Category Archives: Invisible

Hope is beautiful…

Heard today….”Tragedy makes you even more beautiful”…taken aback at first, I found myself speechless…yes me speechless…Beauty is definitely in the eyes of the beholder…”Beauty in things exists merely in the mind which contemplates them.”

I am an emotional mess these days.  I feel ugly – inside and outside.  It’s been a month since my accident and I am so tired of the pain I feel each second of every minute of every day.  I am tired of trying to learn how to do the simplest of things with my left hand.  I understand there are a few good people who are truly in my corner praying for me and hoping that the scars within me are not as visible on the outside nor on the inside.  I am afraid to see people because then they will see that I am barely clinging to life by a shredding thread….of hope.

So many people unfortunately see beauty as something to be measured and weighed.

I no longer see beauty that way. I see beauty as the grace point between what hurts and what heals, between the shadow of tragedy and the light of joy. I find beauty in my scars.

We all have scars, inside and out. We have freckles from sun exposure, emotional trigger points, broken bones, and broken hearts.  The invisible scars are the hardest to let go and deal with.

However our scars manifest, we need not feel ashamed but beautiful.

It is beautiful to have lived, really lived, and to have the marks to prove it. It’s not a competition—as in “My scar is better than your scar”—but it’s a testament of our inner strength.  I am strong.  I know this…I just have to keep reminding myself.

“The tragedy in a man’s life is what dies inside of him while he lives.” – Thoreau.  I am tired of dying a little at a time.  I don’t want to hide, to run away, to stay away…I will always somehow manage to smile through my tears…it’s just that some days are truly harder than others.

The Dalai Lama, the Tibetan saying:  “Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength.  No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is, if we lose our hope, that’s our real disaster.”  I believe, I continue to hope…for better days.

…smiling through my tears…♥

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So elusive…Thinking of you…

This minute…this is how I am feeling…

 

Katy Perry – Thinking of You

Comparisons are easily done
Once you’ve had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one, I still got the seed
You said move on, where do I go?
I guess second best is all I will know
‘Cause when I’m with him I am thinking of you
(Thinking of you, thinking of you)
Thinking of you, what you would do
If you were the one who was spending the night
(Spending the night, spending the night)
Oh, I wish that I was looking into your eyes
You’re like an Indian Summer in the middle of winter
Like a hard candy with a surprise center
How do I get better once I’ve had the best?
You said there’s tons of fish in the water, so the waters I will test
He kissed my lips, I taste your mouth, oh!
(Taste your mouth)
He pulled me in, I was disgusted with myself
‘Cause when I’m with him I am thinking of you
(Thinking of you, thinking of you)
Thinking of you, what you would do
If you were the one who was spending the night
(Spending the night, spending the night)
Oh, I wish that I was looking into
You’re the best, and yes, I do regret
How I could let myself let you go
Now, now the lesson’s learned
I touched it, I was burned
Oh, I think you should know!
‘Cause when I’m with him I am thinking of you
(Thinking of you, thinking of you)
Thinking of you, what you would do
If you were the one who was spending the night
(Spending the night, spending the night)
Oh, I wish that I was looking into your, your eyes
Looking into your eyes, looking into your eyes
Oh, won’t you walk through?
And bust in the door and take me away?
Oh, no more mistakes
‘Cause in your eyes I’d like to stay, stay…

 

 


♥ Mondays…who knew?!

I never thought I would be so happy for Monday to come around.  This weekend was rough.  I am tired.  TIRED.  I am tired of unbalanced relationships.  I am hurt.  HURT.

I guess I was brought up to be invisible; taught to be very tuned into others’ feelings and needs, but to never have any of my own.  For years, I have felt that as a person, I didn’t really exist, other than to be there for others.  No more.

In the past, when I had feelings and needs, I would tell myself that they weren’t important; that I was strong and could handle not having my feelings cared about or my needs understood. I convinced myself that if I just cared enough about others, others would eventually care about me.  Well, it never happened…

It’s taken a toll.  The inner stress of never attending to my own feelings and needs and always feeling so invisible to others as a result finally took a toll on my health.  Because of this, I am FINALLY really tending to myself.

Tired of feeling unappreciated, unseen, not valued.  I understand why this has happened…and how much of this is a reflection of how I have treated myself in the past.

Since my own feelings and needs were shut down and invisible to myself, of course they ended up being invisible to others.  I have finally learned that it is not realistic to constantly put myself aside and then expect others to value and respect me.

Anytime you tolerate uncaring or disrespectful behavior in others to avoid conflict, you are training others to see you as invisible, to not care about your feelings and needs.  If you have been allowing yourself to be invisible for a long time, it is a real challenge to start to care about yourself.

So here I am…I am now going through a difficult period of feeling others’ anger and resentment.  I allowed others for years to not have to care about me, and now I am changing the rules.  And I no longer care who doesn’t like it.  I am learning who really cares about me and who has just been using me.

It takes great courage to shift from invisibility to being seen and valued.  It takes great courage to be willing to lose others rather than continue to lose myself.  I am not losing myself ever again.  I hope that others won’t wait so long, until you are ill or feel alone and cast aside by others to start to practice this loving yourself and become visible to yourself.

It starts with ME – with learning to tune into, acknowledge, value, and take loving action for myself regarding my own feelings and needs. It means moving into personal responsibility for my own feelings and needs rather than taking care of everyone else in the hopes they will eventually take care of you.  If you are ever going to feel cared for and loved, it has to start with you caring about and being loving to yourself!

No more friendships or relationships that are one-sided, tired of people who become too busy at the last moment, unable to devote the same amount of time to the relationship.  All relationships take effort, two people willing to make time, etc.  No longer will I be that one person who repeatedly calls, texts or emails to get a response from another.  Tired of people who only think of me, or reach out to me, when they need a favor or something.  Tired of being at the whim of another in terms of plans, frequency of get-togethers, and activities.  Just tired.

So….alone I am….I have stopped spending time with the wrong people.  Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.  And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.   ♥


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