Category Archives: Holiday

39 More Days

Only 39 days left until Sunday – January 1, 2017!  39!!  I don’t know where the time goes.  Most days, it all seems to pass in a blur … a blur of depression, sadness, hurt, tiredness.  The past two years, I have to admit, has seen me at my most vulnerable in real time and not just via words on my blog.  I have had some heart-to-heart conversations with family and so-called friends who have hurt me or not been there for me in my darkest hours.  I have done a lot of de-cluttering of my life.  I may still be alone, but I am at peace.

I have tried to make each year better but I failed so many times.   I pray that 2017 is it – the biggest year for me yet.  I have been living off the radar, under the bar for so long.  Now I just want to shine bright.  I want to be noticed – I want to be appreciated.

I wish I knew now what I have learned while dealing with the death of so many loved ones back-to-back.  I believe I wouldn’t have lost so many good years due to my mourning.  I put myself in such a dark place, such a sinking hole.

Ironically, I have complained that I had no support system but honestly I realize now how much I cut people out, and how easy immediate family made it for me.  As for new friends, I rarely let new people in my life the past 15 years.  Working hard on trying now.   I need and want people in my life – but worthy, deserving people.  I want to be able to build each other up, not tear each other down.

For so many years, being strong found me pretending to be okay.  I didn’t want to appear weak.  But this pretending came with a very high cost which I am still paying the price.  I shut people out, I lost interest in so many things, I gave up, I let depression and PTSD keep me mired down in grief.  I hid parts of me away.  I would not get really close to anyone.  I kept to myself, isolated.  I didn’t want to be completely vulnerable nor have anyone worry about me.  So today, I have no support system and no one is worried about me.  I guess I ultimately got what I thought I wanted.  Emotional seclusion instead of a complete and utter breakdown is where I have been residing.  And the few times I have let myself be honest, forthcoming, and vulnerable, I have been met with lack of understanding.  So I withdrew even more.

It’s such a cycle.  When a person like me who is already an introvert, keeps everything inside, never fully accepting how messed up I really was, it’s all downhill from there.  I find myself trying so hard to crawl out of the dungeon I found myself in.  Writing has helped me tremendously.  Social media  has helped me as well – I get to be somewhat social without actually investing in friendships too much or sharing true intimacy.   It has provided an outlet – a necessary one.  I need to search and bare my soul.  I need some guidance, acceptance, understanding – even if it at first it appears shallow.  We all need to feel connected.   I’m thankful that social media has brought people back into my life. To me, the past few years have been a rebirth for me – learning how to crawl, walk, talk … all over again.  Now I am more than ready to spread my wings and fly away … with hope in my heart and grace in my step.


The Empty Chair…♥

For those who are grieving the loss of a loved one, Thanksgiving and Christmas (especially the “first” of each) can be particularly hard to experience. I know all too well.  Nothing can make these moments easy but prayer has always helped me and can offer a path to walk through these days with greater peace and even opportunities for healing.  The chairs are empty. But the relationships with the people who once occupied them continue on in our shared memories and stories.  My struggle is not mine alone. It is the shared challenge of millions around the world who fight to fill a heartfelt void after having lost their spouse, child, parent, sibling, friend, or worse, a combination of. A dreaded battle, at best. But we as humans come equipped with the greatest, rarest grace imaginable: resilience.  And faith….♥

Dear God,

There is an empty chair at our table, an ache in our hearts and tears on our faces.  We may try to shield one another from the grief we bear but we cannot hide it from you.  We pray for those in Heaven, my Angels…and many more loved ones, whose presence we miss in these upcoming holidays. Open our hearts and minds to the healing and warmth of the light of your presence.  We pray, Lord, and we trust that those we miss have found their place at your table, their home in your heart.  Open our hearts to joyful memories of the love we shared with those who have gone before us.  Help us tell the stories that make present the past and bring us close again to those we miss.  Teach us to lean on each other and on you, Lord, for the strength we need to walk through difficult times.  Give us quiet moments with you, with our thoughts, with our memories and prayers.  Be with us, Lord, and hold us in your arms even as you hold those who have gone before us.  Help us to trust that one day we shall be with those we love when your mercy gathers us together in the joy of the life you promise us.  This is the day you have made, Lord: help us to rejoice in it and in the promise of your peace.
Amen.  ♥  Happy Thanksgiving!!

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