Category Archives: Hurt

Rose Colored Glasses Broken

Well those lingering thoughts I encouraged, wanted – all dissipated truly fast when my Iceland trekking ‘friend’ returned.  All the pretty words turned into false actions and harsh words.  But at the end of it all, after the tears I shed, I am okay.  I know my worth, know what I want, and what I deserve.

Lately, I was feeling in control of my life, despite ups and downs with my every day health leading to some issues at work, but over all I was waking up happy, going to bed exhausted from accomplishing things.  Then I let my guard down, I met someone tall, dark haired, handsome, funny … He appeared great on paper, even loved his family, was close to them, had a long standing job – I let myself go.  I fantasized, I went way out of my comfort level only to learn I don’t want a pot-smoking man in his 50s, who runs away at the first hint of conflict, and who may or may not still be in love with his ex-wife.  I spent the past few days sad, hurt, stung by his harsh words only to realize that I assisted in the demise of the fantasy.  I tested him when I should have just let it go.  I pushed, when I should have just let it go.  I wanted another chance to make it work, to see where it could go, when I should have just let it go.

Learning that I am getting better at seeing people clearly, so as to not waste my time too much.  But even when I knew he wasn’t for me, I tried because when he took my hand those few times, I felt something I haven’t felt in years.  It felt right.  I tried to base a relationship on that.  Yes.  Insanity at its best.  I clearly see that now.  I thought it was something not to be ignored.  But chemistry doesn’t make a relationship.  I logically get this.

Well I finally took my rose colored glasses off, broke them, threw them forever away.  When the very man you thought you were falling for, curses at you, something breaks, and it wasn’t my heart this time, it was expectations.  I tend to expect people to be nice, solely because I am trying so hard to be civil, to be forgiving, to be nice.  Well I no longer want to be the doormat.   I no longer want to be so forgiving, accepting.  That famous adage, “If you can’t change the circumstances, change your perspective” – could not ring any more true this weekend.  

In a relationship, you cannot be the puppeteer. People have their own emotions, behaviors, actions, beliefs, scars, wounds, fears, dreams, and perspectives. They are their own person.  As I am. I so wanted this relationship to be something that it could never be.

When  I meet people, there are certain expectations, like being treated well or being respected. Yet sometimes we find ourselves in relationships that don’t mirror what we anticipate to happen. We may feel hurt or used.  That was where I found myself this past week going into this weekend.

We cannot expect other people to treat us as we would treat them. We cannot assume anything or force change upon someone who clearly demonstrates he or she is stuck in his or her own way.  When someone is incapable of listening, hearing, understanding what I was trying to convey, share, and only managed to twist all into their way of thinking, rejecting me along the way, sure it was hard, but liberating at the same time.  Lessons learned the very hard way…again.  When this man got mad, he was no longer attractive to me.  I felt such a sadness.  I could do nothing but cry.  I think it wasn’t just for my dashed hopes but for him as well,  I could sense a pain in him that I would never reach.  I wanted to hug him and make it all better.  But I can’t keep trying to fix broken people, when I am still broken myself.  I am fully aware of this.  When he cruelly often used the phrase, “sounds like a personal problem” well it was … sadly. 

I am always so afraid of closing off my heart to new things, experiences, people for fear of being let down, disappointed again.  But as I write this, my heart is wide open.  With eyes full of clarity, I am capable of changing the relationships in my life by adjusting my point of view.  Tired of being disappointed.  I have to constantly reevaluate and adjust my expectations.  I can’t assume that people will respond to things as I would; I can’t assume that one will care like I do; just as I can’t assume one thinks in a similar way as I do.

I was living in a brief fantasy land of my hopes, dreams, ideas, beliefs, expectations, and assumptions.  And I was hurting myself most.  Learning how to protect myself more, needing to change my perception from what I hope would happen to being more open to experiences for whatever may actually happen.  It’s hard.  But I know I need to let go of my expectations … with grace in my step, hope in my heart … no more rose colored glasses!

Advertisements

In Memory of Me …

I have just not been able to write as much as I would prefer lately.  So many thoughts, words, complete sentences in my head … but having a hard time expressing myself without crying at times.  Been so busy building walls so others can no longer hurt me, that I just can’t express myself in the only real way I know.   Sinking into depression … I know I am but I am not sure what I can do differently, right now. I feel lost, alone, insecure, idle, forgotten, bored … Emotional flu … yes that is what I have, lately.  Tired of feeling – especially sorry for myself.  So it’s taken me awhile to write this post.  Sometimes my hurt overwhelms me.

Anyone who really takes the time to know me, understand my life – they would know I have never had a good relationship with my mother and her daughters.  My sister is having knee surgery and will be staying with my Mom, so whenever any one of my sisters visit, even for a few hours every few months, my mother tends to be even more cruel to me.  For some reason, this past Friday we were talking about someone we knew and how they died with no family.  My mother then proceeded to tell me that I should save money to make sure I can pay for my own burial since no one would help once I die and I shouldn’t think to burden anyone.  Now I know deep in my heart that my family couldn’t care less if I lived or died.  I have known this far too long.  And sadly, yet obviously prudently, I already took measures for my burial many years ago after my first bout of cancer.  I reassured my Mom very calmly that I already took care of things for when I die.  Then I just went upstairs to my safe place, my own apartment, and just cried for hours.  My mother will never know how much she has hurt me, how much her words hurt me.  Just when I think she can’t hurt me anymore, I learn that it’s just never going to stop.  My skin just isn’t thick enough sometimes.  My heart breaks a little more each day when I am around her.  I try so hard … try not to let her words bury me alive.

So many hours I find myself too weak, too sad to do much of anything which only makes me sadder. I try.  I am in pure survival mode.  Don’t need to be saved. I need to be found and appreciated for exactly who I am.  I need others for my voice right now.

Quotes that speak to me, for me …

“Sensitive suffer more, but they love more and dream more.”  – Augusto Cury

“A sensitive soul sees the world through the lens of love.” – Unknown

“Having a soft heart in a cruel world is courage, not weakness.” ― Katherine Henson

“You soak up others’ moods and desires like a sponge. You absorb sensation the way a paintbrush grasps each color it touches on a palette. The ethereal beauty of a dandelion, the shift of a season, the climax of a song, or a certain stirring scent can awaken such wonder they’ll become your very breath itself – moving through you as fuel does to fire and wind does to waves. ~ Victoria Erickson

I have to keep reminding myself to love myself first and foremost … I have been on my own longer than I have ever been with anyone, loner by nature, alone by choice.

I’m here – I’m a survivor – and you can, too!  Everyone has to deal with their own situation, but my method is ‘distraction’.  My pain, worry leads me to writing.  Peace, acceptance, quiet, serenity, empowerment … keep loving myself.  Keep striving to have a decent life.  I have to remember who I am – that is how I will get through this life … with grace in my step and hope in my heart.


Life love

Do not fall in love with people like me.
I will take you to museums, and parks, and monuments, and kiss you in every beautiful place, so that you can never go back to them without tasting me like blood in your mouth.
I will destroy you in the most beautiful way possible. And when I leave you will finally understand, why storms are named after people.

Caitlyn Siehl, Literary Sexts: A Collection of Short & Sexy Love Poems (Volume 1)


How Could This Happen to Me

I get lost in words. I live for words. My mind is one jumbled mess of words – some that fight to get out, others hiding in its own secret place, tucked away for the right person to come along to hear them. I sit here with so many drugs cursing my veins, as much as I want to cry the next few hours away, I laugh thanks to my wonderful friends who come to me in the form of real-life angels. They send me funny texts, uplifting – even reminding me how beautiful I truly am. I wanted to write, write and some more – take some of the words in my head and put them to concrete thoughts but just can’t get passed mere rambled thoughts. So I listen to music. I tune out the world. Trying to be oblivious to all. Sometimes I succeed. Music can be so very therapeutic. Here is a great song that captures my feelings right now….

“How Could This Happen To Me”

I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight

And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me …


The Last….action….

Just finished watching the movie, “The Last Kiss”, with Zach Braff.

In the movie, Zach’s character, afraid and immature, makes a mistake and then apologizes to his girlfriend and to her dad. He says he’s sorry, and reassures them that he loves her. The dad looks him in the eye and says the best line of the movie that truly hits home:

“Stop talking about love. Every asshole in the world says he loves somebody. It means nothing. It still doesn’t mean anything. What you feel only matters to you. It’s what you do to the people you say you love, that’s what matters. It’s the only thing that counts.”

Actions!! Actions will always speak louder than words.

There is so much truth behind the line “What you feel only matters to you.” Think about it. What really counts is how we behave in the world, and sadly sometimes our actions do not measure up to our words. They can be out of sync. Our feelings or beliefs don’t make us better people, they don’t truly define who we are. Our actions and behavior do! I wish we could stop caring so much about what others believe; I wish we could stop trying to follow others in their beliefs; I wish more people who could just focus more on how to act accordingly in the every day moments. And understand that every action has a reaction.

Great music soundtrack. I love the group Coldplay and this song just resonates with me today….

When The Truth Is, I Miss You
Yeah The Truth Is, That I Miss You So
And I’m Tired I Should Not Have Let You Go ♥


Words…

Words…words…words…

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me!
Do you remember hearing this as a child? How many times did we recite these very words? Countless…. However, over the course of my life, I never realized how wrong that little tune was. As a child, I grew up in a very dysfunctional home. I am still living a nightmare with my bi-polar mother. She still takes no personal responsibility for anything. She continues in her world of blame and ridicule, and her words cut like a knife. It breaks my heart how she treats me, but also my 76 year old step-father. She stops talking to him, caring for him; her silence is deafening and further alienates. I see the light leave his eyes, he tells me his heart hurts. She doesn’t care what her words, her actions, her lack of words do to those around her – only trying to understand, accept and love her. My heart is broken. . I became the pawn between my mom and dad. That is not a very nice place to be. The only other emotion I feel is anger.

I just spent the last two hours crying my eyes out. My mother has been unbearable lately and I just don’t know how much more I can take. My life is just falling apart…I am on the edge, falling; the seams are frayed beyond repair…I don’t see even a flicker at the end…

I am so sick of being a punching bag. There are times, too many – too often, the words that come out of her mouth are appalling. I have been hurt too often and for far too long from my mother. There has always been a small voice deep inside of me that tells me, I need to run away. I know there comes a time in one’s life when you should realize you just can’t help them any longer. I know that time for me is near. I know I need a break, and although I already feel immense guilt, I will have to find the time and strength to cut her out of my life.

Sticks and stones may break my bones…but words can also hurt and haunt me. Sticks and stones break only skin, while words are ghosts that haunt me. Pain from words has left its scar on my mind as well as on my heart. Forever. I am so raw, so tender, even scared. Cuts and bruises heal, but words, words will haunt me…I will remember.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me,” could not be further from the truth. Each one of us has at one time or other been on the receiving end of hurtful words. Make no mistake about it – those painful words not only hurt, they also change us forever. While broken bones can heal in time, words filled with rage, bullying, belittling and scoffing never heal. Even with therapy, time and knowledge – hurtful words remain for a life-time.

“Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions, they become habits. Watch your habits, they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.” Frank Outlaw.

I pray. I cry. I hope.

sticks

words


Heaven has another angel…

Came across this poem below and really needed it today. We lost yet another family member, my first cousin, Germancito, after a very long battle with Cancer. He put up a good fight, but God has decided to relieve him of his pain and suffering. It was time for German to join God as one of his angels in heaven. My heart breaks for my aunt, Rosa, his siblings and for his 2 beautiful children. I pray that God gives my family the strength to deal with this immense loss. This was a man that I admired, he was, and always will be such an inspiration to me, his strength was incredible. Rest in peace. Life is so fragile. I wish more people, especially in my immediate family, could see and appreciate how short life truly is and take time to care about others, show more compassion. I feel at times, I care too much, I hurt too deep, but my heart is ever expanding and always forgiving. The sun shines yet again as God took another angel into heaven.

The loss of a love one is so hard to face,
you just want to hide,
go somewhere and escape!
But death is something,
we all must go through,
I know it’s hard,
when it’s someone you loved and knew.

Just know now,
he is in a better place,
no more hurt or pain shall he face.
It seems unfair and yes this is true,
but he is in Heaven now
watching over me and you!

God has called him home to rest!!
And he’s being well taken care of
Because God knows best!

“Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.” ― Leo Tolstoy


Tattered…

When you have a big heart ♥ –

You help too much
You trust too much
You give too much
and it always seems to hurt you the most, but just because you’ve been hurt today, doesn’t mean you should close off and live in fear of being hurt tomorrow.

Tattered but not torn…


“All is fair in love and war.”

Just because someone flirts with you, doesn’t mean they like you. Just because someone likes you, doesn’t mean they want to date you. Just because someone dates you, doesn’t mean they love you. Just because someone loves you, doesn’t mean that they won’t hurt you.

“All’s fair in love and war,” said Ron brightly, “and this is a bit of both.” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows


Waiting for MY forever…♥

It’s been the longest short week already…today, working from home, watching movies.

Anyone see the movie, “Waiting for Forever”?  Love the character, Will Donner, played by Tom Sturridge.  So young, so soulfully beautiful!!

“I am imagining a day…where I get up…and I know that I will not see you…because you’re far away. Okay? I will not see you. No chance. Will not. And now I’m imagining a day, when I get up, and I know that I might see you. Okay? Might. Could. Maybe.  Of those two days, that’s the day I want, that’s the day I choose. And how can one step away from you…ever be anything for me but a step in the wrong direction? How?”

What happens when one person is more committed to a friendship, relationship than the other?  When one is invested more than the other?  What happens when one person never stops thinking that another person is the most important person in their life; yet the other person is unaware?  What happens when one person believes them both to be forever linked?

I strongly believe love doesn’t hurt.  Love is never really the problem.  Don’t blame love if a failed relationship interfered with your other important relationships, or robbed you of your self-esteem and personal freedoms.  No, don’t blame love.  For it wasn’t love that stole from you.  It was possession.  It was obsession.  It was manipulation.  It was confusion.  It was dishonesty.  It was immaturity.  Love had nothing to do with your situation.  For love doesn’t close the door against all that is good.  It opens it wide to let more goodness in.  Love creates freedom and abundance.

 

I strongly believe forgiveness is always the right choice. Anyone can hold a grudge, but it takes a special person with strong character to forgive.  When you forgive, you release yourself from a painful burden.  And no, forgiveness doesn’t mean what happened was OK; and it doesn’t mean that person should still be welcome in your life.  It simply means you have made peace with the pain, and are ready to let it go and move on with your life.

Love requires three things: acceptance, honesty, and commitment.  Love comes when you care more about who the other person really is, rather than about who you think they should become.  It’s about daring to reveal yourself honestly, and daring to be open and vulnerable over the long-term.  It’s about sticking by each other’s side through thick and thin, and truly being there in the flesh and spirit when you’re needed most.  Remember, the most romantic love story is not Romeo and Juliet who died young together; it’s the story of grandma and grandpa who helped each other through life, and grew old together.  I am still waiting on my 50 year forever.

I strongly believe a big part of who we are is connected to who we choose to surround ourselves with. Fate controls who walks into your life, but you decide who you let walk out, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.  Surround yourself with people who make you a better person, and let go of those who don’t.

A soul mate is a person who brings out the best in you.  They are far from perfect, but they are a perfect fit for you.  Remember, every relationship has its problems, but what makes it perfect is when you wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, even when times are tough.  I met my soul mate many eons ago, but he was taken way too early from me.  I ask myself all of the time, Am I lucky enough to find another soul mate??  Waiting for my forever…♥


%d bloggers like this: