Category Archives: Honesty

Living with Cancer

Today … was like coming home, after a long trip. That’s what true friendships and love are …. it’s like coming home. I was finally able to meet up with some friends today and it was a good day. Good days have been far and few in between this winter.

I find myself trying so hard to be strong. Sometimes, I feel so alone, going through cancer, trying not to be a burden to anyone … but then you let your guard down and realize who truly has your back.

I try to put a big smile on my face but at times, all I want to do is curl up and die. Just give up. But then I find myself lucky enough to spend a couple of hours surrounded by friends and my smile is genuine. I still want to curl up, but not die. Lately, I have been too weak for much. But today was a good day. A day of genuine connection. I felt a part of something. And sometimes, that is all we need. Today was a day of hope and hugs.

People ask me on the bad days what chemo is like, how I am feeling – and although I consider myself articulate, I have a really difficult time explaining it. It’s difficult to describe the forest from the trees, right? Chemotherapy side effects are worse than cancer, that’s for sure. With cancer, most of the time you’d hardly know it if some doctor didn’t tell you. I mean, I was pretty hard up by the time they found it in me, but sometimes cancer can go all the way to stage IV and you’d never know it.

Chemo, on the other hand, you can never forget that. Not for a second. There’s no ignoring chemotherapy. It invades every cell by the end of it. You spend months marinating in a stew of toxic wastes that are out to kill you. And I don’t think that’s overly-dramatic. You try it sometime and see if I’m not right. The exhaustion, the pain, the numbness, the forgetfulness, the vague feelings, the full yet empty stomach, the nausea… so many things, feelings. The exhaustion never totally leaves me, and I can’t stand very long, and today was not really different, except that I felt okay, accepted, no one made me feel bad. I got to sit like a statue and was surrounded by good friends… making new memories. Embracing life…with grace in my step and hope in my heart. Not giving up – on people, nor myself.

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People

“People empty me.  I have to get away to refill.”  – Charles Bukowski

Yes!!  I know, I distance myself from many for many different reasons.

I am far too sensitive when it comes to absorbing other people’s energies.  So, I need a lot of me, alone time, to re-calibrate my heart, refocus my mind, and reorganize my thoughts.

This is why I prefer spending time with my dog….he never lies about love.   Unconditional.  No second guessing.

Nothing loses my interest faster than someone lying to me.   I have been known to enjoy real conversations, just not too keen on small talk.


Waiting for MY forever…♥

It’s been the longest short week already…today, working from home, watching movies.

Anyone see the movie, “Waiting for Forever”?  Love the character, Will Donner, played by Tom Sturridge.  So young, so soulfully beautiful!!

“I am imagining a day…where I get up…and I know that I will not see you…because you’re far away. Okay? I will not see you. No chance. Will not. And now I’m imagining a day, when I get up, and I know that I might see you. Okay? Might. Could. Maybe.  Of those two days, that’s the day I want, that’s the day I choose. And how can one step away from you…ever be anything for me but a step in the wrong direction? How?”

What happens when one person is more committed to a friendship, relationship than the other?  When one is invested more than the other?  What happens when one person never stops thinking that another person is the most important person in their life; yet the other person is unaware?  What happens when one person believes them both to be forever linked?

I strongly believe love doesn’t hurt.  Love is never really the problem.  Don’t blame love if a failed relationship interfered with your other important relationships, or robbed you of your self-esteem and personal freedoms.  No, don’t blame love.  For it wasn’t love that stole from you.  It was possession.  It was obsession.  It was manipulation.  It was confusion.  It was dishonesty.  It was immaturity.  Love had nothing to do with your situation.  For love doesn’t close the door against all that is good.  It opens it wide to let more goodness in.  Love creates freedom and abundance.

 

I strongly believe forgiveness is always the right choice. Anyone can hold a grudge, but it takes a special person with strong character to forgive.  When you forgive, you release yourself from a painful burden.  And no, forgiveness doesn’t mean what happened was OK; and it doesn’t mean that person should still be welcome in your life.  It simply means you have made peace with the pain, and are ready to let it go and move on with your life.

Love requires three things: acceptance, honesty, and commitment.  Love comes when you care more about who the other person really is, rather than about who you think they should become.  It’s about daring to reveal yourself honestly, and daring to be open and vulnerable over the long-term.  It’s about sticking by each other’s side through thick and thin, and truly being there in the flesh and spirit when you’re needed most.  Remember, the most romantic love story is not Romeo and Juliet who died young together; it’s the story of grandma and grandpa who helped each other through life, and grew old together.  I am still waiting on my 50 year forever.

I strongly believe a big part of who we are is connected to who we choose to surround ourselves with. Fate controls who walks into your life, but you decide who you let walk out, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.  Surround yourself with people who make you a better person, and let go of those who don’t.

A soul mate is a person who brings out the best in you.  They are far from perfect, but they are a perfect fit for you.  Remember, every relationship has its problems, but what makes it perfect is when you wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, even when times are tough.  I met my soul mate many eons ago, but he was taken way too early from me.  I ask myself all of the time, Am I lucky enough to find another soul mate??  Waiting for my forever…♥


What hurts you today, makes you stronger tomorrow…

Rough week!  So over the moon its Friday…but the weekend is already mocking me with silence.  Took my Chili dog to the vet, learned he had arthritis and a spinal injury deterioration – he is limping around a little better with his new meds.  Poor little guy – he has already endured two knee surgeries.  I had to go to the Orthopedic today to learn my results from my MRI – sure enough I need surgery on my right hand – they found a tear in my ligament, a cyst, and central perforation…enough said.  Was praying against hope that surgery would not be needed.  But learning that somehow this is my life…

I find myself repeatedly asking God how much am I to take and when will it be my year but I somehow find the strength He provides for me to keep moving forward…smiling through my tears.   I was hoping to find someone special by now so I can find comfort and support in another but I guess it’s just not my time.  I know my Mr. Perfect for me is out there.  And I know that God has a plan as to why my life, physically and emotionally needs to go through this pain now with broken bones that don’t heal.

I am learning that letting go has nothing to do with weakness, and everything to do with strength.  We let go and walk away not because we want others to realize our worth, but because we finally realize our own worth.

Sometimes you just need to do your best and surrender the rest. – Don’t be too hard on yourself.  There are plenty of people willing to do that for you.  Tell yourself, “I am doing the best I can with what I have in this moment.  And that is all I can expect of anyone, including me.”  Love yourself and be proud of everything that you do, even your mistakes.  Because even mistakes mean you’re trying.

You are in control of one person, and one person only: yourself. – There is only one way to be happy, only one route to happiness, and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of your control.  Letting go in your relationships doesn’t always mean that you don’t care about people anymore; it’s simply realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.

What’s right for you may be wrong for others, and vice versa.– Think for yourself, and allow others the privilege of doing so too.  We all dance to the beat of a different drum.  There are few absolute ‘rights’ and ‘wrongs’ in the world.  You need to live your life your way – the way that’s right for you.

Some people will refuse to accept you for who you are.   And I am learning not to care as much.   Always choose to be true to yourself, even at the risk of incurring ridicule from others, rather than being fake and incurring the pain and confusion of trying to be someone you’re not.  When you are comfortable in your skin, not everyone in this world will like you, and that’s okay.  Yup…it really is.

Relationships can only exist on a steady foundation of truth.  When there is a breakdown in a relationship, you must have the hard conversation.  It may not be pretty and it may not feel good.  But if you are willing to listen and tell the truth, it will open up.  When you learn how to build relationships based on truth and authenticity, rather than masks, false perfection, and being phony, your relationships will heal, connect, and thrive.

Sometimes walking away is the only way to win.  Never waste your time trying to explain yourself to people who have proven that they are committed to misunderstanding you.  In other words, don’t define your intelligence by the number of arguments you have won, but by the number of times you have said, “This unnecessary nonsense is not worth my time.”

Sitting in silence I will learn to hide my pain…

Focusing on what I have left, not only on what I have lost.

It truly should never be all about what you have lost, but about what you have learned.

Still looking forward on putting my loss behind me….looking forward to my newest finds….

I have said this before…

Every day I am crumbling more apart and yet falling more together all at the same time.

We all need to remember one simple thing: it’s OK to be lost. It’s OK to let go of needing all the answers. It’s not going to kill you— in fact, it just might bring you to life.

I’ve lived, I’ve loved, I’ve lost, I’ve missed, I’ve hurt, I’ve trusted, I’ve made mistakes, but most of all, I’ve learned.   Very happy that I am in one piece…mind, heart, body and spirit…. All good to go….♥


Life, Love…no room for lies…

Someone once asked me how I hold my head up so high after all that I have been through….its because I am a survivor, not a victim.

Life is filled with so many emotions…happiness, sadness, love, hate, tears, laughter, and many more.   When life challenges you, hold your head up high and have faith that all in life will work out and God will always be by your side.

Never forget that there are three types of people who can make a difference in your life:

  1. Those who helped you through difficult times.
  2. Those who left you during those difficult times.
  3. Those who put you through those difficult times.

Learning to balance all in my life…

Learning how to give, but not allow myself to be used.

Learning how to truly love, but not allow my heart to be abused.

Learning how to trust, but don’t be so naive.

Learning how to fully listen to others, but not lose my own voice.

Still holding onto the hope that some day everything will all make perfect sense.  For now, I continue to laugh at the confusion, smile though the tears, and keep reminding myself that everything really does happen for a reason!

Living life to the fullest teaches us to make good use of time.  Being conscious of time can really teach us the value of life.

One lie is all it takes for someone to lose their faith in you.  The best thing you can do is always be upfront, always be real and always tell the truth.

To be honest, I am always a little disappointed when a real liar’s pants don’t actually catch on fire.  Love this commercial…finding laughter in all is key!

Pants on Fire – Progressive Commercial

There are four very important words in life that everyone should learn, embrace and live by:  Love, honesty, truth and respect!  Without these in your life, we truly have nothing.  ♥


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