting thing though is how my mind keeps flashing these “alternate reality” scenarios in my head. PTSD! I still experience these horrible, mini movies where if it were just a few seconds off . . .or if the car was going faster…I keep thinking how I may not have survived or I could have been injured so much worse. Sometimes, I close my eyes, these images, flashbacks arise.

I know and have accepted that a shift in my life has occurred. I have been working really hard and not letting myself feel disappointed. But I have found that this year, as I have done in the past, I have looked for ways to control situations and prevent myself from feeling sad. Externally, I was upbeat and smiled, but inside I wondered why I had started to be afraid to cross busy streets, and why I trembled going to work, getting on a crowded train, especially if snowing and cold outside. I used up all of my vacation time this past year of 2013. I found myself preferring to stay indoors.

At times, it felt like my world was crumbling, but I knew I would not have made it that far had I not had hope. I just needed to take the time to heal. Needed time to focus not on what I lack, but what still remains. Life continues to be challenging. My dominant right hand still swells making it difficult to do my job a lot. I get tired and frustrated more easily but even there I am getting better at controlling.

So, yes, today marks a year since the accident. Sometimes it feels like it was five years ago; other times, especially when my hand swells and the pain is too much, I feel like it was just yesterday. No matter what day it is, I take the time to connect. In the morning, I lie on my back and breathe. Sometimes I cry. More so these day, I find myself smiling. Laughter happens often. There is no shame. Just one incredible journey…Busy living my life…on a true journey of learning to love myself, letting go of my fears…I find myself smiling more every day, looking forward to tomorrow, enjoying today, creating moments, giggling at the mere hint of the possibilities …breathing…inhaling, exhaling… I know the best is yet to come…I just know…keeping hope in my soul…grace in my step…love in my heart.

“She is delightfully chaotic; a beautiful mess. Loving her is a splendid adventure.” – Steve Maraboli


Welcome 2014…BELIEVE!

With the New Year here, comes the annual New Year’s resolutions….I have never been a big fan of resolutions…more a fan of setting goals. So, some of my goals for 2014 are some of the same I set for 2013 but was sidetracked when I got hit by a car in January…one, is to learn more about wine. Physical health goals include: eat healthier somehow; lose weight to feel better, tone up; dare to wear a bikini this coming summer; start walking more again. Career goals: I want to get my PMP. Look for a better, more challenging job; earn more money.

And for the more emotional goals…I will continue to be more selfish, putting myself first, loving myself. Seek out more like-minded people. Be more confident. I want to get over my anxiety of walking, falling, breaking bones…I want to be able to cross the street where I got hit by a car…and not panic. I want to be more brave.

My love relationship goals seem the most elusive to me, somehow. Last night, as it neared midnight and the ball was about to descend upon Times Square, I looked around and that special someone to kiss was nowhere to be found. *sigh* And my initial thoughts were, “Alone again this year”. Then my little Chili dog, just licked my face and I found myself smiling through my tears. There will always be a smile…

If your life wasn’t what you thought it would be in 2013, don’t despair. Too often, we feel pressured to have our lives in perfect order on New Year’s Eve / Day, complete with a killer sparkly sequined dress at an over-hyped party and someone to kiss at midnight. When the fireworks don’t go off as planned, we’re left feeling unsatisfied and disappointed. But this is not what ringing in a new year is all about. Instead, it’s a time for renewal, rebirth and new beginnings.

I found myself single on New Year’s Eve, still disillusioned from a broken engagement last year and dating woes…I was drained of all my emotional energy and completely disconnected from myself. I know I need a new beginning and a new relationship – with myself and eventually, a new boyfriend. Obsessing over what went wrong and forever mourning my failed relationships only make me feel depressed, not motivated to move on. So instead, I wrote myself a list of goals based upon the lessons I have learned.

My writing and my lists help me remember where I’ve been, what I continue to learn… I know all too well how resilient I can be and what I want (and don’t want) for my future.

I know in order to move forward in 2014, I must find more ways to empty my heart and soul of all the negative energy from all of my relationships – family, friends and love -passed. I am starting this New Year, trying not to lament over things gone wrong, taking each set back as a lesson learned, opening my eyes with a fresh, positive outlook and an open heart to welcome all that the New Year has to offer.

I still believe in love…The message from the one of the classic children’s books Polar Express was simple: believe. No matter how old you are or how many times you have to start over, we must believe that love is out there and that we are deserving of it. I will stay open to love. We all have a list of qualities we’re looking for in someone, but I am working on not ruling someone out just because they don’t match up to all on my checklist. We may miss out on something better than you could have imagined or asked for on a list. Rip up the checklist, the pros and cons list. Yes, life is short…there’s only so much time we can spend analyzing whether or not that person is the one. Instead, follow your heart but also listen to your instincts.

This year, I vow to guard my heart better. The past few years, I find myself drawn to relationships with men who are unstable or treat me poorly. I am no longer allowing it nor make excuses for them. Now that I am learning how to walk gain, soon I will be able to run the other way and protect my heart from those who will harm me.

I am more than ever really determined to continue to love myself and put myself first. We’ve all heard that you can’t love anyone unless you love yourself. This is true. If you’re not taking care of your own physical, emotional or mental needs, you won’t be able to devote yourself to a healthy, loving relationship. FACT!! It’s kind of like a flight attendant’s emergency instructions. You need to put on an oxygen mask on yourself first before you tend to everyone else.

I have to learn how to nor be so codependent. I am learning that if I want to find a healthy relationship, I have to work on not being their caretaker. Need to stop mothering people who are grown, capable adults, people who are only using me to their advantage at their expense or people who don’t really care about me. Learning to redirect, use my energy to start taking care of myself.

Learning how not to take rejection personally. When people judge or criticize you, don’t take it to heart. Instead, ask yourself, does their opinion really matter to me? And more often than not, the answer will be no! Is there merit to what they’re saying and is there something I need to work on? Life’s too short to care about what other people think about you.

Don’t expect perfection from others — or yourself. I have been working on this for a long time…I understand, there’s no such thing as perfection, so don’t expect or demand it from yourself or anyone else in your life. Even if you know you could do better for yourself, or someone or something disappoints you, remember that no one, not even you, can do everything perfectly. Learn to let it go…somehow.

Determined to set real boundaries. Sometimes, we want to do it all but there are not enough hours in the day. If we try to do too much for the people we love, we could be left feeling drained and overwhelmed. I learned this the hard way last year. I have always been the first one to drop all for someone in need. When I had my accident, I realized how alone I really was. How hurt and frustrating it was when I couldn’t get dressed, walk my dog…but no one stepped up and offered to help me, especially those first few weeks. Setting boundaries in your life and your relationships is not only healthy, but it’s necessary. Learning to say the word ‘no’.

Be patient with yourself. This is hard…since I tend to feel lost, defeated…when I can’t reach my goal. But as they say, “It’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey”. Ever just find yourself rushing and then wonder how, why things crash and burn?! Learning to appreciate the path so that I don’t miss what it’s trying to tell me. Ears and eyes wide open.

Determined to accept my own friendship. Let’s all try talking to ourselves as you would a friend. You’d never really tell a friend that they’re not good enough, pretty enough or smart enough to be loved, so why would you talk to yourself that way?! Be kind to yourself. This goes back to putting ourselves first!

I will remain hopeful…I have proven that I can weather whatever storm comes my way because I keep hope in my soul. Grace in my step. Love in my heart.

And will continue to do so….♥

Beleive


Missing my ♥….

Just watched, “Autumn in New York”…and although my love wasn’t lost to me because of an illness, he was taken from me from a worse evil, terrorism.  I miss him each and every second of the day.

I’m looking for a way to feel you hold me
To feel your heart beat, just one more time
I’m reaching back, trying to touch the moment
Each precious minute that you were mine
How do you prepare,
when you love someone this way,
To let them go a little more each day?

CHORUS
The stars we put in place
The dreams we didn’t waste
The sorrows we embraced
The world belonged to you and me
The oceans that we crossed
The innocence we’ve lost
The hurting at the end
I’d go there again
cause it was beautiful
It was beautiful

Some days missing you is overwhelming
When it hits me you’re not coming back
And in my darkest hours I have wondered
Was it worth it, for the time we had?
My thoughts get kind of scattered,
but one thing I know is true
I bless the day that I found you, oh oh …

Gracias, no entendia lo que me sucedio, despues de muchos años recien hoy pude entender por que se me permitio conocer a esta persona que saco lo mejor de mi, y tengo que ser feliz por haberlo hecho….♥

 

 


On my journey…♥

I want to be…a survivor, not a victim. I want to be growing, not ignoring; authentic, not flawless…

I had my own idea of grief. I thought it was the sad time that followed the death of someone you love and you had to somehow push through it to get over it, to get to the other side. I am learning with each death, that there is no other side. There is no pushing through anything, but rather, an absorption. Adjustment and acceptance. Grief is not something you complete, but rather learn to endure over time. Grief is not a task to finish and move on from, but an element of yourself.

Grieving is a long and difficult journey. Just when things begin to look better, the calendar slaps you with another reminder of your loss….an anniversary, a birthday, holidays…Sometimes the pain will be deeper ten years after the loss.

There is a Chinese proverb: “We can’t stop the birds from flying over our heads, but we can stop them from nesting in our hair.”

We shouldn’t try to numb our pain, or shut ourselves down from the pain. The feelings we try to conceal will not go away. They will hide below the surface for years to come; sooner or later, they will erupt without warning in ways that can affect your emotional, physical and mental health.

Grief itself is not a feeling. It is a process that can take a lifetime. It is a slow journey towards acceptance, peace and hope.

On my journey…♥


I would die for you. But I won’t live for you….

“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.”

“I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.”

“It’s much easier to not know things sometimes. Things change and friends leave. And life doesn’t stop for anybody. I wanted to laugh. Or maybe get mad. Or maybe shrug at how strange everybody was, especially me. I think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and than make the choice to share it with other people. You can’t just sit there and put everybody’s lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can’t. You have to do things. I’m going to do what I want to do. I’m going to be who I really am. And I’m going to figure out what that is. And we could all sit around and wonder and feel bad about each other and blame a lot of people for what they did or didn’t do or what they didn’t know. I don’t know. I guess there could always be someone to blame. It’s just different. Maybe it’s good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, I think that the only perspective is to really be there. Because it’s okay to feel things. I was really there. And that was enough to make me feel infinite. I feel infinite.”
― Stephen ChboskyThe Perks of Being a Wallflower


Each day…bring meaning to your life…♥

I have been working for a little over a year now, have tried dating again, meeting new people – what I am learning each and every day is that I am really looking for more.  I meet so many people that just go through the motions of their lives, they seem content with the routine.  I am so different – I have been so impulsive in the past mainly due to the death sentence that hung over my head with the cancer diagnosis.  But with gift of a day, I am trying to be more grounded, stable but I still have this sense of joie de vivre.  I am still impatient, impulsive but am working on it.

I see many people at work who just do the bare minimum.  I can’t – I want to learn, grow, be challenged.  Even when the day’s tasks are boring, I try to teach myself one thing a day – even if it’s just a new word, a new shortcut in Microsoft software.

I continually learn that you don’t go out to find meaning in life, you bring meaning to your life!  Meaning isn’t something out there waiting for you to discover. The meaning of your life is what you infuse it with – beauty or ugliness, happiness or sadness. It is totally your choice, and God wants it to be your choice because God gave you free will.

So many people keep telling me I look better these days, my smile is ever present.  But other people tell me how much weight I have gained; my Mom and her friend have called me ‘fat’.  I understand that in either case, it is just words – but words still hurt – at any age.  I have been totally inactive for years.  And even with my being back to work the past year, after the car accident this past January – I have been totally inactive again.  I am trying to get up, out and about more.  I am hoping with the warmer weather, I will be able to walk more and gradually lose some weight.  Need to get back to eating better, caring more about myself.

I have been a little happier.  I have finally rid myself of those people who were just selfish and using me.  I keep the negative people at a distance.  And just keep moving forward.  Sometimes you need to distance yourself from people. If they care, they will notice. If they don’t, you know where you stand. And you can save yourself some heartbreak and sadness.

And I am going to take the advice a friend offered recently – “Eat like a queen in the morning, a princess at noon, and a peasant at dinner”.

And I will continue on my path to learning, experiencing new things.  Key in life is to live the questions…If you ask questions, then you are never lost…If you ask questions, you will find deeper meaning in the world…and hopefully with most of my health woes behind me, I need to accept that scars remind us where we have been – they do not have to dictate where we are going…

I plan to keep working on having the life I want, the one I deserve.  I need to work on following my own dreams.  Read an e-book recently by Jonathan Mead and love this quote, “This is a declaration of authenticity, an act of spontaneity, and a call to live deliberately.”  ♥

Living deliberately how I choose to live my life and will focus most of my energies on my journey.  I absolutely cringe at the thought of having life happen TO me as opposed to actively creating the life I want, the life that will make ME happy….each and every day, strive to do something spontaneous and just  for myself.  Try it….♥


Embraced by the light…joie de vivre…♥

So…another Wednesday, another morning at occupational therapy….no pain, no gain – HA!

I ran into someone I knew from HS – well, my therapy building is near my old stomping grounds – not far from our High School.  We stopped for coffee afterwards, chatting, catching up – and she made me cry…not maliciously – but nonetheless…felt more like support therapy rather than occupational, physical therapy – maybe both are needed in tandem.

I walked away replaying parts of the conversation and feeling grateful.  She said to me that there is a light about me, that draws people to me….that its probably because I have been through so much and am very grateful, appreciative and that people pick up on this and just want to be near me.  She said I was full of joy and my smile radiates.  I was like wow, really??!!   Hmmm….

All I know is that I am trying really hard to de-clutter my life.  Stay away from drama and negative people.  Life is definitely way too short to be dragged down by someone else’s nonsense.

When you have lost your faith and freedom for years, you get this incredible urge to cut away all the fears and expectations – and just experience life for all its worth. I want to believe that I am open…open to whether you want to hurt me, or love me…I don’t care. I just don’t want to hear that I have to wait, that I can’t, or shouldn’t…I just want to LIVE – live without boundaries.

I don’t expect many to ever fully understand what I am going through, what I am feeling, why I do some of the impulsive things I do. You know what losing someone that I loved deeply has taught me? That it takes a brush with death to get your priorities in order. And then one day if you are lucky, you wake up and realize it was worth every minute of pain that you had to endure…just to learn how to live again. That is where I am at – learning how to live again….each and every day I have to remind myself of this.

I vowed to never again allow anyone or anything get me so down, so lost that I had to second guess everything.  Life is way too short.  When we’re after more out of life, when we’re looking for the depth and satisfaction few even know exist, sometimes the disappointment is as deep, as the joy. I can’t just lie down and give up. I know the real satisfaction comes from trying, from living to the fullest. My ramblings, my beliefs, my hope…

On my forever quest to somehow smooth out the edges of  my soul…faith – hope – love – promise…♥  Embracing my own light….embracing me…joie de vivre!

“Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.” – Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet


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