Category Archives: Heaven

One day … See You On The Other Side

Where does the time go?!  Why do some things never get any easier with time?  Why does my heart ache so?  Why does my anxiety level just skyrocket this time of the year? This weekend is so hard already for me.  Was in NYC and every time I heard a siren, I found myself nearly jumping off the sidewalk.  Too much sadness in the world.  So much on the news.  Sunday will mark 15 years since 9/11 terrorist attacks.  My life the past 22 years since my brother died in 1994, followed by my Dad’s passing in 1998 and then my fiance’s death on 9/11/2001- has been a long journey of loss, worry, depression, grief, anxiety, failure and slowly healing.  Each death, each loss, each time – something about my life changed and I lost pieces of myself.

Time does not fully heal all wounds.  I may still be broken, and my heart remains shattered…but it still beats and for that I am grateful.  The past few years of heartbreak and loss have also shown me much compassion and gratitude, and strengthened my faith. Some of my fear has diminished and I have more clarity, focus, determination to live fully for them.  I have found some peace.  Grief doesn’t end for me; doesn’t go away…but it does change.  Times like this weekend stir too many memories – good and bad.  Sadly, so many people believe that my grieving is a sign of weakness – but they are wrong.  Some people believe I lack faith – but they are also wrong.  My grieving after all these years is a testament to the love I shared with these men in my life.  The price I pay each and every minute, of every single day for loving them; for allowing their love to be a part of me.  So I don’t care if people think I am weak or mad.  I have had magic in my life and there is still fire in my will.  My brother, my Dad, Michael, my forever heart – they don’t just cross my mind, every once in a while – they live in it.  Always loved, forever missed.  In laughter and in sorrow, in sunshine and in rain – I know they are watching over me… my very own Angels in Heaven… until we meet again.

Grief is my shadow – following me everywhere I go.  Pain is manageable, dulled by my memories.  Ache is constant, made more hollow with sadness.  But then love and compassion fill me with light and hope.  Sunshine comforts me.   Some days I allow myself to just exist, no pressure and I get through it without guilt. I am able to find peace in moments of time, where I move forward, slowly with grace in my step, hope in my heart and smile through my tears.    Just breathing.

This song gets me each and every time … Ozzy Osbourne – “See You On The Other Side”:

Voices, a thousand, thousand voices
Whispering, the time has passed for choices
Golden days are passing over, yeah

I can’t seem to see you baby
Although my eyes are open wide
But I know I’ll see you once more
When I see you, I’ll see you on the other side
Yes, I’ll see you, I’ll see you on the other side

Leaving, I hate to see you cry
Grieving, I hate to say goodbye
Dust and ash forever, yeah

Though I know we must be parted
As sure as stars are in the sky
I’m gonna see when it comes to glory
And I’ll see you, I’ll see you on the other side
Yes I’ll see you, I’ll see you on the other side

Never thought I’d feel like this
Strange to be alone, yeah
But we’ll be together
Carved in stone, carved in stone, carved in stone

Hold me, hold me tight, I’m falling
Far away. Distant voices calling
I’m so cold. I need you darling, yeah

I was down, but now I’m flying
Straight across the great divide
I know you’re crying, but I’ll stop you crying
When I see you, I see you on the other side
Yes. I’ll see you. See you on the other side
I’m gonna see you. See you on the other side
God knows I’ll see you, see you on the other side, yeah

I’ll see you. See you on the other side
I’m gonna see you. See you on the other side
God knows I’ll see you, see you on the other side, yeah
I wanna see you, yeah, yeah, yeah, see you on the other side
God knows I’ll see you, see you on the other side, yeah
I’m gonna see you. See you on the other side

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I know I will see you again …

I get so more melancholy and turn more quietly inward – especially between August through September. I have lost so many people I truly loved. For the past 13 years, I dread today. I dread the anniversary and the repeated replays of the planes, the impacts, the fireballs and the collapsing towers.

It truly is like ripping off a Band-Aid … but my heart feels this open wound. Today, 13 years ago, I lost four true friends, one my irreplaceable heart, my soul mate.

The days will always be brighter because he existed. The nights will always be darker because he’s gone. And no matter what anybody says about grief, and about time healing all wounds, the truth is, there are certain sorrows that never fade away until the heart stops beating and the last breath is taken. Always my heart ♥mm♥ …(Excerpt from Tiffanie DeBartolo, God-Shaped Hole)

I have come to realize that destiny can hurt a person as much as it can bless them, and I find myself wondering why – out of all the people in all the world I could ever have loved – I had to fall in love with someone who was taken away from me.

One day he was there and then all of a sudden, he is gone. There’s less of him each passing year. And you wonder where that part went – if it’s living somewhere, outside of you, and you keep thinking maybe you’ll get it back. And then you realize…it’s just gone.

Many say it’s easier to burn than to build; many say it’s easier to hurt than to heal…But I say you lose when you give up what you love…And I’ve lived my life without that long enough.

I hold pieces of him; I hold them so tight that they eventually become pieces of myself that am still learning to grow from but never away from. I hold onto them so tight that they eventually become the only pieces that can hold my shaky bones together. They become the only pieces that can keep this broken heart of mine held together…

Have you ever thought that if one thing hadn’t happened, a whole set of things never would have either? Like dominoes in time, a single event kicked off an unstoppable series of changes that gained momentum and spun out of control, and nothing was ever the same again. Don’t ever doubt that a mere second can change your life forever. It can. It has. Everything does really happen for a reason.

I’ve got no more illusions…I know I’ll see you again…but for today, I am allowing myself to fully experience the full impact of my loss. Grieving all over again. Grief…I am following it, crying when I want to, yelling at God, screaming into my pillow, and avoiding most people and definitely the news.

Grief is itself the only medicine I need right now. And anyone who doesn’t understand this or who can’t accept, stay away from me. So fake better stay away from me.

“After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. You learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises. You learn that loving doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t always mean security, and you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. After a while you learn to build all your dreams on today because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for dreams, and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn to accept your defeats with your head held with the grace of a woman and not the grief of a child. After a while you learn to plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone else to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really are strong, that you really do have self worth, and you can endure, and you learn and learn, with every “goodbye” you learn…” (Veronica A. Shoffstall)

“I am not the happiest person. In fact, in the battle between joy and misery, I’d say that the latter often seems to prevail. I don’t like this, and every day I refuse, for the eighty millionth time, to put up with another minute of it. But the world does what it does, and I often find it disagreeable. After all these years, I’m kind of resigned to that. But I do have one thing on my side: I have enormous faith. And hope. I am not speaking of the kind you find in church or in the afterlife or in heaven or in the Saint James Bible or in the Hare Krishna’s that we all encounter changing flights in the airports of the world, I am speaking of a simple faith that says that one way or another, no matter how many times I stumble and stub my big toe, somehow life is going to work itself out.” (Elizabeth Wurtzel)

candles


Dani and Lizzy – Dancing in the Sky

Friend sent this to me…with two new Angels in Heaven this week, sometimes, words fail to express what our heart so desperately wants to say. We feel in such a way; the fire that burns inside our chests is threatening to shatter the world. We are powerful, yet we feel weak, because we want to be able to contain what we are feeling within punctuation marks. We must accept with grace and allow God to lead us. I believe there are openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy. ♥ RIP ♥ German Hernandez ♥ Edwin Cruz


Sympathy, empathy…Grieving…

Another sad day as the sun shines bright bringing another angel to Heaven. My second cousin, who died June 11, 2013, left a hole in our family; but now he is being joined by his only son, his namesake – who died a hero at the age of 24, trying to save a friend. Both young men drowned this weekend. My heart is broken and aches for my cousin’s wife, the mother of this selfless young man.

This death marks the second for me in less than two weeks. But this one hits me so much harder. My feelings are a mix of sympathy, empathy, selfishness, grief, guilt, confusion…so many jumbled feelings.

When my cousin died last June, I was so afraid to see him in the casket. My cousin looked so much like my brother growing up. My brother passed away when he was only 25 years old, twenty years ago; but there isn’t a day that I don’t think about him, miss him. I think I was filled with so many anxious feelings of having to relive the moment of seeing my brother in the casket again. And now thinking of how my cousin’s son died…due to drowning and he was only 24 – almost exactly like my brother. It’s surreal. I feel like my heart is being ripped open again, emotions so raw, jumbled. Feeling like I did 20 years ago.

I know I can’t fully understand how my cousin-in-law feels – losing her husband, now losing her only son. I am sympathetic. I worry how she will survive, and find a way to move forward. Although, I feel sorry for her loss, I am also feeling strong pangs of empathy, and reliving my own personal loss from many years ago. It may be impossible to be fully empathetic because each individual’s reactions, thoughts and feelings to tragedy are unique. But I am not just feeling sorry for, I am sorry with and have placed myself in the midst of someone else’s emotional reactions.

Learning that grief takes on many forms, and never goes away fully.

“You don’t get over it, you just get through it. You don’t get by it, because you can’t get around it. It doesn’t ‘get better’; it just gets different. Everyday… Grief puts on a new face.” – (Wendy Feireisen)

“Learn to get in touch with silence within yourself, and know that everything in this life has purpose. There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from.” – (Elizabeth Kubler-Ross) ♥


Sundays = Pamper Me Day! ♥

I love Sundays…I have dubbed Sunday – Pamper Me day!

Sunday is my day. Sometimes I think we get caught up in the hectic happenings of the weeks and months and we forget to take time out to relax. So on Sundays, I try my hardest to do things differently. Stay in bed later than usual…in my warm cocoon. I Fluff up the pillows and blankets and put some classical music on the stereo. Then when I can finally pull myself out of bed, well most likely when my little Chili makes me take him for a walk… I’m off to the local bakery for warm bread – today I spoiled myself with a double hot chocolate with marshmallows. After walking, feeding the dog, I go back to bed…yes, I eat in bed. Crumbs be gone! There I spend the next two hours reading, eating and dreaming while the snowflakes swirl outside my bedroom window. The inspiring music of Vivaldi adds an exquisite elegance to the otherwise unruly scene, and I am in heaven. I found time to get in touch with myself and my life and i think this just might be a necessity! I write, play Freecell. And am content.

Now I go for my weekly hair appointment, to get pampered some more. Even treating myself to a manicure. This will now become my favorite ritual.

Right now, this moment, I am happy….sadness be gone…


Wishing my brother in heaven a very happy birthday!

♥ Happy birthday, AJ in Heaven Baby brother ♥

When I miss you most, I place my hand over my heart and its there I will find you, because even though you are out of my sight, you will never be out of my heart…baby brother. Where does the time go….he would have been 45!! My Angel in Heaven… Love you and miss you with all my heart.

This song is worth re-posting…

“It’s strange here without you
And it’s so hard to see
So brother up in heaven
Please wait up for me

Oh brother up in heaven
Please wait up for me

I still see his shadow
His laugh lingers on…”


Missing my brother….

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal; Love leaves a memory no one can steal…today marks 19 years since Heaven needed another Angel…not a day goes by without me thinking of my Brother, AJ. So many thoughts, feelings….None the more poignant or heartbreaking than the loss of then my 25 year old brother. Always….♥

We were only one year apart.
AJ was the healthy one, the athletic one.
I was the sickly one.
Yet he passed at 25 and I got to live on…without him.
From day one all we did was fight,
now all I do is fight back my tears.
We were so close.
You’re still here in my heart and mind,
still making me laugh cause your stories live on.
I hold you in a thought and I can feel you.
I feel you and this gives me strength and courage. ..

AJ


Missing my ♥….

Just watched, “Autumn in New York”…and although my love wasn’t lost to me because of an illness, he was taken from me from a worse evil, terrorism.  I miss him each and every second of the day.

I’m looking for a way to feel you hold me
To feel your heart beat, just one more time
I’m reaching back, trying to touch the moment
Each precious minute that you were mine
How do you prepare,
when you love someone this way,
To let them go a little more each day?

CHORUS
The stars we put in place
The dreams we didn’t waste
The sorrows we embraced
The world belonged to you and me
The oceans that we crossed
The innocence we’ve lost
The hurting at the end
I’d go there again
cause it was beautiful
It was beautiful

Some days missing you is overwhelming
When it hits me you’re not coming back
And in my darkest hours I have wondered
Was it worth it, for the time we had?
My thoughts get kind of scattered,
but one thing I know is true
I bless the day that I found you, oh oh …

Gracias, no entendia lo que me sucedio, despues de muchos años recien hoy pude entender por que se me permitio conocer a esta persona que saco lo mejor de mi, y tengo que ser feliz por haberlo hecho….♥

 

 


My life isn’t like a box of chocolates, its like a Nicholas Sparks book…♥

I sometimes think that Nicholas Sparks and I are living parallel lives…I have experienced such moments and feelings that he has so succinctly captured them in his writings, his books….

“You’re going to come across people in your life who will say all the right words at all the right times. But in the end, it’s always their actions you should judge them by. It’s actions, not words, that matter.”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Rescue

“You can’t live your life for other people. You’ve got to do what’s right for you, even if it hurts some people you love.”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

“Sometimes you have to be apart from people you love, but that doesn’t make you love them any less. Sometimes you love them more.”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Last Song

“It’s possible to go on, no matter how impossible it seems, and that in time, the grief . . . lessens. It may not go away completely, but after a while it’s not so overwhelming.”
― Nicholas Sparks, Dear John

“Without suffering, there’d be no compassion.”
― Nicholas Sparks, A Walk to Remember

“Dreams are always crushing when they don’t come true. But it’s the simple
dreams that are often the most painful because they seem so personal, so
reasonable, so attainable. You’re always close enough to touch, but never quite
close enough to hold and it’s enough to break your heart.”
― Nicholas Sparks, Three Weeks with My Brother

“I have faith that God will show you the answer. But you have to understand that
sometimes it takes a while to be able to recognize what God wants you to do.
That’s how it often is. God’s voice is usually nothing more than a whisper, and
you have to listen very carefully to hear it. But other times, in those rarest
of moments, the answer is obvious and rings as loud as a church bell.”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Last Song

“It happens to everyone as they grow up. You find out who you are and what you
want, and then you realize that people you’ve known forever don’t see things the
way you do. So you keep the wonderful memories, but find yourself moving on.”
― Nicholas Sparks

“He often felt that too many people lived their lives acting and pretending,
wearing masks and losing themselves in the process.”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Choice

“I have come to realize that destiny can hurt a person as much as it can bless
them, and I find myself wondering why–out of all the people in all the world I
could ever have loved–I had to fall in love with someone who was taken away
from me.”
― Nicholas Sparks, Message in a Bottle

“It’s funny, but have you ever noticed that the more special something is, the
more people seem to take it for granted? It’s like they think it won’t ever
change. Just like this house here. All it ever needed was a little attention,
and it would never have ended up like this in the first place.”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Wedding

“Theresa, I know there’s a part of you that believes you can change someone, but
the reality is that you can’t. You can change yourself, and Garrett can change
himself, but you can’t do it for him.”
― Nicholas Sparks, Message in a Bottle

“If some lives form a perfect circle, others take shape in ways we cannot predict or always understand.  Loss has been a part of my journey. But it has also shown me what is precious. So has a love for which I can only be grateful.”

― Nicholas Sparks, Message in a Bottle

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Happy birthday, AJ!! ♥ Cha, Cha, Cha…

Happy Birthday Baby Brother . . . in Heaven.

♪♫ Happy Birthday to You, cha, cha, cha.
Happy Birthday to You, cha, cha, cha.
Happy Birthday Dear AJ
Happy Birthday to You, cha, cha, cha. ♪♫

Today is my best friend’s birthday.  My brother would have been 44 years old today.  I can never imagine you as 44 – but always as my scheming, smarty-pants, partner in crime and mischief, my protector.  He was taken from us way too soon.  I know he is having a big ‘ol party in heaven with our Dad – probably playing dominoes, drinking and eating cake.  He deserves it.  I know he must be having a blast knowing so many people love him here on earth.

Wish I could just one more time say, “Happy birthday Brother from the little sister who knew you when…and loves you still”….in person.

A lot of words unspoken, affection unexpressed.  Still, I hope you know it . . . as a brother, you were the best.

You would have loved today’s weather – sun peeking through now.   You were the first person to mention how the fall as like the spring but with leaves as flowers.  The rain has stopped, the leaves on the ground look like flowers shining bright, in the glare of the sunshine…I know that on this special day, on your birthday, God decided to send you from heaven, because earth was desperately in need of an angel.  I needed to see your smile one more time in that rainbow that was on the ground in front of our house – I even made Mami go down to see it.

I miss our all night conversations.

I miss you ironing and me cleaning.

I miss doing your homework.

I miss you teaching me how to swing a bat.

I miss us hiding out in the closet, reading aloud.

I miss our bike riding and roller blading.

I miss you always fighting my battles for me.

I miss you supporting me in all my impulsive decisions.

Most of all I miss you – your smile that could light up a room.

Give Papi a hug and save me some heavenly birthday cake.

AJ – my best friend, my only brother, my baby brother.  Death ends a life, not a relationship.   We shed tears because he is gone, but always smile because he had lived.  Those we love don’t go away, they walk beside us each and every day – unseen, unheard, but always near.  It broke my heart to lose him but he didn’t go alone – because a part of me went with him.  Missing him is knowing all about heaven and hell.  My very own Angel… always…♥

 


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