In exactly 7 days, I will turn 50 years old … yes, me turning 50! I am over the moon ecstatic. I never thought I would reach this age. I am a cancer survivor, a crisis survivor, continue to battle PTSD and depression. I have lost so many loved ones when they were too young – my brother 25 yo, my Dad 57 yo, my fiance 37 yo, aunt 35 yo … I had decided that was my fate as well. I have spent most of my life thinking I was running out of time. I lived in the past or in the moment, never fully preparing nor planning a future.
I am almost halfway to 100 and I am so giddy lately. I am finally midlife. I will be half of a century old. How downright exciting … to be me right now?? I am about to finally reach a true milestone and with this I have learned that a happy life starts at whatever age you finally grow up and realize that it’s yours to live … not dictated by family nor work. It’s all mine.
Sure, I am not naive enough to think it will all be smooth sailing here on out. I have been through too much to believe that. But I have been through so much already, I know I can get through whatever life throws at me.
I do worry at times, financially I am not in a good place; nor romantically…even professionally. Could I have accomplished more? Sure. I have spent way too many years in the past. I no longer live there. I have hibernated enough. I have compromised enough. I have sacrificed enough. Cancer, regret, loss, crisis, compromise, sacrifice – all have changed the course of my ideal life. I still have many anxious moments – I still work hard each day to keep my fears and demons at bay. I have learned and accepted that even with the best planning, we are never fully in control of our own destiny. This lessons learned has come with a high price in my life; it’s a benefit that I have been gifted with the act of getting older, being wise, being experienced. I am fortunate enough to understand that growth in life doesn’t just stop midlife – it’s a continual realigning, reevaluating, realizing, reexamining, renewing, reconnecting, reacquainting and renewing…and loving the alliteration as always … finally relaxing and just accepting me … yes ME.
Learning as I turn 50, there is so much of life to look back on …and there is so much more to do. I live for all my loved ones who died too young. I live for me. Turning 50 is great because I am still here. I have learned to be my own cheerleader, my own support system. I am a survivor. I have found my smile even through my tears. I fight through any pain, any sadness, any setback. I look in the mirror and am happy to see wrinkles, even the gray hair and the love handles. I have earned this life. I have lived this life. And I will continue …. with hope in my heart and grace in my step. #JustT